just leave me here to die

Personal (?) blog. Closer to a diary than a blog. If you know me IRL, please do not follow or look at this blog 💛

[averygooddaytodie]

i honestly don't think i will ever have a partner again. because i will never want to introduce a woman to my family and i don't really want to date men. because what i stand to lose is more than i could ever hope to gain.

once you tell your family, or at least once i tell my family, it's an active decision for them every single day if they're still going to accept me. like maybe dad will accept me today but change his mind tomorrow. maybe aunt lisa will decide i'm not worth existing around anymore and i won't be invited to christmas. even if they don't do anything, our relationship would forever be different. and i could never serve communion at a friend's wedding or bring up the gifts at a relative's funeral or anything ever again. and then would my mom's relationship with her siblings suffer? and then even old friends, business people, every moment is a decision to accept me, and they might change their mind at any moment.

and i don't want to choose any one person over my entire family. and i know i won't. no matter how much that person would want it.

[averygooddaytodie]

oh no, i'm annoying them again

[averygooddaytodie]

i wish i could tell before it happens like, when my friends are going to get annoyed with me. like if i ask them for advice about a mutual coworker, will that annoy them? what if i tell them a story that happened to me today, will that annoy them? what if i talk about myself, will that annoy them? but what if i ask questions about them, will that annoy them? what if i don't respond for a while, will that annoy them? but what if i respond too much, will that annoy them? this is what we should be using AI for - i want a pop up before i send every single message with a 1-10 rating of how much this message will annoy my friends if i send it

[averygooddaytodie]

i'm sorry i can't sit there and listen to you talk about how you received such a wonderful opportunity that i deserved too and didn't get because my director at the time was a vindictive cunt. i'm sorry i can't listen to you say someone else's opportunity is being wasted on them because you would think it was being wasted on me too. and i'm sorry i don't know what i want out of life

[averygooddaytodie]

sometimes i get in my feels about the homework situation. like if you have a student that is repeatedly not doing their homework like, something is going on, right? and maybe it isn't your job to figure out what's going on, but i do feel like it's your job not to yell "you're not funny" at that child when they start to tell you why they don't have their homework done. and i feel like it's your job not to yell at them when they do their homework in study hall. and i feel like it's your job to not take them to the teacher with divorced parents and have her tell the student how she knows divorce is hard but she still got her homework done. and i feel like it's your job not to hate an abused ten year old.

[averygooddaytodie]

jason called me at like 5:30 to ask if i was still there and i didn't see that he had called me until like more than an hour later and so i didn't call him back but like half an hour before that i also took a couple stoppers out of a trash can to put on kaelynn's desk and now i'm worried he was calling me to get me in trouble about taking stoppers out of the trash but i'm also worried that i'm gonna get in trouble for not still being there at not even 5:30

[averygooddaytodie]

i can't honestly tell if them ignoring me makes me sad because i feel like they don't care about me or if it makes me sad because i don't want to bother them so they don't leave me

[averygooddaytodie]

this used to help me a long time ago. to be able to say things i wanted to say without having to bother anyone else with them. maybe i need that again

[averygooddaytodie]

sometimes you're drunk on a thursday night at 9 pm because of how it is but you're literally on call 24/7/365 so then someone calls you with a complex issue and you're drunk and then you die

[averygooddaytodie]

i just. i wish my brain was different. that's all

[averygooddaytodie]

i was trying to wake ginny from snoring by wiggling so that she wouldn't feel bad about waking me up and would think that i was just wiggling but it backfired because now she got out of bed and slept on the floor cause i was wiggling too much and now i feel bad

[averygooddaytodie]

ryan said something to me and it was true and he absolutely had the right to say it but it just. it has made me so unbearably sad. i haven't been this sad in years. and it was just one single comment and it has ruined not one but two days and at this point and i'm afraid i won't snap out of it. and i feel like normally i can at least blame being sad on being tired but i really can't right now. so i'm just sad

[averygooddaytodie]

at age three, i wiggled away from my mom at the public pool and jumped in when i couldn't swim. a stranger saved my life as i clawed at his legs. my mom didn't even know it had happened.

at age five, i told a lie about my brother. i said he spray painted the school. the school principal questioned me alone. they eventually called my mom, but not until i was already in tears.

at age eight, i got called to the school nurse because i only showered every other day. she lectured me for what seemed like hours. my mom never even knew.

at age eleven, i didn't finish my math homework. my teacher asked me where it was, and i didn't even get to say a word before she yelled in front of the whole class that i wasn't funny. i cried in the hallway for the rest of the class.

at age fifteen, i lost an entire group of friends because i was gay. most of the people i ever hung out with gone. because of who i was.

at age nineteen, i was chased by armed masked men on my college campus. i truly thought i would die that night. the police wouldn't even let me press charges. they wouldn't even tell me the names of the people who assaulted me.

at age twenty-two, my job sent me on a trip to michigan during the polar vortex. it was -50 outside. i couldn't leave the hotel. i cried every night.

