papaya

i think a lot. she/her. pfp designed by the very talented kaldoesart44 <3 (yes im writing the louvre fic)

[papayafromtv]

~information~

this account is just for batfamily bullshit i think about and want to write down (as well as, probably, a sprinkling of other shit like bsd and bhna). i make a lot of shit up and nothing will ever be taken seriously so. mind your business if you’re gonna try and police the way i enjoy fake characters. asks are open!! but i will only answer ones to do with fandom shit/my fics. for questions about old orphaned fics or prompt stuffs/anything else you can always dm me <3

batcom convo masterpost pt 1 here! and pt 2 here! scenes alfred has to witness in the manor masterpost here!

uhhh social links people probably want: ao3: here kofi: here (prompts sold out again) twitch: here

kofi for writing support/tips (both of which are not necessary i will write no matter what, that's just for if you wanna influence what i write next/support me, i love all of you regardless) annnnd twitch for. idk sometimes i play games and people tell me to go live. so there's that. currently going through the arkham knight game :)

(if you think i deleted a fic, i didnt. i orphaned a bunch, so they're out there. scavenger hunt go find them :D)

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i want this dynamic of dick with jason and literally every other batsibling.

like, as a treat, could we have an au where jason gets adopted but has a very antagonistic relationship with dick, to the point where dick outright yells at jason that he hates him and hates having brothers, and so out of spite and wanting to piss dick off jason just keeps. bringing back more brothers to get on dick's nerves.

they get into a screaming match about how much dick never wanted a younger sibling and the next day jason runs to the nearest house and convinces the first kid he finds there to join the family specifically so tim can sit across from dick at the dinner table that night and jason can give him the most spiteful/falsely innocent smile possible when bruce announces that as tim's parents are out of gotham for the rest of the year he'll be the kid's acting guardian, and dick just has to watch him and bite his tongue.

talia literally never planned for damian to be sent to live with his father so early in life, it's just that jason walked out the compound on his way back home, remembered the tradition, did a 180, and then grabbed damian so that he could force dick to deal with yet another younger brother. dick is literally so stressed out.

listen. dick was pissed when tim showed up, but by the time jason comes back with damian it's less anger and more just genuine stress. like. he knows bruce's capabilities. he knows that younger ones tend to look up to nightwing more than anyone else in the community. he knows that any child that 'bruce' takes in is just going to be another kid for him to worry about and care too much for and look out for, not even because bruce isn't doing moderately well as a parent but just because there's something about older brother figures that seem more approachable than an adoptive father.

and jason fucking knows it.

they're in an eternal battle of jason encouraging bruce's adoption addiction and dick desperately trying to stop jason from bringing any more children anywhere near the manor for his own mental healths sake.

it gets to the point where dick will call jason a fatass over the phone while jason's walking down the street, and jason will instantly hang up the phone, turn on his heel towards the nearest school, and just start yelling over the fence 'ANY OF YOU GUYS NOT GOT PARENTS?'

duke was just trying to eat lunch but this random man started calling over and when duke put his hand up the man asked if he wanted a new family with a free inheritance included, and like, normally duke wouldn't touch that kind of weird shit with a ten foot pole, but he did recently figure out he has a bunch of insanely cool meta-human abilities so really what were the chances this guy could actually hurt him? 2% chance it actually works out, 98% chance he gets a cool story; no downsides. he's in.

steph got adopted literally because while tim and jason were hanging out in jason's room, dick went in to ask a question and didn't shut jason's door on the way out. the second he left jason turned to him and demanded 'don't you have a friend whose dad is a rogue? get that woman over here right now.'

i think maybe cass just showed up in jason's apartment one day, because she remembered him from when jason worked with david cain a few times in the league of assassins and when she ran away from him she decided jason was the most trustworthy person to go to for refuge, and i think jason probably had to bite his cheek awkwardly at her just like 'ok listen i'm gonna help you and usually i would take you right over to batman to sort all of this out, but i kinda have a system i need to uphold here, so you might have to hide out in here until my older brother pisses me off, if you're alright with that. we have a game night tomorrow planned and we're gonna play monopoly so like, i guarantee you won't have to wait very long'.

dick genuinely starts tweaking over the possibility of jason having children in reserve for when he steps over the line after they end up having the game night at jason's apartment and two hours in dick buys the last green property that jason had been gunning after for forty five minutes and refuses to sell to him and jason glares at him for fifteen seconds before just straight face hollering 'OK YOU'RE UP, GET IN HERE' and another fucking child just melts out from the shadows of the hall to ask how to play.

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do you guys think Jason takes advantage of the fact that he has so many underage vigilante siblings by telling them to secret shopper his goons and check that they adhere to the 'no selling to kids' rule? because i do and i think each child fucks up the job in their own spectacular way.

Nightwing, landing on a rooftop where Red Hood's speaking to one of his subordinates: yo, Hood, what's going on?

