Winter songs and autumn lullabies @autumnlullaby - Tumblr Blog

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On the feeling of I love you. As I look up at you.. my heart feels so close to you. And hearing you say I love you, it also feels like what I’ve been waiting for. From you it feels right… even if its soon, it feels right. As you tell me youve been thinking it for a while. That sometimes i seem uncertain and you want me to be able to feel confident in your feelings.

As you tell me youve never felt before like someone loves all of you the way i do. That you can't understand how my exes let me go. That it seems like they hurt me badly and you can’t understand why they would. And you genuinely can’t seem to comprehend how anyone would not love me, not value me.

These moments when you look at me so endearingly like I am your whole world, and you tell me that you are lucky to have me. That you can’t believe you managed to find me. That I make you happy.. bring you happiness in everything.

on a butterfly wing.

I am not sure who you are. I don't trust the words that anyone tells me anymore. I don't trust myself to judge, anymore.

You are not anyone I have ever imagined to be in my life.

But still, I hope the best things from you. I hope that you might be everything I hoped for, or maybe just everything I needed.

We are all scarred these days, everyone a little bitter, a little damaged.

And maybe we are all afraid.

I'm afraid..afraid you won't live up to my hopes, afraid that you might and I'm not ready to embrace it.

You are still only a stranger, but still you moved my heart a little.

I hope you are sincere. I hope this is who you are at heart. I hope you are always kind, always genuine in your affections. I hope all of you is real. I hope you do these things because you want to.

I hope we will be good for each other.

on safety.

You can't find safety and security in emotional unavailability.

I always thought you were the right person. Just the circumstances, the situation, maybe it hasn't been the right time.

But if this is true, and this was what I loved most about my time with Bryan, and it was what mattered the most, then maybe you have never been the right person.

Maybe I would have never felt that way with you. That kind of safety, the ability to be myself as I would like to be, even as I imagine it I think...it would never feel that way with you.

I'd forgotten, but I miss it. Being free to be happy or unhappy and never wondering if the other person would leave.

That was safety. That was love.

on waiting.

I am an impatient person by nature, but I am very good at waiting. It surprises people how much time I can pass by myself, how easily I entertain myself.

I have to be very good at waiting, because a lot of people have made me wait for them in my life.

I am impatient by nature, so it's never come naturally to me.

But I've also always cared too much, so I choose to wait however long it takes.

It rarely pays off.

A lot of waiting for you feels very familiar to me. It's second nature, some of the way it goes. Do you remember the very beginning, the first time I ever asked to spend time with you?

Much of the last 5 years have been a blur to me. But you I remember. Everything was baby steps. Slowly becoming friends, slowly inviting you to things. Gradually becoming closer, gradually integrating you into my life.

Texting you until it became second nature, telling you about my life until it was reflex. Waiting for you to change your mind, waiting for things to get better.

Waiting for your texts, over, and over again.

I don't want to spend my whole life waiting for you.

It makes me feel desperate. It makes me feel like my time is less important than yours. It makes me feel like you don't care enough.

I hate waiting. Everyone who leaves me waiting...they never quite cared enough.

I don't want to wait for you anymore.

on the hardest things to sacrifice.

I think that at heart, I am a generous person. I want to do things for people, and it makes me happy when they are happy.

But over the years, people take it for granted, and they take me for granted instead.

They don’t always mean to, and sometimes they even try not to, but the things that take the most to give are always the things people see the least.

That’s you.

You, always afraid to owe me, afraid to take advantage of me. Always feeling a little guilty and maybe not quite good enough for me some how, and yet defensive for thinking it.

So you try to make it up in all the small ways. You try to do the things that make me happy. You let me pick the things I like. You cater to me whether it comes to the games we play, the food we eat.

If I really asked you for anything, if I wanted it enough, maybe you would do your best to give it to me.

But the things that are the hardest to give you…it’s always been the things that you don’t see.

It’s spending time with you when you seem indifferent. It’s approaching you when you are tired, moody, reticent. It’s doing things with you without seeming like I had to try, it’s looking out for the things you want, the things you might have never known you needed, and making it seem like second nature. It’s understanding the things that you do, and the things that you don’t do and forgiving you even when I don’t want to.

It’s letting you disappoint me over and over again. A thousand tiny paper cuts, and I let you even knowing they will sting.

