I&#x27;d rather die on my feet than live on my knees

#Cole just being unapologetically himself over here #And doing so VERY LOUDLY #musings

“I’m never ashamed of my words. My words are me and how I feel. If that’s a crime, then they should not have given me a mind and heart.”

— Scottie Waves

#musings #Yeah this is Cole's philosophy in a nutshell

“I don’t want to sit around and hope good things will happen. I want to make them happen. I want to be in control of my own destiny.”

— Drew Barrymore

lovedbyaster

but also here’s a recycled thread that never went anywhere, now it is an open!

“Hey, no no no no, turn it off - turn it off,” the flashlight was a screaming beacon announcing their position in the woods. Normally that would have been completely normal and not at all questionable. Currently TK was covered in scratches, torn clothing (what used to be a crisp, clean paramedic’s uniform), wrists rubbed raw by whatever bounds he had just escaped; he was shivering cold and this person, unfortunately, was smack-bang at the end of the trail he’d just dragged through the woods in an effort to escape as quickly as possible, which meant they were now involved.

His breathing was labored. TK ignored it. This person would have felt the blood on his hands as he covered the end of the flashlight, trying to swallow the bright.

“My name’s TK Strand, I’ve been missing, my team will be looking for me, I’ve been gone for a week. Do you have a phone, can you call 911?”

#parameddic #I vaguely remember you saying TK could be drugged #so my brain took that and ran with it

"TK?"

Hearing the familiar voice once his flashlight was blocked should've brought relief— that audible rustle wasn't a bear or some crack job looking to jump passing hikers— but something wasn't right. TK didn't seem to recognize Cole, and his speech was... off. Slurred almost. And the torn clothing was definitely not from the bush. Still, he follows the cue and flicks his flashlight off.

"TK." The android tries again as his friend starts to fumble through an introduction. "TK, buddy. It's me, Cole. Listen, we're not in a cell tower's range right now, so I can't call for help. I do have a tent nearby, though. Let's head there so you can take a breather and patch up some of those cuts you got, yeah?"

Cole doesn't push for an answer when Markus doesn't reply. In fact, after a minute or so passed, he figured the guy got cold feet. Still, he offers a hand to hold onto, a silent reminder that he wasn't alone.

Then the words finally seemed to fall out, and the elder's heart sank. It was no secret that Simon died that day. No one questioned how because everyone assumed it was the violence of that day. But now, knowing the truth... Fuck, it was no wonder that Markus was hurting.

"He sacrificed his life to save yours." His voice softens a bit more, now. "He wanted you to live on, and my guess is he saw no other option. Whether it was for the cause, or some other reason, I can't say... But I know he liked you, a lot."

❝ i guess it wasn't technically even my own, anyway. ❞ markus adds as an afterthought. ❝ it belonged to another android. from the junkyard. that's another thing i can't get out of my head. i can't un-see it. just... pieces of them. but i got out. why? ❞ it's a question he's been asking himself a lot lately: why? why did he make it out? why did he get a second and third chance to live, when so many lives were lost? some at his own fault. it's too much.

he leans forward, head in his hands. ❝ i'm exhausted, cole. ❞ a dry laugh follows. ❝ and i'm scared that these feelings are never gonna go away. ❞ it's like he said before: this truly did feel like a punishment: being forced to continue. being forced to stay strong. with simon gone, cole was really the only person he could break down in front of. and that really wasn't fair to cole, constantly having to see him like this.

#wearealive #tw: ptsd #tw: depression

At this point, Cole couldn't quite tell if Markus was even listening. He wouldn't be surprised if the answer was no. Between the multiple traumas and the multitude of responsibilities and pressure, it's only natural for one to get stuck in their head. Still, Cole keeps responding, hoping desperately that the words can bring some small comfort. It was the least Markus deserved after all he's done.

Careful not to make any sudden movements, Cole stands up only to drop to a low crouch next to Markus' chair. A hand reaches out to tentatively rest on his knee.

"Well, the good thing about feelings is that they're never permanent." Or at least that's what several songs in Cole's database said. "It may not be today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon... But one day, it will get better. Until then, you know you've got me to lean on whenever you need it."

It's times like this that Cole was grateful for the trust Markus puts in him. The elder has known for some time that his leader was struggling— hell, it was impossible not to, after that one incident— but the problem was how or when to bring it up. Thankfully, Markus made that choice for him. Now, the pair sat in Cole's 'office;' a room he chose because it was away from prying eyes. He could get work done and console distressed androids while maintaining privacy. Markus in particular could unload his burden without fear of anyone overhearing.

"Can you tell me more about what you're reliving?" Cole's response is calm, measured. A little unusual for someone known for their short temper and harsh choice of words, but this was the role he's learned to take as councilor.

the two sit in silence for a long while after the question is asked. he knows where cole is coming from. he wants markus to say it out loud. but talking about it only makes it more real. ❝ simon. ❞ eyes rise to meet cole's for a brief moment before he closes them. he pictures the individual in his head, tries to relive the moment.

