asoiaf discourse shitposts

dont get mad at me, im just a humble ice spider

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tumblr user @crocordile gave us the highest praise we have yet received on this blog and will be spared when the ice spiders scuttle in from beyond the wall to devour you all

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the signs as truly wild asoiaf fan theories

aries: robert strong has the mountain's body and robb stark's head

taurus: dragonglass is dragon poop

gemini: benjen = daario

cancer: "the corn code", or, mormont's raven predicts the future

leo: every single secret targaryen theory ever

virgo: ned warged into ice before he died

libra: ned warged into a pigeon before he died, but it was put into the pie at joffrey's wedding feast and joffrey decapitated him with his own sword a second time

scorpio: roose bolton is a skin-changing vampire

sagittarius: "the time traveling fetus", or, dany + drogo = tyrion

capricorn: varys is a merman

aquarius: ramsay snow is azor ahai

pisces: howland reed saved ned's life by warging into arthur dayne

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top 10 asoiaf ships on ao3 as bad sex tips from magazines

jonsa: Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.

braime: Try sex in the woods. Your two biggest risks are bugs and poison ivy. Spray yourself with insect repellent beforehand, and remember, leaves of three: let it be.

gendrya: If you have an annoying roommate, rent a horror movie and play it during sex. If they hear anything, they'll assume it's the movie.

sansan: If he touches his belt, hangs his thumb off a front pocket, or even scratches himself down there, you may need to hose him down - he's subconsciously trying to draw your attention to his, ahem, assets.

jonerys: "Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects." - Cindy, 32

nedcat: As you're eating dinner, say something X-rated like, "See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you tonight."

lannicest: "Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as hard as you can." - Jamie, 30

petyr/sansa: "Watching a woman do yoga is the hottest foreplay you could have without touching each other." - Jean-Claude, 29

throbb: Make a Bedroom Burrito. While you're rolling around in bed, wrap your partner up in the sheet so they can't do anything with their arms.

sansaery: Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your breast, and ask your partner to lick it off.

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asoiaf houses as vines

house targaryen: don’t fuck with me! i have the power of god AND anime on my side!

house stark: la la la la, la la la la – hello darkness my old friend…

house lannister: “what is your inspiration?” “to be better than everyone. because i hate everyone. and i want to be better than them. and i want them to know that.”

house arryn: this is really just lysa bc this one was hard ok

house tully: when there’s too much drama [in the kingdoms], all you gotta do is, walk aWAAYYYYayyyay…

house greyjoy: (unexpectedly dabs)

house baratheon: honey, you’ve got a big storm comin’.

house tyrell: scheming and plotting and being glamorous like

house martell: she’s such a snake.

house bolton: “let me see what you have!” “a KNIFE!” “NO!”

house frey: look at all those [grandchildren]!

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types of people by their favorite stark

ned: has walked out of the house with shoes on the wrong feet before; enjoys smooth jazz; "dumbass bitch" alignment

catelyn: sighs in exasperation a lot; slightly depressed; undervalued and underrated tbh

robb: has a lot of fire signs in their birth chart; would fight all of u; spends the evenings curled up in a fleece blanket contemplating where it all went wrong

jon: definitely had an emo phase; is still having an emo phase; doesn't know where to put it

sansa: wears those socks that say "i am a delicate fucking flower" a lot; wannabe beauty guru; wears stiletto nails, stiletto heels, or both regularly

arya: relates to the "i'm a bad bitch you can't kill me" vine in their soul; deletes aggro vent tweets after 5 seconds 83% of the time; short hair don't care

bran: does bad tarot readings for $5; goes on nature retreats; is a literal nature retreat the boy is basically a tree come on now

rickon: always overlooked; secretly high quality; possibly a cannibal

tony: doesn't even go here

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the powers of asoiaf house stans

house stark: can weather a thousand emotional blows

house targaryen: has the power of god AND anime on their side

house lannister: can easily and thoroughly rationalize any morally questionable act

house greyjoy: axe throwing champs of the year 1999

house martell: every headcanon they have becomes actual canon (bc god knows grrm is never going to give them more information)

house tyrell: super lesbianism

house tully: unparalleled drive to be left Out Of This, no matter what "this" may be

house bolton: encyclopedic knowledge of every creepypasta known to man

house baratheon: would win the hunger games, probably

house arryn: can find the best weed in even the most unfamiliar of places

house frey: telepathy (this is how all 4 frey stans have conversations from across the world)