This is what loving you is like.

on the things everchanging.

It never really matters how much changes between us. Over the last two years, we've been everything, and everything in between. We've been as close as we could be, and as distant as we could be.

And though things have changed, they also haven't. After two years, where we are...aren't we exactly where we were two years ago? Don't I still wonder the same things, still uncertain where we stand with one another?

I know you better now, and you, I. You treat me better now, learned to value me more as a friend, learned the things that make me happy.

But the things between us, they are the same. Always, everything else in your life comes first.

You are responsible, and that is one of the best things about you. But obligations come before all else. And I...I will never be a priority.

I want to come first for someone, before their obligations, before their responsibilities.

I want them to choose me first, to believe I am the most important responsibility to them.

It won't be you. And I'm coming to realize that I want to be loved like that, even if it means I won't be loved by you.

Maybe our time has passed.

Maybe I am hanging on so much that I haven’t noticed our time has already passed.

I always thought you were the right person, and for me it was the right time. And our only problem was for you, I was the right person at the wrong time.

But as I think about it now, maybe you were also the right person for me at the wrong time. Maybe it was never meant to be.

I wonder how much of the magic between us is real, and how much of it was created by me.

I was always so certain that it was just that you couldn’t see it. That you were the one in denial, the one so resistant to acknowledging everything between us. I was always waiting for a day when you would realize… and it always felt like the day would inevitably come. That you would see that the people we are to each other only come once in a lifetime.

I have always been so certain you are the right person for me, and I am for you, that it’s always been impossible for me to accept that it might not be true.

If I had believed in fate and in destiny, I would have believed that my strings were tied with you.

But somehow you are the one to prove me wrong. And over time, I think maybe you are the one who is right.

Maybe it is true, maybe I have always created it all in my head.

I don’t even know anymore, if you are really the right person for me.

Only that it feels too late now. Like it was too early before, and too late now.

Maybe we were never destined to be, only I wanted us to be.

If I learn to live off the little scraps of attention that you give me, I will be teaching you and myself that this is what I need, that this is what I deserve.

If I am willing to settle for this, then this is what I will get.

Do I feel like you give me just the right amount of care because it feels like it’s what I need, or because I’m not used to someone doing more for me?

I’m not sure. Maybe in my life I have always been used to being the one to do more, to try harder.

Maybe I am afraid to be loved more. Maybe I don’t feel like it’s something I will ever be able to have. Maybe it feels too good to be true.

Everything with you was so good at some point, that sometimes it makes more sense to me that it didn’t work. It makes sense that there’s no way I could have something that great, that I wouldn’t be able to find a person who both suits me and is willing to make the effort.

It’s not normal to always be fighting to be loved. I am drawn to you because I’ve always had to earn your life and your affection. And that’s familiar.

I don’t want to do that my whole life.

Why should I fight to be with someone who always leaves me feeling like maybe I’m not quite good enough?

Even now you break my heart all the time.

Everytime you don’t respond to a message, everytime you see me and you don’t have much reaction. When I do things for you and you seem ambivalent, when it’s clear I think of you much more often than you think of me.

Every time you break my heart, I slowly learn that maybe you are not for me.

It tells me, I don’t want someone who will make me feel this way.

I don’t want to always be waiting. I don’t want to tiptoe and always have to gauge your moods. I don’t want to have to guess why and when you will be at your peak self.

I want to just be able to know, whenever it is, wherever it is, however you feel, I am always welcome.

And from you, maybe that would never happen.

If they wanted to, they would.

These are the things that are hard for me to accept.

I would rather make excuses for why someone would choose to disappoint me than to acknowledge that they made it a choice to disappoint me.

I don’t want to have to say or acknowledge, that if they had really wanted to, if they really thought I mattered that much, they would have made the effort.

Even when it’s the truth. Even when I know deep down in my heart, that’s why it upsets me.

I want to think the best of you all. I want to always think, it is unintentional. It is fatigue, it is forgetfulness, it is obliviousness.

But in reality, sometimes it is just callousness. It is just… not enough care, not enough intention, not enough effort.

And it is sad, but it is the truth. If they wanted to enough, they would.

I had forgotten in between.. when you had asked if we really had anything in common. When you said that sometimes when we were together, you would wonder… what are we really talking even?

