untitled fox blog

abi/piper/em?/whoever else is in here 26 🏳️‍⚧️ congrats you found my side-sideblog. this is for the even deeper stuff that i dont want ppl to see on my side blog. i probably dont want you to be reading this, but im also needing to make these thoughts public to scream into the void, so consider this privileged information.

[cherrypillowzz]

letting go of your illusion for the first time can reveal some surprising things

[autismwaif]

sometimes i think id kill myself if it wasn't for the toll that would take on my loved ones. i think that my life isn't worth mourning, but that wouldn't stop them.

[autismwaif]

if lori wasnt at my home tonight, id probably be cutting myself as soon as i get home

[autismwaif]

why am i never able to feel that people care about me, even when they say they do

[autismwaif]

why do i always feel so much pain when the thought that no one actually cares about me crosses my mind. ive gone so long with no one caring about me, i should be used to it by now.

[autismwaif]

people find me attractive but no one actually wants to fuck me and its actually driving me insane. i feel so terribly unfuckable i don't even know why i try anymore.

and the thing is that i feel like thats my one redeeming quality. thats the only thing people like me for. if i cant cash in on that then whats even the point of me being around anymore. a waste of space, a waste of attention.

[autismwaif]

first place i was called a faggot. from the vantage of the stop sign, the truck could see what was being done to me in the bushes.

[autismwaif]

most of the memory is blocked out. i just recall bits and pieces. i know that all i could focus on in that moment was a littered bic lighter on the ground, not far away. what i vividly remember is the feeling of shame and guilt afterwards. that feeling has never fully left me. i sat marinating in that feeling while i toyed with the samples of dried coral on my father's dresser upon returning home.

[autismwaif]

first place i was called a faggot. from the vantage of the stop sign, a truck could see what was being done to me in the bushes.

[autismwaif]

cutting during the daytime is a new low for me.

[autismwaif]

for the first time since being a free fox im actually afraid of rejection. like up until this point ive known im hot shit and i know ppl talking to me want a piece of this. but suddenly im meek and afraid of being rejected and messing up.

i really like this girl and i think i want to be more than friends but idk if she wants to yet or at all, and i really dont want to mess up that friendship. ive seen the way she loves and i think its so beautiful, and if she ever romantically pursues another again i genuinely hope it would be me. but i dont want to risk her thinking im friends with her just because i want to date her because its not just that; i really love who she is and i want to continue having her in my life in any capacity, but it aches to not have that be a romantic one.

[autismwaif]

shes in a similar place as me, being burned too many times by ppl using her and/or abusing her and so shes wanting to focus on deep friendships, same as me. i really love being her friend, except now im getting these much deeper feelings for her that i want to explore and im scared about that!!

i want things to go super slow regardless but ugh i just wish i could know whether or not im barking up the wrong tree; whether or not i should snub out this ember glowing inside me, or if i should nurture it and let it burn.

[autismwaif]

idk if she saw this or im just that obvious but we talked and i am barking up the wrong tree and honestly im happy to know that. i can snub thoughts before they spin out of control and thats a good thing for my self regulation. im happy with this level of friendship and nothing more.

[autismwaif]

for the first time since being a free fox im actually afraid of rejection. like up until this point ive known im hot shit and i know ppl talking to me want a piece of this. but suddenly im meek and afraid of being rejected and messing up.

i really like this girl and i think i want to be more than friends but idk if she wants to yet or at all, and i really dont want to mess up that friendship. ive seen the way she loves and i think its so beautiful, and if she ever romantically pursues another again i genuinely hope it would be me. but i dont want to risk her thinking im friends with her just because i want to date her because its not just that; i really love who she is and i want to continue having her in my life in any capacity, but it aches to not have that be a romantic one.

[autismwaif]

shes in a similar place as me, being burned too many times by ppl using her and/or abusing her and so shes wanting to focus on deep friendships, same as me. i really love being her friend, except now im getting these much deeper feelings for her that i want to explore and im scared about that!!

i want things to go super slow regardless but ugh i just wish i could know whether or not im barking up the wrong tree; whether or not i should snub out this ember glowing inside me, or if i should nurture it and let it burn.

[autismwaif]

for the first time since being a free fox im actually afraid of rejection. like up until this point ive known im hot shit and i know ppl talking to me want a piece of this. but suddenly im meek and afraid of being rejected and messing up.

i really like this girl and i think i want to be more than friends but idk if she wants to yet or at all, and i really dont want to mess up that friendship. ive seen the way she loves and i think its so beautiful, and if she ever romantically pursues another again i genuinely hope it would be me. but i dont want to risk her thinking im friends with her just because i want to date her because its not just that; i really love who she is and i want to continue having her in my life in any capacity, but it aches to not have that be a romantic one.