Ask Lyss

Since its establishment back in 2012, Ask Lyss has been safe space for anyone to seek advice about anything from love, friendships, self-esteem and mental health issues. Simply click 'Need advice?' and ask, rant, share, cry or vent to Lyss about issues big or small.

[asklyss]

Fighting Friends

Fighting amongst your friendship circle can be difficult, and sometimes the most difficult position is not the aggressor or the victim, but the one stuck in the middle. What do you do if two (or more) of your closest friends are fighting?

Let’s get one thing clear, you can play peacemaker, you can stay out of it and let the chips fall where they may. But please remember these two rules… do not take sides and do not get over involved. Other than that, go for your life! I can give you a personal example of what happened to me when I was trying to play peacemaker, got myself overinvolved and it came back to bite me on the butt. Suddenly I went from someone who had nothing to do with the drama, to losing two friends. If you’re an OG AskLyss fan and you followed my YouTube channel back when I did YouTube for a hot minute, then you remember this story about our much beloved characters Betty and Gerty (obviously fake names to protect the identities of my ex-friends). So here we go: Once upon a time I had two good friends, probably even best friends, who were friends with each other as well. But one of them (Gerty) confided in me that the other (Betty) had been doing some things that upset her. She told me she hated confrontation and asked if I would be able to talk to Betty and let her know that she was doing things that were bothering Gerty. Just a side note, no one forced me to get involved especially since I didn’t have a problem with Betty, but I decided to do it anyway thinking I could open up a line of communication between them. So while what comes next was unfair on me, no one forced me or even made me feel obligated to get involved but I did, and that’s on me.  Back to the story: I then I went off to talk to Betty, telling her that Gerty had some concerns but didn’t want to cause a fight so she asked me to sort it out. Betty was (rightly) confused as to why I was the one relaying the message, and suspicious considering Gerty had never voiced any concerns to Betty’s face before. Betty then told me she’d rather hear it from Gerty instead of a messenger. I thought that I had opened up the line of communication, Betty was going to go speak to Gerty, allowing a space for Gerty to air out her issues. Everyone says their piece and resolve it and move forward, right? Wrong! Betty did go and ask Gerty what’s up, to which (get this ya’ll) Gerty responded that she had absolutely no idea what I was talking about, she had no issue with Gerty and didn’t ask me to speak to her at all! And so, the two did move forward, but they moved forward without me because Gerty had somehow twisted me to seem like the problem. Betty and I hadn’t spoken since then and this happened about 7 years ago, and all of this could’ve been avoided if I had helped out or stayed out.

Now, that’s not to say you can’t help out! You don’t have to throw your hands up and turn a blind eye to your fighting friends. If you think the fight is black and white, where one friend is severely mistreating the other or one friend is clearly at fault, you can step in and voice your opinion and outrage, but speak for yourself! Don’t speak for the other friend, rather support and comfort the other friend. For example, a black and white fight to me would be if one friend assaults, intimidates or threatens the other who has done nothing to retaliate. In that case I would voice my concern and upset to the antagoniser about how they are treating the other friend. That is not meddling. I would also encourage the other friend to stand up for themselves and confront the antagonise, or support that friend. That is also not meddling. Meddling would be to tell the antaganosiser that the other friend is feeling a certain way or said a certain thing. Speak for yourself and no one else. If a fight is more one that you don’t want to get involved with at all, then try to keep the conversation about anything else besides the other friends that they have a problem with, and if they do start bitching, try to nip it in the bud where you can. For example, if they bring up the friend they have a problem with, instead of agreeing with the bitching or changing the subject right away, say something like ‘maybe you should talk to her about this’, or ‘I want to stay friends with both of you I really don’t want to hear you saying nasty things about this person’, or ‘I’m here to listen and support you if you need to vent about how you feel, but nothing’s going to change if you don’t either confront her or choose to part ways with her altogether.’. That way, you’re offering your advice and standing up for the person being bitched about, but you’re also not getting yourself directly involved by choosing sides. If you keep responding to their bitching this way, you may slowly be able to get them to confront their issues or at least stop bitching and do something about their problems with each other. In terms of your own friendship with them, if you find it boring and frustrating to be friends with people who bitch about other people, then tell them! Tell them that when you hang out with them you don’t want to talk about other people, and you’re happy to be of support but you won’t stand for having to listen to them bitch constantly about another person. As a last resort, if what you’re saying is not sinking in, try to steer conversation back to something else when you feel like it’s turning into a bitching sesh, and eventually they’ll get the hint that their bitching is making other people uncomfortable. One thing to remember other than my giant rule of ‘NO MEDDLING’ is that if you want to stay friends with people who are fighting, be cautious not to bitch about one friend when you’re hanging out with the other, just because they are bitching about each other! And

Ultimately, while you can’t force people to resolve their issues, and you should try to support and be there for your friends where you can, you should do the right thing and react the way you’d want someone else to react if they heard someone bitching about you. And remember kids… no meddling!

[asklyss]

Is he into you, or is he just bored?

