Losing My Mind

thoughts about art from an average artist

[averageartthoughts-blog]

Fear of the Future

Should I be scared of the future and seeing myself as an artist?

No.

Am I scared of the my future as an artist?

I'm not sure... yet. I know I should be able to stand out with moderate success in a world of 7 billion people with even more countries entering into first world country status. However, I can't shake the constant delread I have faced all of this summer. I fear that I, a white Male from a middle class family and a garbage public school system will NEVER find my place. I know it's ridiculous. But at the same time is it? I am 20. I have lived on this planet for 20 years. I have lived in the same house for 20 years. The boldest thing I've ever done is go to Grand Junction for school. GRAND JUNCTION. The tiny dinky town. I went to an university that people of this state don't even know. For art. I fear I will be stuck with student loans with:

1. No promise of a job

2. No substantial income

3. A lack of skills to do what I truly want to do.

I have lived in the same house for 20 years. With my parents. I don't have any life skills and I know I'm gonna have to learn how to be an adult the hard way. And as an artist its gonna make that even harder. I won't know where my next paycheck will come from. I will have to make heavy investments in my profession. I will probably have to work a real job in addition to doing what I love. I'm stressed even thinking about it. My hair has been falling out faster than ever and I'm not even in that part of my life.

I haven't had the same formal education as the big artists. I didn't go to yale. I didn't go to RISD. I didnt even know what those were when I was applying for school. I haven't even had a figure drawing class yet and that's what I want to paint. People younger than me have had those. I have been deep in my head this summer actually trying to actually plan out pieces or even just think about a theme or a message. I fear I will never reach a fine art level with my art. I have been sitting with 2 absolutely beautiful 2x2 feet panels that I made, fully gessoed and ready to go. I'm too scared to put anything on those panels without a plan. I fear I will never get anything on those panels. In my painting workshop class, you have to actually plan pieces and show some prep for a piece. I fear I will never come up with even a thumbnail. I fear I will be the one person in the class who still has to take teacher assignments because I killed my creativity. I fear my creativity will never come back. I fear I will have put so much effort into developing painting skills and It will all be for naught.

[averageartthoughts-blog]

Does art need a message?

I don't know. I certainly can't figure it out. I've been pushing my tiny little art brain hard the past few days trying to come up with actual concepts. I thought it would be easy. Instead all I have found is a minor self pity and self doubt streak. I have been fortunate enough to be prideful of my work for the most part, being the one all my art friend look to for guidance when they are wallowing in self pity and doubt; however, I have become that person needing help. I can't find out how to link a message to my art or create art that has a deeper message. I know how important a message is in art (ex. Francisco Goya) but I don't have a personal message to put into the world. I'm not religious, political, or anything of that sort. All I want out of this world is to have kids, paint until my heart is content, and live a modest life. I don't know how to mix a message into paintings when I don't have any message to begin with. I know I have to develop a "Thesis" to graduate from school, but I am really unsure of where I want to go right now. I am a portrait painter. A portrait painter who wants to paint like in a figure drawing class the rest of my life. I don't know how to bring a message into portrait painting especially. Like how can a portrait give a deeper message? Were the great Renaissance painters really focused on creating a message for their paintings?

As I wallow in my self doubt and become more and more confused, I hope to finally break this rutt of hours of staring at my blank panels, too terrified to make art without a message. I'm spooked that this semester I will be forced to abandon my passion to create art with a greater meaning than just creating to create. They push message so hard in school which is a good idea but I really am struggling. Does art need a message? Why do colleges push message so hard when historically a lot of art did not have art? How do I link a message with my portraiture? How to I defend myself if I don't have a message?