Sweet dreams are made of this
The Oxford Dictionary definition of a dream is ‘a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occuring in a person’s mind during sleep.’ We also define dreams as our cherished aspirations, our perfect life, our expert plans. Our dreams happen when we look up.
I am not a dreamer. I fall asleep at midnight and will spend 6-12 hours in a comatose state. Nothing going on except the body doing its natural thing during sleep. But occasionally, in times of change or uncertainty - I dream. The last few weeks I’ve had dreams of my mum. The dreams were not memories, they were snapshots of what life would have been. The first few dreams - we knew she was dying. Someone was getting married and we all knew she wouldn’t live to see a grandchild. Last night, my dream was present day. She was alive, and I felt different. I felt loved and safe in a way that I have not felt in a very long time. There’s a way a mum loves her children that’s very real, very practical, very tangible, very pro-active. It’s not something you can describe. It is something you feel. And I felt it when I woke up this morning. Now, it’s only a passing memory. The active part of it is gone.
When mum died, many people told me she would continue to love me from heaven. What they did not realise is that heaven is very far away. I think that I felt what I felt last night to comfort and sustain me for the change that is happening and continues to happen. I am very grateful to have had a mother who loved me. And a dad who continues to love me and protect me.
Those who lose a mum or dad lose a very big part of their safety and security in who they are. No amount of reminding them of that is going to replace that feeling which is now just a memory. You have to LOVE them and be their security. You cannot replace it but you must do something. You cannot run. There are many people whose parents die without conflicts being resolved, without relationships being resolved. Again, reminding them that they were loved is not going to resolve the relationship. You must LOVE them and be their security.
As Christians we often say ‘death is not THE end.’ But it is AN end. There is a severing of ties, an unplanned farewell and a gaping aching hole left. Time frames are put in place, excuses are made, relationships are dissolved, a lot of pain and suffering is undergone.
If we are going to properly look after each other as we navigate this heartbreaking reality of life, we have to try and LOVE the person. Not fix them. Not hand them off. Not dismiss or excuse them. We can run, but we have to face up to the fact that death comes to us all.
‘His grief he will not forget: but it will not darken his heart, it will teach him wisdom’ JRR Tolkien.
As I come to the end of what may seem like an ENDLESS stream of blogs on my mum and grief I would like to post a fun fact on death. I love fun facts. Ok, it’s not really a fun fact. I just love a fun fact. So fun fact on death - it CHANGES you. Ok, sorry i probably should have said this is actually a fun fact on grief. Cause you’re probably thinking ‘no shit sherlock. It changes you from someone pink and generally communicative to someone grey and generally…not…communicative. Nope, definitely not communicative. Yeah, grief changes you! You might never have considered changing yourself ever and then bam - forced on you! How fun is that! You might have talked about changing yourself, you might have tried it, you might have wished but you wouldn’t have seen it through cause you would have been scared. Yet, I stand here - a changed woman. I am no longer scared of what people think of me, I don’t panic when people honk their horns and I don’t stress when I need to talk to families about their complaints. I’m not afraid of change. Of new jobs, of trying something temporary, of pushing the boundaries of security and of saying ‘Hey world, know that Meg Jackson you knew and loved. She isn’t here. You are stuck with me. In some ways better, in some ways worse, in some ways exactly the same.’ I know how short life is so I don’t sit around and expect life to be nice to me. I know life is short so I don’t put pressure on myself to be someone that I’m not. I am unapologetic-ally ME. It’s freeing in a way.
So yeah, its not all shit. Man, I always feel better after I write it down.