When I was brainstorming article topics to write about I couldn't help but keep circling back to this one as my first choice. One of my most commonly asked questions from the many years that I've run Ask Lyss is 'How do I know if he really likes me?'. In my years of being single, I too found myself wasting time on guys who were using me to waste their time... if that makes sense. I admire the types of people that don't need to know where a friendship, flirtationship, situationship, whatever-you-want-to-call-it-ship is going and just go with the flow, letting time and fate work it out. But Lord knows that I am not that type of woman. I needed to know and I need to know ASAP! When I spent days, weeks, sometimes even months talking to a guy, all I wanted to know was whether they were into me or just playing with me so I could figure out if whatever we had going on had any sort of future. The sooner I knew they were into me, the sooner I would feel safer and more secure about investing my time, energy and optimism into whatever we had going on. The sooner I found out that I was just a distraction or a shiny new toy to keep him entertained until someone he really liked walked by, the sooner I would know that I could take my time, energy and optimism and invest it into someone who really deserves it. This is particularly relevant in this moment while we’re in the middle of a pandemic that has left so many of us feeling bored and socially isolated. It makes it easy to consciously or unconsciously, start messing around with people’s feeling to fill our boredom and loneliness. So, without further ado, here are the steps I recommend you follow when deciding whether he is into you... or just bored.

1. Think about how often you text.

Now let me make this clear, someone who replies to all your texts within the minute doesn't necessarily mean they are more into you than someone who texts you several times throughout the day. We all have busy lives and he doesn't need to make you feel like you're the centre of his universe, but you do deserve to at least feel like somewhat of a priority. Does he only text you at night or does he text you throughout the day? Does he text you at work when he’s bored in the office or does he text you when he’s with friends and already having fun? When you're having a conversation, does he randomly drop out when he finds something better to do? If he does, 3 words for you: BIG RED FLAG. Think about it this way, you don't expect your best friend to be around you 24/7 and constantly be talking to you. But imagine you and your best friend were having a conversation, and as you're talking about your day they randomly leave the room and start playing videogames. How would that make you feel? Like you've been ditched for something more fun? That's exactly how it looks when he drops off a text randomly. Unless he returns and apologises and explains himself (e.g. I had to go make dinner, I had a phone call to attend to, I had an emergency) then it is another red flag. Also think about whether he randomly drops off the face of the earth for days and then resumes texting you like nothing happened? In my opinion, it’s not fair of him to assume he can just virtually come and go as he pleases... unless of course he’s gone to a remote island with no internet. Even then, I’d expect a note via carrier pigeon or a reply through smoke signal or SOMETHING. Kidding, kidding! But seriously, if he texts you only at night or when he’s drunk or once every few days, consider whether he’s texting you because he wants to or because it’s convenient for him. Again I will stress that he does not have to treat you like the number one priority in his life, but if you don't feel like a priority at all, then my friend, we've got an issue.

2. What types of things do you talk about?

Now what you talk about is y'all's business but all I want to know is is it meaningful or is it just superficial? A guy who is really into you would centre conversations about getting to know you and revealing things about himself so you can get to know him. There's nothing wrong with talking about superficial things from time to time like celebrity gossip, sport, how hot Lyss's latest Instagram selfie is (Look honey I honestly don't blame you!), but if there's no depth to any of your conversations then he may just be using you as a form of entertainment to kill time. Also, gage whether he answers questions you have about him but fails to ask you questions about YOU! When you’re interested in someone, naturally you develop a curiosity about them, and if that curiosity isn’t coming across, he may not be that interested in you.

3. Does he make time to meet with you in person?

I get this is a weird time where most of us are living in states with strict social distancing and lockdown rules, but does he at least make any plans to take you out? This can be one of the biggest giveaways when determining whether or not someone is really into you. Now lots of people, particularly the more shy and introverted types, would feel more comfortable chatting online rather than meeting face to face. But really, my first boyfriend was, self-admittedly, the most introverted, shy, socially anxious man I've ever met. Before me he had never dated, was scared of women, and barely even met face to face with his friends. But after a few weeks of talking to me online, even though we met online, HE was the only pushing to meet up with me even though he knew how uncomfortable and anxious it would make him. So what’s your crush’s excuse? And, if and when they do make plans, consider whether it’s a plan that’s only made because it is convenient for him, or will he go out of his way to make an effort. For example, will he come to pick you up or meet on your side of town, or does he expect you to always come to him. Does he clear up his schedule to see you or is he only meeting you at a bar because it’s near the restaurant that he’s meeting friends at later? Also, try to sense whether he’s making plans with you because he really wants to, or because it will get you off his back. Is he taking you out on a hot date or a pity date?

4. Gut feeling

Yes ok I know some of you will roll your eyes at this one but really, your gut feeling will give you a great sense of whether he’s really into you or just bored. Lots of people ask me if a guy is into them and most of the time I say no, because if the guy really was interested, they would show it and the askers wouldn’t have to ask me in the first place! I think back to any guy that was ever REALLY interested in me, and those guys never left me questioning ‘do they or don’t they?’. And then I think back to the guys that did leave me confused, and none of them ended up in real, healthy relationships. So just think about it, if you’re so confused that you have to gather several different opinions, don’t only ask yourself whether your gut feeling is right, but ask yourself if this guy is even worth your time. Someone who leaves you with a little something to chase is alluring and interesting, but someone who sends so many mixed signals that you feel frustrated and unimportant is a hard no from me. 

I hope these tips helped you figure out whether he’s into you or just bored! Yes there are several factors to consider in making your judgement, but at the end of the day I’m a strong believer in the fact that if a guy is really, truly interested in you and not just bored, they will eventually do anything it takes to make that clear to you. Trust me and my advice, but above all… trust your gut. If you have any further questions or want more personalised advice, ask me here!

Good luck and have an amazing week!

