An Attempt to Get Healthy

Jen. 25. Recently diagnosed with EDNOS (binging). Trying to get better with the help of my dietitian and therapist. **Please let me know if you do find something I've posted as triggering so I can tag it (tumblr savior is THE BEST).**

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In typical fashion I haven't updated this in months. I ended up not doing IOP back at the beginning of the year. But I'm in it now and have been for about a month. It is super helpful and I'm feeling really good about my recovery right now. Unfortunately it may be cut off soon because insurance is a bitch. There has been a shitton of other medical stuff that has come up that I don't know how to process. It's all very up in the air/we don't know what it is. But hopefully it will get resolved soon. Also I started dating someone and he is really nice and so sweet and I really like him. But I'm just kind of waiting for something to mess it up.

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So. Things are good and not good at the same time. I went through the whole process of finding an IOP program that worked with my work schedule and stuff but then insurance was like NAH. So I still feel very stuck and like I need extra support but I'm unable to get it because literally one week of treatment is 3 months rent without using insurance. I finally did my sleep study and found out that I have severe sleep apnea. I got my CPAP and it is AMAZING. I think it will help a lot with ED stuff in addition to helping me regulate sleep. I started new meds that are helpful for what they are meant for but completely ruin my appetite so I am having a lot of trouble remembering to eat/forcing myself to eat even though I am not hungry so I'm not starving myself. So I have a lot of complicated feelings about using them. And finally I got some blood work done with some concerning results. Which I am really nervous about but it means I might be closer to figuring out what is wrong with me. So silver lining I guess.

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I started the process for getting into an IOP program. So maybe things will start to get better.

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I wouldn't say I'm at my lowest. I'm trying desperately not to sink that low. So I emailed my therapist at 2am on Saturday in the midst of an anxiety attack and asked her if we could talk about possible IOP options for me at my next session. Which of course she said yes and offered to see me sooner than my next appointment; but work literally sucks so much right now I can't get time off to go earlier so I have to wait 2 weeks.

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In the time I have been gone from tumblr these past 9ish months:

- my dad had back surgery which was incredibly emotionally taxing on me because: 1) I hate seeing him in pain. 2) my family got super body shame-y towards me because they are concerned for my “health”. Which is stupid because my dad’s back condition is genetic and weight had nothing to do with it. 3) my mom emotionally checked out for various reasons and my siblings weren’t helpful so I ended up taking on all of the responsibilities of my dad’s recovery. So I drove him to doctor appointments and physical therapy multiple times a week for months. Which put stress on me with my job, made it difficult to actively choose recovery/meal planning/going to therapy etc, isolated me from my friends since my schedule revolved around him, etc etc.

- But he is better now and is able to get around on his own. I don’t regret taking care of him, I just wish it hadn’t been so difficult/I had had more help. - Due to stress I had several mini-break downs. One which included me crying at the dinner table and confessing my eating disorder to my family in the hopes they would stop body shaming me. They haven’t. - Other break downs include two manic episodes. Therapist and I are discussing possibly diagnosis options. - I dated. Mixed bag on how that went. But it helped with my body image a lot.

I mean. A ton of other shit happened and I was just super fucking depressed most of 2015. Like didn’t go to work for weeks depressed. Super surprised I managed to hide it well enough to not get fired. Things are on the up and up for 2016. I just have to get back into the recovery mindset.

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I am making some progress. My new doctor is amazing and I love her and she is so great. I've got some health issues she is concerned about but thinks will be corrected once I am fully on track recovery wise. So we are keeping an eye on it. But I'm getting labs done and having check ups monthly, which is hella expensive but if it means I'm being held accountable and my problems are getting fixed then it is worth it. Dating continues to be an experience. I've fallen back into some bad body image thinking. But I see my therapist this week and I think it will help. Anyway. Overall life is good and I am really on it and everything is falling into place.

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Life is really, really good right now. I'm feeling really positive about everything. I mean I could be doing better, but I'm not doing horribly. So it is good. I quit my doctor and have an appointment scheduled with a GP who specializes in treating eating disorders. I just literally couldn't handle another doctor visit where I am chastised for gaining 2 pounds (I mean, REALLY?!?!!). So I am excited to be seeing someone who will be more understanding of my situation. I started dating/having sex again after my incredibly long 4+ year break and it has been really, really good for my body confidence. And I'm just feeling a lot better about my body in general and it is freaking awesome. I should get on tumblr more...

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Tonight I cooked dinner for the first time in about three months. Like cooked food that didn't come from the freezer section cooked. The past 3 or 4 months have been incredibly difficult. And I'm happy that I am finally coming out of it a little bit. It is still a struggle but I am taking baby steps so I don't overwhelm myself again. I just need to build off of these small wins. I can do it.

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All I want to do today is stay home by myself and cry. But I have plans with friends who only come into town once a year so I can't cancel. And everything is just too much.

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Fuck

I purged for the first time in 6 years. My life is a complete disaster. I just want to disappear into nothingness. 

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Life is weird sometimes.

Yesterday I had therapy and we talked about boundaries and how I hardly ever enforce them. Especially when it comes to men. And my difficulty standing up for myself and not letting myself be used.

And then later that night I went out dancing with my friends. And I was feeling pretty shit about myself because that is generally what happens when I go out with these people because they are so thin and guys fall all over themselves to talk/dance with them and I am a perpetual 3rd wheel. So it is always awkward and I hate myself for being jealous.

