The Futile Outweighs the Beautiful

Lucian Crowley | 28 | Unemployed | ❤ Hello, my name's Lucian Crowley. I've got a hell of a lot of past and not enough future in sight. Currently a little out of commission but hopefully I'll pull myself out of it. Ask me anything you'd like and I'll get to it when I do. [RP Account - Coopcian 1x1 - Cooper]

[ask-coop]

Yes, of course I don’t know shit. What would I fucking know, right? Why did you do it then, Luc? Why did you fuck yourself over that royally when you were doing so fucking well up to that point?

I never said I was fucking perfect and I wasn’t fucking talking down to you. That’s your own insecurities popping up and you aren’t fucking passing that shit off on me.

You know what? Fuck it, believe what you want, I’m done.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Why the fuck would I tell you about it now when you're so damn pissed off? What good would that do for either of us?

Whatever. Fine. Be done.

[ask-coop]

Is that what the drugs were about, Luc? You couldn’t fucking handle being pissed off? You couldn’t handle feelings like a motherfucking grown up so you just ran the fuck away from them? Goddamn it, you nearly fucking killed yourself because you wanted to hide from bad shit? News flash, Beautiful, bad. shit. happens. All the fucking time. Medicating that shit never makes it go away.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Fuck you. You don't know shit about why I did what I did so don't you fucking talk like you know everything. Don't fucking talk to me like I'm an idiot! I know all that shit so don't tell me! I know I can't be picture perfect like the Cooper Anderson but that doesn't give you the fucking right to talk down to me.

[ask-coop]

I’m not playing the blame game with you Lucian. I refuse to, but you will not make me look like a fucking bad guy in this.

Lucian, I’ve already told you the reasons I had for leaving, and you and I both know that the two of us wasn’t… healthy.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

I know you aren't the fucking bad guy! I'm just... angry. Just let me be angry! I haven't felt anything for over half a year and it's my own damn fault for getting mixed up with shit that I shouldn't have but I didn't know how to deal with it. But I haven't felt any anger or whatever the fuck for months and now it's all just here.

[ask-coop]

Jesus Christ, whatever. You have an answer for everything, especially when it’s to avoid listening to someone try and tell you something good about yourself, don’t you?

Christ„ Luc, I’m sick of being called a liar every time I say something nice about you. You’ve been doing it for a long fucking time, and it’s fucking frustrating.

No matter if you believe what I say or not can you just have faith that I believe what I’m saying is 100% true and therefore I’m not lying?

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Not to sound like a know-it-all, but yeah, I guess I do.

What, do you think I do it just because? I've got a damn good reason for denying this shit. Like maybe you'll get over whatever kind of thing you have for me and just move the fuck on like you were supposed to after you broke up with me. Forgive me if I'm not too keen to believe these nice things you say after ending our relationship and then ignoring me.

[ask-coop]

Luc… don’t think that just because you’re being flattering I don’t notice that you’re still downplaying your own importance.

I’d like to think that you at least realize that I… that you mean a lot to me and breaking up didn’t change that.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Isn't me changing the subject better than you awkwardly trying to lift up my nonexistent self-esteem?

[ask-coop]

Taste In Men || Coopcian

[ask-coop]

Cooper nodded when Lucian said that it might just be a placebo, “hey, as long as it works, right?” He shrugged, “hell, I might just head to the fucking pet store after this now the way I’ve been going.” He finished fixing his beverage and took his first sip with a grateful sigh at the way the warm liquid tasted on his tongue, the way it warmed its way though him. He watched as Lucian winced and smiled a little, “careful, it’s hot.” His voice was deadpan, as if he really were warning the other man and not just being a complete smartass. Apparently, faking his way though the awkwardness had been just what he’d needed, because conversation was coming more easily. It was almost as if Cooper could, at least for an instant, forget the weight of all the things between them and just enjoy Lucian’s company. He shrugged when Lucian asked him what kind of dog he had, “generic brown dog. She’s a rescue, but I’m pretty sure there’s some Labrador in her.” He smiled, “you know me, I have to be someone’s hero, so rescue dog.” At least now he could see it in himself, and he figured that had to be some kind of progress.

