I Hope You Find Your Peace

Only here as an outlet.

[asian-duchess]

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of living in your shadow. I thought if I dimmed my own light enough, maybe you would burn brighter. I was wrong, you sought only to eclipse me.

[asian-duchess]

I would rather think of anything but this. Because this raises too many questions. This, is a concept, this is a standalone moment of time. If I just blink maybe I’ll get lucky and this, will have happened a lifetime ago. If I just close my eyes then maybe this doesn’t have to be this way.

If I just close my heads and cover my ears, then this never has to happen. I never have to be lost in a crowd screaming your name. Begging you not to run away. Tearing my heart apart thinking maybe your love is going to be there somewhere under the wrappings.

[asian-duchess]

I wonder if things will always be like this. If I will ever be able to look up at the night sky between December and January and not think of you.

[asian-duchess]

Alright. I’m gonna say it. This time of year sucks. I have absolutely no business being on anything except auto-pilot between October to the beginning of January.

Because this time of year is when I struggle the hardest. And I’m not talking about financially or what gift to give what’s their face. I’m talking about how this time of year makes me want to uproot my entire existence and move to the moon. Get as far away from your warmth as possible so that I can no longer remember what it was like. Go somewhere, go anywhere so that I don’t even have to think about you.

[asian-duchess]

Today I was supposed to wake up different. Today I was supposed to be so much stronger than I was before, but I can’t seem to get out of bed. It’s not for lack of trying, and it’s not that these sheets twist around my ankles or my wrists. My blanket isn’t bullet proof and no matter how many times I tie it around my neck and try to lift my feet off the ground, I will never look like a superhero.

This ideation of something so appalling I feel goosebumps down my spine. I don’t need you to feel the curves in my back to reassure me they’re there or not. I don’t need you to take me back to my bed and breathe life into my skin. I need you to bury the skeletons in my closet.

[asian-duchess]

Sick Cycle

Being in this rotten mental state makes me really envy anyone around me, blissfully unaware that my brain is constantly chewing itself into pieces. Left alone too long I start balling my eyes out or laying in my bed in silence or both. Shuffling between forcing myself to "get back out there" in every sense; to talk to someone, to eat, get a drink, to leave this room. And I can't tell you how much I can't. How much these bed sheets swallowing me whole sounds like paradise. How much these walls painted white rearrange themselves between being made of fire or ice or cement I wish I could bash my head into. I can't. I can't do it because doing that means that's it, that's the end. I can't breathe. And then suddenly I can. Suddenly my feet start working and I sitting at my desk working. Then I'm pretending that I'm working. Then I stop and I sit in silence. Then I'm crying. Then I just can't. And it repeats and it repeats. And I wish I knew what my highs were because I can't take this psychotic cycle of lows.

[asian-duchess]

I haven’t been active on tumblr in years so.. this is really different. I am surprised I still have damn near 200 followers. Thanks guys. So I guess I owe you a life update (in backwards order since mine is a story of growth):

I Am Alive

This is me after.. crying my heart out about my family, running to my best friend because I felt I couldn’t run to my boyfriend, visiting the college I hated, talking to friends I hadn’t spoken to in months, thinking about the friends I spoke to over Facebook that I hadn’t seen since high school, waiting for my next unemployment payment, losing my job of two years, graduating with a bachelors degree, making a new friend, going to a convention for the first time with my cousin in over seven years, fighting back tears when it sank in that my father didn’t come to my portfolio show, having a conversation with someone I never knew I could care about at my portfolio show, reuniting with my best friend, smoking alone at night, sobbing because someone I love died, chainsmoking, hating my job, smoking, failing classes, dealing with six months of bronchitis, refusing treatment, getting sick, blown out alcoholism, passing classes, praying, drinking, no longer praying, writing poetry instead of praying…

I’m not reborn. I’m not back because I’m a better person. I relapsed, I started smoking then stopped, found drugs then stopped, found new crowd after new crowd after small crowd then no crowd, I got my heart ripped out of me.

I am both the panicked artist and the silent muse.

But goddammit I’m alive.

[asian-duchess]

It's been weeks since the last time I'd seriously thought of you. And to this day it seems I'm still making the same mistakes. And suddenly it's like I'm in your car again, watching you speed down the highway. And we're still miles apart. Miles and miles apart.

