Atasteofchocolate @atasteofchocolates - Tumblr Blog

So … I just found out I’m pregnant.

A bit earlier then I had thought in my last post. Let me break the year down.

I came off the pill in January, and I had a rough couple of months with my anxiety. I really struggled. But I was able to work through it. We were able to enjoy the first half of the year, we saw Raye, Lewis Capaldi, did a road trip to the Lakes and Edinburgh. Celebrated our mums 60ths, hosted my family for Easter, Bob had his stag do and we had his mates wedding last weekend. We went to a comedy festival. Mostly completed our bedroom to make it spa vibes and just had a general, mostly stress free first half of 2026.

However, what I didn’t expect was how coming off the pill was going to me be even more broody, if that’s even possible. But I knew I wanted the first half of this year to be baby free, we had so much fun stuff planned. But with each luteal phase, the wish for a baby got worse, Liv got closer to her due date. I had a few rough cycles, long ones where I panicked something was wrong with me and what if I can’t have kids. Baby Mason arrived early June and we had a ‘near miss’ my cycle ended up being 45 days long, and when I thought I was due my period, so no need for protection, turns out was the weekend I ovulated. So I spent the following two weeks in a state of anxiety looking for symptoms and signs, being introduced to the world of TTC took about 3 pregnancy tests all negative and decided, this is something I need now. So we decided after Mason was born, it was out Month to start trying.

And I don’t mean trying as intense as some people. I didn’t temperature track, we didn’t have sex everyday for the week, I didn’t take ovulation tests. But I assumed my last cycles were long due to illness and this one would go back to a normal 28 days. So day 13 rolled around, I think we were intimate two nights in a row, I had signs of ovulation, fertile CM, some ovulation twinges and thought we’ve got this spot on! The following two weeks were intense. I felt sick, I felt anxious. I was a wreck. The week of my expected period rolls around, I take several tests all negative, at this point I cry because I want a baby, everyone around me seems to have conceived first try, this is technically our second go, and nothing. I get pains and think I’m about to get my period. I submit. The next day we have a lovely day, I wear a dress I liked and we went to Clark’s village. A girl in the body shop said she loved my dress and another agreed. I’ve never been complimented on my clothes by a stranger before. I also got a few freebies in some of the shops and the perfume I wanted for my birthday was in stock. I remember saying to Bob, I feel like it’s been such a positive day and everything seems to be going my way, it was strange almost. Anyway we were intimate that night. Just cause we felt like it and it was natural. The next morning I woke up with more cramping. But this time I could tell it felt like severe ovulation pains. I’d had no blood or signs of a period, and I checked again and this time found a load of CM. I remember that morning I saw a robin. Which I often link to my passed nan and grandad and I had a dream that night of putting a baby girl to sleep. A quick google assured me that this was a strong ovulation and my body didn’t actually ovulate on day 14 and we had infect timed things perfectly. I remember saying to Bob I feel we’ve been given a second chance this cycle. Anyway first week of the TWW went by and I didn’t over think it. Then the Friday night, our anniversary I got some period back ache, about a week too early for my now suspected period. And I said to Bob, I have back ache, I’m trying not to get my hopes up. As I was aware this could be implantation cramping. We had a Chinese and a fortune cookie said ‘you will receive good news in spring’ which we didn’t think much of. Anyway Monday rolled around and I got sore boobs. Usually I get sensitive nipples, but this was sore, like when you pull a muscle sort of pain. I didn’t really have any other symptoms other then I had a few nights of broken sleep. I decided to test 9DPO. Knowing I was setting myself up for failure because it would be too early, but what if I was one of those people! So I took the test, didn’t wait to look and got on with a teams call, an hour later I went upstairs to look and BAM, pregnant. I told my hairstylist Cassi, who was great and gave me a call. I was in total shock, I just stood there shaking. I paced the garden and the house, I stared and stared at it. I stared at a blank laptop screen thinking A. How am I meant to work the rest of the day and B, how am I meant to sit 5 hours to tell Bob.

Anyway, I did and Bob was great, no nerves just smiles. He thinks it’ll be a girl, but I have been so anxious ever since. Anxious because how on earth am I pregnant, I could never imagine this is being me. It feels like im living a lie. But also what if it doesn’t last? I am 3.5 weeks, what if I early miscarry? It’s like I panic that I’m pregnant and I panicked about loosing the pregnancy. I just can’t win. I told my friend Paige tonight and we spent the whole dinner chatting about it, which was fun, but it still felt like we weren’t talking about me, or we were talking hypothetically as I have done so many times. I keep saying to Bob IF we have a baby, rather then when the baby arrives, I just can’t help it. I came home from the dinner and had another wave of overwhelm.