Love, Lyss

[thegoodvybe]

[asklyss]

so its kind of complicated but basically me and a boy exchanged 'i like you's but im the first girl he's properly spoken to and he told me that he definitely likes me but hes not sure if its because im the first girl he's spoken to on a deeper level, and also because he's the kind of guy who looks for the best in people/focuses on the good, he could like anyone (his words). and i feel kinda shitty about it. is he worth my time?

Hi! Ok no offence but who does this guy think he is? If someone turned around to me and was like “I like you!” and followed it up with “but I’m not sure if it’s just because we have nice chats” or “but then again, I see the good in people so basically I could like anyone”... I’d tell him that he can keep his “I like you” and shove it!!! What a hurtful and demeaning thing to say to someone, whether he meant it to be or not! I don’t blame you at all for feeling shitty about it, and I just want to stress this because I want you to understand that what he said was not okay. Is it okay for him to be unsure of how he feels about you? Absolutely. Is it okay for him to be confused and want to take his time to decide where to go from here? Absolutely! But the way he went about it was wrong. Not only that, but you said “he told me that he definitely likes me but he’s not sure....” Umm excuse me but what on earth does that mean?! If he’s ‘not sure’ then how can he say he ‘definitely’ likes you?!  I personally believe he’s not worth your time, but this doesn’t mean you have to cut him off. There’s been times where I’ve dated guys, and I’m thinking of one scumbag in particular, who wasn’t sure about me. Now the reason that he was a scumbag was not because he was unsure. Again, it’s totally okay and reasonable for someone to sort of have feelings for another person. The reason he was a scumbag was because he made me feel as though I was the problem, and made me feel like I had to ‘win him over’. So I tried so hard to prove I’m worthy to date him. I forgave him when he stood me up, and chased him when he was distant. Then as soon as he’d sense I was getting over it and him, he would pursue me relentlessly. Then I’d be sucked into giving him attention, and then he’d stand me up again and the cycle went on for years. What I wished I had done in that situation was set some boundaries and tell him that if he wasn’t interested then we’d both part ways and move on, but if he was, he has to prove it by not standing me up, not changing his mind 4 times a month, and not mess up or else he wouldn’t get another chance with me. I feel like I messed up by having my standards so low that I settled for that type of behaviour. If he knew I wouldn’t settle for a guy who was more up and down then a see-saw, he would’ve made his decision about wanting me or not wanting me a lot sooner and clearer.

So back to your situation... Look, I’ve been putting this guy down but maybe he’s a great guy who’s caring and loving and a great match for you, who’s just going about it the wrong way. Only you can decide if he’s worth your time. If you decide he is, that doesn’t mean you should sit through this rollercoaster and let him keep you dangling until he makes up his mind. You should lay down some boundaries and explain to him that you’re interested (which you’ve already said), and you’d like to see where this goes. Explain to him that you understand if he’s finding it hard to make up his mind right now, but you aren’t going to wait around forever! While he’s deciding, try to keep your distance from him while still remaining friendly, and not try to sway his decision by being extra affectionate or trying to win him over (like I did!). What impression you’re trying to give off is “Yeah I’d like to date you, but also I’m my own person who is going to get on with my life and not wait till you decide I’m worthy of dating”. You could keep your options open and date other guys, or if that doesn’t interest you, you could channel your energy into school, work, friends or self-care. Whatever you do, it’s healthier than focussing your energy on him, knowing he may just throw it back in your face and leave you hurt like I was. By doing this, you don’t really lose anything if he says he’s not interested, because you haven’t been trying hard to get him, rather you’re letting him chase you. If he really is interested in you, he will be scared of seeing you move on and be fine without him, and will pursue you. If he’s not interested, he’ll give up, think you’re not worthy enough to chase (YOU ARE), or keep trying to keep you as an option. Remember, you are way too good to be just an option. You want to be someone’s ONLY option, or not an option at all.  Also remember that if he doesn’t end up pursuing you, it will sting a little because he did sort of lead you on, but at the end of the day it’s better that you know now rather than later. Also, as I said he may be doing this completely unintentionally due to inexperience. That’s NOT an excuse for hurting your feelings but it also means you don’t have to think of him as some evil person. Keep your standards high, your boundaries strict and don’t EVER settle for any guy who toys with your emotions.  Good luck! xx

[asklyss]

Any tips on dealing with feelings of Imposter Syndrome? I don’t know how to convince myself that I’m good at the things I do and I am constantly learning and growing and progressing. I’ve been consciously telling myself affirmations and have been told by many people I know that I’m great. But it all feels like a copout because they’re my friends and loved ones and don’t wanna hurt my feelings. I don’t know how to stop these feelings (or at least control them). They’re weighing me down :(

Hey! Wow interesting question, and I obviously can’t diagnose or treat Imposter Syndrome, but I do have some tips! Applaud your awareness The first tip is such a cliche and you’re going to roll your eyes at me but it’s so true: be proud of yourself for recognising that you have/may have Imposter Syndrome. It sounds like you’re quite aware of the things you think and feel and how these are characteristics of Imposter Syndrome. This is a huge step because it already shows you recognise some thoughts and feelings that may need to be worked on or challenged.