So there was this one guy who was interested in me towards the end of the night. And I didn’t really find him that attractive. But we made out for a bit. Because alcohol and feeling shit about myself, y’know? And it was awful. Dude can’t kiss. I gave him my number anyway because I was like maybe he could improve or something. I dunno.

So then he started getting a bit more aggressive. And I was kind of like fuck. He asked me to go home with him and I was like lulz NOPE I am with friends. Because they were going to stay at my place afterwards and I was just glad to have an excuse. And he was cool with my answer so we continued to dance or whatever. But then he grabbed my arm in a way that reminded me of my rapist and it upset me so much. So I was just kind of like I need to get the fuck away from this right now. So I was like gotta go bye and went back to my friends.

And I shit you not. Not even 30 minutes later I got a text message from him asking to be friends with benefits. Which I am just going to ignore.

Because. Like. It hurts a fucking lot when the only thing people value you for is sex. That has been pretty much almost all of my sexual experiences. Like it is perfectly fine to fuck you but I don’t want to date you or get to know you because you are fat (never said specifically but heavily implied). And if I do date you I am going to make you feel like shit about yourself and make you go on starvation diets and make you work out until you injure yourself; until you are thin enough for me to consider not being ashamed of you.

And like the really horrible thing is is that if I found this guy even remotely attractive I would totally be up for this situation. Even if he reminds me of my rapist. Because I still don’t like myself and I still think I am worthless and the only thing I am good at is sex. Because that is what I am constantly being told. No one is interested in getting to know the fat girl. All they want to do is fuck her. And I hate it so fucking much.

Normally I would be self destructive and agree to this friends with benefits thing. But I am trying very hard to be better to myself. It is just one thing after another that makes it so fucking difficult.

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I think my meltdown last week was a result of trying to do too much all at once. And when I didn't meet the expectations I had for myself I felt like a failure and just fell apart. But all that really matters is that I've managed to pull myself out of it. I meal planned, went grocery shopping, and did meal prep over the weekend. I can be a functioning person if I break everything into small manageable tasks.

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I had a kind of nervous breakdown yesterday/today. I was awake for over 24 hours. Twelve of which I was just continuously crying. Which you would think would exhaust me and I could have fallen asleep but nope. So I emailed my boss this morning around 5:00 and told him I was sick. I ended up sleeping for a few hours and I felt a lot better. I've been researching outpatient options all afternoon and haven't had much luck. I dunno. Maybe I'm overreacting. I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday. Maybe we can just go back to weekly sessions instead of once a month. I'm clearly not stable anymore. I just want to get better and not be this way anymore.

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Fat girl with ED problems: being afraid to go to the doctor for back pain because they will be hella dismissive and say it is because you are overweight.

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Recovery is a daily choice. I have to remember that and take this one day at a time. I made my breakfast this morning, which doesn't seem like a big deal but it kind of is. So I think today will be a good day.

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On mobile, can't cut text. Sorry. I've tagged triggers. I need to be more active at recovery. I'm in the middle of a small lapse. There is just a lot going on that has made it difficult. My doctor chastised me for gaining two pounds. And told me the exercise I was doing (walking my dog) wasn't exercise. Which of course I was like "Excuse you but my therapist and dietitian are perfectly happy with that being my exercise." I am going to start looking for a new doctor. I don't need that negativity in my life right now. I am just now getting comfortable exercising again and to say that what I am doing isn't "real" exercise invalidates all of the progress I've made. Coupled with my mom telling me I needed to lose 100 pounds. I had just finally gotten over thinking that about myself so I'm just annoyed because it was an incredibly unwarranted comment. My therapist was outraged, which made me feel a bit better. If I lost 100 pounds I would be the weight I was when I was 13-14... Which would be super unhealthy for me. It is just a really stupid situation. I'm not really sure what to do about it. And then my abusive dead ex-boyfriend's mother is being annoying. His one year death anniversary was yesterday and she was mad I didn't like her memorial post on facebook, I guess, so she sent me a SUPER passive aggressive message about it. And I am just... So over it. I felt morally obligated to help her with some of the legal issues she was having with his estate but other than that I don't feel like I owe her anything. We had been broken up two years before he killed himself. She is placing a burden on me to help her with her grief. Which I don't think is my responsibility. I'm trying to be nice but dealing with her is triggering and puts me in a bad place. I think I am going to cut off all contact with her soon. Recovery. Let's do this again.

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I'm super horrible at keeping up with this thing...

It has been a roller coaster the past two months. Some weeks I do amazing and some weeks it is a constant struggle. But overall I would say that I am doing pretty okay. I've had to travel a lot for work recently which has put a lot of stress on me but I think I have been handling it pretty well. And I have been making some better food choices when I eat out for work. 

I still haven't gotten the exercise thing down yet. I am trying. I recently adopted a dog so I am trying to get into a routine of walking her daily. She has helped a LOT with my depression and also getting on a more "normal" eating schedule. No more eating dinner at 10PM, etc. 

My therapist and I have switched to every other week and my dietitan have switched to every other month since I have been more stable recently. So it is really exciting that they see positive change/progress (even when I don't).  I also switched psychiatrists and I like my new one a lot better. 

Everything is going well right now. I've finally pulled myself out of the funk I've been in the past couple of weeks and I am feeling really positive about everything. Today I felt really healthy for the first time in a while - just mentally and physically. So I just need to keep on going.