Musings @asian-nutcase - Tumblr Blog

I disgust myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a masochist.

If I am addicted to pity, and pain, and care.

If the only way I know I feel loved is for someone to bend over backwards for me, doing everything I ask without asking outright.

Am I crazy? I might be.

Crazy enough to deem myself self-righteous when no one is looking.

Crazy enough to dive deep into a hole of depression if it means I can make you guilty.

Crazy enough to protect myself from all blame, so that every fault is found with anyone but me.

Was I always like this? Or was I made this way? Did I create this ugly caricature of myself after I was broken, using jagged pieces to re-create myself, having forgotten what I looked like when I was actually whole?

And if I was always like this and I am only just now realizing it, doesn’t that make me even worse?

I wonder. Can you still love me if you knew me?

#personal

What if I don’t make it? I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it before. Really, truly, realistically Considering how much of a planner I am, why hadn’t I planned for this? Am I really that confident, or just delusional? Has my own self been deceiving me this entire time? I asked for a sign. Is this my sign? Does it mean stop, or try harder? When I picture my future, it was always with music. Now, it seems that all I see is black and white corporate. What’s next? For the first time, I’m not sure.

#Personal