Writings in the Screen

Sam Smith risks it all by writing on the wall. I'm not doing the same mistake.

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My favorite situation by far: leaning into you.

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"I will take pictures for you" - G

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Officially a Bachelor of Arts in February, lost my dad in March, attended my commencement day in May, landed on my first job in June, had so much joy in December. And of course, accompanied by G all through the year. Thank you 2017.

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I always think that I'm far from common beauty standard. I don't have fair skin, and I'm gifted with a pair of chubby cheeks. Learning to accept my flaws was a long journey. One day I was okay with it, but another day I was frustrated because among my other friends in a frame, I had the biggest face. When he came along, I re-learnt that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". To him, I am beautiful. Out of the blue when I messily digged in mac and cheese at a coffee shop, he stared at me and said that I was beautiful it's funny that I didn't realize it. This photo was taken by him on the day of our first anniversary. I had more pictures in which I thought I looked better. But to his eyes, this girl with messy thin hair and awkward smile was pretty. So I started to see her that way.

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A reason to always love December, rain, and Christmas. Happy anniversary, baby🎄

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Heaven is a place on earth with you, G 💜

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On the last Tuesday morning

2017//11//14

Jakarta was not sunny today. Like I always do every morning, I ordered a Go-Jek to drive me to work. Today was no exception. I put my order at 7.40ish, and the driver came to pick me up in front of my dorm faster than it usually would. One tiny detail that I was grateful for as it did not take much time for me to be nervous about coming late to work.

I stepped out of my dorm when I noticed the weather today was cloudy. It was only cold breeze and slight hint of dark cloud without any drops of rain. My kind of perfect cloudy. On the usual mornings, I would arrive all sweaty as the humidity is starting to rise at 8am. The gas emission from the disarray lines of vehicles is also not helping.

But today was different. The traffic was still busy, but it took me less than 5 minutes to pass Kuningan - Mampang intersection. As a comparison, the average duration would be 10 to 15 minutes. But there was one time when I ran out of luck, so I got stuck there for almost 30 minutes.

I arrived at the office at 8.05 AM, Twenty five minutes before the business hour began. I called my boyfriend after bypassing the metal detector and then walked inside the lobby. My office was located at the 25th floor to which I had the privilege to enjoy Jakarta skyline from the altitude with a cup of hot tea in my hand. It was a good day.

If I could choose my last day in this world, it would be on a nice day like this: when the traffic was not as crazy, when the universe seemed to wish me a good morning and when sitting at the office felt somewhat peaceful. So that maybe, just maybe, I would want to prolong my life a little longer for another fine morning like this.

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2017//11//11

papa, dont hate me.

i dont call mama as often. mama makes me sad. she would talk about all the hardships and how lonely she felt after you left. i cant talk to mama for more than 30 minutes without tears forming in my eyes. i asked mama to leave the town, to get closer to her siblings so she wouldnt feel lonely. but mama said she couldnt leave you there alone. mama said who would come to visit papa if mama wasnt there? masdon and i are too far from papa. masnok will likely to work abroad again soon. no one will cut the wild grass and sweep the fallen leaves away for papa when papa used to make our garden clean. i am so sorry for not thinking thoroughly. i only think for myself: to make me feel less worried about mama; or, to put it bluntly, to make myself feel less guilty when i'm enjoying my life.

i finally land on my first full time job, pa. too late, i know. i shouldve done it sooner, so i could buy papa a new pair of loafers. i wanted to get papa an expensive watch, as papa never had one. i wanted to thank papa on the father's day for stopping by school when i forgot my tumbler. thank you for picking up my phone call at 3am during my transition period to uni when no one else would. thank you for spoiling me. i was so shameless and ungrateful to compare you to other people's father. i hate myself for hating youre getting old and sick. i regret it all.

i remember that one day when i was in elementary school. you stood there from my school fence, looking at me proudly when my name was called as the top scored student. or that satisfaction face when you were able to buy me stuff i didnt need but i forced to have. i also remember your sad and disappointed look when i made decisions the opposite of the values you taught me. i remember your face when we were singing together 18 years ago, and when you breathe your last air at the hospital. i remember it all.

