all it takes is the sight of you asleep at your dinner table for minho to realize that this sight... probably isn't for him to see. of course, he has the privilege of having a key to your apartment (boyfriend privilege, you'd joked as you handed it to him), so slipping in to see you first thing on his birthday was something you had expected. come on over! but i'm working late tonight, just so you know. he'd reread your text maybe ten times on the way over, thumbs hovering over the keyboard as he debated texting you to let you know he had decided to come see you anyway. work had been rough, he wanted to spend his day off with you, and it was far from the first time he'd come over without a proper warning just because he wanted to cuddle...
but your kitchen is a mess. there's a series of small bowls next to you with what looks like half-eaten pudding in each one, note cards taped to the edge, and your laptop is open in front of you. he quietly comes to peer at your screen, fingers grazing the touch pad enough to wake it back up.
oh. oh. you're trying to recreate that pudding he loves... and, knowing you, the variety of answers you've been given haven't been enough. there's a series of tabs open, all with similar recipes that have the slightest differences, and the tab you left off on was a thread of people discussing said pudding and the copy-cat recipes.
he nudges you awake. "honey?" he says softly, and watches as you stir and lift your head.
you squint at the light from your laptop, and then jerk back. "shit."
"i'll tease you later," he kisses your forehead, pulling back to reveal that cute, cheeky grin you're used to when he's playful like this. "is this my gift?"
"it was supposed to be a surprise," you mumble, shutting your laptop and gathering some of the assorted dishes. "but they don't taste right..."
he moves to collect everything else from the table to return to the kitchen, just to lessen your load. "i'll help you figure it out," he chuckles, padding after you into your kitchen. "let's get some sleep, okay?"
"m'kay..." you stifle a yawn as you drop your spoons into the sink, only stopping to catch minho by the front of his shirt now that one of your hands was free.
by the time you're pressing a soft, sleepy kiss against his lips, you can already feel the way he's smiling against you.
"happy birthday," you mumble before kissing the tip of his nose, too. "i love you, dummy. sorry i'm bad at surprises."
(he'll tease you about that, too, once you've both slept some. there's always next year.)
there's something cozy about this situation that you can't quite define. you're in the bath having a little bit of a self-care night after a stressful day, and vernon's just... sitting on the floor next to the tub. talking to you, holding a bowl of cut up fruit for you to snack on (and that he's been casually stealing from as well--not that you mind. you planned again when he asked if he could just hang out with you for a bit). you know it's cozy because, well, it's you and the love of your life having a comfortable night together while you're enjoying an epsom salt bath that's honestly doing wonders for your muscles now.
he holds out a slice of apple for you if you want it, and continues his ramble about a movie he'd seen with seungkwan and chan recently, "and i kept thinking that i should have seen it with you," he says. "i dunno. it was funny, but like... your kind of funny. you would have liked it."
"well... we can still watch it together sometime," you say with a shrug. the water ripples around you at the motion, and you shift onto your hip for a moment to gaze at him. "it's not the first time you've rewatched something with me just because you want me to see it."
he doesn't even try to resist smiling. "well, i like spending time with you."
"i can tell."
"oh, you can tell?" he teases you, and steals a slice of banana out of the bowl. "thanks for letting me crash your bath, by the way."
"you're not crashing anything," you rest your cheek in your palm. "i like relaxing with you."
"yeah?" his eyes twinkle a little. he leans forward and presses a kiss against your cheek, a little under your eye, before leaning back. "good. you're kind of my favorite person."
"kind of?" you tease. "i'm telling your mom."
his soft laugh reverberates around the bathroom a little. you think you'd be happy staying like this forever if you could.
"hey. don't make a big deal out of this or anything, but..."
chris looks over to where you've stepped back for a moment, admiring him as he looks through books in this store. you asked him to find something that looks interesting for you to buy and read (and maybe he'll get a chance to read it sometime later), and now you're nervous out of nowhere. he shelves the book he's looking at (doesn't feel like something you'd enjoy), and makes his way back over.
chris reaches forward, hands resting on your upper arms as he tries to figure out if maybe you're feeling sick or something. "everything okay?"
