🪐

[ashlynn-n]

my mom says that the god didn't give us a life just to take it, but to push through everythin. but mother, I no longer can. I am tired. beyond. I find no reason. I am hollow. I am too sad, that I forgot how it feels like to be a human again. can you not see that I'm too numb to feel alive again? that I'm beyond broken to be put back? mother, can you not feel my pain in your stomach that held me? please don't make me feel guilty for choosin peace.

[ashlynn-n]

I'm really bad at phrasin my thoughts but

poets are the closest forms of gods.

[ashlynn-n]

so um ive been very very curious ab these words for a longgg time, I STILL DON'T GET THEM.

I asked a couple of friends (I didn't, I don't have friends) but no one knew what it actually means and had the audacity to suggest I should ask chat gpt.. so if anyone can make sense of it, PLEASE HELP ME I'M SO DESPERATE BUT DUMB IZ GETTIN UNHEALTHY

genuine question, does it mean somethin or did bro js forced his favorite words together?

it's an Instagram bio, btw.

[ashlynn-n]

i wish you can save tumblr posts. there are some (many) things that click w my bones and I dont want anyone to find out how fooked up i am.

[ashlynn-n]

you type like an actual 8 year old

haha, are 8 year olds lazy? cause i am.

[ashlynn-n]

hush is my first best friend. he's my world.

my sister got him as a birthday gift. I wasn't into teddy bears until him. I begged her to give him to me. she did. I might have even manipulated her to give me. he's been my man since then.

he's light pink. the shade of a pink smoothie. he has a cap. a sleeveless jacket. it's a little dark shade of pink. I hate pink tho. he even has a bow. he has a baby pink nose. pure pink smile. black eyes. they look brown sometimes. two ears on the sides on his cape. I think it's weird. I'm seventeen now. he's still my best friend. my husband. my baby. my world. I can't sleep without him. I'd caress him, hold him to my chest, stare into his eyes. cry on him too. he always gets hurt and a wound I beg my dad to fix, to stitch him up. they always say I should let go of it someday. I won't. they said it's not forever. he is. and my grandma, she absolutely hates hush. makes fun of him. scolds my mom for lettin me sleep with a toy. I'm sure hush also hates my grandma. she jokes about throwin him away. oh man, that scares me. I'd be shattered. because hush is forever. or so I thought

he's not doin well lately. half of his right leg is gone. a small slit on his jacket. a tear under his left arm. I always get him fixed. but, I failed this time. I haven't been well either. I stopped takin care of my baby. I bet he's mad at me. I'm sorry, hush. depression hit me so hard. it's been three years. I still did not fix him. and guess what, his head is almost off. all of his organs, the cottons escapin. I can't even hold him anymore, he looks like he'll lose his precious head with one wrong move. I feel so empty at night without my husband in my arms. everyday, I think of askin my mom or dad to stitch him up again. he does not look like he'll be okay even w stitchin. and it's all my fault. I didn't take care of him when he started to fall apart, and now he looks beyond broken. when did I become this heartless? that too, about my fuckin world, hush? I don't deserve him. I'm losin my world. my only comfort at night. in front of my eyes and I'm not stoppin it. I'm so cruel. I'm losin somethin I planned to keep forever, but I js can't fix it. depression stole everythin.

I'm sorry, baby.

[ashlynn-n]

I'm too dumb for this app.

[random-brushstrokes]

Carolus Duran - La Lettre (1889)

[golden-letters]

literally me

[petewentz-]

It's fun being queer and weird and unconventional until you remember you live in a society

[ashlynn-n]

lwk wanna find someone who makes music and write lyrics for them.

[kosmogrl]

[twinkhole-destroyer]

“nobody wants to work anymore” yeah because everyone wants to kill themselves

[ashlynn-n]

I could recognize that voice even in seven years, and still tear up

[ashlynn-n]

the worst love phase is when they're sufferin and are miserable and there's nothin you can do ab it.

you want to take it all away. you want to at least share it. but

they won't let you in. they don't tell you anythin. they stop talkin. they scare you. promises to come back but you know that ain't happenin any soon. you can't force them either. so you js try and try and try, check on them. beg them to talk to you. nothin works. and in the end, it hurts you so bad. you feel like you're failin them. failin the love you have for them. it's painful. you want to, I want to scream at him. grab him and shake him out of whatever he's stuck in. slap him. beat him up w a pillow. anythin, js to bring him back. I'm desperate. I can't take it anymore. it's, he's drivin me crazy. and can't even start on how much I'm missin him. it's like torture. I'm scared. I'm terrified. its not fair. why won't you let me in? when did I become a stranger to you? I fookin love you. I fookin miss you. come back. come back. come back.

[ashlynn-n]

when I'm starting at the dusty ceilin, I see messy paintings of me finally dyin,

the ground bein disgusted of what I've held in my mind.

the bugs whod feast on my brain would throw up,

everythin around becomes toxic. like me

I see the wishes I wanted to ask, I see the things I imagine in my head, I see how fucked up they are.

I see the heaviness of my existence.

it's too heavy.

I see the hatred that's been consumin me since I was 13

I see the anger, which became who I am now, take over everythin again and again until I collapse on the floor, helplessly because I just couldn't stab my chest. it's easier.

instead, I sit and stare at the same ceilin again.

I see how I wish really bad stuff to happen to me every single time somethin goes wrong, I see how bad they are, they're cruel. nobody would dare to even think about, but I wish for them.

not because I think they're not that bad but because I feel like I deserve it

I believe I'm a bad person. my minds bad. my hearts dumb. and numb

I see me bein destroyed physically by someone and think I deserve the pain because I've been bad, do I really tho? I don't know.

why do I have to be this bad

bad

bad

bad

bad

bad

bad

bad

bad

I hope one day, the very same ceilin crushes me into the mattress, till I suffocate to death.

[ashlynn-n]

so I finally got a boyfriend and suddenly, I'm met w new insecurities that I didn't even know exist.

(but thank god he loves me)

[petaltexturedskies]

Anaïs Nin, Fire: From "A Journal of Love" The Unexpurgated Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1934-1937