Rambles and Brambles

brambles that ramble

[avoidance26]

Summer

Summer is a weird time. Everything is desperate to grow. To get as much as it can before the sleep of winter takes hold. I feel like that's where I am. My summer has just begun and im trying to grow but I'm not sure I am.... or at least I'm not sure I'm growing in a way that is.... Normal..... Ok? I'm not sure. What does it matter if I grow differently than others. Why should I compare my growth to any others... Some flowers bloom all winter.... I've always been obsessed with normal or ok. I've never known if I'm either. How does one decide what that is? I think I'm ok I think I'll bloom when I'm ready.

[avoidance26]

Old Wounds

Was that a nightmare or a memory? Maybe some wounds went too deep now scarred and faded but still evident in the dysfunction of my mind. Old pain makes me breathless but realization calms me. Those halls are gone that cruelty over. Now just a purring mass of fur kneading me as I sleep. Curtains move quietly as a fan spins. Now the pain fades. Now my eyes feel heavy and darkness takes me.

[avoidance26]

Like this?

Has it always been like this? Have I always hated this role? Didn't I have some noble goal? Wasn't I excited for this..... No. I chose not because I knew what I wanted, I chose because someone older than me with just as much as anxiety said it was the best choice. Now I dread it everyday. More stress more alarms more people who need me but I don't want them. I don't care anymore I just do it because I know I have to. When will the day come that I turn a blind eye and somebody dies. They say burn out is real yeah it's real and I'm ashes.

[avoidance26]

Seasonal Defect

I can't sleep... or is it that I'm sleeping too much? I wander through my own home dazed and confused. Anxiety like hoove beats or thunder in the distance. I'm carrying these feelings underneath my eyes. How can he look at me and say I love you? I look like a dead fish that's been in the sun too long. Still he kisses me and says I love you... I love him too. This will pass just like every other season. I take a breath and find comfort in the motion of sweeping or in the smell of soap in a hot shower. The cold will pass and so will this.

[avoidance26]

Too Real

Ever have a dream so real it makes your skin crawl? Like there might be a life inside of you itching to burst free. Like you're a universe cooped up in a bubble made of skin and bone and doubts. Who had that lady been? Did she have a family? She seemed so worldly as if she had lived and lossed and loved. What about him the scar from a burn across his. He was kind and the way he looked at you made your heart feel like light. He barely knew you but it felt like you wanted to know him. The park had been beautiful. You went because you needed to think. To clear your head. A stream and a pond full of lily pads. Where are you going? A university.... you think..... I think? He wasn't staying but neither were you. The lady laughed she had seen it before... her?.... her child?.... then he came..... that scar flat on his face almost not there so beautiful. She saw she knew. She laughed. You felt.... I felt..... better? Sun setting leaving peace..... then awake.... was I dreaming? Am I still dreaming? He was here my curly haired dragon. He kissed me I smiled. He laughed I need sleep but heart racing skin crawling.... who is dreaming???????

[avoidance26]

These times of night.

I loved these times of night. The quiet would surround me like a blanket but now I just feel jumpy. At any moment my skin could go charging off without me. Is it because of how little is left. How much hard work we put in but then how little we receive. Maybe it's his constant need for attention his constant posturing. I know I need to take a breath before I suffocate. Breath breath breath. Is that how I deal with this just breath till my lungs burst or till I'm flat like a leaf. Is that how any of this works? Is that how I'm suppose to stop my mind from reeling in this void. It's so hard to breath when every decision you've ever made feels like a lead weight. It's so hard to breath when you feel lost in the world you made. Maybe we should stop..... give in let go. Not flat like a leaf or ragged burst edges. Still. Cold..... no no we've tried that before. It didnt work then it won't work now. Its quiet now he has stopped his constant motions. Some part of me has come to hate him. Some part of me still sees him as a little brother...... I hope he leaves soon.