January
It has always amused me how much can change in the span of a month. It's crazy that just thirty days can completley flip your world upside down. Your boyfriend of seven-and-a-half months can decide that he just wants the two of you to be friends, and the next morning change his mind again. I'm really not even sure how to feel about that. I trust Ben with my life, but right now it feels like I shouldn't trust him with my heart...not after he was willing to give it up just like that. Is that something that I really need? My life is scary and chaotic enough as is without the added confusion and doubt. At one point, I was sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Ben; that somehow we could make that work and he would propose in September and we would be engaged for about a year and a half and get married in July and have three beautiful kids and grow old together and and and... Right now, I am almost 97% sure that that will never happen. I think it would be amazing if it did, but it just doesn't seem realistic. We could never work for forever. I mean, come on, we can't even go a week without having some kind of argument. And then the tears and the apologies and the promises that we'll never ever fight again. BULLSHIT. We're in the exact same place that we were last week. Two steps forward, three steps back.