Like this is something I really wanted, and still want. Like when I went on the pregnancy app and skipped a few weeks and you could hear what the heart beat would sound like I nearly cried. And when it started sinking in and I thought of raising a beautiful healthy child in such a settled warm environment I felt emotional, like a deeper healing. Yet it’s almost too big of a picture to look at. I saw a video of April baby’s. Where it goes through how you will have a little bump at Halloween nd be able to eat all the sweets, and me nearly in the 3rd trimester with a lovely bump at Christmas and welcoming the baby in time for the flowers to bloom in spring and was like I can’t believe how lucky I am for this timing, yet if I think too long I’m overwhelmedz

I think I just needed to get this all out really. I feel like I’m living a lie. I hope it all sinks in soon. And I hope this pregnancy is healthy, and goes easy on me … please

2026…

Going into this year, I just wanted to enjoy it. We’ve had a few years of massive goal setting, achieving and working damn hard. I want to enjoy what we have created and earned this year. Enjoy our home through the seasons, spend more time together without a to do list, enjoy time with our friends and families.

And this is all still the case but I have been fighting an inward battle with myself since my niece was born nearing four years ago. And that’s the wish to have a baby of my own. We appear to be surrounded by children now. Okay, that might be slightly extreme. But I have some primal ache within when I’m around children in my family circle. My niece is three and a half, what an angel, every time I’m around her I ache for a daughter of my own. Our friends have a one year old son, an angel! Makes me want a son. And now Liv is having her baby in May, and my god I just want one.

But I know that is not what the first half of this year holds for us. I genuinely do want to just pause and enjoy what we have. We have a few house goals, sure, we’d like the drive done, we’d like to redo our bedroom and make it a spa like haven, maybe the garden could use some TLC. But nothing massive. We have some exciting things this year, two concerts, both our mums 60th birthdays, maybe a staycation in the mix. I want to enjoy it. But I also cannot dull the ache.

But I can’t fall pregnant on the pill, so I have made the massive jump after nearly 8 years of the pill to come off. This is supported by Bob. And my reasoning is I have wanted to come off the pill for about two years, I have had symptoms, itchy skin, low libido, and moods flattened. I don’t feel any highs or low lows, I’m just meh. And I want to find all this again. I think knowledge of women’s bodies and cycles is so much wider now then when I was a teen, the different stages, how I may think or feel within them even down to how we perceive ourselves at different points in our cycles, I just want that. I want some explanation, being able to link how I think or feel to my cycle. I am on day 5 and I must admit, it is harder than I thought coming off. I have had aches and cramps, front and back, headaches, nausea, dizziness the lot and it’s hard. But I’m hoping to come out the other end soon.

I think we have agreed for now that we will let Liv have her baby and then reassess. So we can have our concerts, our staycation, celebrate the birthdays and enjoy the new seasons. Bob can go self employed and my body can settle into its natural rhythm and then come summer we can think about how we feel, and if we want to let nature take its course.

Who knows, there could be a baby bump in the picture come Christmas ‘27. But we will see.

In the mean time I’m going to give myself grace, enjoy becoming me again and see where 2026 takes me.

10 years of my account. I’m so glad I set this up at 14, now as a 24 year old I can see so many highs and lows of my life I never would remember otherwise

It’s December ‘25 and oof what a year is has been. Extreme highs and extreme lows. I thought I would list the biggies.

- We lost Winterhay Lane, the house we thought was destined to be ours… the sellers pulled out of the onward chain. We gave them 2 months but they never found another. Thankfully we found a wildcard that we were able to buy instead.

- Feb was an intense month, not only did we find out the sell fell through on the 1st, and I sobbed, because of this, I ended up speeding and getting caught for the first time! My Nan passed on the 14th, and I think with all the stress I wasn’t thinking properly and crashed my car into a poll at the gas station. That was a hefty £1.2K bill.

- We found our wildcard in March, a full Reno project, price was top of our budget, but the potential, location and my god the views were too good to pass up. We put in our offer which was accepted 1st April and we got the keys on the 30th May. The stress of everything over 9 months lead me to become physically unwell the week we got the keys, it’s a stress I hope to never go through again.

- We then embarked on a 4 month intense Reno, back to brick. We had two weeks of Reno before we moved in. No Kitchen, no hot water, no carpets. Our bed was on floor boards, kitchen was an air fryer and microwave, washing up was done in the bathtub. We were covered in dust and paint, argued an awful lot but we made it though and now we have a beautiful home. Still a few changes to go, but I couldn’t be prouder of us.

- Keira passed a few days before my birthday, and this was one of the hardest parts of the year. She was always my dog, we had her for a few nights before she passed. I was there with her when they put her to sleep, she went peacefully and I’m glad she had me there. We took her home and buried her in the garden.

- I’ve continued to make friends this year, continuing a friendship made in ‘24 and reconnecting with another. Also spending time with bobs friends more too

- my aunty passed of cancer early December, so we had the funeral close to Christmas.