Jason: hey. just getting the report for that secret shopper thing i was gonna do with the Wayne kids.

Subordinate: yeah... uh, why are Bruce Wayne's kids taking part in this again?

Jason, without missing a beat: because non of their neighbours need their laws mowed and Brucie says it's important for kids their ages to start learning the responsibility of having a job. anyway, Damian was up tonight, right? who was he buying from, 'cause i already know they failed.

Subordinate: yeah, Rick let the kid buy from him, so he needs to be punished i guess. bought two eighths of weed and an ounce of coke without Rick even blinking.

Jason, frowning: yeah, call that guy up for me to 'speak' to-

Jason:

Jason: wait Damian bought what?

Subordinate: ...two eighths of weed and an ounce of coke?

Jason:

Dick: what's wrong?

Jason, shooting off a grapple: that little shit only gave me back the weed-

~

Jason: *crying with laughter in the middle of the street*

Dick, landing nearby: ...you ok Hood?

Jason: *wheezing*

Duke, faintly, from Jason's phone: ITS NOT FUNNY.

Dick: what's happened?

Jason: Duke- *wheeze* Duke was supposed to do his secret shopper assignment tonight, but he didn't read the memo properly and tried to buy from a group of four of my guys as Signal instead of himself,

Duke: -SHUT UP JASON.

Jason: *still struggling to breathe* so he- so he rocked up and asked to buy as Signal, and my guys all assumed he was arresting them for possession,

Dick: oh my god.

Jason: they dropped him everything they fucking had and bolted, and now he's panicking on the other end of Crime Alley because four peoples' entire product inventory is too much for him to carry in one go and he's scared of leaving any behind for kids to wander across, so he's- *collapses into more laughter*

Dick, in awe: he's just stuck guarding it?!

Duke, from Jason's phone, incredibly distressed: THE RATS ARE CIRCLING IN. I'M NOT USUALLY OUT THIS LATE. SOMEBODY NEEDS TO COME AND FUCKING HELP ME-

Jason: *loses it*

~

Dick: hey, Tim did his secret shopper thing tonight, right? how'd that go?

Jason: *head in his hands*

Dick: ...did the guy fail?

Jason, muffled: no.

Dick: then what happened?

Jason: i had him try to buy from the same guy as Damian, to see if he'd 'learned his lesson', and he refused to sell to Tim point blank.

Dick: ok...?

Jason: but then Tim got offended that he'd sold to Damian and not him, so he pulled a gun on the guy and robbed him instead.

Dick:

Dick: the fuck did he get a gun from-

Jason: i don't fucking know Dick.

~

*Dick and Jason getting food on patrol when Steph calls Jason*

Steph: so i did the thing and it didn't work but i don't think it didn't work because i'm a kid.

Jason: ...what do you mean?

Steph: well i walk up to these two guys and ask to buy, right? and they say sure, what do you want? and i go 'four', and these guys say 'four what' and i'm like ??? the fuck do you think? four drugs. and-

Jason: *puts his head in his hands as Dick chokes on his hotdog*

Steph: -they look at me like i'm the fucking idiot, like, you should know how to count if you're gonna be a drug dealer, it's not like you guys have cash registers to help you out, right? and they start arguing with me and telling me that clearly i'm already high—which, fuck you guys, my makeup is awesome tonight, i do not look like i did it while high, how dare you! so i said maybe they're high and i should call their boss and snitch for stealing his supply, and they were like 'nuh uh blondie, nuh uh!' all mocking and shit, so i kicked one guy in the balls and the other guy grabbed me and now they won't let me leave until i prove that you sent me.

Jason:

Dick: *crying*

Steph, brightly: so yeah, if you could come pick me up~

Jason: i hate all of you.

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during an argument with Ra's about whether or not the Al Ghul family could even be considered legal royalty, Jason convinces him to spend a ridiculous amount of time and resources declaring Nanda Parbat and by consequence the League of Assassins to be a part of their own independent nation/country, of which the Al Ghuls are the royal family. an unintended consequence of this is that they are then somehow invited to participate in the Olympic games, whereupon Jason thinks it would be funny to compete in the precision shooting division. it becomes rapidly less funny when he runs into Dick Grayson in the Olympic Village, because Dick lost a bet and had to compete in America's gymnastics division for that year.

a leaked series of press shots shows a photo of the two recreating the spiderman pointing meme in the middle of the street and then a photo of Jason booking it while Dick gives chase, and the footage of Jason winning the gold will forever be immortalised in Gotham meme culture simply because Dick is seen in the background of the entire livestream, standing in the front of the viewing area with his arms crossed and fucking glaring into the side of Jason's skull without blinking or looking away for a second.

Ra's has to give a statement about how he agreed to house Bruce Wayne's second ward as part of a witness protection program, and when he comes back from the press conference he solemnly declares to Jason that 'being royalty wasn't fucking worth it.'

