reblogging this from my personal. it’s long but kinda just where i am after having been off of here for more than a month. my mental health is doing great. please take care of yourselves. love you all.
i know i hardly follow anyone on here, rarely get on this blog, etc. but i just want to get some words out.
i’m working on this thing called self love. i haven’t been giving myself the happiness i deserve – because i haven’t thought that i deserved it. i don’t know the last time that i truly loved myself. not just spurts of self-confidence, and not just happiness. because i’ve been happy off and on. but being happy about life and happy about yourself are two completely different things.
part of this self love is being able to admit the truth to myself. i avoid the truth because the truth is hard. i struggle with making decisions for myself because i don’t know what i want – i don’t know what would make me happy because i don’t care enough about myself to find that out.
let me put it this way: self discovery leads to self love, and only by loving myself can i help to achieve my own, long-term goals.
but i’ve never liked setting long-term goals because i don’t LET myself think that far ahead. yes, implying here that i’ve never assumed myself to make it “that far” because of suicidal thoughts. and that’s coming along with this whole package. yes i have depression, yes i have anxiety, but i still have the power to be who i want to be. it just makes it a little harder. (which, again, i avoid anything difficult, and therefore i avoid pushing past my own roadblocks.)
i’ve gone to pride meetings and been part of the LGBTQ community for years – but i don’t think i’ve ever felt proud. i’m constantly afraid – of life, of real emotion. but it’s time to stop that and start being open and honest with myself – and therefore PROUD of who i am.
i might not be happy about where i am in my life right now, it might not be where i want, but i am the ONLY one who can change that – i just have to want it. and i do. i want to get out of this rut and stop thinking that i’m never going to get better. it’s going to be difficult, but that doesn’t mean it’s not going to be worth it. so here’s a start.
i’m a trans man. and coming out is going to be the most difficult thing in my life. time to practice what i preach though: if someone has a problem, even if it’s my own family, fuck them. this is who i am. and i might not be proud and love myself yet – but i will. this is step one.
and next time i’m feeling like shit about myself, like that depression is taking hold again, like it’s not worth it, i’m going to re-read this post. i’m going to remind myself that i deserve that happiness. i deserve to make my own life better. and i alone can create that life for myself. it’s time to live up to the words on my blog: “it’s gonna be hella.” thanks for coming to my ted talk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