The Musings of A Sleepy Sailor

What follows is the thoughts and perspective of some person who is usually pretty tired.

[asleepysailor]

[asleepysailor]

“Sir, Do You Know Why I Pulled You Over?”

As he comes back to my window he hands me back my information. "Listen, I'mma let'chu off with a warnin'. Becareful not to be swervin', y'hear?" "Yes, officer." He is about to hand me back my driver's license and snatches it back. What the fuck? is what immediately came to mind. He looks at my license and then back to me. "Why are your glasses so close to your face?" he asked. I couldn't tell if he was being serious. "It's just my preference, sir." I said. "Ah, okay." He is hanging me back my license and then snatches it away, again. Why?! "Preference? What'chu mean by 'preference'?" I couldn't tell if he was really fucking with me or just being serious or just being a dick. His face was solid and straight. "I just prefer to have them close to my face?" I explained while not seeming sure of what the fuck was happening.

He finally hands me back my license. "Have a nice day" he said, seeming annoyed. I drive off and feel so relieved it was finally over. Three minutes later I was home.

Now this is a story all about how...

I was twenty and lived in Texas at the time. It had taken me some time to get my license since I didn't have much of an opportunity to actually get one while I grew up in New York City. I didn't have much a reason to actually get one and I didn't anticipate uprooting myself and moving away. Living just South of Houston in League City (don't let the name fool you) and working in Galveston, having a car was essential for day to day living. There wasn't convenient mass transit. Eventually I finally got my license.

Two weeks later, I was just finishing shopping at a Wal-Mart. It was a typical hot Summer's day in Texas and I was just wearing a tank top and shorts. I had a few bags in one hand and I was carrying a crate of water over my shoulder with my other arm. Going through the parking lot I couldn't remember where I parked my car -- typical. It took me some time but I eventually found my car. I lived five minutes from this Wal-Mart and I had already made a few simple trips in the last two weeks. I didn't think this would be any different because why would I?

As I left the parking lot and drove onto the road a police vehicle was behind. I didn't think anything of it. I'm not doing anything wrong, he just happens to be patrolling behind me, right? I get to a traffic light that was red at the moment. I'm listening to music, not a care in the world. The traffic lights goes from red to green. The moment the light went to green the police vehicle's lights go off.

I suddenly have this feeling of dread wash over me. "What the fuck did I do!?"immediately vomited out of my mouth. I pulled over not too far past the stop light.

Backpedaling Suspicions 

Now I'm waiting for the officer to get out of the vehicle. As he is approaching my car he comes to my passenger side window instead of my driver side, which already threw me off.

"Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?" he asked. "No, officer, I don't." I was nervous and confused. "Well, ya look suspicious." he said. That was it. I look suspicious. Not that I did anything wrong. I just looked suspicious. Gee, I wonder why. He had went on to explain it was because he saw me looking through cars in the parking lot when in reality I was finding my car and just walking alongside the cars -- like any human does when walking in a parking lot. "You were also kind of swervin' a bit when I was following you." You backpedaling son of a bitch! "Let me see your license and car insurance information."

I give him my information. Then I wait. I was really surprised. I never thought I could just look "suspicious" and I definitely wasn't swerving. It was a confusing, annoying, irritating, and nerve-wracking moment.

Eventually he comes back to my car.

Glasses

As he comes back to my window he hands me back my information. "Listen, I'mma let'chu off with a warnin'. Be careful not to be swervin', y'hear?" "Yes, officer." He is about to hand me back my driver's license and snatches it back. What the fuck? is what immediately came to mind. He looks at my license and then back to me. "Why are your glasses so close to your face?" he asked. I couldn't tell if he was being serious. "It's just my preference, sir." I said. "Ah, okay." He is hanging me back my license and then snatches it away, again. Why?!

"Preference? What'chu mean by 'preference'?" I couldn't tell if he was really fucking with me or just being serious or just being a dick. His face was solid and straight. "I just prefer to have them close to my face?" I explained while not seeming sure of what the fuck was happening.

He finally hands me back my license. "Have a nice day" he said, seeming annoyed. I drive off and feel so relieved it was finally over. Three minutes later I was home.

Moments That Stick

Now, I know that there are plenty of cops that aren't racist asshats that feel at least a little power hungry. I don't like to generalize and I've worked alongside officers in the past. However, whenever I'm driving I feel this tinge of anxiety when I see a cop on the road because I can simply look suspicious. It wasn't anything I ever thought of until that day. Sometimes I'll go off my route altogether if I there is a police vehicle just driving behind me and I'm doing nothing wrong.