[papayafromtv]

love your writing. what is a heacanon about the batboys you have but don’t think you’ll be able to write for some reason?

<333 TY!!! uhh tbh i’m not sure if i have one? im delusional enough to think that as long as time keeps moving and i keep writing that somehow i’ll get to everything i think of Eventually,,, so i’ve never really written off an idea as ‘oh i won’t get to that’. i also just dont know if anything i think about can be considered a specific ‘headcanon’ as opposed to just a general dynamic/au idea, so idk what would count.

i think something i’ve got in the back of my head that i’m sort of doubtful i’ll get the time to work on (at least any time soon, i refuse to write it off completely bcs i think it would be so cool to figure out) is a much much darker/angsty version of the whole jason&damian league brother dynamic and that translating into them being sort of ‘split up’ in gotham. not my usual gig but i think it would be fun even if i’d probably have to dead dove tag it if i ever did somehow manage to get the time to do it.

i just think there’s the potential to create a wildly damaging dynamic where jason’s mental health completely fucking crumbles after coming out of the pit and having to come to terms with all the physical and mental changes in his life to the point where he’s like. barely hanging on without shoving a gun in his mouth every other day. and yet he still pushes himself to be damian’s protector/big brother despite Clearly Being Unstable and falling apart on an almost constant basis, and i think there’s the opportunity for damian to love jason and sort of assign himself the role as jason’s mental health carer, because all they have is each other and he cant stand seeing his brother hurt himself the way jason constantly is. i think it would be horrendously damaging for damian to develop that kind of attachment and sense of care for jason in that state because i can imagine it making him a supremely paranoid and anxious child—constantly worried to take his eyes off jason or to fuck up and miss a sign before jason has some kind of episode, and i think that would get infinitely Worse in gotham because not only are they separated and forced to pretend they don’t know each other so damian cannot attempt to ‘care’ for jason as much, but also because as the new robin he then has to watch as the person he’s most scared to see get hurt proceeds to publicly spiral down a path of self destruction as the red hood while damian’s own new family attempts to take him down.

i think it would be fucking fascinating to look into a world like that because it’s a horrible bond that is objectively neither jason nor damian’s fault—they were both forced together under fucked up circumstances, jason isn’t mentally well enough to physically keep damian away from him to protect him from his own ill mental health, and damian is too young to truly take up any kind of caring role without it impacting his mental health and growth very negatively, and the only people who are aware of the bond (the league) actively encourage that self-destructive co-dependance because it means they’re easier to control and use both as a duo and apart.

i specifically think i would wanna focus with jason on body dysmorphia and potential disordered eating behaviour rooted in his incapability to accept and be ok with the massive changes to his body post lazarus pit (something i’ve seen in fics a few times but i think is sorely under-explored, because that man in a very short period of time went from a malnourished kid wearing a little robin suit feeling all safe, loved and protected by his guardian, to having that same little kid mind but being a massive tank of a person whose entire way of interacting with the world around him is shifted upwards about two feet, and now he’s all big and he has to protect himself because nobody sees him as a child anymore. that shit SO could have fucked him up), as well as just overall mental instability and suicidal ideation/habits,

and with damian i would want to focus on Deep levels of anxiety, not just towards jason but in general, because i think having such an important sibling/guardian figure in his life with such obvious disordered habits as a child Would fuck damian up, and i can imagine him developing intense paranoia around not just jason’s mental issues but the concept of anybody else he cares about having similar habits/signs, even if those signs aren’t because of the potential issues that damian instinctively correlates with jason’s mental instability.

like, i can imagine him getting weirdly obsessive about tim eating better at breakfast and when tim tells him to shove off because he just wants a coffee and a handful of grapes not an entire meal, he spirals into a panic attack because in his mind he’s remembering the months at the league where jason would refuse to eat at all and damian would be forced to watch him waste away, getting weaker and weaker until eventually his heart stops and damian as a child had to watch his protector ruin himself to the point of collapse and having to be put back in the lazarus pit just to get his heart beating again, and in damian’s traumatised mind he sees tim not wanting to eat a proper meal on a random tuesday bcs he’s in a rush as a sign that damian is eventually going to be forced to watch tim destroy himself the same way jason used to. i can imagine him not sleeping and pushing himself to stay awake to the point of passing out because bruce gets stuck on a case and decides to pull a couple late nights working on it, refusing damian’s request that he go rest up. bruce is just trying to grind and solve the case the same way he always has because he’s kinda nocturnal at this point, but damian remembers when jason would get obsessive and angry about things and manically stay up for days on end, and damian would always try to keep an eye on him until he couldn’t keep himself awake any longer and would fall asleep, leaving jason unsupervised. 9 times out of 10 when damian would wake up it would be to find out jason had hurt himself in some way, and damian would think himself responsible, so he thinks if he leaves bruce alone at night to work then something bad will happen, and he just completely ruins his own energy levels trying to keep up.