will you be mad at me if you see what ive become now? do you even see me now? are you watching over me? over us?

my lecturer told me that there is this hollywood psychic named tyler henry. he said that when people die, they dont leave this world. their body rot but the soul remains. i dont know which one is true: tyler henry or the islamic teaching that i grew up with. i hope it's henry's. that way, papa wont be held accountable for whatever sin i commit in this world.

if youre watching over me, as i told you, you must know that i now have a full-time job. the job that i was dreaming of: corporate world in a big city's skyscraper. surprise surprise! it is far from magical. but i intend to survive. i'll take care of mama and akbar. i'll keep mama pretty for papa as i bought her skincare routine. i also took your place to buy her furniture. even though with six-month installment. well, you gotta walk before you run, right?

papa dont have to worry, i still remember my promise to get mama the range she desired. you know, that stove with oven underneath? i will make sure to buy that for her later.

papa please dont hate me.

i now have someone that i love very dearly and who loves me in return. he cares and protects me even when he's far away from me. dont hate me because i call him more often than i call mama, please? he makes me happy while mama makes me sad. im too selfish, and i shouldnt even try to defense myself for it. i know.

papa, my birthday is getting closer. i'm almost 23 and i havent done anything about it. i'm so sorry. please dont hate me because apparently i am not as smart as i thought i was in high school. i have yet to go abroad. my toefl score was so-so. i dont know where i'll be in five years. please dont hate me for my failure to meet your expectation.

for not being the daughter you were hoping for, and for taking the decision you least expected, please forgive me.

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2017//04//25. Those days I feel like surrender

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2017//04//24

It's been almost two months since the last time I saw papa. During the period, I only dreamt about him once. It was a sunny afternoon. He was standing at our porch, looking at the busy road across our house. I came over him excitedly from inside the house. I called him, and in a second, he turned his face to me. I finally saw papa's face again. He was fleshy. His face was bright. Like he used to 3 years ago. I threw him a joke that I, even after I woke up from my dream, found it hard to consider it as a joke. But papa smiled anyway. As if the string of illogical words were funny enough to him. He put his hand on my head and gently stroked it. The smile was still hanging on his lips until tears started forming in his eyes. My old man cried. I hugged him. In my dream, I knew he wasn't here anymore, so I assured him that I was okay. I am okay. And I will be okay. Papa knows that.

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u just can’t be replaced // gnash ft rosa beales

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On Recent Self Realization

2016//08//11.

Apparently, you can't afford having high pride when you're broke.

You never knew the value of things you took for granted until you lost it.

Family is everything. Call them regularly.

Pray. You can't tell your friends everything even though they are the nicest people in the world.

It's okay not to feel okay. It's okay to cry. You need to loosen up a little bit.

Making someone your first priority sucks. You teach them that you come second.

You can't change or fix anyone. You accompany and support them to be better.

If you think you can't handle it, leave it.

Conceal, don't feel. It takes time but you'll get there. You'll be okay. Remember that you don't have room for romance now.

The heart wants what it wants, but the brain sure knows how to control it. Go for brain.

Expect less in life, but never stop trying.

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2015//12//20

“Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.” - Franz Kafka

Greetings!

(Ok first, I wrote this entry on Dec 20th last year but I never posted it because I wanted to make it perfect. I come to realize the more I aim for it, the more it runs away from me. The fact that it took 4 good months to finally post this pretty much an example and a wake up call for me. YAZZ do you get it?? I have a lot to say later after this one)

Last Tuesday on 151215 I had a blast birthday ever remarking the entering of my journey to the legal age. I couldn’t ask for better companion to spend the night with. I mean, this is the very why you need to have at least two best friends who were voluntarily willing to waste their time preparing for your birthday surprise, and with no second thought, ditched piles of assignments on the table. I could not thank them enough for all the hardwork they put into the event, really. I know it’s been our habit to throw a surprise, but seriously, considering my birthday was in the middle of goddamn hectic final week, I actually wished they wouldn’t do that much. When I said that much, I mean THAT much.