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types of people: top 10 asoiaf ao3 relationship tags

jonsa: puts cold hands/feet on friends who complain about it; starved for affection; weirdly strong opinions on beauty products

braime: unironically thinks of romeo + juliet as a romantic tragedy; would take candy from a stranger; insecure af

gendrya: wants to live alone on a mountainside; giggles anytime they see the number 69 or the word fart; wears stripes with polka dots

sansan: daydreams literally all of the time; sits in the bath until the water is cold and their fingers are pruney; only wears high heels that hurt their feet

jonerys: basic starbucks order; still wears ugg boots in the year of our lord 2019; cries when drunk

nedcat: the mom friend; just wants to go home; cries self to sleep at night at least 2x weekly

lannicest: no emotional regulation skills to speak of whatsoever; spends too much time on eyebrows; weird kinks

petyr/sansa: had/has a crush on a teacher; wears a lot of bodysuits; trying to bring back scrunchies

throbb: has an old folder of yaoi fic from 2007 on their computer; binges 90s sitcoms in their spare time; tries really hard to look like they don't try at all

sansaery: has their sexuality in their bio; CONSTANTLY treating themselves; has soft hobbies like gardening

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the signs as truly wild asoiaf fan theories

aries: robert strong has the mountain's body and robb stark's head

taurus: dragonglass is dragon poop

gemini: benjen = daario

cancer: "the corn code", or, mormont's raven predicts the future

leo: every single secret targaryen theory ever

virgo: ned warged into ice before he died

libra: ned warged into a pigeon before he died, but it was put into the pie at joffrey's wedding feast and joffrey decapitated him with his own sword a second time

scorpio: roose bolton is a skin-changing vampire

sagittarius: "the time traveling fetus", or, dany + drogo = tyrion

capricorn: varys is a merman

aquarius: ramsay snow is azor ahai

pisces: howland reed saved ned's life by warging into arthur dayne

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how the signs would die in asoiaf

aries: charging a literal dragon on the battlefield as a one handed man whilst your sibling looks on and calls you an idiot (i know this is show canon only but it is also the most chaotic aries energy i have ever seen displayed)

taurus: infection after having your tongue cut out for writing a snarky song about the king

gemini: being executed for treason

cancer: makes some ned stark level lapses in judgment and ends up beheaded (but gets a "yep, that's me, i bet you're wondering how i got here" montage on the chopping block)

leo: deciding to fight a guy twice your size which may have been an acceptable choice if you didn't decide to monologue about it which was NOT an acceptable choice

virgo: getting yeeted out of a window because you cockblocked the wrong guy buddy

libra: devoured by ice spiders

scorpio: being flayed by ramsay snow himself

sagittarius: gets yeeted out the moon door; has no regrets

capricorn: holing up in your keep when winter comes but starving because you forgot to bring enough food

aquarius: hanged by the brotherhood without banners; lady stoneheart herself ties the noose

pisces: getting turned into a wight and joining the army of the dead

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types of people by their favorite dead asoiaf character

robert baratheon: "i could have gone pro if not for the injury"; a meme lord; not good at their job but brings the best food to the office potluck

ned stark: always uses this emoji 👀; relates to the "hey, how you doing, well i'm doing just fine, i lied, i'm dying inside" vine; king of dark self-deprecating humor

khal drogo: remarkably, unnervingly good at axe throwing; wears a lot of flannel shirts; drives either the world's coolest car or a complete pile of junk

renly baratheon: has perfected the art of raising a single judgmental eyebrow; extensive skincare routine; was actually okay when their favorite dead asoiaf character died bc they knew he deserved better than this cruel world

balon greyjoy: thinks they are severely underrated but has not asked others' opinions on this matter; mutters angrily at their computer screen a lot; needs a haircut

robb stark: identifies strongly with house gryffindor; always walking around shirtless/in a sports bra to show off their physique but in soft cozy socks to warm their feetsies; the loud show-off friend

catelyn stark: always has a mild headache; tells their friends when they're about to make poor choices but consoles them anyway when things turn out badly; carries a mini first aid kit in their bag

joffrey baratheon: the best fashion sense of everyone they know; covers up their secret soft heart with layers and layers of snark; has a regularly updated finsta

oberyn martell: has spent an entire paycheck on a single date night before; said "yolo" unironically when that was a thing; wears leopard print too often to be cool yet is somehow still cool

maester aemon: the sweetest kindest soul; always has personalized book recommendations for their friends; bakes cookies for old people

jon snow, kind of: can never decide where they want to eat; takes way too long doing their hair in the morning; unironically likes "never gonna give you up"

beric dondarrion: gets knocked down but they get up again you're never going to keep them down; mysterious and cool; very eclectic music taste

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top 10 asoiaf ships on ao3 as bad sex tips from magazines

jonsa: Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.

braime: Try sex in the woods. Your two biggest risks are bugs and poison ivy. Spray yourself with insect repellent beforehand, and remember, leaves of three: let it be.

gendrya: If you have an annoying roommate, rent a horror movie and play it during sex. If they hear anything, they'll assume it's the movie.

sansan: If he touches his belt, hangs his thumb off a front pocket, or even scratches himself down there, you may need to hose him down - he's subconsciously trying to draw your attention to his, ahem, assets.

jonerys: "Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects." - Cindy, 32

nedcat: As you're eating dinner, say something X-rated like, "See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you tonight."

lannicest: "Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as hard as you can." - Jamie, 30

petyr/sansa: "Watching a woman do yoga is the hottest foreplay you could have without touching each other." - Jean-Claude, 29

throbb: Make a Bedroom Burrito. While you're rolling around in bed, wrap your partner up in the sheet so they can't do anything with their arms.

sansaery: Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your breast, and ask your partner to lick it off.