- Finally, Bob and I got engaged, and we got to spend the first Christmas in our first home.

The last year has been so up and down. My main goal for next year is to have a nothing year. Nothing too big or bad, no big changes, more boundaries, less stress. We are spending the 2nd at Bath Spa, a very fancy hotel as an engagement gift to ourselves. I intend to start as I mean to go on.

We have lots going on next year, two concerts, bobs sisters baby in June, both our mums 60th and his best mates wedding. We may go on a staycation with Brandi at some point.

I want to focus more on food and movement, I started this before Christmas, but everything sort of goes out the window this time of year. I lost 2KGs and hope to continue this. I want to focus on less take outs, and more movement such as walks - we live in such a lovely area, walking to the next town, down the cycle path or into our own town- and yoga. I get a lot of pain in my legs and I believe it’s tightness in my hamstrings from stress.

Mum has moved back to Weston, and I hope to keep more boundaries, 1 or 2 calls a week. A visit once a month or so. I think it’ll do me good.

Overall, we just want a lovely in between year. We may look to start a family next year, so we want to enjoy our home, and being an engaged couple while we can.

Please 2026, be so so kind.

Dear Nan,

Happy heavenly birthday. The first one without you.

I hope you’re having a good time, say hi to grandad and Ryan for me. I’m sorry we didnt tell you about Ryan, but I hope you can understand why.

On this day last year was the last time we spoke. And I am saddened that I cannot remember what exactly we said, if I had known it was the last time I know I wouldve said more. We’d just had our offer accepted on Winterhay Lane and I rung mum to tell her, she was with you and alongside wishing you a happy birthday, we told you about my achievement. I know you were proud deep down, even though it was hard for you to remember who I was.

You’ll be happy to know we did move into a house, although not that one. It was the most challenging time of my life so far, going through the process. I’m angry it took away from you, but I know you’d be glad I had something to distract me. We are about 70% done with the Reno now. Over half way! It nearly broke us, I must admit. But I’m happy to say we are over the worst of it, and have both settled in. I wish you could see all the hard work we’ve done.

Bobs nan got us a moving in card, her words and hand writing looked like yours, I sobbed. It caught me off guard, I didn’t expect to cry. But I wished it was in fact a card from you, and the realisation that it never would be … well I was off the rest of the night.

I’m such a different person now to the girl you knew, the last year alone has changed me in an extreme way. Just looking back on the version of me that spoke to you feels crazy. She feels like a stranger. I’ve aged… for sure.

Just want you to know you’re always on my mind. Send me signs whenever you can, I’m always looking for them.

Loves ya x

I think this house might break us.

We’ve been in this house for a month now and it’s been nothing like how I imagined. I think I was pretty open minded about the work that needed doing and the time it would take. But what I didn’t expect was how miserable, vulnerable and uncomfortable I would feel. I feel like our relationship is on a downward spiral. I always knew the traits of him were there, the quick temper, OCD tendencies, the need for perfection with no sense of patience. But it’s increased by a thousand.

He doesn’t stop, he always has to do something, meaning he’s tired, he’s hungry, he’s not getting to bed till late, not spending time with me. His work on the house makes him angry, there isn’t a task he doesn’t grunt at and call a cunt. If I ask him to do anything minor, I get the look… potentially also a grunt and. A huff as he does it. I feel like he hates me. We argue all the time, and the word hate has started coming into my mind more than I’d like. Times where I think I’m starting to hate you. And this can come up more than the feeling of love. I don’t know the last time we kissed, hugged properly, did anything couple like. Any time I try, try to convince him to come settle early, he just goes on his phone for hours. I arranged for us to go to the beach this weekend, on the way there he saw his mum had washed his car god forbid and that was it. I knew what he’d be like. I asked for us to turn around and go home, after all he was driving. But he didn’t, he turned the radio off, continued to beat the van up with harsh excelleration and breaking calling every driver a twat. I didn’t feel safe in that car. I wanted to get out. But he insisted we still go to the beach as he called his mum a cunt and expressed his wish to slash her tyres. It’s not surprising that we didn’t enjoy our time at the beach, only for him a few hours later to have calmed down and to have spoke on to his mum in the phone like nothing happened. All I wanted was some us time, maybe he’d hold my hand, give me a cuddle. Inside I got anger. The same as I’d gotten for weeks previous.

He hasn’t enjoyed any of the process. I’ve had times painting, music on, sunset, church bells ringing where I’ve thought god I’ve done it, this is mine… I don’t think he’s had a moment like that since we got the keys.