Here’s basically what I got for my birthday:

- a birthday surprise! I don’t really fancy going out so they are quite nice to keep it simple at our dorm xixi luvv achy manda mamih muti for preparing everythinggg

- i got a loooot of stuff from achy and amanda: first, a cross-body bag (which i really love guyss been looking for one in that color!), a necklace of my fav color gold!, an apology box (which contains hearts made of origami they instruct me to open one for every time i feel like mad at them… And so far i only opened one!), a trash bin! (Lmao cause i never had one for my own i guess they hate it that i kept throwing my garbage at theirs), a birthday card (which i got every year yayyy), and here’s the best part: they made me a scrapbook! You can take a glimpse at it, i only share one tiny page here where i’m the cinderella, achy is the belle, and amanda is the aurora mihihih. Super love it because it basically tells our journey since day 1 we decided to hang out together. This also contains some very personal secrets of mine so i’m not showing you any more than that one cute little page :3. Thaaankyouuu sooo muchhhosss galss Me gustas tu💕💕💕💕💕

- the gang also came that nite they even brought me some presents which are quite ‘meaningful’ since they put quite a ‘religious reasons’ behind each one of the present. As expected from the dudes ☺️☺️☺️. They gave me one congklak (that green board with a lot of holes), one jumping rope (they totally know i am into working out!!), and one-lol-tally counter (people here usually use it for religious purpose) how very thoughtful of them💝💝 💝 once again thankyouu ghifar, olfath, and bimo

- to my surprise, few days later my kkn friends also came! Totally didnt expect this one because they’re all been busy at that time. Huhuhu thankyouu ka ical thank you mindyy thank you odett. Was so touched and sooo happyyy. Basically it’s a wrap surprise for achy, manda, odet and i hihi. And ah i got a handy starb**** tumbler from ka ical how very nice of him 🤗🤗🤗

- before the day i went home to Prabumulih, i also got one present from one of my dorm mates, kak eca! She knocked my door early in the morning before my departure only to give me a beautiful silky dark blue scarf. Thankyouu kak ecaa😘😘😘

- last but not least, sinta (my friend since high school and forever) also gave me a wallet! She didnt manage to give it to me before the semester break so yeah i just got my hand on it in february. I’ve been thinking about buying a new one since i never changed mine since my first year of college but surprisingly she bought one for me instead huhuhu she’s a sweetheart❤️💜💚💙💘

Despite the amount of presents i got from my friends, i come to a realisation that i do have people who actually care about me. In my hard time, this will always be a constant reminder that i do have people to whom i can lean on. So once again to all of you guys who made the time (as in physically showed up, or leaving me thoughtful birthday messages both in social medias and private msg) despite hectic finals and schedule and all that, i truly appreciate it! Thankyouuu i’m happy beyond measure❣hope that all of ur kind wishes for me also come right back at you💖

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2016//01//07.

I had a pretty good laugh catching up with these two! We were once assigned in the same class during our second year of high school where both uti and i agree it was the best year we had in high school. As for the dude, well, his opinion doesn’t really matter cause girls rule the convo! Lol sorry not sorry~

Reunion keyword: do you remember when… (and the rest is just history😙)

Xoxo,

A❤️

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Escape 101: Chick-flicks marathon

2015//12//10.

Movie marathon on one fine day is my humble definition of happiness. For the genre, my taste varies from fantasy disney movie to scifi space exploration. But yes like everybody else I also have one favorite genre that always wins. In my I-want-to-spend-the-day-curling-up-inside-my-blanket time, or damn-it-period-cramps-kill-me time, watching girls having the time of their life is a pure bliss somehow. Heheh obviously I am a sucker for chick-flicks!

And now since I have nothing to do (nothing = 1 research method paper, 1 semiotics paper, 1 diplomacy paper, all deadlines on the next Thursday. Nah, nothing.) I’ll list down my favorite chick-flicks because I’m nice like that. Hope this will help you out of boredom. Ok here goes the list! (Not in numbering order cause I’m bad at deciding which one is better and all that)

- Mean Girls This one is always my pick when I literally have nothing to watch😂. I mean who doesn’t love Rachel McAdams as the mean queenbee? Wait, what? If you don’t, then “you can’t sit with us!”