[asleepysailor]

The Meaning of Life? There Isn't One

A Common Question

A question that I'm sure we are all familiar with is "What is the meaning of life?" Similar questions as well such as:

Why am I here?

What is my purpose?

What is life about?

What does it mean to be a human?

All amomg a plethora of others. It's the basis of many stories, films, and for many people it's the question that jump starts an existential crisis and/or a mid-life crisis, something I am too eager to experience.

So, what's the answer? Is there an answer? Many people will find their answers in religious text or faith in a higher power or after tripping on shrooms. Others, not so much. Can there be a definitive answer to such a loaded question? Well, because no one asked me at all I will give my take on this question millions ask themselves.

Definitively

So, Sleepy, what exactly is the meaning of life?

It's forty-two, duh.

Alright, now that the most painfully obvious reference is out of the way...

There is absolutely no definitive answer to what life metaphorically is. Life doesn't have an inherent meaning. There can't be. This is a more nihilistic point of view but bear with me.

There are so many humans on the Earth, born into different situations, cultures, environments, and vastly different regions. One answer can't possibly apply to humanity as a whole. We all have different goals and aspirations as well.

So why bother living? If life has no meaning why not just kill yourself? (Something someone has asked/suggested to me when talking about this.)

Well, okay -- first, damn. Second, I like existing. Just because life doesn't have a definitive meaning to strive collectively toward doesn't mean we can't live.

Let's Live for the Weekend

You give your life meaning and purpose. Why do you choose to live day to day? Is it because you simply enjoy being alive? Do you live for others? Do you live because there are things? Do you live because of your goals and aspirations?

These things and many more are valid reasons to live your life.

Everyone can have that one thing that pulls them forward, to live life day by day.

Does religion give you meaning or some higher power or deity or space lizard king? Does having a family give you drive? Educating others? Raising a work farm? Money? Trying to have a life of luxury? To pass the butter?

Maybe your actual answer is forty-two, however you even interpret that.

Everyone can have that one thing that pulls them forward, to live life day by day.

My Reason to Live

Sleepy, what is your purpose? What keeps you wanting to exist?

I'm glad you asked existential voice in my head and no one else!

I live for people, places, and things. I live for me. I live to experience. I live for validation. I live to try to see my goals through. I live to be be happy or at least try to be. I live to have a full life to reflect on when it's time to die, something that is inevitable.

My personal reason to live is to live.

I like people. I like trying to make friends, to have genuine connections -- friendships and otherwise. I like being around people that I feel like I could have potential connections with and especially being around those that I do have some kind of connection with. I want to and like to feel love and to be loved. Those are things I like. Those are things I want and will continuously want.

I like places. I want to, do, and try to see new places. I love seeing new places and I love exploring. Making little personal discoveries is so much fun to me and gives me fun memories to look back on. It's one reason I love cross-country road trips and stopping by landmarks and small towns. It's why I want to travel through Europe some day and experience that side of the world, among other places. I've already been to more than several countries and those have always been interesting experiences. I want to keep it going.

I like things. Not that things give my life some kind of meaning but there are particular things I want to have and a home with a particular arrangement full of things. Especially when I like having people over and hosting and entertaining. Being able to having things, objects in a particular way is a fun little drive for me. Especially as I get older and try reaching an end goal for how I want to settle for some kind of home base.

Validation? Yes. That's an actual reason. Does it sound ridiculous? Yeah, I'd say a little. Not that I do things and actions for the sake of being validated, that does seem like a bit much butvaldiation is nice. I do like being validated. A lot. It feels encouraging to me. As if I'm doing something right. Whether it is in my work life or more personal among other people. Validation does help me.

To be happy. That's kind of basic, isn't it? Something most people would understandably want? Yeah, absolutely and it's one of my reasons. To reach a point where I feel happy and content for any given reason and not question or doubt it at all.

To reflect at death's door, I'll often joke about how I'll never die. That I'll reach a stage in my late twenties and stop aging. I like to joke about it because the reality, the reality of life not being forever, fucking terrifies me and something I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable about. Some people can say they are okay with death when the time comes. I am not one of those people. It is something that has given me existential dread at one time and another. I accept the logic of death but I don't want it. Especially as someone who doesn't believe in an afterlife. So I don't want to let my life stagnate. I want to keep it going and keep it interesting so that when it comes time for me to stop breathing or if I start forgetting who I am, I can at least take some satisfaction and solace in knowing I lived a full life with people, variety, and interesting moments instead of not really having had lived at all.

All of these things and even a bit more are reasons why I live. These things are mypurposes in life. I'm sure others have similar reasons and others certainly do have different reasons altogether.