He also keeps leaving things everywhere, saying I’ve had a lot on anytime I ask, why didn’t you confirm with your friend when he’d be round, why didn’t you throw the oranges out when you thought they were bad, why didn’t you leave all your coffee cups in the bowl for me to clean. And that’s not fair. Yes he’s doing thr hard bits of renovating the house, but I’m the one keeping us going. I’m the one getting our food shop, sorting dinners, washing up on the knees in front of the bath tub, taking our clothes to our parents to wash, walking Brandi and getting decorating done in the house. But I get treated like it’s nothing and all he does is come home and point out all the spots I’ve missed.

It’s infuriating.

So I think that’s it for 12 winterhay lane.

After 6.5 months, 6 weeks of waiting, I think it’s over.

Over vendors have still not found anywhere to live. And although we spoke about hanging on until we find something else, I just don’t think I can do that any longer. I understand Bob, and I understand the reason he is being so difficult with viewings, picking things apart, not letting us view things is because he is comparing to winterhay, wanting to hold out for it, I’m the same. I don’t want to like anything else in the hopes that maybe this Sunday will be different and they will say they’ve had an offer accepted. That for 6 weeks that’s not come. It’s all I think about, every Thursday friday and Saturday wondering if they’ve viewed something they like, if this week will be different. But it never is. Since the new year I have been all consumed by it, first about if the renegotiation was complete and now is they have found somewhere they like. I’m not living anymore, it’s causing stress on mine and bobs relationship. We both want it so bad. But you can’t help but think if it was meant to be, as we’ve been convinced it is, then why would it be this hard.

So we’ve asked they reduce the price down to asking, and we will hold on for 4 more weeks. I don’t know what to say if the declined, which I think they will. They’ve not compromised at all during this process. First, making us wait over a week when we made our initial offer, then sending it to best and final. When the chain broke, they said moving into rented wasnt sn option. I know this isn’t true, they are making over 100K on the sale of their house, they have no pets, no children, nothing to make renting out the question. They simply don’t want to. But they also want to find the right house and apparently none of the 9 they’ve seen are any good, not even good enough to make an offer. So what, are we just expected to sit here patiently, paying more then we’d wanted for a house that apparently they don’t really want to sell.

The main positive from our meeting with them was an agreement of a weekly update from them on the progress, which they now want to stop and go back to communicating via the estate agent. I feel this is because they don’t want to take accountability or face that they are messing us about. Funny thing is, he said they’re qualified to communicate which they def aren’t, but she hadn’t even spoken to them about our wish to reduce the price which I spoke to her about this morning.

I just don’t see how this can forward. Likewise, I don’t wish to loose 3k on expenses already paid. Plus, I honestly feel it is the best house in our price range and I don’t know if anything else will match. Plus the market so far has been dead this year,

Universe, just tell me what to do.

March / spring refresh

I’ve decided I need to start living. I’ve been living in a state of limbo for so long, I’ve stopped living my life, being fixated on the future.

March is my new year, the start of spring and new beginnings. I may be expecting too much of myself but I want to try and do the following over the next month.

Firstly, I’d like to cut down on my Rightmove addiction. I often find myself in a hole trying to find something, anything that could work for us. I’ve deleted it off my phone and need to try and not use it on the web. I’ve got the app on my iPad and want to set myself 2 days a week where I can sit down and have a look. I’d like this to be a Tuesday and Thursday. Then if anything comes up I like, we can view on the weekend.

I’d like to spend less time on my phone, I still have a book to finish and my paint by numbers. I’d like to reach for those during times where I feel like my phone is my lifeline. I often reach for it in times of stress and I’d like to change that.

I’d like to feel more grateful for where I am now. Take note of the scenery, the sounds the change of season. I know I feel trapped here currently, but I need to remind myself I won’t be here forever, and to take in every moment as one day I know I’ll miss it.

To eat more, better food. I want to each proper meals, ensure I am eating more fruit and veg in order to stop snacking and to give myself more energy in the day.

This leads to wanting to move more. I’d like to do more weights if possible. I would like to do 2 weighted work outs, 1 Pilates workout and then on the other days to do a mindfulness, yoga session.

I’m hoping this will have benefits, let’s see if I can do it.

Needing something to hold on to.

2025 has not been the friendliest. I thought things were going better, I hadn’t been unwell at all unlike last year where I was constantly unwell, not myself and just feeling like I’d had enough.

But this year…

In the past 2/3 weeks I have found out we aren’t moving into our house anytime soon, if at all. Got caught speeding for the first time in 4 years and now need to pay £100 to book a speed awareness course. I then decided to reverse into a pole damaging my passenger side which will cost me between £800 to £1,000 to repair. THEN on Valentines my nan died… I have been constantly crying, feeling overwhelmed and that the world has it in for me. I actually feel fear about what else is going to happen next.

I’d hoped some good news would arrive today, it’s Sunday and the day our vendors update us on their house viewing journey, they’d viewed one and didn’t like it… will it ever end.