i can see a fascinatingly tragic dynamic between the two unraveling as jason sets himself up as the red hood in crime alley, because jason’s on his own with nobody to keep him alive for the first time since he was resurrected, and sure he has a reason to stay alive now, he has his mission; but he’s still fucked up in the head and he is not taking care of himself—and his feud with the bats isn’t helping. i can see him getting worse and worse as he realises nobody is going to make him eat, nobody is going to stitch him up, and nobody is going to shove him back in the pit if he goes too far; and i can see him rapidly decaying to the point where he’s hanging by a THREAD, barely trying to live through patrol, not paying attention to any aspect of self care and just overall completely self destructing because the league wasn’t using him anymore and he believes that damian doesn’t need him around anymore because he has the waynes. meanwhile the bats are scrambling trying to keep damian together because he seems 3 seconds away from a panic attack at any given moment and they can’t figure out why—damian still thinks it’s too important to jason for his identity to remain a secret and he’s absolutely terrified that jason losing that anonymity will be the thing that pushes him over the edge. damian’s so focused on how he’s supposed to ‘take care’ of jason while not being with him all the time that he’s not even recognising himself accidentally slipping down his own dangerous path, and it wouldn’t be until one of them does accidentally step over the line and identities are revealed that the forced enmeshment of jason and damian by the league is revealed and the bats start to figure out how badly jason is doing and how badly it’s affected damian over the years, at which point they have to figure out a way to both try and keep the two safe while attempting to delicately untie the emotional barbed wire connecting and destroying the two at the same time.

anyway i just think it would be fascinating to look into that potential darker aspect to damian and jason being co-dependant in the league, and write a story about jason mentally unraveling as the red hood while damian does the same in wayne manor and the rest of the bats literally have no idea what’s going on until it crosses the line into tragic and potentially unfixable. it would just be such a saddening relationship to deep dive into and as much as i severely doubt i’ll ever write something to the extent that i’d eventually like to, it is SO cool to think about.

[papayafromtv]

do you think you'd ever write anything about Jason & Tim? i love ur take on Damien & Jason being weird and codependent; the idea of Jason almost killing Tim and then doing a complete 180 and getting Weird About Tim Being Safe and Tim, being Tim, getting Weird About Jason In General is really fucking funny and itd be interesting to see ur take on it, given u write such good Weird Dynamics with Jason & Damien

zero pressure to do it, this is not a request, just general curiosity!! i love ur stuff!!

angngjsjdjg tysm!! i actually have written multiple fics centred on jason and tim, but i definitely wanna do more. im always torn between dynamics for those two because i adore the two middle kids of the family being besties and having that antagonistic/twin-like relationship, but at the same time i ADORE fanboy tim idolising jason and jason just being slightly weirded out by tim because he knows full fucking well that he is not somebody who should be idolised and cannot fathom why tim wont leave him alone. they should have the dynamic where tim is like the overly loving/energetic kid and jason is the family dog that tim’s obsessed with, so every time there’s a family get together jason is skittering around dick and damian to get away from tim while damian just sighs and lets jason press into his side and dick tries to tell him that tim just looks up to him and he needs to stop being scared of people actually thinking he’s a good older brother.

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 17 (masterpost here)

*Alfred walking into the dining room to see Jason hunched over a laptop with Dick and Tim crowded around his shoulders*

Dick, pointing at the screen: ok, ok- that one's mine, follow that one. and then Tim; you need to follow everybody but Bruce.

Tim: *tapping at his phone*

Jason: Tim, what's your handle?

Tim: *still tapping* hm? oh- just 'real tim drake' with capitalisation on all the words.

Dick: what are you doing?

Tim: i have access to the WE twitter account, so i'm gonna follow Jason from it to see if i can fast-track his checkmark.

Alfred, narrowing his eyes at them: what are you three doing?

Jason, grinning brightly at him: oh, hey Alfie! we're just setting up my social media, that's all.

Alfred:

Alfred: didn't your father specifically warn you not to attempt to put Master Jason on public social media so soon after his reintroduction to the public?

Dick, without blinking: yup.

Tim: we're gonna have Jason start a public war with B through the WE account.

Dick, looking back at the laptop: are you tweeting already?

Jason: yeah. 'they tried to silence me for speaking the truth when i was a child, and i made it back just fine. i'm not gonna give up on spreading awareness now; you all deserve to know the truth.' just to get everybody interested.

Tim: what are you even gonna say? i'll re-tweet it from my account and the WE one.

Jason: i dunno, the whole point is just to spread chaos and make B look bad, right?

Dick: maybe just something weird to start off with; get everybody's attention.

Jason, lighting up: ohmygod i have it-!

*keyboard tapping*

Tim, reading out from the screen: 'Bruce had to send me out the country to silence me because when i was fourteen i walked in on him and Lex Luthor naked while Bruce licked the top of Lexes bald head'.