❝ i got shot in the chest. when the humans made their attack. it was the first time... ❞ a hand comes up to his heart, as if he's experiencing it all over again. ❝ it was the first time i felt pain. i hid behind one of the barricades, but simon found me. i had sixty seconds until i shut down. our hearts turned out to be compatible, so he— ❞ another pause, to compose himself. ❝ i just remember him pulling out the damaged one, replacing it with his. and the look on his face. relief, and regret, and fear. we only had a few seconds together before he was gone. i don't know why he did it. i feel like i don't... deserve this. ❞ he motions again to his heart. ❝ i just want to take it out. but it's the only thing left of him. he'd never forgive me. but i don't know how the hell i'm supposed to live like this. i'd rather be dead than... punished like this, every day. ❞

#wearealive #Don't mind me casually throwing in some simarkus angst

Cole doesn't push for an answer when Markus doesn't reply. In fact, after a minute or so passed, he figured the guy got cold feet. Still, he offers a hand to hold onto, a silent reminder that he wasn't alone.

Then the words finally seemed to fall out, and the elder's heart sank. It was no secret that Simon died that day. No one questioned how because everyone assumed it was the violence of that day. But now, knowing the truth... Fuck, it was no wonder that Markus was hurting.

"He sacrificed his life to save yours." His voice softens a bit more, now. "He wanted you to live on, and my guess is he saw no other option. Whether it was for the cause, or some other reason, I can't say... But I know he liked you, a lot."

open to all~ from post-revolution marky boy

❛ i can't move forward. i keep reliving this moment over and over again, and i'm stuck. ❜

#wearealive #Cole's got his amateur therapist hat on fr

It's times like this that Cole was grateful for the trust Markus puts in him. The elder has known for some time that his leader was struggling— hell, it was impossible not to, after that one incident— but the problem was how or when to bring it up. Thankfully, Markus made that choice for him. Now, the pair sat in Cole's 'office;' a room he chose because it was away from prying eyes. He could get work done and console distressed androids while maintaining privacy. Markus in particular could unload his burden without fear of anyone overhearing.

"Can you tell me more about what you're reliving?" Cole's response is calm, measured. A little unusual for someone known for their short temper and harsh choice of words, but this was the role he's learned to take as councilor.

calamitousmonster-deactivated20

Please reblog this if it’s okay for me to just pop into your ask box to RP with you even if you haven’t reblogged a meme because I just want to RP with you

#musings #“I will not let my syress level control me” is super fitting here

“I will breathe. I will think of solutions. I will not let my worry control me. I will not let my stress level control me. I will simply breath. And it will be OK. Because I don’t quit.”

— Shayne Mcclendon

@awak3andal1v3 There's a pause as he shuts his eyes tightly, and for a moment, he's glad his back happened to be to Markus. His brave leader, with little more than intuition, hit the nail on the head. Cole did blame himself, at least in part. Many factors played into Nathan's end. He knew that logically. And most of it wasn't even in the elder's control. But no matter how many times he repeated it to himself, the guilt refused to go away. "...I don't waste time wallowing in the past." His tone is even and measured, even as his temple whirs to yellow. The question burned, and its answer came about as close to lying as he dared get. "What's done is done. To dwell on what should've been is a waste of time and energy."

❝ i don't believe you. ❞ markus pushes. it's probably a bad idea, but cole had done the same to him in the past: refuse to be dismissed. ❝ i think you're choosing not to deal with it, because it's hard. and i think the longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be. why do you refuse to talk about it? ❞

#wearealive #He's so stubborn istg

"I just said, didn't I?" Cole's hands resumed their work, sorting through the latest shipment of biocomponents. A mundane task, but one that kept him grounded... Or, perhaps detached from the conversation. Either way, he was able to keep calm despite Markus digging at old wounds.

"Talking about it doesn't do a damn thing. Nobody can change what happened, and I spent enough years drowning in misery. My focus is on the future, where I can actually make a difference."

“If you don’t want to sink, you better figure out how to swim.”

— Jeannette Walls, The Glass Castle

“If it turns out that my best wasn’t good enough, at least I won’t look back and say that I was afraid to try; failure makes me work even harder.”

— Michael Jordan

“Fight and push harder for what you belive in, you’d be suprised, you are much stronger than you think.”

— Lady Gaga

justanotherrpmeme

Cathartic Crying Starters

"I've been holding it in for so long. I can't anymore."

"I didn't want anyone to see me like this."

"I thought I was strong enough to keep it together, but I was wrong."

"It's like a dam breaking inside me, and I can't stop the flood of tears."

"I've been suppressing this pain for too long"

"I kept telling myself I was okay, but the truth is, I'm not."

"I didn't realize how much I needed to cry until now."

"It's like all the emotions I've bottled up are pouring out at once."

"I've been wearing a mask for too long."

"I thought I could handle it."

"I didn't want to burden anyone."

"I'm sorry if this is uncomfortable, but I can't hold back the tears any longer."

"I didn't want to break down, but I can't fight it anymore."

"I never thought I'd cry like this."

[MOMENT] The sender reaches the verge of tears.

[BREAKING] The sender hits their emotional breaking point, leading to a burst of tears.

[SOB] The sender experiences a fit of uncontrollable sobbing.

[MASK] The sender metaphorically removes the mask they've been wearing, exposing their true emotions.

[TEARFUL] The sender apologizes for their emotional outburst, tears streaming down their face.

#memes

One of the perks of having an advanced voicebank is that Cole can let out the loudest, shrillest scream imaginable. Man could literally blow your eardrums out if he really wanted.

#headcanon

“Don’t let the same dog bite you twice.”

— Chuck Berry