ashton

just preparing for the next adventure.

[ashtoncornelson-blog]

I just finished giving another urine sample. What was that, the fourth? Fifth one in the last couple months? Either way I don't need to be told that I only have to fill it half way, nor do I need to be told to mark my name or where to place it; I could give the speech by now. To be honest, I'm just glad I had to pee. Usually I drink a my weight in water, or iced tea, or a beverage that makes it equally as difficult to undo my belt without peeing my pants as I hold my little sample cup in my hand. Today it totally slipped my mind. Or I let it slip my mind because I didn't want my body to decide that I'd spend my day off in the clinic. Again. But again with my optimistic attitude: my face is clear! Which contrary to popular belief does directly corilate to how much water I've been drinking, or how healthy I'm eating because I've been eating more pizza haven than ever now. And in no way have I been stress free, which is probably why I'm writing right now. I only tend to write when I'm stressed out which is a stress all in itself...how frustrating it is that I have to be at my breaking point before I can take time to do the thing I enjoy most; I've stopped caring if I'm good at it. I've been eating so much pizza haven because I work there. And I have no self control. But I do try to choose the inexpensive options, if that counts for anything. I also work at a gas station. And I do enjoy both of them, but I enjoyed them a whole lot more when I was 15, and 16, and not nearly 19 and wishing I wasn't working every weekend with coworkers who speak of the excitement of graduating and getting out of this minimum wage lifestyle. I have a hard time not spiting them for their optimism as I wipe the same counter I've wiped since 2013. For those of you who are reading this with a disgustingly problem solver attitude, please keep your comments to yourself. I myself am a problem solver. I've applied, and gotten far too excited over many a job. And thus, I have learned to stop a) sharing my plans that are subject to change with others (because they won't happen) and b) getting excited even when they do seem promising because that slope is far too slippery for the heart-on-my-sleeve attitude I continue to attain. I cry every day. Also to add to point a) I've stopped sharing my plans because I'm sure others are losing hope too. At least that's the attitude my dad portrays. I'm not going to appologize for my pessimism because there isn't much for optimism in this over populated waiting room. I do wish I could post this to my actual blog, but the sad truth is, I can't tell the truth at all. My followers are afraid of that. Anyway. I'm excited to read this again in some undetermined amount of time and see I did, in fact, move towards some sort of adult type self-sustainability rather than this I owe my father $8,000 nightmare I'm living. And despite all of my frustrations, I'm thankful that I have a paycheck coming in at all, and that (hopefully) my most recent urine sample will determine a remedy that can finally take care of this, whatever it is.

[ashtoncornelson-blog]

What Ails Me

The sky held true to it's tale tonight of those twinkly lights, we call them stars. They were bearing themselves for me. 

Smoke circled around and escaped through the crack in my window as it always seems to do and I leaned into my seat and relaxed my shoulders and wished I could move as freely.

Oh, how to direct my thoughts tonight. 

There is always something, and that's why I hold onto those nights I notice the stars, when I experience that place where my mind is comfortable enough to see beauty. 

To see things I otherwise miss. 

Oh how much I've missed.

I go on with my feckless attempt at taking my thoughts captive, "I am in control of these things, I am" and still my mind falters.

[ashtoncornelson-blog]

untitled

The hunger for that which is viewed as success derived from young on. Even as a child the question of what I wanted to become hung around the room, among grandparents and aunts and old people at church. Back then it was simple, because what else would I want to be beside a painter? Or a teacher? Or an astronaut? 

But then I grew, and I must admit I am guilty of lies. Sometimes it was the only deterrence I had from the otherwise well known judgement that lurked around corners of the gathering walls;

"She has no direction." 

To be continued.

[ashtoncornelson-blog]

ten things that made it clear I was in love beyond saving

I was so set on not falling in love... not before I left for Germany. Not before I got to experience life without my heart tied down... and then boom. Dylan stole every last bit of those thoughts away; all of a sudden all of my big plans changed drastically and I love him for it.

1. I stopped being so opinionated with everything. I started to watch soccer... I started to let him choose the music without complaints... 

2. Everything reminded me of him. Not to be totally cliche, but well, everything, right down to Bleaker's shorts in Juno.

3. I had to fight to not allow him to slip into every conversation I was having with anyone, because that gets annoying.

4. I took his advice seriously... I don't take advice. Period.

5. Eminem and KiD CuDi became a serious part of my music library.

6. While shopping I found myself remembering things he told me he liked and gravitated towards trying on those styles. Since when has anyone affected my style choice?!