Dick: JASO- *falls to the floor, wheezing*

Tim, desperately trying to hold back laughter: oh my god,

Alfred: *starting to get concerned*

Jason: this way i can piss off Bruce and get Lex Luthor involved. genius, right?

Dick: *crying*

Tim: WAIT OH MY GOD--i have to respond from the WE account pretending to be Bruce.

Jason, clapping: YES,

Tim: i'm gonna say something like 'i just let you back into the country, why are you doing this to me?'

Jason, cackling: YES. man, i love being alive again,

Alfred, flatly: boys, i don't think this is a very good- *resigned* oh who am i kidding, you aren't my legal responsibility,

Alfred: tea, anybody?

Dick, from the floor: i'm gonna tweet that i'm so proud of my little brother for outliving his NDA requirements and then @ you.

Alfred:

Alfred: *heavy sigh*

[papayafromtv]

You watch 'Project Hail Mary' yet?

yeah. jason with bizarro.

[papayafromtv]

i've been binging your writing and im hooked omg. i rlly want to read more of the batfam (esp) jason and damian in the loa, what's your required reading list for the actual dc comics?

dignriajfjg i would never have a required reading list of canon material ESPECIALLY in relation to the stuff i make up, i promise you everything i say is most likely ooc or complete bullshit because i treat these characters like my personal barbie dolls just mindlessly spinnin around in my head on a constant basis. but if you’re looking for recs based on what i read, i read whatever i can physically get my hands on because i prefer reading comics and mangas in person rather than online, and i enjoy them less because i think they’re objectively good and i agree with all the choices canon dc writers make, and more because. fuck it, content is content. just because the storyline isn’t what i’d look for in a fic doesn’t mean the dialogue isn’t entertaining.

with that in mind i very much enjoy the new 52 red hood comics, and the red hood and arsenal series. robins being robin was cool, and i REALLY liked juni ba’s ‘the boy wonder’ (special mention bcs that was a birthday gift from my amazon wishlist that touched my heart) i have read it like three times. honestly anything that has adult nightwing and red hood interacting is always funny but specifically their dynamic in Nightwing: brothers in blood will always be fucking hysterical to me. the robin war and we are robin books were very good, and HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT GOTHAM WAR. THE BATMAN/CATWOMAN GOTHAM WAR WAS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE RUNS the family humor/angst in it was very enjoyable to me, jason got really fucked up and it gave us the eternally great ‘im a distraction!’ panel. also—not completely batfamily centric so might be a weird pull? i quite liked the dawn of dc knight terrors stuff. that’s all i can directly name off the top of my head rn (i used to just read random borrowed comics without bothering to pay attention to the rest of the run because apparently i have no issue with having no fucking context if the pictures are cool and the characters are sarcastic enough) so uh, i hope if you are looking for recs that there’s something you enjoy in there!

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 75 (masterpost here)

*foil cracking, chewing noises*

Jason: -no, because B didn't take me in specifically because he wanted me to be Robin. that came after. pass me the sauce, Day. thanks.

Tim: i thought you met him when he was Batman though?

Jason: yeah i met him when he was Batman, but he didn't take me home because he wanted a new Robin, he took me in because i was homeless, i stole his tires, called him a fucktart to his face, and then kneecapped him with a tire-iron.

Dick, observationally: i'm pretty sure he took you in as some sort of version of self harm.

Tim: *snort*

Jason, muffled: mm- 'okes on him though, cause i turned out to be a complete introvert.

Dick: yeah i don't think he expected the violent street kid to love homework so much.

Damian: so how did the transition to being Robin happen? he allowed Grayson to join him to get closure after his parents' death, correct? what led him to allow you to take up the mantle?

*slurping through a straw*

Jason: well, i think his intentions were good when he first decided to take me in, because i asked if i'd be the next Robin and he told me i wasn't being adopted just so he could have a partner, and Robin was out of the question. i was just happy to live in a mansion, so i let it be.

Dick: you let it be? he told me you basically forced him to let you have the mask.

Jason: *laughs* well he would, wouldn't he? he's too embarrassed about how petty he was being.

Tim: what was petty about it?

Jason: *snort* ok, but Dick you can't be an ass about it- it was like a decade ago.

Dick, with anticipatory annoyance: why-? *pause* oh shut up.

Jason: um, *slight snicker* yeah, so, admittedly he did just give me the mantle to slightly piss you off a bit,

Dick, instantly: I FUCKING KNEW IT- OH MY GOD.

*smacking sound, harsh footsteps*

Damian: oh, now he's pacing.

Dick: ALL THESE FUCKIN' YEARS OF 'IT WASN'T PERSONAL, DICK, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH UPSETTING YOU, DICK, IT WAS JASON THAT WANTED IT, DICK-'

Jason: *wheezing* ok- OK but in his defence, i did also want it a lot-!