Create your own fact affirmations You say you’ve been telling yourself affirmations and you’ve been told by people that you’re great. These two are amazing, but evidently no matter how positive, they just aren’t working. Why not? Well, just as you said, it feels like a copout. Hearing people say positive things/forcing yourself to repeat positive things are ineffective if you don’t believe them. What I think might be a great idea is to create “fact affirmations”. So what you do is write affirmations like “I’m smart”, “I am capable”, “I am loving” and others that you might hear or say often, and then write down 3 facts next to each one that provide specific evidence for them. So for example next to “I am smart”, you might write: “I got a high distinction in 3 of my classes”, “I figured out how to solve a problem at work”, “I got into university” and so on. If you can’t think of anything, think about why other people said those things. So for example, you write down “I am kind” but you only wrote it because that’s something you hear all the time. Consider why they said those things: “Maybe it’s because they feel I am there for them when they come to me seeking advice, or maybe it was because they notice me sharing my food with them”. That way instead of forcing yourself to believe general and cliched statements, you’ll have hardcore evidence that will help you realise that these affirmations are not just niceties, they’re facts! Be friends with your failures I feel like a lot of people with Imposter Syndrome are really terrified by failure, and I get it, aren’t we all afraid of failure to some extent? But there are so many inspirational stories of businesses, entrepreneurs, athletes, models, scientists, and so many other successful people who have failed a million times before they got to where they are today. Read up on these stories and get inspired by how people use failure to learn, grow and get better! Also, make failure your friend. I have another activity that may help you do this, though it can be a bit confronting so it’s totally up to you if you’re up for it. What I suggest is writing a list of things you failed in, and then writing 3 take-aways: 3 things you learnt from each one that helped you in some positive way. The failures can be small or significant, it’s up to you. So for example: “I failed to get the job I wanted.” And 3 takeaways could be: “I know what interview skills I need to work on for next time”, “I got to practice my interview skills”, and “I was proud of how well I took the rejection.” So you’re not deluding yourself into thinking you’re not going to fail. We ALL fail at things. It’s less about pushing the failure out and pretending it didn’t happen, and more about getting comfortable with failing and seeing it as opportunities to improve and grow as a person. There are other general tips like learning to accept compliments, learning not to compare yourself to others, and speaking to other people who feel the same as you so that you realise that you’re not alone in how you feel. I don’t really have any practical steps on how you can work on other tips because I think they require months and sometimes years of work and practice, but the 3 tips I’ve elaborated on above are the ones that can get you started! Please give them a try and tell me how they worked for you, and maybe we can work together in figuring out how to reevaluate your self-worth and what’s going to help take the weight off a little bit!  Hope to hear from you soon! xx

[asklyss]

My bf of 5 months messaged one of my friends on fb and asked her to hang out behind my back. She told me and it wasn't anything very bad but I dont understand why he did it. I dont know if I trust him now. Should I believe him or am I right to not trust him?

Hey, I love that you’re coming to me for advice, and I’m here for you and ANYONE who asks ANYTHING, but you’re asking me questions you should be asking him and only him. How can I or anyone else know whether you can believe or trust him? You say you don’ t know why he did it, but why don’t you ask HIM, the person who actually did it! This question is a tricky one, and I think you should base your decision on what his intentions were. The possibilities are endless. Maybe he was scared of you because he feels you’re controlling and that he can’t have female friends, maybe he was looking for something in her because he feels like he’s missing it from you (e.g. attention, affection, etc.), maybe he’s a cheater who was trying to hang out and then eventually cheat on you, maybe he genuinely has feelings for her and didn’t know how to tell you, maybe he was just bored and wanted a new friend to hang out with. The possibilities are literally endless and your mind is probably going to jump to the absolute worst case scenario (as is TOTALLY normal). Now NONE of these reasons are excuses for hiding something from you, but if you care about his guy you at least owe it to him to see it from his perspective and understand why he did it.  So sit him down, one on one, and have a chat with him. You need to strike a balance between letting him explain himself but also setting boundaries. If what he did made you feel uneasy, let him know! Maybe he doesn’t realise that what he did came across as shady. Set some boundaries like: “I don’t mind if you want to hang out with my friends, but I’d like to know about it so that we can keep our relationship open and honest.” I really don’t think I, nor ANYONE else, has any right to tell you whether you can trust or believe him. But I want to be as helpful as I can so I’ll give you some things to consider when making your decision:

What were the context of the messages? You said they weren’t that bad. What do you define as ‘not that bad’, and what do you think distinguishes friendly messages to something a little more concerning? Compare these answers to your partner’s, and try to get on the same page.

What were his reasons? As I said before, you need to decipher whether his intentions were innocent or shady.

Has he ever given you a reason to not trust him? If he’s given you other reasons as to why he can’t be believed or trusted, then this might be the straw that broke the camel’s back. If he’s always been trustworthy and forthcoming, then this can be easily something you can work through.

What was his reaction? When you sat him down and talked to him, was he trying his best to listen to you, compromise and understand your point of view, or was he defensive, disrespectful and dismissive?  Do you want to be with this person? Does he want to be with you? I personally think that if you two want to be together, then all trust and hope is not lost. If you want to be with him then no matter how hurt you may feel, you will ultimately know that the right decision is to stay with him and beleive him. And if he really wants to be with you, he will respect the boundaries that you will set with him as mentioned above, and he will do anything in his power not to make you feel this way ever again. Take all of what I said into consideration, sit down and hear him out and take all he’s said into consideration, get some alone time and listen to your gut and take that into consideration, and then decide what you do next. Goodluck xx

[asklyss]

My friend of 11 years has been drifting away. They don’t communicate for example cancelling Facebook event for a birthday without telling invitees why - making them believe that they have done something wrong. They have also stopped putting in effort into the friendship e.g making no effort into wanting to hang out or care about the other person. What should I do? (The “friend” only reconnected with me, because she wanted a lift home one day. Then solid friendship for 2 years even travelling”

