The First Time
You Lost Him [2/2]
Pairing: Sam Wilson X Fem!Reader
Warnings: Angst, eventual fluff.
Word Count: 3.7K
A/n: Trying this again. Sorry for disappearing lmfao. Thank you to @jesus-buck for editing this for me!!! Feedback always appreciated!!
[1/2] | Series masterlist
The past five years had passed like a slow blur. Time had dragged miserably as everyone tried to heal from the blip. The air was cold, and the city was draped in a heavy blanket of fog as you walked. It was only five in the morning, and your body still protested being awake this early after all these years. But you had to get to work early enough to set everything up.
You only passed a few others on your walk, the majority of people still in their warm beds dealing with the sad reality that they only dreamed their loved one had returned from the blip. A nightmare that you were all too familiar with.
This morning, it was particularly bad. You had dreamt that you were in Sam’s arms again, trying to convince him to sleep in. You felt the safety of his arms, his lips on your skin, and his hands exploring every inch of your body. You heard the rumble in his chest as he spoke. You felt his breathing, his heartbeat, and the tickle of his breath against your ear as he murmured “Happy anniversary”.
Then, it was all torn away from you. You looked in his eyes but they were filled with pain. “Sam?!” You plead, because you knew what was about to happen. You reached for him, as if that would save him this time, but he slipped right through your fingers. Dust scattering across the cream colored sheets.
When you woke your gasp cut through the suffocating darkness of your room, and it quickly turned into a sob. Your chest was torn open from the nightmare as tears burned your eyes. Your fingers fisted the sheets as you tried to calm yourself, but you just couldn’t. Your sobs choked you as Sam’s voice echoed in your mind.
It was supposed to be your anniversary. Your seven year anniversary. It had been difficult the last four years after the blip, but for some reason this one in particular hurt the most. You squeezed your eyes shut when the image of Sam in pain forced itself into your mind, your whole body shaking as you begged for it to go away.
Eventually the image left your mind, but it left you sniffling with your head buried in your pillow. You wanted to stay in bed, desperately, but every inch of you knew that would be the last thing Sam would want you to do. You pulled yourself out of bed, and started gathering clothes to go to work even though you technically wouldn’t have to be there for a couple more hours.
Now you were only minutes away from the office and running on two cups of coffee and half a piece of toast. As you approached the building you saw that the lights were already on, the warm golden glow cutting through the fog and illuminating part of the sidewalk. Your brows furrowed because you swore you had turned the lights off before you left last night but as you peered into the glass windows you saw Steve setting up the chairs in a circle.
A sigh left your lips as you pushed open the door to the office the two of you were renting. The two of you had teamed up...in a way. Both of you decided that the best way to help yourselves was to help other people. You opened up a support group, trying to help people process their grief and trauma from the loss of so many people in the blip. It would have been what Sam wanted.
“You should be sleeping,” you nag as you step into the building, thankful that Steve had turned the heat on.
“So should you,” he shot back knowingly as your fingers fumbled with the zipper of your jacket. You couldn’t tell if your hands were shaking from your nightmare or the caffeine anymore.
“Yeah, well…” You shrugged and tugged it off before you draped it over the back of one of the plastic chairs. “Who would be here to annoy you if I did?” You pressed.
His shoulders shook with a quiet chuckle and a small smile formed on his face. “You have a point.”
You smiled weakly at him. “Anything else needs done?” You offered as you clasped your hands together.
“Not really,” He answered with a shake of his head. “I’ve been here for about an hour so everythings pretty much set up.”
You laughed lightly, “Do you ever take a break?”
“Never,” he chuckled, the corners of his eyes crinkling slightly as he grinned. You could see the hurt in his eyes, though.
Steve had a hard time facing you after he apologized to you about Sam being one of the ones who got wiped out five years ago. He had a hard time facing anyone, really. He blamed himself for all of it. When he looked at you, you knew he was reminded of his best friend. When you looked at him you were reminded of your fiancé.
You chewed your bottom lip, “Well, I’ll start some coffee,” you said before you made your way to the kitchenette that was in one corner of the office. Your fingers tapped on the counter and the light reflected off the silver ring around your finger, catching your attention. Your breath caught in your throat, and memories that were once happy flood your mind. The sound of the office door opening and Steve greeting someone distracted you, and you forced a smile to your face before you returned to the circle of chairs.
