rybie🦴 @augustknights - Tumblr Blog

i dont know how to protect myself from such things when at the same time i crave them enough to beg, and the only thing stopping me is the teeth that bite my tongue because i know its never made a difference before

being nothing unless im something sexual is a pain i can never entirely explain

all the memory of a supposedly fun trip does it make me hurt. the one chance i had to be away from my parents and do something fun, explore, do something cooler than ive ever done before, i spent looming around people who hated me most and ended up more isolated than ever

if i could chose to stop crying forever, i would in a heartbeat

why is it so hard ti be worth something in the world

all i can say to myself these days is how it hurts so bad, and i am worth so little. i havent been this bad in so long, but i would pay money to have eyes on me and feel the important of them beam through me,m. to feel important and beautiful really does sound like a dream though

the humiliation of crying in public over something i shouldve understood long ago

i want to stop hurting like this all the time, feeling like im such a chore even though its the only truth ive ever really lived with the whole time. being threatened with living with my dad the moment i was just with mom. that birthday where she spent so much money on me to make up for a weepy morning as a kid, thats really where the guilt all started. with her, every nice gesture is to make up for a worse one disproportionately. every moment is a moment i feel guilty and unloveable. always being the “easy” child because they never had to teach me anything, and id shut up in a fight too easily. even when i was told flat out to just kill myself by my own mother. it hurts so bad, everything, at all times. im an awful kid, and even if im better than my siblings, theres always someone out there doing a hundred times better. even if im trying so hard, it doesnt make me any more deserving, and thats a struggle ill always have to live with

it interests me how most aspects of my life are something im more comfortable controlling; getting it done, making the plan, using my method to make sure its done right, saying the important things, forcing things to happen. i dont always like it, but i find myself taking the lead nonetheless. but when it comes to intimacy, the last thing i want is control. just anything intimate, i want to see what i mean to someone else what what they want of me, i want to see the choices they want to make probably because they don’t always show it otherwise. nothing makes me feel more sick than thinking ill be forced into a place of power and unable to back down, stuck in that leading role where the one thing i get to relax and not take the lead to will become a full rounded circle of my entire world being in my hands. i think about all of it a lot, and i wish i didnt feel the need to control so much, but i fear some things wont come to me naturally,, the destinations i want, the moments i dream of, the way i want to be held, the names i want to be called. even taking lead and explaining or baiting them out of people around me makes me feel worthless, like im only around to get the job done, and im not even really cared for because i have to force the caring out of people. its scary, and with how i am in this moment in time, i feel it is worthy to shut down over, but in the same vein, with me running all the games and boundaries, i cant shut down, because otherwise theres no one to take the lead and catch it all, alongside me

my dreams betray me like its some kind of trip wire system to see where i fail and where im fine so it can continue the loop of giving me bad dreams till death, all with no choice, no matter what i try

its a dull headache and feeling too blank to really say something substantial, anything,, it gets this hard in waves, and until its over, it still means just as little as it always has in the grand scheme of things, it doesnt matter, and it wont till i stop doing the things i need to do, which ill never stop, so ill be in this motion of not being enough till im done with it over and over again

are you ever just in great physical pain from mental strain or is that just me oh okay

theres not room for me to break down, to cry, to be as loud as my body us made to be,, theres not space for me to act off and someone notice. theres not room for someone to care, partially because i cant believe such a thing exists when its gotten this bad over so long, and also because im too far gone to accept it anymore. its the same thing as its always been, waiting too long and now i just cant bare to find out what its like to experience again, anything

every night is hard again, and it physically hurts to cry,, i dont know how low i have to get for it to mean something to the people around but also just myself,. ill accept anything at this point. ive felt so low for so long with no true help that i get used to it and assume its normal, that im still more sufficient just because i know how to push myself through and ignore how it physically hurts me. its been like this for so long consistently; swearing im okay to myself, being in too much pain from the emotions im holding onto for dear life, crying so much till i cant anymore for days, and going to bed every night wondering if ill be okay enough to take on tomorrow. there is so much more, and it feels more unbearable than i show, but id pay a million dollars and more just to be asked if im okay. over and over again too. because i know ill say im fine or just change the topic the first few times someone asks because indont know how to feel safe confiding anymore

i want your warm but it will only make me colder when its over. i live by that really

i really would kill to be pretty enough to be worth something. worth holding or cooing to. worth saying sweet nothings because it’d mean something to lose me, but thats now how it is, and i dont think ill ever be great enough to be worth as much as others mean to me, in any sense

theres not room for me to be down, theres not room for me to slack in any aspect of my life. its tiring, and it hurts, and i havent cried like this, involuntarily, in so long

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rybie🦴