"i love you." you don't make eye contact with him, instead fiddling with one of your sleeves. "that's all."
you love him? his heart flutters at the words, and he knows he's already blushing. he's never been afraid to tell you those three words, but he knows how hard this is for you. and maybe it's a little hard for him to not want to tease you lovingly and be openly as giddy as he feels.
he just takes your face in his hands and pulls you in so that he can lean and kiss your forehead. "i love you, too."
something about that makes your eyes light up with joy. "yeah?"
"yeah!" he pecks your lips before returning to his search. "gonna pick something extra good for you to read to prove it."
chris is careful as he chooses his words now. you're curled up in bed next to him, having just set down your phone, and he just moves in to hold you. "can i be really honest with you?"
you turn your face. "hm?"
he wouldn't say this if he wasn't sure what was swirling around in your head now. "...i don't really like some of your friends." he pauses. "i mean, not all of them--some of them are really cool. but..."
and then you speak up, easily confirming his suspicions: "i don't know if i like them either, to be honest." you shut your eyes, taking in a deep breath before exhaling. "fuck."
he just holds you a little tighter. "should we talk about that? or do you need time to figure things out? it's okay if you do."
you just nod. "i think i need time."
and that's okay. he just presses a kiss against your shoulder. sometimes... things are hard to figure out for sure. he's seen the way your shine has dimmed a little too much after hanging out with certain people, and it wasn't until he saw it firsthand that he understood why. they're not always the nicest. you swore to him over and over that they've been better than this. that they are nice. and then... where did all of that go, then?
he just holds you a little tighter. you'll talk once your head is clearer. he trusts that you'll get there.
jisung wraps his arms around you as he stands behind your chair, practically melting into you as he leans around to press a kiss against your cheek. "honey..." his voice is soft. "you've been staring at a blank document for thirty minutes."
you have. and it bothers you. but the moment you turn around to where jisung can look at you, you see the way he grows more concerned. you're tired, to say the least, and everything feels like it hasn't been working lately. you just need to get things done, and they slip through your fingers too easily.
"this isn't due for a few days," he says quietly, turning your chair away from your computer. you don't fight when he takes your hands, despite the fact there's a part of you that wants to argue about getting your grad school work done early... and maybe it's because you know what's coming. "let's go for a walk together," he says. "maybe we can get dinner while we're out?"
he doesn't say it out loud. but the two of you have felt this feeling before and seen each other through it to know what all of this means. honey, you're burning out. let's take a break before it gets worse. "okay." you squeeze his hands, and then let go of them to rub at your eyes for a moment. "a walk sounds great, actually."
he presses a quick, clumsy kiss against the corner of your lips before he goes to change into something a little more presentable. but he meets you at the door and takes your hand again, giving it a reassuring squeeze before he presses another kiss against your cheek. i've got you.
you just squeeze his hand back and give him a tired smile. at least you have him.
the one where you would do anything to be a safe space for him. word count: 1k
warnings: discussions of grief and loss, although not extensively. merely trying to process complicated feelings. hurt/comfort. angst.
a/n: iâm not trying to speculate on any grieving process chan is going through, but as heâs been vocal about his struggle with the loss of a friend, i created this also hoping that he does actually have loved ones to rely on and he allows himself that grace <3. rest in love, moon.
The soft vibration of the diffuser was getting to your nerves. So was the sizzling meat in the pan you were cooking on. Even the sound of an opening door proved to be unsettling. Thatâs when you realized the sounds werenât bothering you; you were simply on edge for entirely different reasons.
You knew how to deal with your own grief and loss wasnât a foreign concept. You could manage it, and you did.
Not knowing how to deal with Chrisâ grief was unnerving. You had no idea how to help him, if he wanted or needed help at all, and it left you feeling powerless.
Chris closed the door behind him and greeted you softly, as you replied for him to know you were in the kitchen. He walked closer to you, and gave you a soft peck on the lips to greet you with an almost imperceptible smile.
âHow are you?â you asked, although you were fully aware it was a stupid question.