Hey! Well that sucks, and it sounds like you have some valid reasons to be concerned. If someone I just became friends with was making the friendship a one-way street, I’d probably not think twice about dropping them as a friend and focusing my energy on friends that value our friendship. But you’ve been friends with this person for 11 years, and you asked me this question instead of straight up dropping them, so obviously there’s some history there. Now, having history with this person doesn’t mean they have a right to treat you this way, but it means you should probably look into why she’s acting this way instead of assuming it’s a personal vendetta towards you. If I were in this situation, I would tell them my concerns, tell them how their lack of effort is making me feel, and tell them specific instances that made me feel bad such as the examples you gave me of the cancelling party and the reconnecting just for a lift instances. That way, instead of being like: “YOU’VE BEEN A BAD FRIEND!!” and making it a confrontational attack that will probably make them angry, upset or defensive, it’s more of an explanation of how you’ve been affected and giving examples so that they can really understand what behaviours are upsetting you. Also, keep in mind that it may be tempting to lash out at them but they may have personal reasons as to why they’ve been acting like this. Maybe they’re upset at you for something you did that you can’t even remember (not an excuse to treat you this way but some people just withdraw to avoid confrontation), or maybe they’re dealing with some personal issues- family problems, mental health issues, etc. Again, not an excuse to treat you badly but some people have different coping mechanisms and this would be quite a common one.  So bottom line is, consider whether this friendship means much to you, and if it does, don’t be afraid to tell her exactly how you feel in a calm, specific way and hear out her reasoning. Give her time afterwards to soak in what you’ve said and make some changes. A couple of months later, consider whether she’s changed. Has she been trying a little harder? Has she been more sensitive to your needs in the friendship? If she hasn’t, reevaluate your friendship with her. You deserve a friend who, when confronted with the facts of how they’ve been upsetting and hurting you, tries hard to avoid ever doing it again, and changing their behaviour so that the friendship becomes a two-way street again. 

I hope this helped! Good luck and let me know how your chat goes! xx

[asklyss]

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[asklyss]

My ex and I broke up over a year ago. Out love was magic but our relationship was a mess. We agreed when we broke up that we were meant to be, but just needed a decent amount of time to grow up and be sure that what we had was special, or just first-love blindness. We haven’t seen each other or spoken in ages, but hooked up last weekend. Even after all this time, I haven’t been able to get over him. And I feel like he want ls me back. Should I give the love of my life a second chance?

Hi! Even if I knew you and him and your relationship inside and out and back to front, I couldn’t tell you if you should give him a second chance. Not only that, but it would not be my place. Don’t ask me, your friends, family or even your most trusted life advisors... because the only one who should decide is you and your ex. That said, while I can’t tell you whether you should or shouldn’t get back with him, I can give you some perspective. Based on your question, there are a few points you need to consider:

1. What was the reason for your break up? You say that you were meant to be but needed time to decide if what you had was special or just first-love blindness. Also you say your love was magic but your relationship was a mess. To me, these are very contradictory statements. If you truly feel that you are meant to be with someone, taking a break from them is pointless, and if your love really is magic then your relationship shouldn’t be a mess. This is NOT to say that if you’re meant to be and if you’re in love that your relationship will be perfect. It’s normal to have ups and downs, fights and arguments, even small moments of doubt. But how is it true love if you guys are willing to break up and go separate ways instead of sitting down together and talking through issues and emotions? Also, I give credit to you for recognising that you both have growing up to do, but why is that something you have to split up to do? It’s not rare for people who are meant to be together to break up and get back together but I feel as though the reasons you did it for are confusing.

2. Are you just missing what you don’t have? I’ve actually been through this a couple of times, where I’ve ended things with a guy and stood by the fact that it was for the best and absolutely the right decision. However, after a couple of weeks/months went by and I started to miss them I began to make excuses for them: “Oh well they were a lot of fun to hang out with”, “the sex was really good”, “I’ve never met someone who made me laugh as hard as they did” and so on. Slowly the negative things they did and the reasons I thought I should end it began to be outweighed by my justification of the good. After you hooked up I’m sure all the emotions came flooding back from love to lust to nostalgia, and this could be clouding your judgement. On the one hand, hooking up could’ve reminded you that there is a certain chemistry and bond between you that shouldn’t be abandoned. On the other hand, it could just make you think that just because you might have a strong sexual chemistry that you should get back together, when there are other signs telling you that you shouldn’t. So yeah... complicated stuff. You need to really think about whether it was just a nice moment in a break up that should still remain a break-up or a moment that reminded you that you should very much be together. If you’re struggling to decide whether the cons of the relationship outweighed the pros, start a good ol-fashioned pros and cons list. Sound’s childish but man it works wonders. Write down all the reasons you and your ex should be together, and all of the reasons it’s better that you stay apart. This list is meant to be for your eyes only, and help you make the decsion much more objectively.

3. What does he think? You need to decide how you feel and what you want, but this is a relationship we’re talking about here. and your exes point of view and feelings should be taken into account. Have a talk to him and see if he’s on the same page as you or a completely different one. Personally, I don’t really understand guys who are ‘not sure’ about a girl. He needs to either be wanting you back and all in, or confident in the decision to break up and move forward. This doesn’t mean that he should cut you off and be happy about the fact that you aren’t together anymore, but it means he’s going to let you live your life and move forward, and you would allow him to do the same. Some people including you may disagree with me here, but I don’t agree with the whole “lets split up and grow and come back together when we’re ready” deal. I get needing space and needing time apart, but otherwise be together or break up because this has just made things messy for both of you. Are you supposed to behave like a single person, are you supposed to sit around and wait for the other person to be ‘ready’ to be in a relationship again, are you supposed to keep in touch or cut each other off?? Who knows! Also, who’s to say that once you to decide to get back into a relationship together that things won’t be just as messy as they were before. This is why communication and sorting through issues together is absolutely key, it actually gets you moving forward together. Chat to him about how you feel, and listen closely and respectfully to how he feels, and then come to a mutual agreement as to where to go from here.

