A Fortunately Titled Ask Blog

Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective John Watson: Army Doctor

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

Sherlock, you seem to blush a lot when John compliments you… do you have a bit of a praise kink?

Sherlock: Well- that’s a bit rude to ask a total stranger.

John: Yeah, that’s…erm…private. He does blush an awful lot, though.

Sherlock: John!

John: What? It’s true.

Sherlock: Some things are better off secrets.

John: It’s not really a secret…

Sherlock: John.

John: Fine, yes, sorry.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

hypoth- HYPOTHETICALLY. you two got married. what would your last names be???

Sherlock: …Hypothetically.

John: Well, you know- Oh, don’t give me that look, you arse, I wouldn’t be taking your name.

Sherlock: Well, us Holmes’ would take great joy in-

John: Nope, if anything, you’d take mine.

Sherlock: Sherlock Watson? Atrocious, my livelihood would be ruined.

John: Hyphenated?

Sherlock: I suppose. Sherlock Holmes-Watson.

John: Watson-Holmes!

Sherlock: Alphabetical order, John!

John: That doesn’t matter!

Sherlock: All right, then I’d keep my last name!

John: Fine!

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

what was your happiest moment together boys 🥺🥺

John: Probably when we first met.

Sherlock: It really went downhill from there.

John: No? I don’t think so-

Sherlock: That was your dating era.

John: Oh, so downhill for you.

Sherlock: I believe it was a bad time for both of us. But going to Angelo’s was…fun.

John: Fun? We were chasing a bloody serial murderer and I killed someone.

Sherlock: Exactly. Fun!

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

i met someone who unironically ships "AnderLock"...

Sherlock: No.

John: That…oh my GOD, you mean ANDERSON? AND- HA-

Sherlock: …Despicable. Sickening. Twisted.

John: I’ll say! Hey, Sherlock, is that why you’re always so eager to go running to NSY? ‘Cause of your mate, Anderson?

Sherlock: You’d do well to remember that I solve murders for a living, and am more than capable of covering one up if the need were to arise-

John: Oh, shut up and let me have my fun- but Christ, ANDERLOCK-

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

john watson is not gay. he is holmosexual

John: Hm.

Sherlock: …Well.

John: I’ve never heard that one before! That’s- er, clever- that’s actually…uh, really funny, yeah-

Sherlock: It reassures your sexuality, does it not?

John: Oh, shut up, you nutter.

Sherlock: I’m not the Holmosexual here, John. The internet does not lie.

John: Sure it doesn’t!

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

Do you two read the fanfiction written about you?

Sherlock: Well…

John: We’ve definitely…seen some.

Sherlock: …not excessively, of course.

John: It’s more like, we’ll get a link in a comment, we’ll go to this- what’s it called, Sherlock?

Sherlock: AO3, I believe.

John: Right, yeah, we’ll read a bit and if it’s not, like, explicit, then yeah, we’ll- er- yeah.

Sherlock: Just a bit.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

theres a pedo named belles-rose

John: I scrolled through their whole blog…er…lots of Beauty and the Beast stuff, but nothing strictly illegal. Also, apparently they’re inactive now?

Sherlock: Are you positive that’s the right blog?

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

What are your favorite movies?? (This is very important)

Sherlock: I don’t often indulge in-

John: Oh, shut up and tell them.

Sherlock: …Fine. The Maltese Falcon. Mycroft had me watch it when I was a boy to snap me out of my “unfortunate pirating phase.“ Sad to say that it worked.

John: He’s made me watch it six times. It’s bloody boring, it is.

Sherlock: Really? Well at least I don’t watch awful Bond films. How many are there? 8,000?

John: Best one, hands down, is Goldeneye.

Sherlock: Brosnan? I would have thought better of you. Statistically, with the gross earnings of each- the acting skills, however poor they may be…I’d prefer the Craig Bond. Or at least Connery.

John: Remember who does the laundry in this flat and choose your next words very carefully.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

Dr. Watson and Mr. Holmes I have a question. I did not wish to ask this before, but I find it difficult to keep this withheld in the recess of my own mind. Would you hit Rosie if she exhibited slightly out of the norm behaviour? For example, she flapped her hands or jumped up and down in excitement.

Not too seriously of course. A light slap at best. But I would like to know (regardless of how boring normal is) if it is normal behaviour for parents to do that. I've been told it's not.

-KS

Sherlock: No.

John: Absolutely not! No! Sherlock: I know we’ve got a queue started, but I felt we ought to answer this now- and I agree with John.

John: I’d never hurt my daughter. Not even if she- if she trashed the flat or coloured on the walls.

Sherlock: Hurting a child for exhibiting what sound like neurodivergent or autistic behaviours is unacceptable, no matter how out of the norm said behaviour is. John: Fact is, violence teaches violence. Even if it’s just a light slap, its still teaching a kid that it’s okay to hit others when they seem weird or ‘not normal’.

Sherlock: Please refrain from hitting your children- and that goes for anyone.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

What meal/treat can a) John and b) Sherlock cook/bake best? - TN

John: Well, as I do most of the cooking around here-

Sherlock: -you can barely make tea properly-

John: -my mum taught me to make great chicken noodle soup.

Sherlock: Your mother taught you to make that? I suppose I thought it was boxed.

John: Well, it was the first thing that made me want to go into a field to take care of people, funny that.

Sherlock: I…see. Well, I’m quite good at most aspects of baking, as it is simply science. Cooking? Well…

John: He once nearly blew up the flat trying to make stir fry.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

What should I give to Greg as a birthday present? - TN xx

Sherlock: Who’s ‘Greg’?

John: Sherlock…

Sherlock: Kidding! He’s the, erm…

John: Detective Inspector.

Sherlock: Right, yes! Him. Well, when’s his birthday?