Slowly the members of that day’s groups filed in and found their seats. Sessions usually consisted of members of the group sharing what they’ve been struggling with, as well as how they’ve been trying to cope with the reality of the blip. While you were usually good at listening during sessions, you were struggling this time. You were twisting the engagement ring on your finger, your eyes glued to your boots against the dull grey tile as Sam’s words from your dream echoed in your mind.
You were pulled from your thoughts when you heard one of the group members bring up their husband, and how it still hadn’t gotten any easier to wake up alone. They mentioned that they had been married for ten years before the blip and they weren’t sure that they’d ever be able to move on. Steve replied, but it sounded like you were underwater, his voice muted and distorted as your gut wrenched. The room suffocated you and you stood suddenly, all eyes drawn towards you as you idled for a moment before you mumbled an apology and rushed to the door.
The freezing air enveloped you as you pushed out of the office, and you gasped as if it was the first breath you’d taken since the session started. You stepped into the alley on the side of the building, the brick wall digging uncomfortably into your skin through your shirt. Your eyes shut as you pinched the bridge of your nose and tried to calm your breathing. You couldn’t shake the image of Sam turning to ash from your nightmare, you couldn’t stop hearing his voice, or feeling his arms around you. His ghost was a constant reminder of what you could have had.
“You okay?”
Your eyes opened slowly and your hand dropped from your face as you turned your head towards Steve and bit back a snarky comment. “Yeah, just needed some air,” you sighed. “Felt a little shaky.”
“We’ve been doing this long enough that I know when you’re lying,” he said, passing you your jacket before he leaned against the wall next to you.
Your laugh was weak and breathless as you slipped your jacket on, thankful for the warmth. “I know. That’s kinda scary,” you admitted. “Can’t believe it’s been five years....” You said mostly towards yourself. You chewed on your bottom lip as you began twisting the ring around your finger again, ignoring the way your heart cracked with every beat.
You felt Steve’s gaze and turned to look at him again, hating that he was able to get you to confide in him so easily. “Today would have been our anniversary.” You croaked, your throat starting to swell.
Steve nodded once as his head dropped and he looked at his feet, his lips pursed. Your gaze returned to the wall across from you as you began to nervously crack your knuckles. There was no need for Steve to tell you he was sorry, you knew he was sorry, he had said it so many times in the last five years. Having a friend next to you was more of a comfort than hearing the same words over and over again.
“I would tell you to move on, but I don’t want you to punch me again,” Steve finally spoke, and you snorted as a laugh shook through you.
Last year Steve had suggested that you try to move on, and you responded by punching him in the jaw. The result was the most awkward drive to the hospital as you cradled your broken finger and glared at Steve from the passenger's seat.
“No, we don’t need to go through that again,” you concluded with a laugh.
The laughter faded from both of your faces slowly, and you pushed off the wall and rubbed your freezing hands together as you changed the subject. “Should we head back in?”
Steve shook his head at you. “You head home for the day, I got this,” he directed. You started to argue, but the look he gave you told you that it would be pointless. You agreed hesitantly before following him back into the office to grab your things. You apologized again to the group members before you said goodbye and started to make your way back home.
-
Warm laughter erupts into the air and it brings a smile to your lips. You stand on your toes, peeking outside the window above the kitchen sink and watch as Sarah, Cass, and AJ play Uno out on the porch.
“Stop putting draw four down!” Sarah laughed as she reached for the deck of cards and took four cards. The boys hide their faces behind their cards, eyes glittering as they giggle at their mom’s frustration.
“Uno!” Cass says as he puts down his second to last card, clinging to the last one as if his life depended on it. AJ smiled mischievously at Sarah as he placed down a skip card, laughing harder when she gasps and stares at him in disbelief.
Cass throws down his last card and smiles triumphantly as he high fives his brother. Sarah couldn’t pretend to be mad for long, a wide smile gracing her lips when she saw her son’s excitement.
“Alright you two, time for bed.” Cass groans and AJ pouts, but they help her clean up the cards and follow her back into the house. “Make sure to say goodnight to Y/n!”
