I think I can translate what’s being said here…
“Okay women,
"I don’t understand.
"You don’t want to make tortured small talk.
"You don’t want me to insist on following you to a potentially secluded second location.
"You don’t want to participate in woefully antiquated rituals of courtship built around the idea that, although you’re expected to resist at first, you will eventually give in. You know, the old-timey kind of rituals from far enough back where we use terms like "ladies” and “gentlemen,” but not so far back that I surrender any expectations of sex prior to marriage.
“Oh, by the way, I am capable of shocking violence. That’s not really germane to anything else I was saying I just wanted to insert it here as a misguided example of the depth of my devotion, while also managing to be super creepy and weird. Please don’t look at my casual inclusion of my willingness to commit acts of violence in a note condeming women for being suspicious of men as perpetrators of violence as an example of my emotional immaturity, because that’s a bit too PERFECTLY REASONABLE. Just put it in the stack of other examples of my emotional immaturity contained in this note. Like how my exasperation seems to be focused on specific people, but it’s applied to all ‘ladies.’ Or how my palpable disappointment with how there is no clear diagram for starting a romantic relationship makes me type out and tape up passive-aggressive notes to an entire gender of individuals.
"Disingenuous declaration of acceptance, followed by further exasperated generalization about women – I am very upset that you seem to be making assumptions about me based on my gender while I am engaged in precisely the same behavior. I guess I will continue to judge you and those you become involved with and ascribe any unhappiness I see to your bad decisions and your partner’s unworthiness in comparison to me. You know, like a mature person deserving an opportunity to date you –or alternately – like all of the other judgemental pricks you know that shit on everything and everyone and don’t understand why other people think they’re no fun to be around.
"I want you to know that when I see you get hurt I want to fix you. The concept that that might be incredibly condescending, that it robs you of your agency and fundamentally dismisses your intelligence escapes me completely. It also totally escapes me why you never turn to me when you’re hurt to hold your arms wide, before begging me to forgive you for never seeing me standing right in front of you the whole time.
"Give me a chance, because I’m a good guy, goddamnit! Nothing in this note offers evidence of that –right down to the BDSM-y black duct or electrical tape I used to post this note– but I insist that I am! I believe that I understand the intricacies of the noun love without getting that it’s a verb that requires intimacy, acceptance, forgiveness, and patience, and many other qualities that I am demonstrating that I am without by mansplaining that I’m frustrated with your inability to see how wonderful I am. I know that there are 'bad guys’ in the world that would crush the life out of you and you suspect that I might be one of them – because I use phrases like "crush the life out of” – but I’m not. I’m a condescending asshole who thinks that you’re as emotionally immature as he is, and that if you ignore those aspects of his personality that are demeaning, he can shelter you from the world he has proven that he does not understand.
“I will close this note by asking that if you know who I am that you to steer well clear of me and only interact with me in the future in public, well illuminated places because – in a startling moment of clarity – I see that the anger and self-delusion on display in this note could very well indicate a number of psychological red flags. I think that I deserve a number of things from women especially and I process disappointment and my feeling poorly. If you don’t know who I am, well, go ahead and assume that anyone with access to this location and pink printing paper is capable of bad things, and continue to display the suspicion of dudes I condemned earlier. That’s probably a sound course of action.”
