Average Joe

You've just reached the deepest point of the rabbit hole, welcome to the dark side! This is a place for the screams of a man who has hit the rock bottom, and there's no way up... if you read this, you're probably too late. Don’t send help.

[average-joe21]

So this is a scream to my subconscious so I can be more conscious: I’ve been grinding my teeth -non stop- for over a week

It’s been intense, I feel tense, anxiety is overshadowing my excitement.

I’ve been happy, yet scared..I’m taking my future to places, but my fears are tagging along.

[average-joe21]

Turns

I sit down here,

Trying to escape my fears….

———-

*break*

————

*scrap the paper, write again*

Here’s the thing,

I try to run away from every emotion I have,

I run away from facing them, even in those words…

When I put my hands on the keyboard, I don’t write anything good… I force myself to write shit that I don’t like

My well organized thoughts are like butterflies… once I chase them they disappear; if I catch one, it dies away!

I’m so natural at failure… Like Bundy, I killed all the good in me.

It’s like I hate feeling good, I’m too afraid to shine, so I close all my curtains and let my soul to die

I run away, I run away from everything good in me

You see:

Gains are born with pain, and I don’t like to get hurt

Affection comes with attraction, and I’m too scared of letting people down when they need me

Success is reached through hard work, and I’m afraid it won’t be worth it

I saw bad life as good, and I saw good as bad… And who am I to be in the place of God!

I’m too shy, no… I’m too scared… No, I’m too dumb!

I sit my ass down, trying to shut my thoughts down… I get tired every morning, so Iay down at night and tire myself some more, and wake up drained the next day!

I won’t learn anything new, I will never improve myself to be who I want to be… you see: with learning comes trial, with trial comes failure, with failure comes doubts, with doubts come self-hatred!! I’ve hated myself for so long, it’s becoming a bad joke, a stale meme… I’ve hated myself for so long it’s no longer cool!!

I’m a doubter, a disbeliver, I’m a shadow of my own self, A self destructed man!!

I missed the turn, I missed so many turns… I no longer know the road home!

[average-joe21]

Once, I built a castle;

And with one stroke of pride, anger and despair,

I smashed it,

The castle -in my hands- turned into sand.

I thought I built a home;

But, as everything unfolds, so did my heart: shattered, destroyed and feeding on its own void.

[average-joe21]

‪My own suicide scheme: lose control, let everything go... Stay at my own home, not seeing light for months, years maybe... Lose all my money, get forced to live in the streets; then one day get ran by a fast car.‬

*God’s Plan music plays* I don’t wanna die for them to miss me

[average-joe21]

Scribbles from the papers of an expat!

I ran away,

I did everything you say,

I stabbed my past with a sharp stick,

Left all those questions unanswered,

And I flew,

I ran away,

But still I cry,

Still I feel so numb inside,

Still I keep toying with thoses ideas,

And suicide still crossed my mind...

And in this new big city, I still confine myself to these tight four walls that I can’t escape,

Still I feel so alone, but this time, I AM alone...

I’m trapped, these walls are choking me, forcing me to beat my own demons, and watch my heart and my mind fight till death

And everytime I realize I can’t help but dwell on my failures, my lost emotional investments, that are reaped by others

(three times, woah... three times in a row... three times you have to wear a fucking fake smile as you watch them go)

Why do these thoughts keep haunting me, I thought I buried them at the airport!

Why do I have to think of my failures and the success of others; I thought I waved them all goodbye...

Why do I have to hear that voice that keeps telling me to hate myself, hate my job, hate my friends, hate my past, hate my present!!

And why do I have to write some words no one will ever read.

[average-joe21]

And if I told your secret, the world will know money can’t stop a suicidal weakness

Kendrick Lamar - u

[average-joe21]

Scrapped paper from the diary of an expat

All I wanted to do was, just to run away from all of this

To find my own peace

To clear my mind

To be left alone,

I took my flight,

Landed into a city that’s not mine,

And now I have to sit there and pretend,

That this is my home,

This is my view,

This beautifully busy city is my city,

that skyline is mine,

And that I will stay here forever;

I have to wake up here,

Sleep here,

Work here,

And live like I belong here...

And for some reason, I am feeling depressed

[average-joe21]

“Let the past die... Kill it, if you have to, that’s the only way to become what you’re meant to be”

~ Kylo Ren

[average-joe21]

One Last Adrenaline Rush

All it took was a moment,

A gut feeling,

Nothing preluded to it,

Nothing lead to it,

I was spending time with friends,

Hearing their stories, Laughing at their jokes, Checking my instagram,

I later got up, Shook their hands, Waved them goodbye, I drove home, Had a sandwich for dinner, It all felt like a normal day, And in the midst of all this I opened my instagram again, Put my headphones on, played a song, Then I opened up the window and decided to jump, Let myself fall down...

All that's going in my head now besides the adrenaline rush, is whether anybody is gonna miss me,

Will they rush to take me to the hospital?

Take look at me my body gives up on me?

Will they shed a few tears when the doctors tell them "he didn't make it"

Will they cry at my funeral,

Will they remember me after I'm gone,

Should they even care?

Do I really matter?

Or will the blood and the pain that's about to happen will all go out in vain?

Will they notice that I'm gone?

I don't think I even want them to...

Did I close the window before I jump?

Oh shit... I forgot to!!

[average-joe21]

An Ode to The Odds

Maybe seeing her name makes cringe, and feel sad for what might have been but couldn't be,

Maybe seeing him only made me feel sorry for leaving him take the advantage on me...