7. I stopped hating winter's guts. (Mostly he taught me not to hate)

8. I fell hard for fancy sauce (that ketchup and mayo combo)

9. My idea of my future changed drastically...compromising became simple. I have never felt so excited about life. 

10. I've never been so happy to give a foot massage (even without one in return)

[ashtoncornelson-blog]

eleven lyrics that gave me goosebumps/relate to my life exceptionally/made me cry

1. "We are all decomposing houses, but I think that you make us a home." -Levi the Poet, Seasons

2. In Ben Howard’s “End the Affair” at the end when he’s kind of yelling “This is hell, what the hell love”

3. "And you laugh like you’ve never been lonely, that’s alright honey, that’s alright with me” -Ben Howard, Bones

4. "I saw a friend of mine the other day, and he told me that my eyes were gleaming, I said I’d been away, and he knew, oh he knew the depths I was meaning, and it felt so good to see his face all the comfort invested in my soul, oh to feel the warmth of his smile when he said I’m happy to have you home” -Ben Howard, Keep Your Head Up

5. “But I won’t break, even when the earth around me shakes, when the things that had built us up brought us down, sometimes you have to leave the things you love for love” Roo Panes, Glory Days

6. “Stick your fingers through my hands if it helps you believe” -Levi the Poet, Memories

7. "What good is living the life you’ve been given if all you do is stand in one place” -Lord Huron

8. Uncle Bobby by Flyleaf. That song was my strength when a girl from my grade passed away suddenly. 

9. "I’m like the jack of all trades that’s a master of none” -City and Colour, The Grand Optimist 

10. "What if I can’t be all that you need me to be, we’ve got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep, but my addiction it can be such a detriment, please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent” (And the rest of that song, it’s just so…accurate) -City and Colour, Little Hell

11. "Old enough to comprehend but young enough to dream." -Levi the Poet, Correspondence

[ashtoncornelson-blog]

ten (recent) favorite artists of mine (in no particular order)

I'm lazy and it's late and today's list is going to basically suck. 

Day Number Two of My Ten Ideas

1. Ben Howard

2. Feist

3. Daughter

4. Roo Panes

5. RY X

6. Jack Garrett

7. Levi the Poet

8. Hozier

9. The Head and the Heart

10. Kid Cudi

[ashtoncornelson-blog]

ten things I wish to accomplish in the next ten years

I'm unaware of how familiar you are with Levi the Poet, but while I was abroad, he became a good friend of mine. You see, Europe brought me many wonderful things: the ability to embrace independence, the opportunity to wander endlessly, the chance to taste some incredible brews, some of the most fascinating and wonderful people I'll likely ever meet, and countless others. Yes, Europe was astounding in all of it's beauty... but with all of that beauty came some of the darkest days I'll likely ever come to know. And that was when I met Levi. 

I waited quietly one night at a bus stop in the dark for bus number 831 to finally arrive to bring me home. I watched airplanes fly over me. I wondered and waited until the day I could finally board mine. At this time I had hit rock bottom; I was the loneliest I had ever been, without a will to fight. On shuffle came the one singular song I had at the time by LTP. It was titled "Dear Pianist". This song saved my life in many ways. From the first number of words he spit out I was stolen away from my depressed state. 

His words were raw. They were real. They were dripping with reality and they broke my heart and mended it all at once and I stood there, in my shivering body, dampened by the humid chill but suddenly, I belonged to something. I stood there and I held my breath. I listened to every word, I took good care of all of the brilliant things he had to say. He said a lot of them. At this time, I didn't have a clue what inspired him to write such things. I didn't know a thing about him, but one thing was clear to me; his heart was aching as he spoke.

His honesty brought my weary heart hope. To ache is okay. 

I listened to every last poem Levi had to offer. I listened to them endlessly. I didn't listen to any other artist for probably three weeks. On trains, and busses, in stations, during long walks and virtually everywhere else, he spoke to me. I felt like I had made my very first friendship in Europe, and my depression would lift, for I felt like someone understood hopelessness the way I was understanding hopelessness. And although the ache in my heart could not compare to the ache in his (I later found he had lost his father to suicide), I still felt some sort of a connection. Some sort of a hope. That it's okay to be honest with ourselves. It's okay to tell the world you feel hopeless. But mostly what changed my state was when he taught me it was okay to be honest about our hopelessness and doubt with God. 

Anyway - that is a very lengthy introduction to what I was initially wanting to begin. I never really expected to exhaust all of that, but it happened, as writing and life both do, and now I will continue. 

I began to follow his blog, download his albums, follow him on twitter, Facebook. And recently, he started a string of "Ten Ideas" lists that originated here . I was entirely intrigued, and I decided to challenge myself personally with this as well. So as gloomy as the introduction is, today is the day I begin with Ten Ideas challenge. I simply wanted to give you the backstory on my correlation to Levi, and give credit to those deserving. 

Day Number One of My Ten Ideas

1. Learn how to make bread

2. Visit Germany again

3. Say "I do"

4. Establish my/our own home - in whatever shape or form that is

5. Find a job I feel accomplished at as well as a job where I can impact people's lives. 

6. Read through the bible at least once. 

7. Become a mama

8. Visit the mountains (preferably a lot of times)

9. Beat Grandpa at a game of chess

10. Write a book