Because all I can seem to remember is the good things, and because I'm so determined to forget all the reasons it didn't work.
You didn't choose me again, and again, and again.
You didn't choose me as I put myself out there first, as I put everything on the line for you over, and over again.
In theory, I understand that our relationship was always more about you than it was about me. You have always adapted to change slowly, processed things slowly, unhurried in all these little life milestones. The things that people think about in days, weeks, could take you months, years to do.
You, someone so prone to overthinking that it's hard for you to let go and not worry...everything takes you a little longer.
I am not patient by nature, but for you I always wanted to wait forever.
I know, to this day, that it didn't really matter how good or how bad I was in our relationship. It didn't even really matter what your feelings were or weren't, only that this relationship threw off every precarious balance in your life, and it was doomed from the beginning for that reason alone.
You were never ready for so much change, and even more, you were never ready to embrace the change.
It's never mattered if you loved me or not, as a girlfriend, as a person. Only that your capacity to love someone is limited, that it will never be able to overcome the trials of everyday life and everyday pressures.
So I do know, in theory, that it was never about me at all.
It's hard to let go, because I can never tell if you're the one in denial or I.
Because you do love me - this much I know for certain. I know that you brighten around me. You are a little looser with people, a little more open to joining conversations and letting them approach you. Sometimes I feel a little like a window for you. Letting you look out, and letting people look in.
You appreciate me, this much I also know. I don't know anyone else who thinks of me as well as you do, who has seen some of the best and the worst and still thinks so well of me. You catch all the little moments and nuances behind the things I say, and you find them funny, you find them entertaining, or you just care enough to be invested.
There are moments that linger. Where your touch is casual but affectionate. Where our time together feels precious, and we protect it when we can.
These are the moments that catch me all over again. I didn't love you when we dated, but I learned to love you after. Because it was impossible to forgive you and learn to accept you without learning to love you for all that you are.
And some days I look at you and I think I still love you, and it's so hard to put you behind me.
But even now you won't choose me, no matter how many uncertain moments happen between us.
I have always wanted to give you everything. So I deserve to be loved better too. Loved more.
I want to love someone who chooses me. Who knows how to, who wants to, who I don't have to push to be loved.