ask swag oneler

Here I am, the successful inventor of the world-famous thneed! You may call me Swone. You're welcome to ask anything you like. There may be some odd rumors about my eating habits...but I'll let you draw your own conclusions. #swoneler

[ask-swag-oneler]

Swone's Organized Blog Archive Session 1 by Owl, all others by me, Junior

Swone is an askblog that ran from 2013-2018. Current posts are either incomplete in-character posts, or out-of-character posts by moderator to finish telling Swone’s story.

[ask-swag-oneler]

Happy late birthday.

Oh, jeez. Wow. This is uh--unexpected. But...thanks. Um. Nice to meet you, also?

[ask-swag-oneler]

happy belated birthday! did you do anything special for the big four-oh?

Yes! I laid on my kitchen floor for six hours and stared, paralyzed, at the ceiling fan, thinking about the inevitability of death.

Then I ordered take-out.

[ask-swag-oneler]

YOURE 40 NOW DAMN YOURE UNC

Yes. I'm forty now. I'm so...

University...of. North....Carolina?

Sure.

[ask-swag-oneler]

I feel like you would be the type of person to say these:

-pip pip cheerio

-HARDERRRR~ (as a joke ofc)

-Wgat.

-PERFECT!!!

Uh. No. Four out of four wrong. See me after class.

[ask-swag-oneler]

I know the answers probably no, so it's useless asking, but would Swone ever have a chance of coming back or having some sort of rerun in a way?

"Rerun?" Like I'm some kind of late-night broadcast? I think "rerun" is just what you get when you go back over my blog. If you really want to, that is. I wouldn't.

I also can't "come back," I never left. Still me in this house. Still cooking and cleaning. Still haunted by lurking shadows. Still festering, like a--

Uh...actually. Sorry, I'm being dramatic. Forgive me. I just turned...forty. Last month. Forty years old. It's still sinking in. Nothing like hitting a major decade to rattle you, I guess.

I'm around.

[ask-swag-oneler]

*hands you a plate of lemon cookies and a cup of milk* Welcome back! :)

Now this is more like it. A little welcome party for my ol' weary self. Cheers.

[ask-swag-oneler]

What are you on about. EVEYRONE knows you've got a pesky floater in your right eye! Is it still there? Has your brain learned to suppress it yet?

Oh sure, just go ahead and make my private medical details everybody's business. Some pal you are.

[ask-swag-oneler]

You could really say you didn’t see that ask coming huh?

I'm going to pretend I didn't see this one at all.

[ask-swag-oneler]

I'm surprised you don't have a speech impediment with those teeth. Saying 'th' must be difficult without biting your tongue huh? Did you really think selling 'THneeds' was the best idea?

Why is everyone concerned with my teeth and eyes suddenly? I don't have a speech impediment, but I'll be honest, it took me a long time to practice without injuring my mouth in some way. After this whole experience, I am firmly against having razor sharp teeth. I do not recommend it.

[ask-swag-oneler]

It's time for your yearly eye exam, Swone.

What? Why?? My eyes are fine. I can see perfectly. Maybe you should have your eyes examined for...uh. Not being able to see that I can see perfectly.

[ask-swag-oneler]

Can we have a tour of your house? Is it a factory?

I suppose, if you're really interested. It's not a factory, or anything, just a house.

I mentioned before, I, uh. Live apart from the factory. Work continues without me.

Here's the kitchen, you may be familiar.

The back door there leads to a little hallway, like a, whachamacallit. An entryway? It has the entrance to the basement, and then it goes out to my backyard.

It's freezing, so. Just take my word for it.

If you take my word on anything, that is.

Lessee. Uh. There's the living room, the dining room. The front door.

There's a little half bathroom next to the front door too, which is typical of New England weirdness. Don't ask me why.

Uh. I suppose we could go upstairs.

There's not much to see, but, y'know. It's part of the house. Exciting, right?

Sooo, here's the upstairs hall.

There's the actual bathroom, through there, with a tub and stuff. Besides that, just closets out here. There's like an awkwardly shaped closet every 3 feet. Another weird New England thing.