So, I thought I would try and convince myself that better things are ahead. It’s nearly spring, and I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’ve had my years worth of shit and can spend the rest of the year enjoying my life and trying to recover from February.

We go to Edinburgh the week after next and I’m hoping that will bring some much needed distraction from reality. I’m also hoping, but am not so sure anymore, that by the time we return from Edinburgh we will have somewhere to stand with the house. Either they’ve found somewhere or we find something we like just as much and can move forward. Although I would like to see March as a fresh start, it’s not really. I have my car booked in the first week to be repaired, and that will be a very financially painful week. I will likely also have my nans funeral that week.

I am also aware that funerals can set me back mentally, and my anxiety runs high. But I’m hoping my goals, in setting up for spring may help.

It’s the same old same old really. I am contemplating changing my hours back to 9-5. I’d like more of a morning routine and although no one usually contacts me at 8:30, I’d like to not have that anxiety.

I would like to go on longer walks, have time for breakfast if I fancy, a morning shower if I’d like. Just have a bit more time on some mornings to wake up and start the day. Get the household chores done to start the day, things like that.

I would like to get back into my movement, Pilates or yoga, walking a bit more. I’m hoping for dryer days so I can take Brandi in the fields. Bob being home when it’s like so we can walk her together.

Who knows what the rest of the year holds. But I’m still holding out for it to be a good one… pretty please.

It’s not fair…

There is a video sound going around at the moment of a woman hysterically screaming it’s not fair. And that’s the sound I hear constantly.

My last post was trying to focus on the positives, but if I’m being honest, it’s hard to focus on them. So I’m going to talk about how I really feel.

I’m angry, and I struggle to process that emotion. I’m angry because someone else’s life is showing me point blank what I never had, and will never have.

Bobs sister is buying a house. And I should be happy for her. And if perhaps circumstances were different, maybe if she was older, maybe if she paid her way, saved money herself, had a taste of the real world I would feel happy for her. But she hasn’t.

She is 21. She got a job at 19 working at her dad’s cheese factory and decided to stay there. She wanted to be a paramedic, but chose the easy option. Bob tries to talk her out of staying, saying how it’s dead ended, doesn’t use her brain etc. and I agree with that. But because her dad works there, she’s had many a promotion and is nearly on my salary already, at a cheese factory!

I used to feel hard done by when Bob used to tell me he would pay £40 a month to his parents, mainly for his phone bill. How his parents went half on his first car. Because I had to pay £260 a month, plus food shopping, toiletries, my phone, my car monthly payments because I couldn’t afford a down payment, and my insurance which was over £1,000 at 19 years old.

So I feel even more angry that his sister had never paid a penny. Not for rent, not for food, not her car, as it was bobs old one. Nothing. She’s been earning a very decent wage, and not paid a penny. And worse, her boyfriend who also earns a decent amount has also never contributed anything.

I feel life for her has been too easy, parents who don’t charge, who clean everything for her, even her car if she hasn’t washed it for months on end. Parents who have given her the ability to save an extortionate amount of money for a 21yr old. It feels even more unfair that a guy approached her nearly two years ago saying she is the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen, broke up with his current girlfriend and then got a massive inheritance 18 months later which she gets to enjoy.

When they talk about things they want to buy for their house it’s always ‘well we have the money’. And the issue is, that’s very true, they still won’t get the stress of bills and responsibilities because they have a massive amount of money remaining that they can lean on in times of need. Never having to worry about money.

How come life is so easy for her.

Even with my contribution at home, I had to move out at 20. Mum decided she wanted to live with her new boyfriend so out the door I went. Don’t get me wrong, I love our little rental, even though it’s slowly falling apart, and I feel I have grown with bob, but if we could have lived at home, saved harder and faster, don’t you think I would have. But I didn’t have the choice. With every increase in my wage, my Keep would have gone up too.

I don’t understand how people can walk through life so easily and it makes me angry,

I have been wishing for nothing but misfortune for them, and I hate that I’ve had thoughts like that. Wanting their purchase to fall through, wanting them to break up, wanting them to suffer the real world. And perhaps that’s why my own purchase fell through, perhaps I’m being taught a lesson, or punished for these horrible thoughts, but I can’t help it. I dread this week, the week they get the keys while our buyers struggle to find a new property to move forward with.

I’m the one who did everything right, I’m the one who watched hundred of videos, read different information about the process, how to do it right. And they did it with their eyes closed. I don’t even want to hear about their house let alone see it and pretend I’m happy for them.

It feels all consuming.

Trying to remain positive.

So our chain broke. And for those who may not know a chain is this:

If you are buying a house, the people you are buying from also need to buy a new house, and those people may need to buy a new house etc etc.