Dick: YOU SAID YOU'D LET IT GO!

Jason: w- yeah, i did, and then i met you.

*silence*

Dick, abruptly quiet: i was not that bad.

Jason, indignant: YOU- YOU-

Tim, absently: it's like dinner and a show,

Damian: i know right?

Jason: -YOU MET ME FOR THE FIRST TIME, LOOKED ME UP AND DOWN LIKE I WAS ONE OF THE FUCKING PEDOPHILES ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR,

Dick: I WAS NOT- *breaks into a wheeze*

Jason: -PROCEEDED TO TELL BRUCE WITHOUT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING ME, 'at least when you took me in the people of Gotham could understand it, i was adorable; what the fuck is this thing?'

Dick: *silent wheezing*

Tim: fuck off, were you actually that mean?

Dick: *gasping* i-

Jason: YES HE WAS. anybody in my position would have met that little prick and instantly decided to steal his old job, i refuse to take criticism on the matter!

Damian: and Father went along with that?

Jason: mm- not at first. but then he and B got into an argument where Dick stole Bruce's work laptop because 'he wasn't using it, so it was up for grabs' and i think B just wanted to get back at him by stealing something of his instead.

Dick: -completely unproportionate response, by the way.

Jason: no, but neither was seeing Bruce's calvin klein underwear modelling campaign and instantly creating the Discowing suit to 'show him what it felt like when your family member acts like an attention seeking whore', so you're both as bad as each other.

Tim: *aghast* IS THAT ACTUALLY WHY YOU DID THAT?!?

Dick: i- *breaks into wheezes again*

Damian: you know, considering everybody claims being Robin is so 'magical', the story of its origins and pathway through life sure is covered in a lot of spiteful bullshit.

Jason: yeah, well, that's just the family business at this point, isn't it? now pass me that burrito, if Dick wont finish it then i fucking will.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 74 (masterpost here)

Jason: *over the sound of a motorcycle speeding* -swear to god, this bitch looks me dead in the eyes, and i'm thinking 'man i'm about to get clocked aren't i?'

Dick, indignant: Hood, you can't- *breathy laugh* you can't tell somebody to their face that their child looks like the 'do the roar' kid from Shrek!

Jason, still speeding: i can if it's true. anyway, she didn't clock me but she did tell me she was gonna report me to the HOA, so i was like, fuck man not this shit again,

Dick: *cackling*

Tim: they're like your version of the galactic empire, huh?

Jason: at this point, yeah. anyway i told her not to, and that we should just-

*tires screeching*

Jason: wHAT THE FUCK IS THAT- OHHOLYSHITFUCK-

*large crash* *burst of static* *silence*

Dick: ...Hood? fuck- HOOD?

Tim, casually: ope, there he goes.

Dick, panicking: FUCK. Hood, status? Hood!? shit, who's closest to Crime Alley?

Damian: uh- i am, i think, but i don't think Hood is hurt.

Dick: what? DID YOU NOT HEAR-?!?

Damian: i know; but Red isn't worried so obviously he's fine.

Dick: HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE KNOW, HE'S IN DIAMOND DISTRICT TONIGHT!?

Tim, absently: oh yeah Hood's fine, he probably just broke his com or something.

Damian: see? his sense would have gone off.

Dick: ...his 'sense'?

Damian: Red Robin has a special Hood-sense that tells him when Akhi is in danger.

Tim: hm- um, yeah. i got exposed to a magical artifact and now i'm connected to Hood mentally.

*a beat*

Dick: what.

Damian: Hood has text me. 'somebody shot a firework at my bike and it scared me, i broke my com in the crash, tell everyone i'm not dead'. ...i'm gonna go see if he needs help.

*disconnecting ping*

*silence*

Dick, muttering: 'a firework scared me' it's like working with a fucking border collie.

Tim: *snort* i mean at least he's alive?

Dick: yeah- ok, you do not have a fucking magical connection to Jason.

Tim, amused: yeah, nah i don't.

Dick: so what the fuck is he on about?

Tim, without missing a beat: oh we've synched our fitbits to compete in weekly step-counts, so if his heartbeat gets too elevated or stops completely i'd get an alert.

*a beat*

Dick: so why does Damian-?

Tim: we just thought it was funny if he thought i was magical.

[papayafromtv]

every now and then i remember how funny the lego batman Dick Grayson adoption story was. like, Dick was just a fanboy in an orphanage who decided it would be cool if Bruce Wayne was his dad, so when he met Bruce he straight up just asked if Bruce would adopt him, and Bruce wasn't listening to a word this kid was saying because he was distracted, so he just assumed Dick wanted an autograph and signed the adoption documents in Dick's hands, and then he just got in his car and drove off. Alfred had to be the one to go back and get him, just sighing as he opened the car door like 'well, i guess it's legal now, you better get in'. like that's gotta be top ten funniest fucking ways for Bruce to adopt a kid. i think that method should be used more, and i personally think it should be used by Tim.

like- fanboy/stalker child Timothy Drake; knows his parents suck and he decides he wants a new dad. and who would be fucking better than the man he knows for a fact to be Batman?! i want Tim to straight-faced no fear just march up to Bruce during some kind of event with guardianship papers he's already forged his parents signature on, deciding to face-to-face randomly ask this man to be his new dad.

