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@audrey-a-joy-blog
I wasn’t gonna post this today. And then I opened Facebook to see that a human committed suicide at SCAD recently.
+ a friend texted me last week that they’d tried. One of my first boyfriends took his life. This issue is extremely tragic. I pray if you need help, you’ll ask. Please, educate yourselves about what this issue looks like. We need each other.
Wow. So much history, symbology, dignity in one photo.
PERSONAL NARRATIVE On Suicide, Avoidance, Wisdom This is dedicated to each soul passed on. I wish you an eternal flight in light and love. May we make memories and peace in your name. ——— All day I have remained uncertain about what to write. Over the last hours I’ve gathered personal information to brainstorm. In that vein, I collected pieces of my consciousness onto paper and have dog-eared a few journal entries to refer to in organizing my thoughts. Here is what I own to share with you. I do so knowing that I’ll find increasing confirmation we are more similar than either of us may realize. 1️⃣ I am in gratitude toward Josh Raby for his string of tweets about suicide. That message struck home with me. 2️⃣I will begin with a few facts that may bring this piece of reflection to some order. The facts are a list of things I found while looking through journals today. In my journals I found: 1. Listed and repetitive affirmations. An example of the statements: “I approve of myself.” I wrote that 100 times. 2. Prayer after prayer after prayer after prayer. 3. Schedules. Sheets of paper where I was working to arrange my days down to the details. 4. An in-depth entry about how I was going to cope with my heightened P.T.S.D. symptoms for the day. 5. Statements about taking ownership of my body and heart. Upon listing these it strikes me that the theme underlying them is my attempts to control a world that feels out of control. Which brings us back to suicide. This absolutely horrific and insanely tragic issue is anything but within the grasp of my own control. The number of souls belonging to people I personally know who have passed on to suicide in the past two and a half years averages about one every three months. Then there are those whose lives took place on the peripheral of my direct social circle. Most of them were people I knew by extension of another friend. Those suicides number another stifling amount. Of course I will mention the deaths in Hollywood when speaking of what are the staggering statistics on suicide. It is a subject which I struggle to become emotionally involved in during this very writing. The lie is that it is easier to remain numb to it. There is truth that remaining numb to it coats the underlying pain in an impenetrable layer of distraction. Weighing heavy below the distraction is the knowing of my total human fragility as a being capable of losing the ones I love at any moment. The sneaking, lying, insidious demon of a soul-sickness so permeating that it steals the very being who only wishes to be released from its inane and hellish grip has made its existence so painfully obvious. The description which would do justice to the impact of suicide lay beyond what novels of personal account could begin to provide. This we must face. And I am choosing to do it in my personal essay here. By admitting the desolation this leaves, I get to live with it. When trying to ignore it, my brain seems to take that extra energy to just push the fear away. I’m left more exhausted running than it is worth. I’m standing right with the truth that I’ve personally seen this perverse creature steal from myself and others. We have ALL seen it. It’s shaken your perception of reality. It’s likely come creeping up behind you when you thought you were breathing at last. Like this hell-being does, the chances are you have seen it suck the life from your friends and family’s hearts. The suicides which seem to stack have become a hard space in my soul. I picture them like bricks of granite with each person’s name etched the side. It’s crippling to leave that baggage inside. I will say that I have less chosen to ignore the pain than I have strived to keep living at a pace which quickly moves past any space to grieve properly. My heart is tired. My soul is heavy. My spirit wants to release and to cry. And I’ve mistakenly gone to the ways which I can bare trying to facilitate control. They look like cramming more and more activity into smaller and smaller time frames. Time can’t get me if I stay ahead of her “tick-tock.” Subconsciously I run further and further from her grasp. Picture a human-clock hybrid running after me. I’d be looking back in fear as if it were my own death at stake in her reaching me. The more activity I put into place the more stumbling blocks I put between us. Another thing I do is compulse. I’ll spend money. I’ll try to have enough knowledge to take up all of my brain-space. I’ll create problems. (I’m becoming aware of some of these only as I currently write. They’re unfolding before me. Before us.) These things which I have become accustomed to as part of my natural pace are actually in place not only to numb from suicide. Suicide has provided the platform from which to speak. These things I became accustomed to also allowed me necessary time to be able to cope in reality instead of stuck in the fear of facing my own past. There seems to be an undulating nature to my own healing. At the present moment yet another layer of the proverbial onion is peeling back. It has been incredibly painful. The clock I’ve been running from is no longer playing my games. The distance between us continued to steadily decrease and time has collided with me. Now when I throw obstacles (spend money, create chaos, avoid, etc) my mind doesn’t go along. Maybe this is a blessing. It’s time to look at these things. At times I’ve been very fearful of this meeting with my own reality. This post is lengthy and I seek to wrap it up as concisely as possible while paying respect to my mission of honesty and vulnerability in my creative sharing. I will summarize, for the moment, the remaining loose ends. Likely at a later date I will share my writing about those. At the beginning of this post is a list of 5 things I found in my journals and writings. I see them as the ultimately futile things I’ve done to grasp what seems to be the at times incomprehensible experience to live here. Life seems to be teaching my twenty-four year old self that she has a wisdom I ought to adhere to. She seems to be showing me more about her ways. I pray to be open to that. I’m going to need help. I have an abundant amount of resources for this. We all do. I still struggle. I still feel scared. I’m willing to be my best self. This sharing is dedicated to deepening the conversation among us all. Though we may have our beautiful parts of life to show here on social media, we also all feel life’s myriad sadnesses. I am grateful to be alive today in the midst of these experiences to keep changing. I have so much more to share. We all have so much more to learn about each other. This is in no way a comprehensible picture of my truth. It is a snippet meant to be an imperfect and wholly relatable autobiographical rendition of my present truth. I love you.