It cut me to the core. All the many things I thought we had in common, all the magic I thought was in our relationship.. it’s not there for you. The conversations I always thought were so fun, the conversations that I have enjoyed, but I have accommodated because it’s how you like to talk… these are the things you don’t think mean anything.

I know that this is about you. I know you were afraid.. and you panicked and everything about me and us was wrong.

But the one that it hurt was me. Because I did nothing wrong, but you made me question the very core of everything I knew about us.

I had forgotten.. but in these moments we are both tired and searching for things to say to each other, I am reminded.

Can I still keep you in my life? When I still feel the hurts from you so deeply?

On the hurts that don’t heal.

Sometimes, I forget the things that have happened. I forget all the pieces in between, all the things that we’ve said and done to each other.

I forget, and all I remember is the blurry happiness of being with you.

In order to forgive you, I had to forget. Because I always cared too deeply, because it hasn’t stopped mattering. I want you to acknowledge how deeply you hurt me, but I am also not sure what for. Would it change the past? Would you have not done it if you knew?

No… in the end, you would have walked away no matter what it cost me.

I wanted you to choose me, and I want you to choose me still. And it’s hard because you keep not choosing me, again and again, and yet I keep waiting and hoping you will change your mind.

I don’t want to be almost chosen, or almost loved.

I want to be loved out loud, consistently and frequently, the way I missed out on and always wished I could be.

I deserve it because I am good, but I would have deserved it even if it wasn’t. You should have just loved me, because we chose to be friends, because you chose to try. You should have loved me… because I should be with someone who does and who can say it.

The hard thing about trying to let you go is always feeling a little like we were so close but we missed.

Part of me just always wants to give you a second chance, wants you to give me a second chance.

Part of me wants to think…we would get it right the second time around, if only we could try.

And I would gamble everything, knowingly, for slim chance that we might figure it out this time around.

Sometimes it feels like after you I forgot how to cry. Like my emotions feel a little disconnected from the rest of me…like if I could have been that sad and there were no tears, then there is nothing that should bring on tears.

Sometimes being friends with you is very lonely. It means always waiting for your texts, always giving into the urge to message you anyways, knowing you might not reply. It means having a thousand things I want to say to you, and not always having the chance to say it… because you aren’t always there. It means never really knowing where I stand, always feeling a little insecure about what I mean to you. It’s living in every good moment we have together and riding it like a high, never knowing what the next corner holds and free falling all the way back down.

How many roller coasters have I ridden with you? How many until it’s too many… I am not sure.

You are so important that I have carved my life around you. But I can’t even tell you that this is true. I am forever stepping back in fear that this little extra effort is too much.

You are the one who made me so much more responsive at texting. Always afraid to miss the moments you message, knowing if I wait that it might be so much longer until you’d respond again.

But no matter how much time passes, how relevant the topics I speak to you about are… you never seem quite so excited to speak to me that you can’t forget to respond.

How foolish for me to wait around for disappointment.

When you are kind, I am suspicious. I wonder if you feel like you owe me, if you are making something up to me. When you are indifferent I am disappointment and resigned. Unsurprised but still wishing things were different.

When it is like this, then I think… maybe we weren’t meant to be. I want to want better for myself.

I want to expect more of you and know I’ll get it. I want to not be afraid to ask you things. I want to not be scared of your answers. I want to feel like I know how important I am to you. I want to know when and what has mattered between us.

I understand you.. in some ways more than anyone else. But it is only the tip of the ice berg, and I forever feel like there are so many questions I’ll never have answers for.

You are one of the greatest moments of my life. No matter who you are to me one day.. I know I will look back and still think you were one of the greatest chapters. After all this time, I still find myself maybe half in love with you. Forever fond, forever indulgent. It’s not your fault, not really. But it is hard to love you, and you are one of the greatest trials of my life.

I hope to find my peace with you one day, even if it means leaving you. I think… even if you are not in my life one day, you will be one of the people I loved the most. As a person, as a friend, you etched yourself so deeply on my heart. I have said it once… that we have seen the best and worst of each other. I have never had anyone break my heart so deeply. And yet somehow there was still room to forgive you and learn to love you despite it all.

My life would never be quite the same without you in it again. Is that the same for you?