Bruce is not paying attention to anything this kid says, by the way. Bruce is trying to leave the event because Jason's with him and he wants the kid to get an early night before school the next morning. there's press and people asking for pictures swarming the street between him and his car. it's too loud, he's got Jason clinging to his hand and trying to keep up from behind, and there's so many people clamouring for his attention that when this little kid somehow manages to slip up to his side, paper and pen in hand, that he vaguely remembers as one of the kids in his neighbourhood, Bruce just quickly scrawls his signature where the kid points and then tries to shove the paparazzi back again.

Jason's the only one who notices, having tuned out all the other visual and audio mess because he trusted Bruce to handle it. when he sees the glee on Tim's face his hand slips from Bruce, and while the man steps away to demand everybody clear a pathway to his car for him and his kid, he leans over and actually reads what Bruce just signed.

he looks at the paper. he looks at Tim. he looks at the paper.

it's genuinely the funniest fuck up he's ever seen the man do. he visibly has to hold back laughter as he claps Tim on the shoulder and solemnly declares, "welcome to the family, weirdo." before Bruce reaches back to grab him by the sleeve and tug him away again.

Tim goes home to pack his bags and then smugly shows up at Wayne Manor the next day, where Jason lets him in and shows him to one of the empty bedrooms. Alfred spots them and stops for a minute, wondering if this is something he should be involved in. then the kettle goes off and he figures it's not his problem. Bruce does not clock that there is another person unpacking and starting to live in his house until Tim sits next to him at the dinner table and no-shame starts referring to him as dad while Jason gives him the most shit-eating grin imaginable.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 73 (masterpost here)

Damian: was he not- i mean i know he wasn't fatherly, but was he not strict when you two were younger?

Dick: *loud laughing* oh, man, not even close-!

Jason: yeah, he really wasn't- i mean, he tried to be on occasion i guess; but it wasn't really parental strictness more than it was just being harsh and bitter.

Tim: so B really didn't try at all at first, huh?

Jason: he didn't- ok, honestly? my personal theory is that he didn't know he had kids until after i died.

Dick: *laughter turns to wheezes* wHAT?

Jason: no- *wheeze* shut up, hear me out, *cackles*

Tim, audibly amused: what the fuck does that even mean--like you think he forgot he adopted you both?

Jason: no, no- i just think he didn't understand the correlation between adoption and actually being in charge.

Damian: you think that in his mind it was a one time thing? like 'oh, adopting kids? yeah i did that in the past, fun night'.

Tim: *wheeze*

Jason: y-*snort*-yeah, you get it.

Dick: SO WAIT- *deep breath* so you- so you think that for Bruce it was like he had no idea until after you died, at which point he was panicking looking around like 'FUCK A CHILD IS DEAD, SOMEBODY CALL HIS PARENT- ooooh, i get it now,'

Tim: *loud uncontrollable cackling*

Jason, also fighting through wheezes: no i- *choke* no, i mean like- i think he didn't really understand that he was supposed to be a parent in all the senses rather than just the legal. i think you were too happy with every non-parent-like decision he made, and i was too independent, so he thought we were all just chill living in each other's spaces.

Dick: *wheeze* he thought- he thought that Dad was just a title, like Mr or Mrs,

Damian: -like when you buy a two foot square of land online so you can legally be called a lord.

Dick: *cackling* tHAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS-

Jason: yeah, yeah- and then i died and Tim fuckin' showed up, and i have to imagine he was just white-knuckling it in the Batcave looking at him like 'god, i really need to lock the fuck in with this guy',

Tim and Dick: *start crying*

Damian: you think- *snort* so finding Drake was Father internally sighing and going 'ok, time to grind i guess'?

Jason: exac- *wheeze*

*connecting ping*

Bruce: boys, it's-

*a pause* *breathless laughter*

Bruce: i don't even want to know what's so funny this time. i'm just here to call Robin home; it's almost three, i want you to come back to the cave with me so you can get some sleep before your exam at school tomorrow.

Damian, disgruntled: *sigh* yeah yeah, on my way.