Maybe seing them happy, makes me feel bad, leaves me with bitterness and spite...

Maybe I just wanna crush all the glasses with my bare hands, and piss in every ocean, and destroy everything beautiful,

Maybe I just feel like I don't belong, like I've been taken out of my habitat, like a fish out of the water,

Maybe the good in me is actually making me weak,

Maybe the bad in me is trying to grow,

Maybe It doesn't really hurt that much to be a jerk,

Maybe I'm fooling around here and there, sticking to people that say they love me, but I don't feel the same about them

Maybe I'm experimenting,

Maybe I'm trying what it feels like to be wanted, those touches, those hugs, those kisses, those drunk love bites

Maybe I'm just afraid of disappearing, and walking away from those who want me,

Maybe I'm afraid they'll hurt themselves, the way I would have done to myself

Maybe It's compassion, nobody should feel the same way that I felt,

Maybe it's because I wanna keep hearing those words, getting that attention that makes me feel good about myself,

Maybe seeing them feel bad, actually sends me a message to feel good

Or maybe I'm lost, wandering, not knowing what to do All the hatred, the spite, the self-loath, the love, the lust, the pride, the sorrow, the pain, are all just a part of that wandering;

Or maybe I'm just lying to myself...

[average-joe21]

Losing a friend

There's nothing that makes you feel like being a bad friend more than losing a friend to death...

I took a friend for granted, for so many years, all the memories we shared, the desk we used to sit, the jokes that made us laugh, all the stress that made us scared, those small dreams we had, those decisions we had to take, all the promises of staying in touch, they all went down in the drains of time, work, all the big dreams we grew up as we faced our own tests.

I took a friend for granted, and today I lost him, we went down in different paths, life took us apart, and I never felt the pain of him being out of my life than when he passed away. And I never felt the pain of him being out of my life than when he passed away.

I never felt the pain of the truth, that if he was alive, and if we crossed paths, we would have stopped for a few minutes to recognize each other, and if we ever did then we would have shaked hands, hugged each other and gave each other a pound, talked for a few minutes before leaving each other and going back to our own seperate lives, with empty promises of catching up, to which we both would know that would have never happen.

All of this just leaves me with the inevitable conclusion: we're bad friends, we grow up and leave the people we share memories with behind as we try to reach our dreams.

We grow up, and we get old, old enough to witness our friends passing away, old enough to watch our deserted whatsapp groups as they become an obituary. Yet, still dumb enough to learn a lesson from all of that.

[average-joe21]

A small prayer in a holy night - Draft

Dear Lord, if you hear me, if this whole thing is true...

Then on this day, in this very special night: Please help me repent for my sins,

I have been losing so much, please let me protect my wins,

Please grant me the ability to learn from my mistakes,

Help me become stronger, and wiser

Feed my soul with rest, make my heart stop aching my chest

Help me find peace, help me stop torturing myself

Grant me the knowledge to know right from wrong, when I have to know what is right and what is wrong (not later)

Help me deal with the pressure, make me mentally and financially richer

Make my pen stronger, let my ideas flow like the ocean, Set me free, make me see the world, not from a small screen

Help me win, let me set my aims even higher...

Keep me satisfied, yet hungry for more

Make me appreciate the moments of happiness, the presence of friends, the love of the family

Grant me the confidence I need, to feed my soul, to trust myself

In this night, on this day, dear Lord, I beg thee:

please grant me the power to love myself.

[average-joe21]

Depression memes on facebook posted this… It’s everything I need to say

[average-joe21]

تاني

[average-joe21]

Things that will never be said

So this might be the last time we meet, And on this occasion, I gotta tell you that I have a lot that I want to clear; And I wouldn’t care if I lose you anymore Because I never had you at all

Since I got your message, You said you wanted to meet And this time around, And for the first time, I’m not trembling, I’m not confused, my heart is not beating and my mind is no longer racing

It has been a year since you told me, It has been a year since You got me shocked, And now I changed a lot And I did grow up a lot And I’m achieving something now Is that something big or not? Well that’s for me to decide And you’re not going to be with me to decide on that

See, I told you I grew up a lot Grew up to know that me and you would have never worked out That I don’t need to have you in my life That our paths are different That I wasted my life waiting for you, I grew up to know that I don’t need you anymore That I’m free, that my heart is now unchained

I loved you, from all my heart, I kept it silently because I was afraid of being hurt That’s how stupid I was, because that’s how much I loved you, I was afraid of losing you As a friend, as a lover and as a loser

It turned out that I lost you both ways But that was a year ago, Now things done changed And I’m glad I’ve learnt this the easy way, Or the hard way, shall I say That I lost 7 years of my life, chasing a lie A thought in my mind, a wish in my heart

I’m glad for all you’ve done to me Look how you made become, I still have a lot of things to question myself about, But trust me, of all of those things, you’re not one, Our story is nothing but cheaply plotted romance that was all in my head And now I’m convinced, that our love was born dead.

So from the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best, Now that I got this one of my chest, And Now My thoughts and my heart can finally get some rest.

[average-joe21]

New year's resolution

To love myself...

[average-joe21]

Paying my dues to the society, one at a time... Next: total solitude

[wh0re-t0-a-cha1nsaw-deactivated]

Can’t even describe how much I hate myself.

Self hatred. (via wh0re-t0-a-cha1nsaw)