He followed Lucian to the little secluded table and contemplated for a moment were to place the chair. Part of him wanted to sit so that he was next to Lucian, close enough to touch, but the logical part of his brain knew that that was probably the dumbest idea he’d had in… well maybe in a week (he had some very stupid ideas, after all, many of which he followed through on). He didn’t, however, follow through on that stupid idea, and instead sat across from Lucian, leaning back casually on the chair and eyeing the other man. “So,” he said, his voice drawing out the vowel sound just a little before he quieted. So maybe he was still pretty awkward, after all, he thought as he looked down at his hands around the coffee cup. It wasn’t that he didn’t have anything to say to Lucian, it was that he didn’t know where to start, and he didn’t know which things he should say at all. After that slow pause, though, Cooper started chuckling, “fuck, this is kind of awkward.” He said before he even realized he called them out on that.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Lucian smiled a little at his comment, nodding. “It wouldn't hurt to try out,” he agreed, though he felt another flash of worry for how he had been sleeping. A part of him wanted to ask about it but he refrained, it wasn't his place anyway. When he warned him that it was hot, he snorted and rolled his eyes. “Thanks, I didn't notice,” he returned, dripping sarcasm. At Cooper's answer to his question, he raised an eyebrow at the blunt honesty, but he supposed that was a good thing. “Well, I'm sure she appreciates your hero... thing.” He was sure there was a word for it but he couldn't quite pick it off the tip of his tongue, which embarrassed him a little but he refused to show any of that embarrassment, glancing elsewhere. He blew on his drink a little bit to help cool it off.

Glancing across the table when he started talking again, he raised an eyebrow over his drink, waiting for him to continue, but he trailed off. The awkwardness of it all was practically palpable. He didn't like it one bit and dropped his gaze to his cup of hot chocolate, tipping it a little bit to the right and twirling it around in his hands, listening to the light swoosh of liquid. Jumping a little bit when he finally made another noise, he glanced up at him, eyebrows furrowing a little bit at his laughter. His mouth opened a little at his statement and shifted a little, wondering if this was actually a very good idea, not for the first time; he still couldn't help the small smile at the sound of his laughter. Lucian forced out a soft laugh, nodding slightly. “A little,” he agreed and took a long sip of his hot chocolate. “Is there, um, something I could do... to help with the awkwardness?” he inquired, clearing his throat and meeting his eyes, to make it seem like he hadn't sounded completely and helplessly shy and nervous. He felt like this outing was going to be the defining moment of the rest of their relationship and if he fucked it up, ruining all of his chances, he didn't think he would forgive himself.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.

Robert Downey Junior

[ask-coop]

Seriously Lucian? You think I was lying to make you feel better? Why can’t that night have been just as great to me?

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Sure, it might've been great for you, but to make your top three? I don't believe you. Maybe your birth should be there instead? Or maybe that should be on mine.

[ask-coop]

The day my parents brought Blaine home from the hospital after he was born.

The day Christine agreed to marry me (no matter what the end result of that was, in that moment I was ecstatic).

And this is in no way in order, so do think this was the least happy of my happiest days, but do you remember when we played tag because we were immature assholes? Yeah, that night.

So now you know my three, you can’t just cheat and say that nobody could answer that question. Now your only excuse is not wanting to share.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Well, I get the first two, but if I make that list then I'm sure you were just grasping for anything. No matter how... great that night was for me, I really don't think I believe you. You don't have to do that because you think it would hurt me not to make it on your top three best days, or whatever.. I'm a big boy. I can handle the truth.

Maybe my other excuse was laziness? There, I have two excuses- laziness and not wanting to share. I think that gives me a free ride from answering.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

ask-coop said: I can.

Oh yeah? I'm curious.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Are there any songs that remind you of specific people/moments in your life and what are those songs (and who/what do they remind you of)?

I don't really know. I mean, I like music and everything, but I guess I'm not really a music kind of guy. I've always associated Name by Goo Goo Dolls with Cooper, for some reason that I don't really remember right now. And then there's Let It Be by The Beatles that J Bird always begged me to sing to her when we were younger and she couldn't sleep.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Who do you think would mourn your passing if you were to die this instant?

Little J Bird maybe.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

What's one thing you've done that you're proud of?

I decided to try out rehab.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

What were the three best days of your life?

Uh... fuck if I know? Seriously, I doubt anyone could recollect the three best days of their entire life.

[hoddor]

[tattoophrases]

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.

Bob Marley (via tattoophrases)

[ask-coop]

Taste In Men || Coopcian

[ask-coop]

Cooper smiled and nodded at his ex when he tried to admonished him for not sleeping. He wasn’t going to say anything about the nightmares that still seemed to craw their way into his dreams, nightmares where Lucian appeared as both the villain and the one good thing on too many occasions. Cooper had heard somewhere that grown men weren’t supposed to have nightmares, that their appearance was a sign of mental illness or some kind of imbalance, but he was far too frightened to that to try to see anyone. So instead he’d have a few drinks and then pass out into hopeful dreamlessness. “Sure thing,” he said, trying to force his voice to remain neutral. He didn’t want to talk about his troubles sleeping, this was supposed to be him reconnecting with his former lover, trying to strike up some kind of friendship, no matter how impossible that would be. He sighed at the way that the other man leaned into his hand, unable to stop the small, sweet smile on his face. “I’m really not,” he said in response to Lucian calling him sweet. He dropped his hand and looked down, chuckling a little, “you know better than anyone that I’m a world class fuck-up, Luc.”