[bluntstatementss]

*is only cute in certain angles and lighting*

[imnotcuteimadorabloodthirsty]

Asexuals, bisexuals, and pansexuals all have a closet to come out of. Except it’s less of a closet and more like the wardrobe to Narnia.

‘Cause when they come out, no one believes them or the things they experienced.

[theasexualityblog-deactivated20]

Where is the lie?

[sportypeach-deactivated20160218]

I feel this on so many levels

[foxysmoulder]

but really guys

tampons/pads marketed to young kids who just started getting their periods

should be a thing

wrappers with dinosaurs and planets and glitter and cats and sea creatures 

make kids feel comfortable about something natural that happens to their bodies. 

and for goodness sake

don’t sexualize it

[spunkyy]

No. Actually. Why do you need this? You don’t. Getting your period means you are starting to mature, which means you need to drive them AWAY from needless things like that. Also, you all bitch enough as it is about paying for these things, imagine how much more money companies will charge for those things? Or, maybe EDUCATE them, so they will already feel comfortable about it. Jesus fucking christ. 

[jeancrocker-blog]

Tell that to ten-year-old me, who still hadn’t had the period talk yet in school. I was crying and freaking out because I thought I was dying. Then my mother comes up to me and says with a smile “You’re becoming a woman!” I didn’t want to grow up yet. I was ten. Fucking ten and was told to start to grow up. My mom wanted me to get away from silly little kids things because I’m fucking bleeding out my goddamn vagina.

Also some people are children at heart and like to be silly and having a dinosaur-patterned maxi-pad would be pretty fuckin’ hilarious and I’m sure there’d be a huge market for that.

Not all people with vaginas are stoic and serious and want the same frilly, swirly boring-ass pads and tampons.

[tafffypulller]

Plus if you’ve been having a miserable day and say you bought the character variety pack of pads. Sitting in the bathroom stall wanting to stab everyone and you open up some baby dinosaur pads. You’ve got dinosaurs in your underwear. No ones gonna ruin your day now.

[kceyagi-deactivated20190519]

Kotex does have a “tween” line of pads where the packages are cuter and the designs on the pads have stars and flowers. But no dinosaurs. :( 

[asian-duchess]

Setting: Its 7:15pm. Dad: has she been sleeping all this time? Mom: no she came home earlier from work Me: ....(was home by 4:30) Me: *walks downstairs* Dad you waved hi to me when I got home !

[desimalemodels]

[transcendentalbrilliance]

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to ignore you when you want to talk to him.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to shove you when he’s angry.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to call you a dumbass or a bitch when you’re in an argument.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to threaten to leave the relationship every time you defend yourself.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to invalidate your feelings.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to not tell you who he’s with or where he’s going.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to keep making the same detrimental mistake over and over.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to use your insecurities against you.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to make you feel guilty for having desires and needs.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to tell you that you’re stupid when you cry.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to cheat on you because he’s “just a stupid guy.”

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to rely on you when he doesn’t do a thing for himself.

it’s not normal for your boyfriend to hurt you intentionally.

please stop normalizing toxic romantic relationships. it’s not healthy for your partner to upset you and behave recklessly as long as he apologizes later. apologies mean nothing after he has repeatedly disrespected you. kisses and hugs mean nothing after he has repeatedly disrespected you. public displays of affection mean nothing after he has repeatedly disrespected you. promises mean nothing after he has repeatedly disrespected you. it is not okay for him to hurt you physically or emotionally because he said he’ll change. he hasn’t. he won’t. get out now because THIS! IS! NOT! NORMAL! other couples do not go through this. other couples did NOT have to go through this to be in a happy, wholesome place.

he is manipulative and selfish and he is making you weak every time you agree to stay. even when you feel like “maybe this time, things will be okay,” they won’t – that’s what he wants you to think so you never slip from his grasp. you know as well as i do you’re 50 times overdue for “this is his last chance.” this is not normal.

[transcendentalbrilliance]

​help me get this around so my friend can see how many people agree with me and that she needs to walk away from her toxic relationship

[asian-duchess]

Sigh. Conflict is fucking senseless. Please shut up.

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[asian-duchess]

My bank, mobile carrier, and school are complete shit btw. I cannot handle a mental breakdown right now.