In the Middle of the Night
As I'm a creative person, the nights are my time. While the world is sleeping my mind in burning and moving like a dance. My mind is moving and my heart is racing and sleep is the last thing I want. But sometimes the night stops me dead in my tracks. Fears set in , Im alone and being alone with my thoughts can be the very worst for me. Tonight where has it taken me... it takes me into doubts. Doubting my ability to stand up to people who hurt me . I am a woman who opened my business 21 years ago. I'm a survivor. I have weathered the dark days and celebrated some of the greatest days of my life. But being a woman alone at the top is so lonely . I have ushered young twenty year olds into my school and I have believed whole heartedly in them. But young people turn on you and disloyal faster than most people I've seen. It's the same story. They cone in and feel freedom. They feel appreciated . They feel they are compensated well. They post about how this is the greatest job ever and I put my heart and soul into grooming them, empowering them, and I do everything I can to give them autonomy . And within two years , if I give a few notes, if I share something I would like changed , if I don't give them a choice - the environment shifts. Suddenly I'm awful. I give no freedom , I'm breathing down their backs , and the job they once loved , the place they felt so free feels like a prison. The clique ( because they must pull their friends in ) and then the hate, the ugliness spreads. It spreads like cancer. Cancer is a disease that spreads bad cells from one place to another. Normally you cut the cancer out. You excise it until it's gone leaving no trace of its existence . Sometimes it lingers and comes back to spread again but you need to be alerts. I can't cut the cancer out. And so it's infecting me. It's infecting others and I'm not stopping it. Being the shiny new penny is always the best part. Being the scapegoat GeForce everything that is wrong hurts to the deepest part of my core and keeps me up all night. Somehow I need to find the strength. Blast it out. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change , the courage to change the things I can , and the wisdom to know the difference.