Dick, weeping, tone high-pitched: he's locking in-

Tim and Jason: *fucking lose it again*

[papayafromtv]

i do love the concept of Damian being a really sheltered cult-baby that was only let out to train while he was in the League of Assassins, but i also have to say that the complete opposite is very good too, specifically if it's because Jason and him got attached to each other and so Talia couldn't separate them whenever Jason went off on missions/trips. i think it would be funny if Damian has literally been fucking everywhere, and Bruce and the others don't realise how diverse his childhood was until they ask to see baby photos and Damian returns a day later with a legitimate van's worth of boxes filled with an insane amount of photos, because Jason took photos everywhere Damian went and made sure to keep every single one.

i want it to be like fucking. Forrest Gump levels of insane connections. there's an old news report about some kind of incident like an attempted attack during a winter Olympics game held in Beijing years ago, and Damian will casually walk by like 'oh yes, i remember that game. Todd made me take a photo holding the torch after he stopped the attackers.' and then everybody has to just stare while he walks off. he's spotted briefly in the background of a nature documentary when a specialist visits a tribe in the amazon rainforest, and Tim watching it genuinely thinks he's seeing things until he shows Damian and the kid casually goes 'yeah Todd trained with the leader of their tribe, so we were there for about nine weeks. i have a box of old polaroid's taken during the stay if you wish to see them?'. Tim is losing his mind. Bruce finds an old photo of toddler-Damian in the Fortress of Solitude playing with Krypto and he's about to go into cardiac arrest about Clark lying to him until Damian tells him 'yes, Jason worked alongside Kara as the Red Hood on multiple occasions, and she always had us meet her in the Fortress of Solitude when Superman was out.'

essentially, i think Jason should have been here there and fucking everywhere while working under the League of Assassins, and i want Damian to have crazy baby photos because of it. i know he's like, 14 at most, but i still want to give him insane dad-lore.

[papayafromtv]

I adore your batfam comm series, it's so fucking funny, thank you so much for sharing it!! I was wondering if I could use some of your headcanons in a fic I'm writing and posting in AO3? 🥺 I would, of course, say that I borrowed them from you!!

tysm!! and yeah of course you can!!!!! have fun and create whatever the fuck you want im so happy i inspired you <3333

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 72 (masterpost here)

*faint shuffling noises*

Damian: ...like this?

Faint male voice: you gotta flick your wrist a little more,

Damian: oh- like that?

Faint male voice: there you go,

*connecting ping*

Tim: yo, Robin, you on your own tonight? i'm bored, come get waffles with me.

Damian: uh- sure, can Clarance come?

Tim: if that's the name of another mutant animal you're trying to tame, no.

Damian: no, the magician. say hi to Red Robin, Clarance.

Faint male voice: oh- uh, *awkward throat clear* um, hi, Red Robin.

Tim: wait wait wait- are you with that stage magician Hood has a vendetta against? the one he thinks is a meta because he can't figure out how he does his card tricks?

Damian: yeah. Hood has dragged him into our shit so much we've gotten to know each other.

*silence*

Tim: so you guys just... hang out? the two of you?

Damian: he's a decent guy when you get to know him. he volunteers at one of the animal shelters in the Narrows.

Tim: you've made friends with a civilian that Hood calls his 'greatest enemy'?

Damian, tired: Hood has about twelve civilian 'greatest enemies'. Clarance is fine, Hood just can't stand the fact that he has honour and wont snitch on how he does his tricks.

Faint male voice: yeah- i really don't understand why he keeps buying tickets to my shows if he knows he doesn't like the magic. like, that's the whole point...

Damian, without missing a beat: his version of self harm.

Tim: *abrupt snort*

Faint male voice: well he keeps tying me up and talking about needing to 'register me' with some sort of bat-laptop or something. maybe if you just register me like he says, then he'll feel better about me?

Tim, amused: oh my god, no, why is this man actually really sweet?

Damian: no, Clarance, Hood makes that up. we don't 'register' metas unless they're active rogues terrorising the city on a monthly basis. he just likes to spout bullshit when he's annoyed.

Faint male voice: oh...

Damian: worry not, he will get over himself in a few months when somebody else pisses him off and he makes enemies with them. for now, would you like to join me and Red Robin for waffles?

Faint male voice: uh... i mean, if Red Robin is ok with it then i guess i am kinda hungry?

Tim: i'll meet you at the usual place. the fuck do you guys even do when you hang out together?

Damian: oh, i'm making him teach me his card tricks so i can use them on Hood whenever he pisses me off.

*silence*

Tim, choking up: god- man, Robin, i fucking love you.

Damian: and that's why you're paying for the waffles.

[papayafromtv]

I just read it's a them thing without realizing it was you who wrote it, and I was super curious who the author may be. Once I saw it was you I immediately went "Ah now I get it, that makes so much sense" simply because you're the only author who's been able to make me die of laughter out loud every time I read your fics. I love everything you write and I hope you never get tired of writing. :)

FNRNDJJGNGJSJWTY TY TYSM i feel like im not overly distinctive of a writer however it will always be funny when somebody finds me through bhna while knowing me on tumblr/vice versa. i imagine it’s a bit of a culture shock