Well, our buyers after 4 months ended up pulling out from purchasing their onward house. Now, on the bright side, we have not lost our house ( although it felt like it at the time) but it does mean we have to sit and wait for several months for our sellers to buy and complete on a new house.

Now we met our sellers, and after having found out more info, we did feel bad for them. We agreed to stay and wait rather than pull out ourselves and look for something new. We love the house and feel it’s the one for us.

The uncertainty remains though as our sellers may not find another house they like, if they do get an offer accepted, we don’t know how long the new chain could be (our previous one was pretty short) and obviously, the chain could break again.

I do feel a little heart broken as we had planned to be in jan-march and after having our offer accepted in October, it feels like our new move in date is forever away.

But I want to try and change my mind set and focus on the positives. So yes, it would have been nice to be in at the start of the year, and yes I struggle with being patient but:

- we rent a lovely two bed coach house, and it does feel like home, we are settled, and our landlord is pretty good.

- potentially interest rates could drop slightly, giving us a better rate.

- ability to save more. I have looked at whether we could get to the 10% but it’s just not possible. However, we can continue to save to be in a better position when we move in and to be able to action more of our decorating plans.

- we also now have the ability to travel a little which isn’t possible once we have our mortgage. Due to having more time to save, we have booked a few days in Edinburgh. We’ve always talked about going, but never been able to justify the price. We are also looking at going back on a Norway cruise.

- I will be closer to paying off my car. The mortgage will be a shock to the system, but with my car payment finishing in October, that will be an extra £164 back in my pocket. A later move in date means I will be closer to having that money back in my pocket,

Ultimately, there are loads of positives to our very overwhelming, uncertain situation. February is busy and often flys by. March will show signs of spring and I know we will be in before we know it.

And if not, we start again.

The things that I think are contributing to feeling so frustrated are:

- not having a garden. Some mornings I just don’t feel up for going for a walk the minute I wake up. And I know it’s probably good for me but it’s not as enjoyable anymore …

- we have several unfriendly dogs in the area now. And I feel like they’re always about. Brandi now hates them and reacts back (or even reacts first) and I am scared one day she will be attacked. They walk about the Rez and the lane which leaves me walking around the block which gets pretty boring. I feel I am filled with anxiety when walking brandi and don’t enjoy our surroundings as much as I did when we moved in.

- the mud, I feel this time of year everywhere is just so muddy, our house is currently open plan and rented so we constantly have to wash brandi if we take her out for a good walk.

- storage is also a massive problem, I feel like there is clutter everywhere all of the time.

- our shower no longer gets hot, it has become very temperamental.

- finally, the road works in chard. They are due to go on for a whole year! It adds a whole extra twenty minutes to any journey and I often feel trapped in the house, unable to go out unless I want to get stuck in traffic.

Feeling the stress.

Compared to last year, I’m doing considerably better. I’ve not been ill so far over Christmas or January, and no one is dead…yet. But I am feeling overwhelming stressed. Like the world is on my shoulders.

Firstly, my nan who has been causing me some anxiety for a while has been deemed end of life. We all knew this was coming, and to be honest, when it’s over I think I will feel some sense of relief. No more waiting for the shoe to drop. But that doesn’t mean it’s not causing anxiety, grief and a feeling of dread. I carry my own grief, but also feel I carry the emotions of my mother. She often relies on me, sometimes solely to talk about, and seek guidance on her emotions.

What doesn’t help, is I feel like I need to take a long weekend of annual leave. I saved my leave for this reason, to take when I feel overwhelmed and in need of a break. But with nans death imminent, I know I will need to take a day or two to process plus the funeral. But not knowing when that could be, it could be weeks months etc makes me feel out of control of my annual leave.

This leads onto the house. The house has been stagnant for over a month now. With Christmas and the new year, things have taken a while to get going. I want to have time off to sort the house when we move in, but once again don’t know when that’ll be.

I also feel very alone in the process. Bob receives all the info I do. But when I ask him to help me chase, he doesn’t want to feel like he’s being annoying (but appears happy for me to appear this way) and when I try to get him to write an email it’s like he plays completely dumb. Doesn’t know what he wants to say, how to say it and it’s ends up with him telling me to do it and getting pissy. What doesn’t help is people constantly asking what’s happening with the house, like if I knew something I wouldn’t tell them and this just reminds me of how out of the loop and therefore out of control I feel about this whole process.

Work has also been a massive contributor. My weeks have been stacked high with work. And on my quiet days I receive a million phone calls. I’ve had some of my advocates be argumentative, I’ve had to push myself out of my comfort zone as well as complete my usual week of week tasks. I don’t feel I’ve had much time to breathe since being back and any time I have had, I spend worrying about my nan, my mum and the house.

I am constantly on edge, checking my emails, being hesitant every time my mum calls in case it nans. And the annoying thing is half the time it’s just her calling to rant about her own work and how hard her life is right now without even asking how I am coping with everything.