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types of people by their favorite agot pov chapters

ned: stays up all night studying but then sleeps through their alarm; often relates to squidward; always being told to "lighten up"

catelyn: seems nice but silently judges all of you; subsists on caffeine and depression; remembers everyone's birthdays and makes them handmade cards

dany: loved the tiny sunglasses trend and tries to keep it relevant; gets into internet arguments a lot; either has a 10 step skincare routine or none at all

tyrion: records their own witty one-liners for future generations; quiet and unsuspecting but always knows the tea; resting bitch face

jon: always complains about "adulting"; often shows up 15 minutes late with starbucks; wears 3284085 layers because they can never decide if they're too hot or too cold

bran: gets nostalgic for the 90s even if they aren't actually a 90s kid; loves autumn weather, leaves changing colors, and dressing in layers; a dog person

sansa: read(s) teen magazines from the ages of 7 to 21; collects different flavors of lip balm; way too calm and collected when playing monopoly

arya: still gets up early on weekends to eat sugary cereal and watch cartoons; loves playing pranks; changes interests/uni or college major/career path with astounding regularity

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the signs as asoiaf moments that shocked you when you first read them

aries: jaime yeeting bran out the tower window

taurus: littlefinger yeeting lysa out the moon door

gemini: "jaime lannister sends his regards." (cue massacre)

cancer: sam having 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery and killing a white walker

leo: joffrey being killed at his own wedding

virgo: "for the watch" aka the jon snow stabbing party

libra: tyrion killing his own dad on the toilet

scorpio: actual baby dragons showing up at the end of agot

sagittarius: thinking oberyn was about to miraculously win vs. the mountain and being Wrong(TM)

capricorn: ned being beheaded with his own greatsword

aquarius: melisandre pushing a demon baby out of her vag

pisces: "she don't speak. you bloody bastards cut her throat too deep for that. but she remembers."

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asoiaf houses as vines

house targaryen: don’t fuck with me! i have the power of god AND anime on my side!

house stark: la la la la, la la la la -- hello darkness my old friend...

house lannister: “what is your inspiration?” “to be better than everyone. because i hate everyone. and i want to be better than them. and i want them to know that.”

house arryn: this is really just lysa bc this one was hard ok

house tully: when there’s too much drama [in the kingdoms], all you gotta do is, walk aWAAYYYYayyyay...

house greyjoy: (unexpectedly dabs)

house baratheon: honey, you’ve got a big storm comin’.

house tyrell: scheming and plotting and being glamorous like

house martell: she’s such a snake.

house bolton: “let me see what you have!” “a KNIFE!” “NO!”

house frey: look at all those [grandchildren]!

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Have you been told lately that you’re freakishly accurate?

no i have not bc this is my First Ever Ask on this blog! ur friendly neighborhood ice spider appreciates the love n will spare ur life when winter comes and the ice spider pack begins devouring westerosi citizens

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the signs as the unlikely ruler they secretly want on the iron throne

aries: the ghost of oberyn martell

taurus: the hound, under the condition that he gets a "yep. that's me. you're probably wondering how i got here" montage

gemini: an actual kraken

cancer: the night king

leo: joffrey baratheon, resurrected from the dead

virgo: coldhands

libra: daario naharis, but book!daario with the blue beard and gold mustache

scorpio: drogon (NOT daenerys. drogon themselves.)

sagittarius: tormund giantsbane

capricorn: ice spiders, big as hounds

aquarius: old nan

pisces: gilly's baby

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types of people by their favorite lannister

tywin: overdresses to every event; texts "almost there" when they haven't left the house yet; either forgets to eat dinner or eats a HUGE dinner every night

joanna: wears a lot of pearl jewelry; obsessed with mermaids; a quiet and unassuming badass

cersei: extra af; wears red lipstick as a casual everyday shade; everyone sees them as the "i don't care about my haters and if you wanna fight me then fight me" vine

jaime but they loved him before the hand thing: zones out very obviously during boring conversations; "bro do u even lift"; has a charming, roguish grin

jaime but they only love him after the hand thing: gets emotional about those aspca commercials with the sarah mclachlan song; a bit holier-than-thou sometimes; feels too old for how young they actually are

tyrion: identifies strongly as a ravenclaw; makes jokes so they themselves can laugh at them (if others do that's just a bonus); high anxiety

joffrey: misses myspace a lot; problematic but a lot of fun; has not changed eyeliner application technique since 2005 but has gotten much better at it

myrcella: owns at least 3 flower crowns; wishes it was nice enough to go swimming year-round; donates to charity

tommen: sleeps with 5 fuzzy blankets and 220834805 pillows on the bed; loves novelty socks; has soft hair that always smells nice