He squeezed Lucian’s hand when the other man let him help him out of the car, rolling his eyes at the raised eyebrows. He knew that his ex wasn’t feeling the chivalrous actions, but that was just how he was. It hadn’t meant to be emasculating. He followed Lucian towards the shop, a step behind the other man at his right elbow. At the mention of catnip Cooper looked at him incredulously. “Really,” he said, still trying to sound casual, “we were trying to find you something to help you sleep for months and the solution was at the fucking pet store all along?” His hand itched to take Lucian’s again, or to rest at the small of the other man’s back. He wanted some kind of contact. Instead, he shoved his hands into his pocket and shrugged, “if it’s too late for caffeine get a hot chocolate or something.” He was having such a hard time being casual, but he went up to the counter and got his dark roast, paying quickly and stepping aside. He took a deep breath. He could do this, he could be friends with Lucian. That was something they’d never tried to be before. They’d been mortal enemies and deeply, sickly codepenant lovers, but they’d never just been friends. “I forgot you had a cat,” he said, chuckling, “did I tell you I got a dog? It’s been so quiet in the house and so I went and got a dog.” He grabbed his coffee and set about fixing it up to his taste, a precise mixture of cream, sugar and mocha powder. He’d been teased for his specific taste in coffee before, but he didn’t see the need to change his tastes because of it.

[ask-lucian-crowley]

Lucian kept his mouth shut as he denied that he was sweet, pursing his lips slightly. He wanted to contradict him but he knew that it would go in one ear and right back out the other. Whenever Cooper felt a certain way about himself, it was difficult to even start changing his mind, and he didn't feel like getting frustrated over trying to get him to see how he really was. They were supposed to be working through their problems and getting annoyed with the man because he wouldn't view himself in the light that Lucian did wouldn't help anything at all. A small part of him, that was probably more sane than the rest, knew he should feel some animosity towards Cooper; he had broken his heart and left him for dead, basically, without a clue as to what he had done. He knew he himself had been too attached to the man for his own good, and that he really shouldn't have reacted to their breakup so strongly, but he had been so in love with him. Never had he imagined himself falling for anyone and, when he finally did, he fell so hard that he couldn't pick himself back up. He was scared, even in that moment, that he was still too dependent on him being around that he couldn't imagine getting better on his own; he knew he had told Cooper he was doing this for himself, but was he really? He didn't honestly know, which was really bad.

He forced out as casual of a smile as he could, trying to match Cooper's tone and not seem too excited. It was difficult not to show how happy he was that he was spending time with his ex- happier than he really should be considering everything- but he tried to tone it down. “It's insane but it works. Or it might just be a placebo effect. I really can't give a damn, though, as long as I keep getting sleep.” He pulled a somewhat wistful smile and rolled his shoulders, eyes grazing across the board of coffee options hanging on the wall. Subconsciously, he had gravitated as close to the man as he could without touching him. “Crazy how you learn to appreciate the things you took for granted once you've lost it.” His cheeks flushed a light red as Cooper suggested getting a hot chocolate, feeling a little stupid for bringing that up when they both agreed on getting coffee. Holding back while the man ordered for himself, he tossed over what he could possibly do, since it was getting a little late, and he finally decided that it would be best to go ahead and get a hot chocolate. As of late, he hadn't been drinking all that much coffee, anyway; he only agreed to this because it seemed easy and he wanted nothing more than to see his love. Stepping up to the counter, he ordered a hot chocolate and payed. Taking the offered drink, he murmured a soft thanks before moving quickly over to where Cooper was fixing his drink. “Yeah, it's Juli's,” he murmured softly in response, taking a tentative sip of his own drink and wincing as the heat nipped at his tongue and throat. Lucian raised an eyebrow as he mentioned getting a dog, a small smile tugging at his lips. “No, you didn't mention that. What kind of dog?” he asked curiously, leading the way over to a table that was off in a secluded corner, hoping for a little privacy and wondering if Cooper would mind. He glanced at him for any sign that he didn't want to be alone with him, even though there were people littered all about the little cafe, as he took a seat.