4. Dirty room... clean up or move out? To use an analogy (because we all know how much I love them to illustrate a point), let’s say you and your exes relationship is a room. I don’t know how to describe the room because I’m not into interior design but let’s say its an average sized, clean, cozy room. Over time the room gets messier and messier until one day the room becomes unlivable. You notice the mess and you say “ok something needs to change in this room.” Do you clean up the room or do you move out? In my opinion, if the room were to symbolise you and your ex, it’s a room with some bits of rubbish lying around that can be easily picked up and cleaned, and you and your ex have decided to just move out instead! To me that’s a waste of a room and all those weeks of rent! If your perspective on it is that the room is damaged beyond repair and growing mould, then go ahead and absolutely move out! But, and I could be wrong here, I don’t think it’s beyond repair and it doesn’t sound like you’re too keen on moving out either. What I’m trying to say is that I personally feel as though you two could’ve resolved your relationship through open communication and working through things together, rather than expecting a break up to make you stronger later on. Maybe you two aren’t ready to be back together yet, and maybe you two are better off moving on with your lives even if you’ll always be special to one another. However, if it is true love and you two have something worth fighting for, then fight! Hit him up, express how you feel, outline the issues you both feel need to be addressed and do not quit until you’ve exhausted every single solution in the world to your relationship problems. If you need further couples advice or want to elaborate on anything more, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me again.

Good luck! xx

[thegoodvybe]

[asklyss]

I'm going through a really difficult breakup! Can't eat or sleep! I've been with him for 1.5 years and I've developed an enormous emotional attachment to him and I love him very much. Our relationship has been slightly unstable, we have argued a lot but we have had so many great memories. He broke up with me a few days ago because he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, he never really did. His attachment style is dismissive avoidant which may explain some things. I just want him back.

Hi!I feel for ya sis. I’m about to post a ‘How to deal with a break up’ video soon and I’ve chosen that particular one to be the first topic I address on video for two reasons. The first is that it is one of the most common questions I get asked. But more importantly, the second reason is that I am very passionate about the fact that there is no ‘solution’ to getting over a break up. Yep, none. Yes things like talking about it, writing about it, exercising, eating bucketloads of ice cream, trying to stay busy, getting closure or cutting out all traces of your ex may be incredibly helpful in DEALING with the effects of the breakup, but it’s not a solution. I just wanted to start there so that we could be on the same, realistic page together.

Everything you’ve said to me so far is totally common and normal to be experiencing after a break up but there are two things that struck me that I’d like to discuss with you:

1.    You can’t eat or sleep.Some people after a break up or any other traumatic or stressful event experience loss of appetite or irregular and unhealthy sleeping patterns. But then there are differences between people who are sleeping 6 hours a night instead of 8 and eating fewer meals and portions than normal, and people who are literally developing insomnia and starving themselves to the point of malnutrition. Both cases are unhealthy and alarming but the second example is a potential case of life and death. Since I’m talking to you over a screen and I can only give you advice based on what information you have given me, it’s hard for me to decide whether I should suggest you should just try sleeping techniques or whether you need to actually speak to a professional. I have no idea if you’re eating irregularly here and there, or potentially developing an eating disorder. For that reason, I suggest that you seek out a professional such as a GP or psychologist and look into addressing your sleeping and eating habits so as to prevent anything dangerous occurring to your mind and body.

2.    You want him back.I’m sure after spending a year and a half with a person, you have developed memories, inside jokes, and a love and a bond that is incredibly special and irreplaceable. But you don’t exactly make him sound like boyfriend of the year. In YOUR words: “our relationship has been slightly unstable” “we have argued a lot”, “he didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, he never really did”, “His attachment style is dismissive avoidant” … I’m genuinely curious as to why you want someone like this back. You’re probably thinking “Yes but Lyss that’s the bad side of him, it doesn’t outweigh the good!”. I don’t know you or him or your relationship at all besides what you’ve told me, but I can tell you that there is NOTHING and I mean NOTHING at all that could outweigh the negatives you have mentioned. Sometimes in a relationship, someone’s bad qualities can be justified, like if someone is selfish you can justify that by saying: “well I can see that he makes a real effort to be considerate by buying me flowers when I’m sad or compromising.” Or if partners fight a lot it can be justified by saying “every fight we have we work through it by coming together and talking through our differences” or if someone snores a lot: “Yes he snores a lot but he also looks so cute in his sleep so its ok”. The last one was a joke but you get what I mean. How can you justify wanting to be with someone who has no interest in being in a relationship and has explicitly behaved in ways that show this? How can you justify a relationship in which you’re emotionally expressive and invested in, and are met by a partner who is dismissive avoidant? To me it sounds like a one sided battle, in which you are fighting hard and he has given up. Has he turned his back on you as a person? Probably not. But I’m sorry to say he has turned his back on this relationship. Harsh? Yes. Unfair? Yes. Sad? For sure. But that should make it all the more easier to move on! I really admire you for fighting so hard for a relationship and being so caring and invested, because that’s how much effort a relationship needs. Do not feel embarrassed or stupid for fighting so hard for him and for wanting to get the relationship back. That said, also acknowledge that when someone is giving you all the signs that he is no longer in it and no longer willing to fight for it, that means it’s time to step back and save your love, time and energy on someone who will reciprocate it because you deserve that and more. Have a read here of the tips I’ve given other people on how to deal with a break up because that will make things easier for you, but you won’t truly get over him until you really believe and understand everything I’ve said above.