He shrugged and laughed without a hint of happiness. All you could come up with was a hug that you hoped would express everything you didnât know how to say or show.
I love you. Iâm here. Iâm sorry. I got you, if you need me. I hate seeing you in pain. But your pain is not a burden. And you donât have to talk about it. I love you. I got you.
As Chris melted into your embrace, you knew he understood, like he knew you understood him. Even in the unspoken nature of the entire process, you both could count on each other unconditionally and while it didnât get any easier, Chris was certain that your patience and your love were a lifeline he would never let go off.
He kissed you in as a thank you - gently, no rush, hoping it would convey a part of the convoluted emotional state he was in.
I love you. Thank you. I donât ever want to burden you. One day I might be able to talk about it. Iâm grateful for you. I love you. Please stay.
With the way you kissed him back, enveloping him around your arms, he was entirely sure you would stay, and it meant everything.
The only reason you pulled away was realizing your food was going to burn otherwise. He laughed a little bit at you rushing to turn off the flame, and grabbed plates for both of you to have dinner. You sat down together to eat on the couch in front of the TV, playing a documentary that neither of you were really paying attention, but the point was being close to each other as you finished your meal in silence.
Chris was used to retreating and isolating himself whenever he was having a hard time; there was no reason to bother anyone else with his problems and sadness. One of the many ways you turned his life around was opening him up to the opportunity of relying and leaning on someone else.
He was still uncomfortable not showing up all the time as the strong, invincible leader he was supposed to be, but he decidedly knew now that is not what you expect from him. You just loved him, in every version.
You were still having a hard time accepting that you couldnât fix everything for him either. There are some things that are inevitably debilitating for him, and as much of a rock as you tried to be for him, you couldnât make this one go away. Chris, of course, doesnât expect you to fix anything.
Regardless, in the comfort of your steady hand holding his, and in the comfort of his sad but loving eyes looking into yours, you both felt that everything would be okay.
With a display of vulnerability that was rare but welcomed, Chris moved to lay down in your lap. He curled up next to you, laying his head down and closing his eyes.
Chris didnât know how to deal with his grief either, and he wasnât sure anyone really knew how to do it. The fluctuation, unpredictability and non-linear nature of his process was excruciating. He wanted control over himself back desperately, but it didnât work like that.
As you decided to lay down behind him instead, embracing him against you as your head rested on his back, he was reminded that not being in control all the time was natural. He closed his eyes, trusting you to hold him through it all, and for one night handing over the tight, heavy leash he has been trying to keep on himself.
Even though you didnât see it, you knew he was tearing up and all you could do was hold him tighter.
I got you. You can let go with me. Iâll stay with you forever.
Even though he was crying, he was relaxing into you at the same time.
Youâve got me. I love you. Thank you. I love you.
The sadness, pain, loss and grief would not go away, but he had one less thing to worry about; hiding it. You know that you canât make it go away, even though you wished you could, but what you could do was stay right here with him in his terms and that was good enough.
âChris?â you called out to him softly. He hummed to reply, sniffing his nose while still letting his long held back tears out.
âIâm right here,â you said, although it was a universally acknowledged truth. Vocalizing it felt like hugging his soul, desperately letting him know verbally, physically, emotionally, that here you stay.
He nodded. He knew. He felt it.
âI know, baby,â Chris said, turning around to face you while you both laid down and held each other close. His troubles felt soothed, and damn near healed as you began pressing soft kisses against his face. He was smiling, each little peck reminding him that although life can be mind-numbingly painful, it can also be all-consumingly wonderful.
You are the living proof of every good thing the world has to offer, and heâs grateful. He was so eternally grateful for his safe space in you.
heads up: reader (... and the writer) is a lil sick
chris practically wraps himseslf around you like a koala once you're back in bed. he knows you're feeling bad and that, for whatever reason, your upset stomach has left you feeling colder than usual... and it's technically his job as your partner to cuddle with you right now. "did the bath help?"
"mhm." you shut your eyes as he begins tracing circles onto your back. "still feeling kinda rough."
"that's okay." his lips press against your forehead, lingering there for a few extra seconds. "we've got more medicine in case you need it later. so i'm not going aaaanywhere," he drags out the word with a chuckle. "you're stuck with me."