I just feel like I’m going to explode.

The last hurrah…

2 months remain of 2024, and as stated previously, it’s been symbolic to say the least.

I wanted to go through how I’m making the most of the last few months of the year, and our last Christmas in Fishers Court.

I am attempting to practise a more simple life, although this still needs some work. I’ve been completing paint by numbers and have found it relaxing and something that switches my brain off. I’d also like to read more consistently.

November so far has been stressful, but also fun. We’ve gone to the carnival, saw a fireworks display and spent time with family.

I’m particularly looking forward to seeing Wicked in Cinema in a few weeks after seeing it at the hippodrome for the first time at the beginning of the year.

I also have plans to see Paige again, I met her off bumble bff for the first time in october and have arranged to see each other again at the end of the month.

Bob and I continue to get excited about our house, and I hope before the year ends we get more progress and perhaps a move in date!

To end the year, we are going to stourhead with Silas and Emily to see the Christmas lights, and are spending Christmas with my family this year.

My hopes for the last few months is nothing but health and joyful but quiet end of year.

We will see.

Hello anxiety…

2024 so far has been… symbolic.

I feel I’ve had so much change, so many doors closing, and new ones opening that to be honest, I just feel so unsure about everything.

I say symbolic as this year has shown in many ways that my childhood, teen and youthful years are coming to a close. Sounds silly doesn’t it, being 23. But to be honest, I never thought I’d reach the age where I actually forget my age, but time is moving so fast, I don’t know if another birthday has passed.

At the beginning of the year, one of my childhood dogs passed, he’d supported me through my teen years, school, parent divorce, raging anxiety and my first heartbreak. It felt like a massive change. And the beginning of the year just reeked of death, with him, my aunties terminal cancer diagnosis, my nan being diagnosed with my bleed on the brain, but a decision to not operate being made, even someone from my childhood, a young lad who went to my school passing away. Change was heavily present from the off.

Another symbol was my hamster passing. He symbolised time, my move to Chard, he was bought as my comfort at a time where I felt alone. Time in our little coach house has gone so fast, and with us looking to buy, it was like he symbolised our time here coming to an end.

On a lighter, sillier note, Top Gear, or should I say Grand Tour coming to an end, 20 years of it, my whole childhood, the show that brought us all together, the Sundays at mum’s with my brothers, being at my dads, gone, ended, no more.

Then finally, getting an offer accepted on a house. An adult, proper house. And I adore it, but it’s hard to believe we are even in the process of buying it. I know all I’ve been going on about this year is buying a house, but it wasn’t until an offer was accepted and the process has started that it’s scaring me. I don’t feel ready for a mortgage, to have less passive income, yet at the same time it’s all I want.

I feel like I’m in such a transitioning period of my life, that I don’t feel certain about anything. And that is causing a lot of anxiety.

Turning 23.

Tomorrow is the first day of July and I feel a sense of accomplishment and also an optimism of what’s to come. 22 has been hard for me, losing my childhood dog, my health issues and family. But I’ve also travelled a lot, we went on our Norway cruise and a cruise to Denmark and Belgium. I’ve been to so many new places, reconnected with an old friend and continued to gain knowledge in my career. I’ve also focused on my physical health, I’ve been consistent (when not unwell) with doing 3 movements a week, I mainly do Pilates and some weights but this movement could be anything from stretching to dance to a long walk. I’ve also focused on eating more fruit and veg instead of restricting sugar.

Moving forward, and thinking of turning 23, it’s going to be a big year. I’m hopeful we will buy our first home, and who knows, maybe an engagement will be on the cards. I’d also like to continue as I am, 3 movements a week, 5,000 steps a day minimum and being mindful of my fruit and veg consumption. But there are some new goals too.

Since my last post, I have not checked my exs facebook. That’s a whole week! While to some that might not seem long, that’s a big deal to me. I feel I’m over the worst of it. I catch myself wanting to check and have started to have the discipline to put myself first. This continues with my tick tok consumption. I always spent at least 30 minutes on tick tok before bed every night. On holiday, with no signal i was unable to do this and I’m riding the wave. I have not watched tick tok before bed for a week also! I’d also like to read more, I want to finish crescent city and hopefully buy the others.

I have recently been spending more time on my iPad to unwind and there is a sense of nostalgia around watching some YouTube in bed on an evening. I want to romanticise time alone and live seasonally. Spend more time outside in summer, going on walks, and learn to unwind in winter.

I’m trying not to buy clothes for the sake of it, but to find pieces I really like and to find my sense of style.

No one can tell what will happen in the future, and I’m sure there will be negatives to match the positives, but simplicity remains my goal and to be my own best friend.

Times up!

