yet again, this started life as one of those annapaul prompts that are just so very eager to run away from me. i dont have any of the non-dialougy bits, the idea being this is some kind of infolink message type situation? also i just wrote it like right this instance SO! its very very very WIP
also its angst. i feel like that went without saying but
āIām sorry if this seems a little insincere, Iāve had to do this a lot today.
āIn a little while, theyāre going to start telling you things about me. Theyāre going to tell you I betrayed UNATCO, that I betrayed everything you and I and everyone else swore an oath to. That I abanonded our principles and our fight and everything we held dear. If they think that you-
āTheyāre going to tell the people they think will still care about me anyway, that Iāve been corrupted. That I let myself be seduced by anger, by fear and loathing, that I let myself be taken over by weakness-
āTheyāre going to tell you I was weak. Theyāre going to tell you I was weak, that I was flawed. Theyāre going to tell you I was weak and that Iāve always been weak and that I let myself exploited. Used. Turned. Theyāre- theyāreā¦
āā¦theyāre going to tell you all of that, and youāre going to believe them, because theyāve been doing this for a goddamn long time and theyāre so, so good at it. Youāre going to believe them, and nothing I say can change that, thereās not a goddamn chance I can say anything that could change that, I donāt even know if Iām going to be able to save my own brother, butā¦
āBut thereās some things I need to say to you. Before this is all over. I mean, maybe itās been over for a while, but before itās really over. Before thereās no coming back. I need to say it all while we still exist in a time where I know youāll still hear me. Where I know you donāt believe them, not yet. A time where I know you donāt think Iāve abandoned everything we believed in. A time where Iām not a traitor. Not yet.
āYou see, Iā¦ Iāve always respected you. You, you have thisā¦ youāre so certain. Of everything. Youāre unshakable, immovable. Youāre dedicated, you stand and pledge your loyalty to this thing, this thing thatās bigger than us and never once did you flinch away from it. Nothing could shake you from your devotion. You have loyalty, in your core and in your soul, maybe, and I, Iāve, Iāve neverā¦ I never had that, not even once. Iāve beenā¦running, running my entire life from the murd- assassination, of my parents. I ran from there to UNATCO, from mission to mission, from ideology to ideology while the whole time you stood there staring at me like you were wondering what the hell I thought I was doing. Like you couldnāt fathom why I was wasting energy on it all. And- and- and you were right, it was all so fucking pointless, I killed for them and never looked deeper and never wondered and I-
āBut you, you didnāt. You have this way of looking at the world and then committing yourself to it anyway. Looking at everything with open eyes and doing it all the same but the depth of this, of this, of this thing that you have, this certainty. You are certain of what it is youāve done and are doing and who it is youāre doing it for and itās because thatās who you are that I know Iām never going to be able to change your mind, not really. Nothing I say can do that, itās me whoās the swayable one.
āI have to tell you all the same, butā¦
āBut I donāt know what to say.
āI guess itāsā¦leaving is as simple for me as staying is for you. I thought what I was doing was right, but it wasnāt, so I changed what I was doing. And I thought what I was doing then was right, but it wasnāt either. And after that, I thought that was good, too, but it was just another fucking fuck-up. My whole life has beenā¦been just this trip of fallacies and constructions and empty fucking actions.
āAnd if Iām being honestā¦if Iām being really, truly honest with youā¦Anna, I think this one is a mistake, too. I thought everything else was right and it was wrong, and thereās no reason this is going to be any different. None.
āButā¦I respect youā¦which means Iāve learned to respect myself. This might be the wrong thing, Iām terrified, Anna. It might be the wrong thing but that doesnāt make what I was doing with UNATCO right.
āSo I guess what Iām trying to say is this.
āIn a little while, theyāre going to tell you a lot of things about me. They probably wonāt need to lie to you; itās probably all going to be true.
āBut Anna. I know how I feel about you goes both ways. So Iām asking- Iām- Iām pleading with you Anna, for both our sakes.
āYouāre going to believe them, because thatās who you are and thatās how this goes, but donāt forget who I am, too.
āWhen they tell you Iām a traitor, remember who I am. When they tell you Iām a terrorist, and Iām evil, and corrupt, remember who it is theyāre talking about. And when- when they send you after me, and they will send you after me, and youāre looking down the barrel of a rifle and the loyalty inside you is finally forced to make a choice between what you say and what you feelā¦
āLearn from me, Anna. Like Iāve always tried to learn from you.
āAnd if you pull the trigger all the sameā¦at least pull it on me, and not who they tell you I amā¦ā
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