"oh no." your tone is flat as you resist the urge to roll your eyes. "i'm stuck with a hot nurse..." you snuggle closer to him, tucking your head underneath his chin and wrapping your arms around him a little tighter. despite the fact your stomach is cramping, his presence is soothing. "i don't think this man's ever been to medical school--"
he just giggles a little, the sound almost like medicine. you honestly wish it was. you'd bottle that sound and take it any day to heal anything and everything. "i can handle it," he promises. "but if you feel worse--"
"i know." the shapes he's tracing onto your back, the warmth of snuggling with chris and being underneath your blankets, his soothing voice... it's all making you drowsy. "i'll say something." you press a kiss against his clothed chest before settling in for a nice nap with your beloved. "thank you, nurse."
the last thing you feel before you drift off is chris pressing another kiss onto the top of your head, humming softly as he murmurs a final, "i've got you."
chris sees the frustration on your face as you massage your temples, eyes shut while a heavy sigh escapes you. he makes his way over, hands coming to rest on your shoulders as he stands behind you and the couch, fingers already kneading at the tension he finds there. "rough call?"
you glance over to your phone for a moment, mouth twisted to the side. "it's not that it was rough..." you lean back, more into his touch, and let your head fall back too so that you can look up at him. "just... kinda hate being talked over repeatedly."
"by accident?" he raises his brows a little. "or...?"
"she's doing it on accident, so i don't hold it against her at all." you frown. "but it doesn't make it any less frustrating, y'know?"
his fingers dig deeper into your shoulders as he massages them, stopping only when he leans down to peck your forehead. "you could talk to her about it."
"no, it's just--" you shake your head. "it's late, she's tired, it's fine."
"it's not," his voice is soft. "even if it's not something worth bringing up, it's okay if it bothers you."
wordlessly, you reach up, hand curling around his to pull it away from your shoulder. you kiss the side of his hand, lips lingering there for a few extra seconds before you let go. "thank you, honey." and when he cups your cheek for a moment, you just lean into his touch. "i think i needed to hear that."
he ducks down again, curling around so that he can kiss your cheek this time. "that's what i'm here for."
...the one where you're doubling over with sobs but minho's there. and so are your three fur babies.
warnings: ugly ass crying, mental breakdown, mention of hospitals
a total vent fucking fic that is incoherent tbh. reader just has a terrible fucking breakdown. if you need comfort for that from minho, feel free to read. happy fucking monday.
you wish mental breakdowns came with a goddamn warning sign.
youâre simply sitting on the chair, staring blankly at the tv, your hands limp against your lap. you feel off, like somethingâs wrong, but you canât really place it. you knew something's coming but you didn't really predict that it's gonna be this bad.
then it crashes down.
the sob that rips out of you is violent, like something being torn from deep inside your chest. you donât even have the presence of mind to slap a hand over your mouth to muffle it, it comes out, loud and raw, and the force of it sends you doubling over, choking.
"oh, fuck-"
minho is there. he always somehow is.
you didnât even hear him come into the room, but suddenly heâs crouching in front of you, hands braced on your arms, his big , brown eyes wide and alert.
"hey, hey, what the- whatâs wrong jagi?"
you canât answer. you canât even breathe properly. your chest heaves, but it feels like no air is getting in, and the crying just gets uglier, gasping, wailing, shaking so hard your knees knock together.
minho barely hesitates.
heâs pulling you forward before you can fully collapse, guiding you off the couch before you slide off of it. your legs fold uselessly beneath you as he brings you to the floor, your whole body slumping forward until your forehead presses against his shoulder.
"shit," he mutters, his voice softer now, realising you need his tenderness now more than ever, his arms wrapping around you, keeping you close. "okay, okay, breathe. just. breathe, jagiya."
but you canât.
the stress, the frustration, the godforesaken helplessness. itâs been building for weeks. youâve been following the doctorâs orders, keeping it together, trying not to be a burden. but now itâs crashing over you, suffocating you, and thereâs nothing you can do except sob, breath hitching, hands curling uselessly into minhoâs shirt.
