My dissociation is getting worse. I don't even know if I should call it dissociation, that's not it either. My mind and body exist on separate planes, neither of which really read as me, myself. I feel untethered. I'm probably making it worse by trying to make sense of it instead of just ignoring it, but whatever.
As of right now, I can clearly see how my body reacts free of my mind, I can backtrack what triggered its reaction, but it's all context clues related. I can hear my voice raise, feel my body melt in pleasant comfort, feel it tense under what makes sense to call unease. But that's that, and it only exists if I dare to focus on trying to register it. There's no emotion tied to it. It exists purely as a separate physical sensation that I'm forced to let happen or else it won't exist.
For the most part, I like to indulge my body, make note of 'its needs', and let them manifest in reality, though I think it's too clumsy as is. I can feel being melted into a soft fabric for as long as I actively focus on it. Once I stop, it's like it had never happened. The same happens with negative inputs. Even when my body has a visceral reaction, I tend to be able to nullify it, though I try not to.
In general, I am somewhat capable of stopping my body from reacting without much issue, or even of literally removing my focus and not registering what its doing, but I'd rather keep it flowing however it wishes to go while being able to observe it.
I think that if I were to turn off my mind (which I think I'm capable of) my body would have no input to move on its own without some external trigger, and I think there's only a few of them, or rather - I think my body is too used to ignoring inputs. It makes me wonder how I'd function, if at all. I wish to test it out, but I'm scared of making it permanent, but at this point, even softer approaches leave me even worse off...
Weirdly enough, I find it nearly impossible to go on autopilot by itself. Not to the point of what I see some people do casually. I can't mindlessly grab onto something or even just shift the way I'm sitting. I have to actively focus on it for it to happen, even if it still feels like my body's choice.
With my mind turned off, my body is gone completely, too, present exclusively in this timeless void, with no clearer view on sensations as a little reward either. I can literally sit in one position for hours at a time for as long as I don't think that it'd be better if I moved.
Though I genuinely wish my body would be the one in control, it feels more alive, like it actually has contact with the real world. In general, my body tends to do better when my mind can't catch up. It's quite endearing, but also infuriating because it gives concrete proof that it should be possible to exist within it (despite still not having that emotional anchor...).
Actually letting it happen would likely me leave me horrified