into the pensieve

Enzo | Pampanga, PH | Bibliophile

[augustboyy]

Where have I been?

[augustboyy]

Hello

[augustboyy]

He is haunted by ghosts that don't exist.

[augustboyy]

1.27.17

[augustboyy]

I feel good knowing that whenever I share my books — either by lending them, giving them away as presents, or donating them to the public library — in a way, I’m helping, I’m making a difference, and I’m making the world a better and happier place, one book at a time. :)

[augustboyy]

Wandering into the writer’s block is much the same as getting lost in a foreign neighborhood, where you know no one and no one knows you, neither. From the outside, the houses all look rather cheerful, almost inviting; only you’ll discover that, beyond the open doors, they are actually deserted. Empty, even. You roam the streets trying to map out a route, in hopes of finding a way out. “There’s got to be one,” you tell yourself with a blind sense of conviction; except any which way you turn, it seems to lead nowhere. You try again and fail; after some time, it becomes frustrating... exhausting. Panic starts to seize upon you, and you can’t tell exactly which feels worse— going round and round pointlessly, or reaching a cul-de-sac.

Where Am I? | 1.17.17

[augustboyy]

01/17/2017 I shall remember today for all the good things, and all the good reasons. :)

[augustboyy]

some days, for some reason, you can’t think clearly, like you’re drunk or being hit in the head with something blunt hard enough to make you reel and you’re dizzy you’re disoriented out of focus and you feel like like you’re about to throw up your breakfast supposing you even had the appetite to have one or you feel like collapsing or screaming or something and and your on the verge of a breakdown that you dont even notice let alone care about mispellings or gramaticcal erors orusingthespacebaror at least a few punctuation marks here and there in, fact you, put the commas in the, wrong places ur freakin out ur usng txt lnguage intntnlly omttng d vwls 2 sve tym or sp ace and then realizeujustdontfuckingcareanymore you talking gibberish rubbish nonesense balderdash youre becoming redundant becoming redundant dude easy chill calm down calm down please calm the fucking down this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass this too shall pass this to shall pass this too shall pass this to shall

[augustboyy]

When you earn the respect of like-minded people, it’s the sort of validation that counts the most, and does wonders to your self-esteem and overall being. Just when you thought you’re probably the nerdy, geeky, dorky, mentally and emotionally unstable weirdo that folks think you are (or think you to be), here come people who say otherwise. People who share that common peculiarity (or “craziness” if you so prefer) and whose ideas find a genuine spectator in you (as yours in them). The kind of people you feel like opening up to, without the slightest hesitation or the fear of being judged. And all of a sudden, you do not feel alone; all of a sudden, you feel like this vagabond star instinctively wandering into the constellation where you finally and truly belong.

It’s a wonderful feeling. :)

[augustboyy]

When you just arrived at a party or meeting and not five minutes into it, the urge to head back home irresistibly kicks in.

[augustboyy]

… and in that interminable stillness dwelt the larger mystery with its equally big and, not to mention, countless questions that, left unanswered, would themselves scream loud enough to be palpable amid the already deafening spell of silence

[augustboyy]

Slowly, apprehensively, he approached the mirror and stood still before it; he could not quite recognize the person staring back intently at him. And then, like an ominous specter, a moment of epiphany came to be: he hasn’t laid eyes on this person in a long while… or rather, he hasn’t considered— let alone dared — to really look at him and look him in the eye. Oh, how he has changed! He was scrawnier than he could remember, almost a skeleton beneath a meager layer of palish flesh. The once sunny eyes now sagged with a dense kind of sadness, so overt that any attempt at concealing it would easily fail. The hair— it’s a tangled mess which could well rival that of his very existence. All in all, he had metamorphosed—suddenly, drastically, and quite unstoppably — into the hideous stranger barely standing motionless on the opposite side, transfixed by his very presence. And the tragedy of it all is not so much as how appaling the transformation had been, but more how, he has now contemplated, it had all been because of his own helplessness— that all this was not of his willful choosing, but that all the same, it was his own creation— something he could have combatted or even stopped from the point of conception, but was unfortunately powerless when he had the chance to. Somehow, someway, he had done all this to himself.

[augustboyy]

… but then, there thrived dreams in the waking hours as well— the kind that come almost unbidden summoned up in a mystic fashion from the remote and unknown recesses of the universe inside our very heads

these dreams— they hang suspended in and around us, above and beneath, even deep within they’re like inconspicuous cloud forms whereupon castles towered, and the streams and waterfalls gushed silver and crystal-clear

where the lands one treads upon abound in gardens and greeneries and in blossoms of all colors and kind

whereupon rainbows adorn the sky and the sun glows golden all day, while the rain simply obliges to pour whenever it is called forth and where, in the nighttime, the stars put on a breathtaking show till the lights of aurora take their place

these are the dreams to dream awake— the dreams one can visit, and revisit, at his liberal pleasure the dreams to readily, justly and authoritatively superimpose over the despicable visages of the mediocrities, the trivialities, the anomisities, the insanities, the indescribable hurts and grievances and the innumerable sadnesses of this place we call the real world

[augustboyy]

I get quite antsy whenever I’m told about social functions and that it’s imperative to attend, which also means having to brush up on my already pathetic social skills.

[augustboyy]

It’s not how rough or shaky it starts, it's how it eventually pans out.

This is the story behind every struggle overcome.

As the age-old proverb says: “All’s well that ends well.”

Have faith, and always keep your fingers crossed.

[augustboyy]

And this is how far my recent (and quite surprising) fascination with lighthouses can go— getting my hands on anything and everything that has it in it.

[augustboyy]

Long before 2017 commenced, I have stopped making personal resolutions, new year’s or otherwise. Not that they don’t work, or that I don’t believe in them anymore. If you can count being more realistic and practical as such, then I may have just conjured up a few for myself without realizing it. Then again, the resolve to grow, to be better and wiser than our current selves, no matter how simple or ambitious, can hardly be carried out by just identifying goals or targets and jotting them down on a list. Without deed, without practicality, without “walking the talk”, what are they but mere gibberish on paper, with no apparent meaning, force, or benefit whatsoever?