"i fucking- i canât- i dont wanna-minho, i-"
youâre not even making sense, the words breaking apart between sobs. your whole body shakes against his, and he lets you shake, lets you hold onto him because he's the only thing keeping you from falling apart in shambles right now.
"shhh," he soothes, voice steady, fingers carding through your hair. "itâs okay. iâve got you."
but for once, itâs not okay. none of this is okay.
the hospital. the seizures. the way your body doesnât feel like yours anymore. the restrictions, like chains wrapped around your wrists, pulling you down, making you feel heavier than ever.
"i hate this," you choke out, another sob tearing through you. "i hate- hate hate hate hate it!" you yell out, palms hitting the floor with every word before minho pulls it away and holds your hand against his heart instead.
his grip on you tightens for a moment before he shifts, guiding you into his lap with practiced ease. it's like heâs done this before. like he knew this was coming. you'd been strong for too long after all.
"i know," he murmurs, pressing his lips to your temple. "i know you do."
"i canât. i need to do things, i need to work, i need-"
"no, you donât," he says, firmer this time. his arms squeeze around you, grounding you. "you need to breathe and you need to rest."
"but i canât just-"
"you can. and you will."
his voice leaves no room for argument, but itâs not cold. just steady. certain. heâs willing you to believe it, to trust him.
you can only let out another wrecked sob, burying your face against his chest, and he lets you. lets you cry, lets you break, lets you lose it completely in his arms.
and then, soft padding. a quiet, inquisitive meow.
you barely register it through your crying, but minho huffs out a small, amused sound.
"oh great. now youâve upset the kids."
you lift your head just enough to see them, your babies, soonie, doongie, and dori, all three of them, tails twitching, ears perked up as they stare at you with wide, concerned eyes.
your breath hitches again, another sob threatening to break free, but soonie steps forward and plops down right against your leg, pressing his warm weight against you. doongie follows immediately, rubbing his head against your arm, while dori hops right into minhoâs lap and paws at your hoodie, almost upset that he's not the center of attention.
you let out a choked, broken laugh, and minho smirks.
"see? even they know youâre being ridiculous."
you glare at him through your tears, but itâs weak, and he just smirks harder, reaching up to wipe your damp cheeks with the sleeve of his hoodie.
"youâre allowed to fall apart," he murmurs, the teasing laced with something softer, more real. "but youâre not doing it alone."
your face crumples again, fresh tears spilling down your cheeks, and he's gently pulling you in, tucking you against his chest, warm and safe as you hiccup.
"cry as much as you want," he says, fingers tracing soothing circles along your back. "iâm not going anywhere."
and with the company of your three meowing babies, and the big kitty holding you tight, you know you'll find it in yourself to feel okay again. and until you don't, they'll be there. and they'll be there, even once you are.
hyunjin feels the way your hand curls around his elbow, fingers pressing into his skin as you gently tug to get his attention. it flits away from the person he's talking to all too easily, and all it takes is you asking for a moment alone for him to agree to it. his heart is fluttering in his chest now as you guide him to the balcony, sliding the door open a little further so the two of you can slip through and stand out in the night air. it's slightly chilly, but he doesn't mind. not when he's next to you, a few steps away from the glass doors so that the two of you have privacy.
"so?" you rock on your heels, a little visibly nervous now. "did you like it?"
"i loved it." his voice is soft as he gazes at you. you'd thrown together a little party for him on short notice, complete with a batch of cupcakes that he found out from felix that you made for him yourself. "you didn't have to throw me a party."
you frown a little. "did you not want one?"
"that's not what i meant." he lowers himself onto the little outdoor sofa he helped chris pull up here an eternity ago, all for the promise of a warm meal when everyone else was too busy to help. the two had ended up sitting out here for hours, just enjoying the view. of course chris would let you use his place for this: it's his part in this plan, in making hyunjin feel loved. "i just meant... i know you did this last minute. and... i know it stressed you out. you don't have to put yourself through that."