[averygooddaytodie]

time to play one of my favorite games: am i too drunk to drive or is it the normal unfocused-ness of my ADHD meds wearing off

[averygooddaytodie]

i really need you to understand that this weekend not working for me followed by the next two weekends not working for you which results in me not seeing you for a month is not entirely or even the majority my fault and i'm not saying it's your fault cause people just be busy sometimes but i am saying give me a lil break

and you said "an upcoming weekend" and i said yes and that may not necessarily mean this weekend and if you had said the following two weekends didn't work for you i may have tried harder to be free this weekend but UGH

and it's not like i have other fun plans it's just literally that i'll be working twelves and that makes it so i have very little free time cause also please consider like a minimum of six hours of sleep plus maybe like an hour of showering and getting dressed and commuting and stuff so that's like five hours max of me getting to hang out with you plus i will be very tired cause shutdown is physically exhausting and it isn't worth you driving a total of six hours to get to hang out with me for five hours

anyway whatever if you had told me "an upcoming weekend" had to be this weekend or like a month from now i would have told you but whatever

[averygooddaytodie]

when i explained that i couldn't come over earlier in the day because my mom had a flat tire and she needed my help, you said "sometimes you have to tell mom 'no.'" i want to communicate what i felt about that.

1) i understand that you were frustrated that i had cancelled last minute again. i did weigh that when i agreed to help mom with her car, and i decided that abandoning my mom when she needed me was worse than cancelling last minute again. i apologize if that's a different decision than you would have made, but it was the decision i made, and faced with the same circumstances, i would make the same decision again.

2) you asked whether there was anyone else that could have helped, and the objective answer to that question was no. tony was at work and wouldn't get off until 3, grandma was at the grocery store and wouldn't have been able to get there for over an hour, grandpa wouldn't have been able to help because he has alzheimer's and so we can't really rely on him for help, and mom isn't married or dating anyone so she doesn't have a significant other she can call. and what would she have done if i wasn't there? i don't know - i guess just freak out. maybe call tony from work. maybe just wait there for hours until someone could help. maybe risk calling grandpa. i don't know. the point is that i was there.

3) i will always help my mom when she needs me. i will never say no if i am able to help her. yeah, if she needs help moving or something, i'll happily try to reschedule if i have a prior commitment. and yeah, if she just wants something, i can say no. but if she needs help right now, i will always drop everything to help her if i am able. she would drop everything for me.

4) i was saying no to her at the exact moment you said i should say no to her sometimes. i had plans to go to grandma's house with mom to play games that night after dinner. but since i had cancelled on you earlier, i asked them if we could reschedule. that's really beside the point, but just for your knowledge.

5) and i think this one is actually the most important to me. i felt very deeply scared in that moment. i felt that, if we move to another city, far away from all my family in kc, that you might not help me in a similar situation. that you would say you had plans already and that you couldn't help me with my flat tire or whatever because you would be busy with your friends. and if you said that and i was in a city far away from all of my support structures, there wouldn't be a damn thing i could do about it. and that terrified me. yeah, the odds that something like that would happen are pretty low, but obviously it does happen. and yeah, i could buy AAA or something. but that's just for the flat tire. what other unforeseen circumstances might i run into that you wouldn't come to help me?

i'm not intending this as accusatory. and i really am sorry to have cancelled on you again with such short notice. but i need you to understand that i felt very hurt and very afraid when you said that.

[averygooddaytodie]

i cancelled last minute last weekend and ginny got mad about it which is reasonable and then so like i felt like i had to agree to this weekend and that is like enormously inconvenient for me but like i felt like i couldn't be like "mmmmm next weekend doesn't work" cause she would have been like 😠 but like this weekend like super doesn't work and like. i just straight up don't know what to do about it. and like.

okay so like mom just found out her cat has a tapeworm again so tipper needs a shot again asap. i have a vet appointment saturday morning at 9:45. it sure would be convenient to wake up at mom's house where my cat is saturday morning and not half an hour away at ginny's. and then like you hate to take your cat to the vet and then leave as soon as you get home. so it would be convenient if i could spend the day at mom's house where my cat is.

so i could spend the evening friday at ginny's and get to mom's just in time to go to bed and stay the night there and then get up and take tipper to the vet and then spend like an hour or two at mom's with tipper and then leave and go back to ginny's but 1) i think that would still upset ginny 2) it would also upset mom

or i could not go to mom's and ask her to deal with tipper but 1) that would be rude to mom 2) that would upset me 3) that would be mean to tipper

or i could stay the night at ginny's and try to get up in time to make it to the vet on time but i think i would end up being late and miss my opportunity and possibly harm tipper by waiting another week and that would upset me and also physically harm tipper

and this could all be solved if ginny's place was safe to keep tipper but it isn't plus she would probably not let me anyway because tipper occasionally destroys

and i think what would have solved all of this was if i had just said no to going out last weekend but like i can't just not have friends because it makes my girlfriend mad and like that's ridiculously and unfairly oversimplifying it but like dammit i'm sorry