Good luck, feel free to come back here and talk to me if you’re struggling! Xx

[asklyss]

my crush likes my best friend how do I get over this

Hellooo,Ahh yes I have been here once before and not only is it painful and awkward, but you just can’t help taking it as a personal insult. In this situation it is really common and natural to start thinking “Well if my crush likes my best friend and not me, then clearly my best friend has something I don’t have or is better than me, smarter, funnier, thinnier, curvier, fitter, more confident, more beautiful than I am!” or “Ok my crush likes my best friend, so if I completely compromise everything I am and turn into my best friend then my crush will like me!” OR “My crush is obviously just going after my best friend to make me feel bad or to humiliate me, or maybe even to make me want him more!” As I said, I’ve been in this situation before and I have had all these thoughts pervade my mind at one point or another, However, what all of these thoughts have in common is that they are all incredibly self-destructive and unproductive. What they also have in common is that they are all very selfish. All these thoughts assume that your crush has some secret agenda against you, when in reality it may be as simple as him/her developing feelings for a person who just happens to be your best friend. My love life track record of falling for some of the most questionable humans on the planet (no shade... actually that was totally shade) proves that you can’t control who you fall for and, more importantly, you shouldn’t have to. Your crush is not mean, wrong, spiteful or an asshole for falling for your best friend. So is it completely evil and unfair of you to be jealous and bothered by the situation? Of course not! That being said, you gotta stop looking at it as an attack on you or an indication of your shortcomings, and start looking at it for what it is: a person falling for another person. As I said, not long ago I was in a very similar situation and I’m thinking of releasing a Youtube video addressing this situation because I learnt sooo much from it. Now as you know I don’t sugarcoat anything so I must tell you that yes it was awkward and hard and painful for me and I felt feelings of jealousy so strong that I couldn’t even handle them, but just like most things in life, it got easier with time. The things that made it easier were imagining if my best friend had a crush on someone who liked me, how would she react? Knowing her, she’d never even think of getting in the way or disapproving no matter how much it bothered her... so don’t I owe her the same? Also, I just kept reminding myself that this was about natural feelings of love developing, rather than a ploy against me. Your crush likes your best friend for THEM and not because they are a better version of you like you may believe. Lastly, what helped me was thinking of the fact that knowing my crush wasn’t interested in me saved my time. Once I found out he liked someone else it made me think that pursuing him was a waste of time and, even though it stung, I could move on knowing he must just not be the one for me. 

So just some takeaways:

This is about a person liking another person, not a person trying to hurt and humiliate you.

Don’t punish your crush or your best friend for winding up in a situation that is not their fault nor involves any wrongdoing.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

They aren’t getting married! Nothing is final and they might not even end up dating. If they do, then take that as a sign that your crush is just a crush and not meant to be anything further. If they don’t then let life play out and see what happens... it can all turn around in a blink of an eye.

Good luck! xx

[inlovin]

imagine if you loved yourself in the same way you loved another person; not caring about the flaws in the body or inside the mind, seeing the virtues even bigger, supporting, taking care. that would be a new level of self-esteem and another way to be  indestructible

[asklyss]

Hey There, I'm nearly 25 and not sure what im doing with my life in terms of Jobs. I hate my current job. Back in 2015 i was going for a dream job working at the airport i failed the medical test and didn't get the job. Over the last few years I've let myself go weightwise. I was looking to revisit this dream Job but I'd have to work hard is it worth the effort and what should i do as I'm not sure what to do any help would be awesome

Hii,Well I’m no life coach, I’m not your mum and I’m not you... so I have no business telling you what you should do with your life, nor would I even know what would make you feel the happiest. It sounds like you’re very aware of the factors that have contributed to your current situation (you hate your job, you missed out on your dream job, you’ve let yourself go weight wise, and you aren’t sure if you’re willing to put in the effort to get your dream job). Those realisations are already a big start because it not only shows me that you’re self-aware, but it shows me that you’re taking responsibility and not blaming other people for where you’re at or playing dumb and pretending you have no idea how you wound up here. Anyways, point is, you’ve already taken a big massive step forward and that means it’s gonna be easier for you to take action. 

Again, I'm not life coach (let’s be real, I still struggling coaching my OWN life), but I would write down exactly the parts of your life that you are unhappy with, or the parts you want to work on improving, and the steps needed to achieve it. So for example, don’t write down “I’m unhappy with my weight, I will change this by losing weight.” Write something specific, measurable and achievable. So for example (this is just an example because I don't know what your fitness goals are). “I want to lose weight, I will act on this by cutting out sugary food, increasing my fruit and veg intake, and going for a run 5 times a week.”. Do this sort of thing for each of the things you aren’t happy in your life. I can tell you I was recently stuck in a similar rut to you and NOTHING changed until I began to tweak, improve and cut out each and every single aspect that I could change in my life.