Dedicated to my MOTHER
3 things I love about Mom:
Mom is...
an example to me through her work ethic, I have watched her and learned about social skills and how to be a friend, she is hilarious
Mom is...
Someone who puts love so naturally into all that she does. Mom is talented in her ability to bring people together in love. She creates an open home with joy
Mom is...
Willing to admit when she is wrong, open to new viewpoints, Mom is ALWAYS there.
Love you a whole lot
This is my honey, Todd. Todd is my other honey’s brother. My other honey is Leo. I get to bask in doggy heaven with both buddies for two weeks. My gratitude is bursting. I will soon write more about the process to allowing myself to live how I want to live. First and foremost, what I can summarize quickly for you tonight is: There seems to be a process of opening to life’s gifts. I have been guided by the most altruistic and compassionate souls to be blessed with an abundant life. I pray to respect and pay this gift forward in love. Now, go kiss your doggies. Or spouse. Or self. ❤️
5 thank you notes are going out to the recipients who will read them with glee! I’ve written a stream-of-consciousness message in each note. The end of the note encourages each lovely human to pay this forward. How fun! I already have received great happiness through this little venture. Blessings! —If you see my note anywhere, keep your knowledge of my writing it to yourself! After all, I’m just channeling a fun message. ❤️💗⭐️ Love! [each note is sealed with a sexy, steamy kiss!😘😘😘] P.S. I challenge you to rise and send love out, too. Lemme know! ☀️🌴🎶 #imjustlivinginaworldofbeautyandpeace—
“Giving and receiving are the same.”
Wayne Dyer in “Everyday Wisdom”
⚫️How do you define yourself? ⚫️ Do you have the freedom to be anything you choose? Does your mind and soul resonate with your deepest truth and desire? Do you see that you are undefinable? Or, are you both defined and undefined? Where are you in your journey? What beliefs can you acknowledge as present and remain aware of their manifestation while allowing for new beliefs to unlock the floodgates of your best self? Do you even WANT to have the life you imagine? If you truly believed your worthiness to inherit the universe’s abundance, how would you think, FEEL, act, move? What would really light your fire? Today:notice the abundance of opportunities around you. No, not simply the laid-out-clear-in-your-face opportunities. What resources are available to you? Who can you engage in a stimulating conversation? Do you know the humans around you? You may find they have connections that will enable your journey. Believe me when I state the TRUTH that it is a SERVICE to live the adventure in front of us. Love and peace, most of all FUN, worthiness, and experience of JOY be to all of us. 🙏🏻
Home in the Heart AUDREY JOY MAY 2018 I am forever my own best friend Cause I’m here until the end Whether my heart is broken Or my heart is on the mend My love for self is spoken The reason is that I see it all I watch myself rise and fall Spirit exists beckoning me home “Come this way” is her call Twisting and turning, left, right-eye roam The anguish, the love and all between The totality of the journey is seen Intimacy of anahata made manifest The mirror of collective soul is clean Through the wringing knot in my chest Allow me to extinguish this writing With words that shock as lightning I am fucking alive behind this death Though I tremble easing and tightening The cosmos birth love in each breath Love carries me home. No place left to roam. Steady me here in this space. I’ve let out my last groan. I’ve surrendered and won the race. © Audrey Joy, 2018
<p>Loving Kindness Practice </p> <p>The following is manifested as it is extended Truth to all beings (self, nature, inanimate objects included).<br /> 💞💗💕💞💗💕💞💗💕💞💗💕💞💗💕</p> <p>May all beings be radical kindness and open-mindedness <br /> May all beings live in and be the radically open and divine heart <br /> May all beings be loving detachment <br /> May all beings express& become divine will. May they do so as pure gratitude, humility, prosperity and love.
Baxter is so much love in a little doggy form. 💖💖💖
This post was an accident-and Just what was needed
No coincidences, right?
From Suzanne Heyn’s instagram 👇🏽
Not like I wanted.
Not how I planned.
And I didn’t know what to do.
Finally, I broke.
For the first time, I begged the universe not to change my life, but to help me find peace.
The most beautiful guidance came. I have no idea where it came from, like most divine guidance, but the answer that came changed my life forever.
This guidance healed me. It helped me love myself. It connected me to my soul, and in the time since, has completely changed my life.
It allowed me to create the career I’d always wanted that’s profitable and meaningful and uses my gifts. I love what I do. It’s my whole heart, and what I’ve always wanted.
...
Saying yes to this divine guidance set me on an entirely new journey of...
learning to believe in myself, and expanding and up-leveling and all of these things that never would have been possible —
If I hadn’t first learned how to sit with the pain, hurt, and anger, judgment and fear in my heart and just love it.
Love myself. And accept my life. Accept what I’d done with it. Accept the things that had happened to me.
Accept that it was okay.
That I wasn’t being punished, that I hadn’t messed anything up, that maybe, even after all this time and all my mistakes and all my freak outs and the times I felt unworthy and unlovable and forgotten by the universe, that maybe…
I was loved and whole and forgiven, and no matter what my crazy mind said, I could do anything and create anything and even though it felt late in my life, every second is a good time to begin again.
Because it is. We can start over at any moment. Heal any wound. And create any kind of life you want to.
You just have to ask for guidance and say yes when it comes.
From where I meditate
On this journey to live within the heart, I find myself in the midst of precious space and time around. I lean in and use that time to honor what comes and am so grateful for the abundance of energy which is in my awareness currently. Tonight I turn in for sleep. Tomorrow is dedicated to a mindful journey. I make only the promise to take it easy and as it comes. I ask the Power within and without to guide the way and I pray to step back as I’m lead along a fun journey. ❤️