John: Sherlock!

Sherlock: Today! I’m guessing. Most likely.

John: Probably get him some liquor. I dunno, alcohol? He’s a DI, probably goes through a lot.

Sherlock: Are you kidding yourself? Gavin hardly does a thing to warrant stress, those cogs are barely turning, no- Get him a black light for his bedroom, and a paternity test for his youngest daughter.

John: Oh, Christ-

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

I debated whether I should send this ask. But I felt I need to give an update. Society's standard of love had me extremely confused. We both are in a queerplatonic relationship (both of us are queer) ((I also do not know how I missed that since she said we've always been that way and we have. I am talking about the queerplatonic relationship, mind.)) and while we both want to and are displaying affection in ways that are generally considered romantic. Neither of us feel the need to go into a romantic endeavour (despite my confusion it is quite clear I have not felt romantic attraction to her or anyone else for that matter) So there's no label to it. Not exactly anyways. We aren't lovers or friends. We are somewhere in between. And neither of us mind. I do want to go on dates with her but not in the romantic sense. (This realisation is something I am struggling with. The fact that I don't feel romantic attraction. Maybe. Not sure yet.) We are quite happy. And while labels like friends and all no longer fit. I am glad that there is always the internet to look for terms we both might be comfortable with. (I have to go tell the news to rest of our meddling friends.) -KS

Sherlock: Well…I suppose I ought to congratulate you.

John: Yeah, er- sorry for the late reply, we’ve been swamped with cases and actually had to go across the world while chasing-

Sherlock: Not the point, but yes. Sincere apologies, etc. Either way, it’s always excellent to hear the result of one’s own good advice-

John: -and inflated ego-

Sherlock: -so I wish you and your new S/O luck. And, of course, we will be answering your most recent asks. In due time. Possibly in a few minutes while John makes tea.

John: Figured we’d catch up. Eventually. Sorry again, really. I’ll see if I can bring my laptop, or set up one of those…erm…queues while we’re away.

Sherlock: Wouldn’t want the blog to get stagnant. Of course, if you’ve got any other ideas for content, you’re welcome to send another ask.

John: We’ll answer it in about 52837363 years.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

how are you finding life nowadays with covid and everything

John: Ugh. COVID. Right.

Sherlock: Vaccines and all, that helps. Definitely not as challenging as it was in the beginning.

John: He was bouncing off the bloody walls, and I mean- he just…going absolutely bonkers from lack of, erm-

Sherlock: Cases, stimuli, life itself!

John: Yeah, that- I almost strangled him a few times, actually, but it was good to- er- get to know him better.

Sherlock: Lack of dates were a blessing.

John: For you, of course.

Sherlock: …Of course.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

I found sherlock/reader fanfic the other day

Sherlock: Really?

John: Well…that’s…certainly…

Sherlock: …interesting.

John: Right. Yeah. Erm.

Sherlock: I wouldn’t really- are you serious? They make that?

John: People want to be with you? Like…in the literal sense?

Sherlock: …I suppose so. No stopping these deranged fans, the least we can do is tolerate it. Unlike some people.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

What are your favorite things about each other? In particular, I’d like to know one physical quality, and one personality quality.

John: Favourite things? Erm- right, uh, start physical, that’s the easiest.

Sherlock: Easiest?

John: Shut up. Er- I’d say cheekbones.

Sherlock: Imaginative.

John: Shut up. They’re- I dunno, appealing? Like, in a- you know, strictly platonic sense. You know?

Sherlock: Oh, I’m aware. I suppose I’ll have to say your eyes if I can’t say your vocal cords.

John: My eyes and not my-

Sherlock: You have heterochromia. Obviously. And the personality trait is your ability to listen. You’re a…mediocre listener. At best.

John: Thanks, mate.

Sherlock: “Mate.”

John: Best personality trait of yours is your kindness.

Sherlock: I’m not kind.

John: Yes, yes, you are. You don’t realise it, but you’re damn well near the kindest person I know.

Sherlock: …

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

Okay but John have you considered

They're really good fics

John: Why…would I read fanfiction about myself? That’s a bit odd, no?

Sherlock: As long as you avoid the weird ones, they can be fairly interesting.

John: What do you mean by weird ones, Sherlock?

Sherlock: Among the few I’ve read, there are ones that are called ‘Omegaverse’, and that’s…concerning. Ones where we’re played by actors named Benadryl Cabbagepatch and…M-something Freeman. Usually involving lots of sex.

John: Benadryl? What the hell are you talking about?

Sherlock: I didn’t finish reading it.

John: Anything not horribly scarring?

Sherlock: Lots of…erm…domestic ones.

John: Domestic. Well. There’s our relationship in a nutshell.

[ask-john-and-sherlock]

Thanks for that. That certainly helped. I tried listing down reasons as to what could cause me to feel so intensely for her. (Externally and as unbiased as I could) Lot of factors of course. So I asked her, jokingly, how a date between us would look. (To clear things out a bit, I suppose.) She smiled, and asked if I was asking her out.

I didn't answer. (I panicked I am so sorry.) And she thought the connection went away so she cut the call.

WHAT DO I DO? DID I DO THE WRONG THING? HAVE I HURT HER LIKE THE INCONSIDERATE FOOL I AM?

-KS

Sherlock: Ah, the old “go silent at the face of any sentiment” trick.

John: That’s not a- nevermind.

Sherlock: Either way, I don’t think you did the wrong thing. A simple apology text should suffice (or, in your case, should have sufficed).

John: Probably didn’t hurt her, either.

Sherlock: Bad connections happen all the time.

John: Like when I call you to pick up milk at Tesco’s and you crinkle paper in your mobile to make it sound like it’s a bad connection?

Sherlock: …In all fairness, I never ended up having to pick up the milk.