“Goodnight, Aunt Y/n!” Cass and AJ say in unison, poking their heads into the kitchen to smile at you.
You smile back widely. “Goodnight boys!” you reply. They race each other up the steps to get ready for bed, and you hear Sarah’s laugh as she follows them up. You turn your attention back to the pot you were washing, the smile lingering on your lips.
It was a warm night, but every so often a cool breeze would blow in through the window and send a shiver through your body. You could hear the dock outside creak as waves pushed against it and the sound of crickets singing, bringing you a comfort you only found at the Wilson family home. Your eyes were stuck on the rippling reflection of the silver moon on the water, and it brought you to an almost dream-like trance, making you realize just how tired you were. There were only a few dishes left, though, and then you could relax.
You come down to Sarah’s to help whenever you can. Whether it’s watching the boys for a few hours or helping her on the docks, you were there. You had been in Louisiana for the last few nights to watch the boys and were supposed to head back tomorrow morning, but a large part of you wanted to stay. You and Sarah were close before the blip, but now the two of you were like sisters.
“Thank you for doing those,” Sarah smiled as she came back downstairs.
You smile at her over your shoulder, “It’s no problem!”
“I’ll be in here if you need me.” She says as she makes her way into the living room.
“Okay!” You reply as you begin to scrub one of the bowls that were left in the sink. You continue to wash the dishes as the faint murmur of the tv flicking through channels comes from the other room. The small smile on your lips fades as you remember the last time you were here with Sam, but you’re snapped from the memory at the sound of Sarah’s voice.
“Y/n, you should see this…” Her voice wavers nervously from the living room. You rinse off the bowl you were washing and set it on the drain board. The tone in Sarah’s voice sets your nerves on edge, your brows furrowing with concern as you creep into the living room while wiping your hands off on a towel. Sarah’s eyes are glued to the television, hands clasped over her mouth. You turn your attention to the tv and the towel drops from your hands as your eyes widen. The red headline on the screen reported that the Avengers compound was under attack and that New York was under evacuation orders. Distant helicopter footage showed the fiery wreckage of what once was the compound which was surrounded by alien spaceships.
You lower yourself onto the couch, unable to look away from the screen as the reporter made it urgently clear that New York residents should evacuate as quickly as they could. Louisiana was a long way from New York, but fear still creeps up your spine. A cold sweat breaks against the back of your neck, and your muscles tense as you wait eagerly for more news.
“Mom?” AJ’s voice calls, and Sarah quickly snatches the remote from the table and turns the tv off. “What’s going on?” He asks.
“Nothing, honey,” she assures him, “Everything is fine.” She stands and makes her way towards her son and pulls him into her side, pressing a kiss to his forehead. She glances over to you, “I’m gonna put him back to bed.” You nod and watch as she leads him back upstairs and towards his shared room with Cass.
You release a trembling breath, before you return to the kitchen, pulling up the news feed on your phone and setting it on the counter as you finish up the dishes. Sarah comes back down as you finish up the last dish and you share a nervous look with her. You listen anxiously as the reporter provides updates. Your heart thumps in your chest, the two of you standing incredibly still as you listen.
“Breaking news, millions of people reported to reappear in several countries!”
Your eyes widen and the air is forced from your lungs as your gaze snaps to the phone. The reporter struggles to keep up with the steadily growing number of people who seemed to be reanimated out of thin air. Your gaze snaps back to Sarah, both of you in such shock that words were impossible. Your trembling breath breaks the silence, and you move suddenly to pull her into a tight hug, both of you laughing in both disbelief and happiness. Tears stream from both your eyes and you’re both shaking slightly as the number of people reappearing increases. If people were coming back then that meant...
Sam.
-
It took forever to get a flight back to New York. Everyone was rushing to find their loved ones, so flights were sold out quickly. You managed to book a ticket a few days after the reappearance of billions of people. You hastily packed the things you had brought with you to Sarah’s and promised to bring Sam home when you found him.
Now, you tiredly climbed up the stairs of your apartment building, having just got off your flight a few hours ago, exhaustion tugging on every inch of your body. The happy reunions you saw at the airport replayed in your mind, and the hope that you would have that with Sam was all that kept you going.
