Gratitude 18 Nov 17
and a rant haha
T’s lack of planning and letting me know whats going on just annoyed me in a very real way right now. I’m a little unsure about what to do in the few minutes before she gets here so I thought writing would be best. I’m realizing more and more that there’s plenty of love in my family but there’s not as much room to be honest in the moment about something that annoys you. So that it doesn’t become an argument, just a statement so that you’re not passive aggressive later. Having to unlearn some of those impulses is do-able but sometimes I’m mad I have to do it in the first place. I expressed dissatisfaction in my voice and words (I aim to be more graceful in this since it’s hard to hear when people have something negative to say about something that relates to them) and she let me know I didn’t have to be involved in it if I didn’t want to. It’s my nieces birthday so obviously I want to be involved and that has nothing to do with someone calling at the last minute about plans they presumed you were ok to be involved with.
I am ok with anger and frustration.
Being passive and silently upset is not fun or fulfilling.
I haven’t been upset in this way in a while so it’s kind of funny.
I value authentic expression of my emotions and don’t have to put a face on. I am good as I am. That is helpful for other people, because I can be truly passionate and loving and spread real love. Not quiet dissatisfaction. Just because its not vocal, or because theres a smile, doesn’t make it joy.
I love my family and know these schisms happen because we grew up in a way I don’t fully identify with/ there are plenty of obstructed paths and not talked about issues that are glaring and I feel really sensitive to as I’m becoming more aware. This is not me thinking any less of my childhood or not being grateful for the love and support and family I have. Everyone has issues. It’s me trying to navigate these things and make some new paths for myself and be open and courageous and very expressive with love in the relationships I have with people now. They look different from the way I grew up.
On another note. There are more reasons for me to be in North Carolina for a while. This morning I was counting the reasons why I need to stay here. But I need some space to grow. Some new soil. All of my heart is pulling towards North Carolina. It makes me teary thinking about it. But I see a lot of brightness during this Atl break and especially after. I see abundance. Things come very clearly when they are real. And this one is. I felt this way when I first started teaching yoga, but I was obstructed by a desire to please an ex-girlfriend. I do have the type of wealth I was looking for when I started teaching...time and ability to cultivate ideas and manifest (didn’t use that langauge back then). Now I am sure of a different kind of freedom in the next part of this journey. I’ve never lived on my own in an unfamiliar place for a long period of time. There is tons of growth. I see it and feel it.