I watched a documentary tonight about coercive control. A guy tried to kill his wife twice to get out of his marriage and his wife stands in court and tries to protect him. Still, after he’s been convicted as guilty she admits to not believing it.

I found I related heavily to this doc from my past relationship and it’s the first time in a long time I’ve remembered what Blake was like. How it’s okay for me years later to still feel unsettled by it, the person I knew wasn’t the real him and that’s a lot to overcome.

However, he still has control, I still give over that control. He made me angry, so very angry and I hold that anger and resentment and wish for revenge. I want his life to fall apart, to be the more successful one. And I check sometimes daily, sometimes more to see if his life has failed. But by doing that, the anger remains, his face in my mind, his name, I know more then I should about his current affairs. And it’s controlling my life. I compare my life, my relationship to his. I get angry at Bob for not proposing yet, wanting kids sooner than before, needing to make sure my life is better than his.

And Ive had enough. I need to gain control over my life, kick him out for good. Forget his face, not know about his relationship status, travels etc.

I’ve deleted my second account. I’ve done this before only to reactivate but this time I need to get control of this, I can’t let him effect anymore of my life.

This is going to be the hardest battle yet.

I’m not doing well this year.

I just have an overall feeling of negativity that I can’t shake. This want to retreat, to be by myself, push others away. The feeling of anger and exhaustion combined.

I spent the first 3 weeks of the year unwell, Covid, 2 ear infections which reminded me of why after years since the last infection, I still feared the pain. And then a general cold to top it off. The 4th week within January where I was temporarily well, my childhood dog was put to sleep, and I wasn’t even able to say goodbye. Besides that we also found out my aunty has cancer, the bad kind (as if all cancer isn’t bad).

I spend February recovering from January and started to enjoy March and the spring rolling in. Only to become unwell again. A further 4 weeks have past of being unwell, cold turned sinus infection turned cough. My body was really struggling to fight it off. My lips swelled, cracked and bled, my mouth covered in ulcers. Many, many sleepless nights.

I dislike my relationship. I don’t want to. But this year has been hard. I don’t feel as supported as I should have been. I often feel alone, angry and resentful. Then ungrateful because he’s a good guy really. Bob stays away from me when I’m unwell. I’d understand if it was to avoid infection, but it has consistently been him passing on infection to me. He becomes mildly unwell for a week and I struggle for months. We sit opposites side of the sofa, only hold hands every once and a while, don’t cuddle in bed and haven’t kissed properly in months. I hate this. But I can’t push myself to do it. I feel this distance due to the sickness and resentment built from that has made me retreat further. Bob tries, he will tease me like when we first met. But I just want him to either wrap me up in a blanket, and hold me while I take a long deep sleep. Or to leave me alone.

I’m just exhausted.

Babies…

I have come to a point in my life where I am incredibly broody. It’s not that every time I see a baby I go awwww I want one. In fact sometimes it’s the opposite when I see a screaming child I’ll often think ‘oh god, not yet!’ However, when it comes to Ari my neice, I can’t help but feel like I want a little one of my own.

There are a few things I feel have contributed to this. One is a specific YouTuber who I have watched for years. She has the life I want and I have said this for years. She had her little girl at 23, they got engaged and bought a cute little house a few years after that. Now she is 30 and has a 7 year old and I just like the fact A, she got the newborn toddler phased out the way while she was young but also B, I love the idea that she will get more years with her daughter and likewise her daughter has a young mum. (Obviously this is in an ideal world) I have found that now I am 22, 23 in July I am approaching the age she had her daughter and I’m still watching and wanting that life.

This leads onto another reason which is that mine and bobs mums had us at 35. And there is nothing wrong with that however sometimes I do find myself feeling jealous that she had my brothers so young. The idea that they will have more years with her as a young mum and that Ari has a young nanny while mum will likely be older when I have grandchildren. I know Bob feels the same with his parents. I want to have more years with my children / grandchildren and be as involved as I can be, not wanting to be an older nanny.

Another thing was in January at Lyme, mum and I were sat on the pebbles with the dogs and a little girl came up to us to play with Brandi. She must have been 6 or 7 and had georgeous red hair. Interacting with her made me feel so excited to hopefully one day have a daughter her age.

The final reason I can think of was when Ari was unwell. Bob and I went round to go to a play area but Ari was poorly. She came down with her little red cheeks and all she wanted was cuddles from Sam. I saw those cuddles and it felt like my overies exploded. All I could think about is that i want one of my own.

Now, I know now probably isn’t the right time. Technically we have a spare room and are financially stable. But we are renting and our current goal is to buy a house and I acknowledge that buying a house with a child is a lot harder. I know id like my children to have the stability I never had and if that means putting my want for a family off for a few more years so they can have what I never did then that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll round up with a quote that I adore about the future and what is meant for us:

What you want, wants you more <3

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