As you stumble into your apartment you drop your bag on the floor with a thud, thankful to get the weight off your tired shoulders. You turn and close the door, making sure to lock it as you yawn.
“Did you really break a finger when you punched Steve?”
You whip around so quickly it makes you stagger, and your vision begins to spin. You blink a few times before it returns to normal and your gaze locks on Sam, who was sitting on your couch with his head tilted at you slightly as a playful smile formed on his lips. He stands with a wince and makes his way towards you, but you are frozen in place. You know it’s real, that he was really back, but a part of you still didn’t believe it.
“I thought I taught you how to hit better than tha-”
He’s cut off by your body crashing into his, a mixture of a laugh and a sob breaking past your lips. He grunts and his hands find your hips as he steadies you. He was real. His body is solid and warm as you crush him against you, your fingers on one hand twisting into the material of his shirt as you cling to him. Your other hand comes up to cover your mouth as your shoulders tremble with breathless cries.
Sam’s arms slip around your waist, and he tucks his head into the crook of your neck as sobs overtake him. Your breathing is quick and broken into hiccups and gasps, overwhelmed by the emotions that were crashing onto you. You pull away just enough to cup his face, your thumbs wiping the tears that rapidly fell from his eyes as best you could as your eyes roamed his face.
“Are you okay?” You question, your voice high and on the verge of breaking. He swallows thickly before he nods, but his eyebrows furrow together and his lips pull into a tight frown as another round of sobs wrack through his body.
Your vision blurs with fresh tears as you pull him down to you and hastily press your lips to his. Your kisses are sloppy and frantic, broken up by cries and whimpers and eventually trailing from his lips to kiss every inch of his face that you could reach.
“Baby-” He gasps through his tears, but you cut him off by pressing your lips to his again. When you start to pull away his lips chase yours and his hands come up to keep your head still as he kisses you deeply, his lips moving against yours slowly.
Your fingers dig into his shoulders and your muscles relax as your body melts into his. When he pulls away you’re both panting, your lips only inches apart and breath mixing. He nudges your nose with his before resting his forehead against yours, his hands still gripping your face.
You were still trying to catch your breath, your mouth opening and closing as you searched your brain for the words to say. “You’re safe,” you gasp out. “You’re with me, you’re safe now.”
-
The scent of salt water fills your senses, making you feel like home. Waves lap at the deck you’re sitting on, your legs hanging off the edge as you dip your feet in the water to help keep you cool. The taste of lemonade is tart on your tongue as you tilt your head towards the sun with a smile, enjoying the warmth against your skin. You were happy. For the first time in the last five years you were happy. The soothing sound of the ocean enough to make your eyes flutter shut and-
“STOP REVERSING!”
Your eyes open as laughter bursts from behind you. You hum, a lazy smile weaving onto your lips and you turn slightly to look over your shoulder. Sam, Sarah, Bucky, AJ, and Cass sat in a circle behind you, in the middle of a very intense game of Uno. It seems as though Cass and Bucky have formed some sort of alliance, and kept placing down reverse cards so Sam wouldn’t get a turn.
You bite your lip to hold back a laugh, as you watch as Bucky makes direct eye contact with Sam as he places down a red reverse. Fortunately, Cass didn’t have another reverse so he played a different card and the game resumed. Unfortunately, Sarah puts down a draw four and sends Sam an apologetic smile.
Sam’s head drops into his hands and he groans before reaching for the deck and taking four cards as the rest of the group stifles their giggles. You purse your lips as you lift your feet out of the water and stand, making your way over to the group. You place your hand gently on Sam’s shoulder and lean over to press a kiss to his temple.
“Can’t believe you have 15 cards…” You mumble teasingly against his skin before pulling away with a shit eating grin. Bucky snorts from across from him as Sam shoots you a playful glare. Before you know it, Sam has thrown down the cards in his hands and jumped to his feet. You squeal and take off down the deck as he chases after you, his laughter booming from his chest. He catches up to you easily, his arms wrapping around your waist and pulling you into chest tightly, and he litters your neck in kisses. You turn to face him, your arms draping around his neck as you steal a kiss from his lips. Safe in each other's arms. Where you should be.