Not sure what's meant to be kept in them, but when I moved in there was like an old rug and some dusty wires, so those are...still in there. Also parts from a broken vacuum. Otherwise they're empty. I don't have too much stuff to store outside of my office.

Speaking of which: the office.

Oh, uhm, also.

We're not going in my bedroom. But that's up here too.

Anyway, ta-daa, the upstairs office.

I don't tend to actually use it as a place to work. I just keep old paperwork and clothes. Just old factory plans, some thneed desi--OH!

Oh-oh-oh! Wait, you'll like this!

I know I have it somewhere! Hang on. I definitely still--Ah! Yes, yes! Here it is.

Hoo-hoo, a famous Swag-Oneler thneed. Still all folded up in it's collector's box. I keep forgetting this is around.

God, I still get a little jittery looking at this. This one was just when we did the re-brand, but we didn't really change much about the original design from waayyy back when, just little tweaks for quality.

I was so nervous around this time, I couldn't even pay attention to much of what the marketing department actually did with the packaging. I'm not even sure if this is the final version that got distributed to the retail outlets, probably just a mock-up that I just vaguely nodded at, haha.

You wanna know the best thing about new thneeds? The smell. This one isn't new, but it definitely still has it.

I remember people looking at me weird when I would visit the Textile Processing department and just stick my face into bins of harvested truffula. I couldn't help it.

It's like. I don't even know if I could properly describe it.

It's so...it smells like...something that's been warmed by the sun just moments before you picked it up. Even though it's been in a cold, dusty closet this whole time.

That's not even a smell, is it? It's not warm to the touch, it just...smells warm? Kinda. I'm not doing it justice at all.

It's so fresh, and familiar, and, cozy, and...well, you get the idea. I love these things. Maybe it's just a onceler predilection. Maybe not, I dunno.

Either way, it takes me back. Way back.

Hmm. Well.

I should probably get back downstairs.

Thanks for this, though.

[ask-swag-oneler]

How’re you doing buddy? I just got caught up with your blog and wanted to make sure you were still ok

I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking, I appreciate it.

Things have been same-old, same-old around here, I guess. A pretty boring answer, I know. My ankle feels better, though.

And uh, I haven't been arrested. That's notable.

[truffulajam]

Can I just say how much I love Swone!? His character is so interesting and there’s so much mystery and unanswered questions. I would love to get his whole story someday. Hope youre having a great day!

this ask was sent three whole years ago oh my gosh I'm sorry I didn't log in and see it sooner

honestly I've been kind of figuring out how to post the ending of swone's story

I had to finally perma-shelve him. i had so many ideas and plans and dramatic things in store, but as much as i love storytelling and goofing around with doodles, i learned over time that i have a very complicated relationship with drawing that has deep roots in my mental health. i've had to shelve a lot of projects in order to refocus and figure out how i can manage that. i'm rediscovering slowly what kind of an artist i am/want to be, and that meant putting aside the stress of updating what was basically a webcomic.

i still feel like so many things were left unanswered and a lot of people were so involved in swone's story, I do personally want to make some sort of update that will bring closure to that. i can't say it is a well-written ending, or even a well-written story overall. its easier to flash little hints of something in a dramatic way and have people draw their own conclusions about the story you're telling, so finally revealing everything behind the curtain is bound to be a little disappointing. but i hope i can do it in a way that people still find at least satisfactory and answers some burning questions.

in short, stay tuned, something will happen soon that will hopefully wrap it all up.

[ask-swag-oneler]

are u still alive

Still alive. Always here.

[ask-swag-oneler]

get a stylus pen you imbecile

I knew it. Smartphones are just glorified PalmPilots. With the pointer pen and everything. You kids wouldn't know what I'm talking about. That's Ye Olde Tech.

[ask-swag-oneler]

Swone Swone bo Bone Banana fanna fo Fone Fee fy mo Mone SWONE!!!!

Your satanic chanting has summoned me from the depths of the kitchen. I will grant one wish but in return I need you to tell me how to operate my smartphone without having to take my glove off every time I need to type something.