Ask Bartimaeus

I am Bartimaeus! I am Sakhr al-Jinni, N'gorso the Mighty, and the Serpent of Silver Plumes! I have rebuilt the walls of Uruk, Karnak, and Prague. I have spoken with--oh, bother, you probably already know all that bit. My current master is a dreadful bore, so I've taken to fiddling with her computer when she's not in. Fussy machines. Anyway. Feel free to ask any questions you'd like. (And you'd better enjoy the feeling. I'm not free to do anything.) (This blog will contain spoilers for all four books in the Bartimaeus Sequence.)

[askbart]

quick, if you had to become a stripper, what would your stripper name be

Araby Swan.

[askbart]

Bart, your kohl is always so perfect.

Thanks, bud. I got a lot of practice doing Ptolemy's because--bless--he was always a disaster at it. 

[askbart]

Ha ha, I can't drive.

[askbart]

My long hiatus had naught to do with me. A very rude and cruel magician trapped me in a beverage container, and of course once it had gone flat, no one would open it to release me! I was veritably drowning in lime soda! The unfortunate bloke who finally opened my prison got a faceful of a rather fiery (completely uncontrollable) belch that, sadly, incinerated him on the spot. There's a moral in there somewhere, and I think it's not to ever put me in a small, dark, vile space against my will. Just a good general rule, I think. Doesn't turn out well for anyone.

[askbart]

What would you do first if you were a marid?

Oh, being a marid doesn't seem like all it's cracked up to be. You've seen a few of them, probably. Their essences are so bloated, they rarely have the capacity for any witty, verbal sparring or even any real indication of a personality. They just cut right to the chase, them. Which I would find awfully boring. 

I'm perfect where I am, thanks. 

[askbart]

Bart, your most recent hairstyle (from the music ask, specifically) reminds me of Mickey Mouse.

There are a handful of very powerful entities that even I would hesitate to go up against, given the extent of their reach and their incalculable advantages. The Mouse and his merry band of corporate lawyers is one of them.1

—-

1I, Bartimaeus of Uruk, have never attempted to capitalize on the names, images, or reputation of The Walt Disney Company, though I am immensely grateful to them for their instrumental work in publishing the accounts of my life in the United States through their subsidiary, Hyperion Books. You chaps are a class act. Really. 

[askbart]

I don't get a chance to sample the current cultural zeitgeist that often, and the music tends to blur together after a while, but I have gotten some truly inspired ideas for spooking my next master, which are positively devilish. 

[askbart]

That's fine. Freedom of the seas and all that. 

But I want to be captain.

[askbart]

((OOC: I was going to answer some question with this sketch, but I don't remember what the question was about or what I was even thinking when I drew this. So: sorry for not updating lately, and here's a sketchy Bart with a rolling pin. Apparently.))

[askjohnmandrake]

[askbart]

Oh, blimey, Natty Boy's got a blog now. 

[askbart]

It was Mandrake, wasn't it? DAMMITTTTTTTT.

[askbart]

[askbart]

[askbart]

Once, during his birthday celebration, Ptolemy had a few wineglasses too many and decided to wander the streets of Alexandria until the sun came up. I tried to get him to call it a night after his skirts came loose, but he didn't seem to mind. So... that was fun.

...

But, honestly, just being with him was always my favorite thing.

[askbart]

how do demons mate? ouo

We do not.

To tell you the truth, the first time I found out about the human concept of mating, I was a bit ... shocked.

I got over it, though.

[askbart]

Can you eat human food? If you can, do you enjoy it?

Urrgggghhh, no. I mean, I could, but it curdles my essence. Far too earthy and meaty and dead. When I eat human food, it's usually a living human - at least they've got a spirit of sorts ripe for the picking.

[askbart]

Speaking of which, a few of you really need to update much more frequently.