Entry #4

Because all I can seem to remember is the good things, and because I'm so determined to forget all the reasons it didn't work.

You didn't choose me.

You didn't choose me again, and again, and again.

You didn't choose me as I put myself out there first, as I put everything on the line for you over, and over again.

In theory, I understand that our relationship was always more about you than it was about me. You have always adapted to change slowly, processed things slowly, unhurried in all these little life milestones. The things that people think about in days, weeks, could take you months, years to do.

You, someone so prone to overthinking that it's hard for you to let go and not worry...everything takes you a little longer.

I am not patient by nature, but for you I always wanted to wait forever.

I know, to this day, that it didn't really matter how good or how bad I was in our relationship. It didn't even really matter what your feelings were or weren't, only that this relationship threw off every precarious balance in your life, and it was doomed from the beginning for that reason alone.

You were never ready for so much change, and even more, you were never ready to embrace the change.

It's never mattered if you loved me or not, as a girlfriend, as a person. Only that your capacity to love someone is limited, that it will never be able to overcome the trials of everyday life and everyday pressures.

So I do know, in theory, that it was never about me at all.

It's hard to let go, because I can never tell if you're the one in denial or I.

Because you do love me - this much I know for certain. I know that you brighten around me. You are a little looser with people, a little more open to joining conversations and letting them approach you. Sometimes I feel a little like a window for you. Letting you look out, and letting people look in.

You appreciate me, this much I also know. I don't know anyone else who thinks of me as well as you do, who has seen some of the best and the worst and still thinks so well of me. You catch all the little moments and nuances behind the things I say, and you find them funny, you find them entertaining, or you just care enough to be invested.

There are moments that linger. Where your touch is casual but affectionate. Where our time together feels precious, and we protect it when we can.

These are the moments that catch me all over again. I didn't love you when we dated, but I learned to love you after. Because it was impossible to forgive you and learn to accept you without learning to love you for all that you are.

And some days I look at you and I think I still love you, and it's so hard to put you behind me.

But even now you won't choose me, no matter how many uncertain moments happen between us.

I have always wanted to give you everything. So I deserve to be loved better too. Loved more.

I want to love someone who chooses me. Who knows how to, who wants to, who I don't have to push to be loved.

If it's not a yes then it's a no.

This is what I should remember, when it comes to you.

That it doesn't matter the concessions you give, the edges that soften over time. It doesn't really matter, how much ground I think I gain, whether it's true or not.

In the end, it's never enough. It will never be enough. I always want it to be...and I always think that maybe if I'm just willing to accept a little less.

I hope I never do.

I hope I never settle for less.

I hope I always think I deserve better than to have to accept less than what I want.

We are always something special. But maybe it's always only been me who thinks so.

You have always been...kind of everything I want.

But beyond that, even more than I want you, I want to be truly loved and wanted.

And even if I had you, if I didn't have that, it would never be enough.

So I just have to remember. Perhaps our time together will be a whole mosaic of little snippets of joy. Maybe you do make me laugh more than anyone else does. You are, maybe, one of the people who spark the most happiness in my life.

But you don't want to choose me, and if you don't choose me then it's not enough.

If it isn't a yes, then it's a no. And that is the end of that.

I don’t know if it’s me, or it’s the season, but some part of this month always makes it especially heartbreaking to think of you.

The longer we are friends, the more I realize how different the way we see each other is. You do love me a lot.. you do spend a lot time doing thoughtful things for me, you do get touched by my words.. but in the end I am just a friend, and I will always only be a friend.

I deserve better than a relationship like that. This I know. I do know I deserve to be able to find someone who can love me the way that I love, that I shouldn’t have to be chasing, that I shouldn’t have to change myself or my standards.

I know that I am somebody good, but I always loved too deeply and for too long.

I hope that I will leave you behind someday. I hope that one day I will think of you with affection and fondness but not excitement. I hope one day you will no longer have the power to break my heart so easily.

I hope one day I will expect nothing of you, so I will stop being disappointed. Sometimes it is so easy to fall out of love even when you’re trying…but why is it so hard to leave you behind though I have every reason to.

I hope one day, I can truly believe that I deserved better than what you could give me. That I deserve better than to constantly be trying and being disappointed.. that I deserve to be prioritized and wanted.

Until then… one day at a time.

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Winter songs and autumn lullabies