"you're worth it." you settle next to him, hands in your lap. "i just... i really like spending time with you, hyunjin. and i like doing things for you, because you're sweet, and you're good at saying things i struggle with. you deserve the world." you look at him, gaze soft. there's something warm lingering in it.
and hyunjin realizes while you're rambling that things aren't as one-sided as he once thought. it's somewhere between you mentioning how much you love being around him when he lets you watch him indulge in his art and when you start talking about how you needed today to go perfect for him because he deserves it that it just hits him.
so he kisses you. just on the cheek (he's a romantic deep down, he thinks, and he doesn't want his first kiss with you to be right here where anyone could peek out and see and immediately yell back that the idiots have finally figured it out), but his lips linger against your skin for a few extra selfish seconds, and he thinks he can see the sparks as your brain short-circuits for a second when you go completely silent.
you turn to face him after a moment. "you...?"
he nods after a moment. "i do." his fingers curl around your hand, and he doesn't think much of it as he fans his fingers around his own wrist to slide a bracelet from his wrist to yours. it suits you more than him. "can i pick where we go?"
and you just nod. "i'd love that." but before either of you can move, you lean in, pressing a kiss against his cheek. "happy birthday, silly. i'm glad you're here."
the first time jisung tries to kiss you, he's recoiling back within seconds as pain spirals through his forehead. you're holding your own, eyes squeezed shut for a moment as you swear under your breath, and all he can do is just stare at you... and then laugh. you're eager, the same way he is now, and it shows so much in your frustration at messing this up.
"it's okay!" his hands land on your shoulders, tethering you to him for a moment, and he calms himself down before he can burst into another little fit of giggles at how cute you are. "i'm fine. are you?"
your nose crinkles when you smile, snickering a little as you look at him again. "i'm good. just... really wanted to kiss you, to be honest."
good. he really wants to kiss you, too. "then... you should." he drops his hands back down to his side. "i'll stay still." he smiles a little, a teasing tone overtaking his voice, "just don't miss."
it earns another quiet snort of laughter from you before you step closer to him. you lean in, closing the distance between the two of you. one of your hands cups his cheek as you kiss him softly, and he can faintly taste sugar on your lips from the cotton candy the two of you had shared.
the thing you always look forward to most when felix comes back from any trip he takes without you (work conferences, vacations with his friends, trips to see his family) is the clinging that follows. the apartment door opens, and he's already grinning the moment he sets his eyes on you. he always ends up leaving his bag in the doorway once he's inside and locked up behind him, already making a beeline to throw himself at you.
and you know there's two parts of this equation. one is that felix, simply put, loves physical touch with you. from day one, he always finds a way to link himself to you: through holding your hand, or wrapping his pinkie around your own, or embracing you from behind... he just loves holding onto you in some way. nights on the couch devolve into cuddling, his arms always tightly wrapped around you regardless of whether you're in his arms or he's laying against your chest.
and the other part is that you love physical touch, period. not all of your friends are open to cuddling or enjoy things like hugs, and that's fine with you: you'd never cross a boundary they set. but meeting felix lit your world up immediately with the warmest, cuddliest man you'd ever met. one of your friends said that you'd found your soulmate in him: someone who is as (lovingly) clingy as you are. but every time he goes somewhere without you, you get left to yourself for a week, and that skin-hungry feeling beings to nest underneath your skin until he comes home. you have friends, family, who will hug you. people who let you hold hands with them casually without much of a second thought... but it isn't the same as snuggling with your felix.
felix just peppers kisses against your skin now, giggling. "i missed you," he mumbles, as if this is the first time he's spent time away from you. his hands end up slipping underneath your shirt as he settles against you, face buried in your neck as he holds you as close to himself as he can. "did you miss me?"
he says this as if you aren't already playing with his hair, holding him close, and enjoying how warm it feels to have him back in your arms--both physically and emotionally when it comes to this ray of sunshine. "do you have to ask?"
he just plants a kiss against your neck, settling in to snuggle with you for a few moment. he'll move soon, let the two of you melt into a more comfortable position for cuddling, maybe throw on a movie or something... but for now, the two of you are enjoying each other's presence, eternally glad to be on the same wavelength.