departing is my arriving wandering is my residence

{ what caught the eye of la touriste } { les choses que je pense et j'adore ♥ } { 怪胎觀光客的喜愛嗜好兼想法 (: }

[awkwardedtouriste]

this is not what i want my life to be.

to worry about what to cook every meal.

[awkwardedtouriste]

"maybe if you had an opinion sometimes it would show that you care"

way to use my easy-going-ness against me, bro

[awkwardedtouriste]

[awkwardedtouriste]

only my parents can make me wish i was never born.

only my parents can make me wish i was dead.

not a traumatic bicycle accident, not breaking my ACL.

[awkwardedtouriste]

[awkwardedtouriste]

how can you continue to play when i am just crying less than a metre away from you

[awkwardedtouriste]

intrusive thoughts 1 - me 0

[awkwardedtouriste]

fuck off i wrote my life story beautifully and it did not get saved.

[awkwardedtouriste]

hammock for my future home?

[awkwardedtouriste]

gotta learn this bloody white man attitude of doing what you're told to stop to do at your advantage just once more before stopping.

always using their fucking advantage.

act blur live longer not

act blur take one more advantage.

[awkwardedtouriste]

i finally finally reflected on 2024.

lots more had happened than i had remembered.

9 countries including spain!

saw the bananas 4 times each

several people got to visit

mountain trips 3 times

etc etc etc 🥰

for 2025:

i'd really like to attempt to get the driving license

i must must must get the translation matters done for the HFE and try for a SBF.

i really hope to visit singapore this summer

i need to raise my earnings - if not by work then by a side project.

small trips - i'd like to see cadiz or tenerife. menorca is a possibility.

i dare not dream beyond singapore for a big trip.

to an exciting 2025 with less fights, more pro-activity from luca and more understanding from me.

try to incorporate one more form of exercise on top of yoga - shuffling??

[awkwardedtouriste]

i will not be angry for you putting guilt on me.

you are a grown man, able to make your own decisions on whether you will attend a gathering or not.

i merely shared the facts. i will not feel guilt because i am not guilty. i will not feel angry because i am not guilty.

[awkwardedtouriste]

how to communicate your anger and displeasure when you try to be quiet and non disruptive and considerate at bedtime to your partner when they go to bed first

but when you go to bed first, they enter after all the lights are already out, by turning on a bright bedside lamp, READING A FUCKING BOOK, and refusing to agree to turn it off. only suggesting that you could wear an eye mask

A FUCKING EYE MASK? you rest assure from now on i will cease to be considerate. because why should i when you don't?

why do i have to type all these anger down just because your bedtime routine is to peacefully wind down and not get into arguments? what about my peaceful wind down? jarring lights do not contribute to my peaceful wind down to sleep

THANK YOU NOT

[awkwardedtouriste]

i am sad

i am sad you gave valentines no thought

i feel forgotten and under appreciated

valentine's day is a commercial occasion yes, but it is also a day to show appreciation for your partner.

never in my life have i ever had someone do something special for me, and it feels like this will be impossible for me.

it's not that i specifically want flowers or a gift. i want you to think of me, to appreciate me. to consider what i want or would like. i didn't even get chocolate.

i don't want to have to demand special treatment. am i not worth the extra thought? extra effort? extra spending?

i didn't feel special at my birthday last year neither. just a pair of sunglasses that i had to source for myself. i had to spare a thought for your budget, put in the legwork and buy it for myself.

in comparison, i buy you small gifts, as i earn less. i buy our tickets to milan for your birthday and spent time with you and your family.

what do i like?

i don't want to have to hint, ask or demand.

make me feel like i'm worth it.

i don't like hearing that you have contingency plans for when i complain. i should not have to be to complain if we want to move into a next stage of our relationship. i should be taken care of. not only now but for my future. if you want to take the next step, be prepared to think if that first.

now you don't even trust that i am requesting the correct amount from you and have to check

yeah i want my flowers. i'm glad you got over yourself to get them for me. but valentines dinner? split? come on. how cheap are you?

[awkwardedtouriste]

you always "joke" that i slow you down because i walk too slowly

but also when we walk together, say that i am rushing you

[awkwardedtouriste]

find someone who doesn't call you dramatic when you say "why don't you care about me?"

[awkwardedtouriste]

on 6 september 2021, you told me what i wanted to hear. without me mentioning that i needed it at all.

did you hear my thoughts? did you speak to my friends? i don't know. but we changed now.