As for your dream job being an effort, that’s life my friend. Nothing good and worth it comes easy. I wouldn’t let the fact that you didn’t get in discourage you. If something so simple as a set back is enough to make you stop wanting your dream job... then is it REALLY your dream job? To me a dream job is something you aspire to achieve and are set on achieving despite all obstacles. Perhaps you need to either reconsider whether it really is a dream of yours, or find ways to reignite your passion for it which will consequently light a fire up your bum and motivate you to go out and try again! Write down the reasons you’d love that job at the airport, the reasons you didn’t get the job last time and the things you’ve learned to do/not to do for next time, and the steps you need to take to get that job. Again, make this list as specific, clear and easy to achieve as possible.I think seeing yourself slowly tick off more and more things off your general lit and your dream job list will start a cycle of motivation which will make you feel great for accomplishing tasks, making you motivated to complete more tasks, etc etc. I don’t want to make it seem like I’m understating your issues and your concerns because I know I make it sound easier than it really is. But take it step by step, day by day, minor goal by minor goal, and you’ll get there. Also, if the roadblocks you’re experiencing are the result of wider, deeper issues (like maybe a break up or family issues which has gotten you in a cloudy headspace, or mental health issues that are making it heard to live life let alone move forward in life), then this obviously would change the way you should tackle this. However, going off the information you have given me, I really feel that taking my advice would do you a world of good! Good luck and keep me updated with progress! xx

[asklyss]

Do u still answer questions? :)

I sure am! Took a little break but I’m back! Shoot me some questions coz I’m so ready to be a better and more supportive network for you all to rant to, cry to, laugh with and lean on!!

[asklyss]

28th with claire at 12 o clock tlhrI’ve been feeling worthless for the past 4 years now. I had a lot of trouble finding a casual job when I was at uni and couldn’t succeed in interviews for the simplest jobs. Now I have my degree I feel like even more of a loser. I’ve had 7 interviews for career jobs in the past two months and not one of them got back to me. My experience isn’t the problem, i match with each description. I’m the problem. nobody really likes me. what’s wrong with me

Heyy,No offence but this question kind of annoyed me. I’m still studying and I haven’t started looking for full-time “career” jobs yet so I can’t relate to how frustrated you must be and how time-consuming and nerve-wracking it must be for you to have to search, apply, attend interviews (sometimes more than one for a single job), wait for an answer, and face rejection emails. However, I have had friends who have tried to break into their fields after graduating and despite their experience, their (really impressive) grades, their preparedness and their dedication to applying for jobs and attending interviews, they got 20 rejections for every 1 offer. Attend 2 interviews a week for months on end like they did, and then complain to me. If they had the same mentality as you and decided that they were the problem, that would be enough for them to give up! Even though I only have experience with looking for a casual job, I’ll give you a good example. I’ve worked at KFC, been a medical receptionist running the administration of a practice at the age of 15, and been trusted to tutor a classroom of young kids at the age of 16. I got all of those jobs on the spot (as in, I applied and straight away got the job), and I did that while not even having graduated high school yet, let alone having any other experience! Then, about a year ago I was looking for another casual job after having university and high school education, volunteer experience, work experience, intern experience and university level training on how to apply for jobs and attend interviews. I applied for literally anything that was going. Literally I went for anything from elite medical practices to my local Coles and Woolies... and no one would hire me! Eventually it began to frustrate me but then I thought about myself in the employer’s position. They are running a business that they invest their time, their money, their blood, sweat and tears... their LIFE into. I surely was not the only applicant and they would’ve had hundreds of other people to chose from. Can I really blame them for wanting to pick the absolute best candidate for the job? No! Thats how you should be thinking of your rejections. It’s not about you being “bad” or “incapable”, its about you not being as much of a perfect fit for the job role as someone else may be. My story illustrates this perfectly, because if it was about having the most intelligence/maturity/experience then I would not’ve gotten any of my previous jobs, but I would’ve gotten my current job first go.You could also think about applying for a job like dating someone. You could go on a date with 10 people, but only think that one person is worthy of being your lifelong partner. This is because you are (hopefully) dating these people to find one that is the most perfect match for you... just like when an employer selects employees. I feel like I’m rambling but long story short I am trying to say stop taking it to heart! It’s not personal. Sure I totally understand why you feel so frustrated and disheartened and maybe even offended because it’s so easy to think that not getting a job is the result of them not liking you. But remind yourself that being rejected means that you weren’t a perfect fit for the role, NOT that there is anything wrong with you.Also, you may want to look into brushing up on your job skills. Now, this may sound contradictory to what I just said because I just gave a speech on how you aren’t the problem, but perhaps if you were more confident in your career skills, you’d take each rejection less and less harshly. So what can you do? Research how to perfect your resume, interview skills, self-presentation skills, networking skills, etc etc... all things which can be researched with a quick Google search. I don’t know how expert you are in these departments but I can tell you that the chances of you finding a tip you’ve never considered before that could benefit you are high. I used to think I knew it all when it came to career skills, but everytime my high school and university brought in a speaker they introduced a new helpful tip/perspective that I've never heard before. In addition to this, it would be a great idea to reach out to people who have the job that you want, and network with them. Get their inside tips and tricks on how they scored the role and ask them on any advice they could give you to up your chances. To sum up my novel, you basically have to do 3 things:1. Stop taking job rejections personally. It’s just business.2. Work on yourself and upping your job skill game so that you can be the most confident applicant you can be. (Being confident doesn’t mean you know without a shadow of a doubt that you’ll get the job, it means you’ll be completely okay if you don’t get the job)3. Network around and gain hints, tips and advice from people in your preferred field.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with you, but there's certainly something wrong with your mentality and I hope you turn it around. Good luck, hope to see you employed in your dream career very soon! xx

[thegoodvybe]