- Sex and the City Love and label is not everything this movie offers! Prepare yourself watching the most glamorous friendship of your 4 favourite new yorkers.

- Trainwreck Amy Schumer is a journalist with drinking problem who doesn’t believe in monogamous relationship. Speaking of bad gal gone good kind of story but this one is ten times better ‘cause it’s Amy Schumer, whaddup?

- Clueless My all time favorite 90’s chick-flicks movie! Ps. young Paul Rudd is the co-star. You can thank me later.

- 10 Things I Hate About You Modern version of Shakespeare’s play Taming the Shrew. Tell me where else to see The Joker a.k.a. Heath Ledger sings Can’t Take My Eyes Off You?

- High School Musical I know I’m disgusting but at some point of your life, you are a part of a fandom and one of mine is HSM because “high school musical who says we have to let it go it’s the best part we’ve ever known~~~“

- Legally Blonde You have beauty pageant type of body, you’re pretty, you’re blonde, you’re rich, you’re smart, you’re strong-willed, and you’re lucky. Life couldn’t get any better for Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde.

- The D.U.F.F. Designated Ugly Fat Friend. There is always one friend in your clique who is less pretty and more approachable, to whom inconsiderate dudes come first when they set their eyes on the hotter friend. I. Can. Totally. Relate.

- The Holiday Jude Law. That’s all you need to know. Because that’s enough.

- Valentine’s Day Love is about the right person in the right time. We’re talking about Ashton Kutcher’s failed engagement to Jessica Alba, Anne Hathaway’s blind dates, and several other adorable love stories. Psst… Bradley Cooper is on the list!

- Friends With Benefit This one is a classic friendship turn into relationship story. But they don’t only sell you a story. They sell you a New York! (and Justin Timberlake, and Mila Kunis, and the hilarious jokes, and the flashmob-uh I love flashmob)

- No Strings Attached Still with fwb going further story but we have Aston Kutcher and Natalie Portman here as our lovebirds. Totally worth watching!

- He’s Just Not That Into You Are you stuck in a relationship that doesn’t go anywhere? Or do you ever feel so weird that your blind date don’t call you again after the dinner? Well, ladies, stop running from reality ‘cause you actually know the answer but you just refuse to believe. He’s just not that into you.

- Crazy Stupid Love Love stories revolve around a family. Not gonna lie, but the highlight is obviously Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.

- Easy A Emma Stone is a smart, kind, and stubborn girl who implements the story “Scarlett Letter” in her life after being trapped in a seemingly never ending gossip in her school.

- Flipped A heartwarming movie about 13 year olds who experience their first love. Set in the year of 60’s this movie somehow makes me imagine my grandpa says “this is how I met your granny” to me. Lol.

- Ever After This one is my favourite movie adaptation of Cinderella. The throne used to be Hillary Duff’s A Cinderella Story’s.

- Definitely, Maybe I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE RYAN REYNOLD AS MY DAD AND I WOULD NOT QUESTION HIS LOVE FOR MY MOM (you know I’m joking, right?)

- The Proposal Ryan Reynold as Sandra Bullock’s fake fiancé. A complete package for your weekend😊

- Two Weeks Notice I wouldn’t file my two weeks notice if Hugh Grant was my demanding boss. But I ain’t no Sandra Bullock so it kinda makes sense.

- The Ugly Truth No matter how smart and successful you are, if you don’t pay attention to your looks, or if you don’t know how you act in front of the opposite gender, you’re gonna die alone. That’s the ugly truth. But don’t worry, Gerard Butler the womanizer will guide your way out of it.

- Pretty Woman Finding one true love while working is everyone’s dream. But again, if you’re not Julia Robert don’t ever think you’re gonna get your Richard Gere while running a prostitute business in hollywood avenue.

- Sidney White I love sorority sisters and I love cute guys and that’s pretty much why I love Sidney White.

I think this is all for today. Still have list of chick-flicks waiting for me to watch, so apparently I’ll update the list if I find another fun movies. And yeah if you notice, all the movies above are more into comedy than drama because I prefer watching movies that have happy-ending-guaranteed label heheh. Have a nice December!

Xoxo,

A❤️