waiting for a train

mindless ramblings

[atraingoingnowhere]

low-key really proud of myself for making the floorball state team. i’ve already got quantifiable evidence to tick off my goal of getting stronger/fitter and it’s only feb. also pretty happy considering i’ve only started playing seriously/not at a social level for about four months compared to the rest of the team who have got years under their belt. now to set my sights on the national team... (i’ve written it down now so it’s serious)

[atraingoingnowhere]

- travel to at two least new countries

- get stronger

- be uncomfortable - do new things, meet people, exist outside my comfort zone

- foster academic interests

- photograph draw

[atraingoingnowhere]

i love women so much and i’m so thankful for those i get to work with in my job. 

when s calls me sweets/darl/babe so very casually that it just rolls off the tongue (but it’s something she only recently started doing so i feel like i’ve passed some kind of test to get to this level)

or when she was talking about the pride gig she did

or the times when s and g dropped me home

women are the best :)

[atraingoingnowhere]

boy am I nervous about weeding women starting tomorrow

perhaps because I know very little about gardening.....

[atraingoingnowhere]

an observation:

despite the kindness of a) a man who reminds me of my dad (they smell the same) but with messier handwriting and b) a camp old guy who goes to art gallery openings with his partner who he mentioned in our first conversation, it is c) the maternal comfort of a middle aged woman who reassuringly patted me on the shoulder/arm and showed me how the scanner works who managed to make me feel the most welcome at my new work experience place

[atraingoingnowhere]

to discuss:

gender/sexuality: fear to come out

moving away next year, parental concern. inability to make friends/not a social person

general mood

overwhelming nature of political events - exhaustion

autism?

[atraingoingnowhere]

unhappy with:

chest

voice

hips/fat distribution

face shape

[atraingoingnowhere]

i’m clearly starved of affectionate touch when i enjoy feeling the comfort of the dental hygienist’s body pushing against my head as she scrapes my gums

[atraingoingnowhere]

also i’m in love with my new optometrist and the way she touches my eyelids

[atraingoingnowhere]

i’m clearly starved of affectionate touch when i enjoy feeling the comfort of the dental hygienist’s body pushing against my head as she scrapes my gums

[atraingoingnowhere]

- buy the big issue more

- travel to one different country

- get buff

- sort out my skin

- sort out my veganism

- sort out my health - physical and mental

- be kind to myself

- meditate

- draw

- apply for masters in interesting locations

[atraingoingnowhere]

mental health observations 03.12.16

- i am exhausted. In part because the time lying in bed awaiting sleep is filled with negative thoughts. 

dwelling on assignments. issues with group participation. contemplating my abilities and lack there of. hyperventilating about the sign in sheet. thinking about folio. thinking about how i didn’t help at exhibition set up because the thought of folio makes my heart rate increase and breath quicken. vivid images of my skull being crushed in a vice. cracking my skull with a hammer.

to avoid all this I stay awake distracting myself , scrolling through something/anything, for as long as possible until I am at a point where sleep will come quickly.

- autism?

- i have to think about how well i did given the circumstances. everything must be considered in context and when i think back to the first few weeks of semester this should make me proud. i wanted to no longer exist and plans for a science museum in lithuania, a velodrome, and an exhibition design based on a recent anthrax outbreak were the furthest from my mind. remember to discussions in studio at about week three where my body was present but all i could think about was no longer existing. given that no one knows how i felt at the time it’s easy to think they don’t understand my potential. but i realise, and i know.

- emotional exhuastion regarding political events. overwhelming and ever increasing stress over events in the world, oppression faced by others, hardships experienced by people due to current affairs. i feel pathetic for feeling like this as it’s something everyone is faced with and they all seem to be doing fine. i can’t help but cry silently whenever i am alone.

- i should probably get a psych again

- optimism about the future and uncertainty and doubt in my abilitities. i have told people my plans so now i need to follow through even though i know it’s beyond me.

[atraingoingnowhere]

jeffrey marsh liked my post so everything has improved. everything will be ok 

his sincere eyes have told me so

[atraingoingnowhere]

i desperately want to go to carol at camelot tonight as it’s the last time it’s on but i don’t know how to convince my family to go especially as mum is going out (hoping she’d want to go in an effort to show she’s supportive of my sexuality) and we’ve been to outdoor cinemas the last two nights. 

carol has become really significant to me and i can’t think of anything better than watching it under the stars

[atraingoingnowhere]

we went tonight as it turns out this was the last night it was on and as if given approval by the gods i didn’t have floorball tonight as it’s easter monday. it was a wee bit awkward as everyone sort of assumed why i’d suggested it but didn’t bring it up. despite initial hesitations to go (end of a crammed day) they all liked it and had insightful comments. hoorah! 

[atraingoingnowhere]

i desperately want to go to carol at camelot tonight as it’s the last time it’s on but i don’t know how to convince my family to go especially as mum is going out (hoping she’d want to go in an effort to show she’s supportive of my sexuality) and we’ve been to outdoor cinemas the last two nights. 

carol has become really significant to me and i can’t think of anything better than watching it under the stars

[atraingoingnowhere]

I am bisexual and I am non-binary

[atraingoingnowhere]

While I like to think I have stopped self harming, I think I’ve just moved to alternative means. The level procrastination that I insist on inflicting upon my self is reaching harmful levels. I also repeatedly sacrifice sleep for pointless and unproductive reasons. I wonder if this is a a subconscious act of self sabotage. After realising these behaviour I begin to hate myself more for making things significantly more difficult for myself which only leads me to punish myself further with these stupid methods.

I don’t know how to break these habits that I’ve engrained over years of self-hatred and a poor work ethic but something needs to happen soon.

[atraingoingnowhere]

I struggle so much with social situations and relationships. the friend I still consider my closest lives on the other side of the country and we communicate in disjointed sentences on facebook about meaningless topics. i haven’t replied for a month or so now. another friend I try to actively avoid speaking to at university. i decided not to go to someone’s twenty first because my brother was no longer going and i couldn’t bear the thought of walking in on my own even though I knew people there. 

I constantly bemoan the fact i have so few meaningful relationships and am so lonely but I do nothing to help myself