Fear of the Future
Should I be scared of the future and seeing myself as an artist?
No.
Am I scared of the my future as an artist?
I'm not sure... yet. I know I should be able to stand out with moderate success in a world of 7 billion people with even more countries entering into first world country status. However, I can't shake the constant delread I have faced all of this summer. I fear that I, a white Male from a middle class family and a garbage public school system will NEVER find my place. I know it's ridiculous. But at the same time is it? I am 20. I have lived on this planet for 20 years. I have lived in the same house for 20 years. The boldest thing I've ever done is go to Grand Junction for school. GRAND JUNCTION. The tiny dinky town. I went to an university that people of this state don't even know. For art. I fear I will be stuck with student loans with:
1. No promise of a job
2. No substantial income
3. A lack of skills to do what I truly want to do.
I have lived in the same house for 20 years. With my parents. I don't have any life skills and I know I'm gonna have to learn how to be an adult the hard way. And as an artist its gonna make that even harder. I won't know where my next paycheck will come from. I will have to make heavy investments in my profession. I will probably have to work a real job in addition to doing what I love. I'm stressed even thinking about it. My hair has been falling out faster than ever and I'm not even in that part of my life.
I haven't had the same formal education as the big artists. I didn't go to yale. I didn't go to RISD. I didnt even know what those were when I was applying for school. I haven't even had a figure drawing class yet and that's what I want to paint. People younger than me have had those. I have been deep in my head this summer actually trying to actually plan out pieces or even just think about a theme or a message. I fear I will never reach a fine art level with my art. I have been sitting with 2 absolutely beautiful 2x2 feet panels that I made, fully gessoed and ready to go. I'm too scared to put anything on those panels without a plan. I fear I will never get anything on those panels. In my painting workshop class, you have to actually plan pieces and show some prep for a piece. I fear I will never come up with even a thumbnail. I fear I will be the one person in the class who still has to take teacher assignments because I killed my creativity. I fear my creativity will never come back. I fear I will have put so much effort into developing painting skills and It will all be for naught.











