Coram Deo.

The Expulsive Power of a New Affection

[ayocurtis]

Post-Grad Update

To be honest, I never really check Tumblr anymore. I don’t know what it is. Maybe my feed is too inundated with random content. I miss like Xanga or makeshiftonline back in middle school. All anyone did was blog and write about their life. I think that was more interesting. 

1. Work

I have officially joined the workforce. Granted, I don’t make a lot of money and it’s not really a long-term job, but I am enjoying it so far. I work at CHOP doing research in cardiac radiology. It’s a big change from my past research jobs and I love it. Something about having my own computer and cubicle is cooler than standing at a lab bench. No more pipettes, clear liquids, or cancer cells! At least, for now. My work is pretty flexible because I make my own schedule. Thus far, it hasn’t been very busy, but I am still the ultimate time-waster on the Internet. 

2. Gym 

After 9-5, I have been going to the gym directly from the hospital. Since I’m now paying for my own gym membership, I feel obligated to go often. I can’t believe I never used the locker room downstairs, but it’s really great since I have to bring a gym bag with me to work and change into athletic wear. Senior year was a huge struggle fitness-wise. Right now, I’m in a caloric deficit and really trying to do a long-term cut. Once I hit my target weight, I suppose I’ll do a lean bulk, but that might not be for a while. Being out of college means it’s a little easier to track my macros and be in control of my food. It’s honestly really fun to try to hit my daily intake. Some people think it’s ridiculous to weigh out my servings, but forget the haters! I know that if I stick with it, it’ll pay off. 

3. Apartment

One of the more fun things I got to do recently was design my own bedroom and decorate it the way I wanted. I love all my furniture and I really feel like everything I bought for my room gives it a very clean, modern, gentlemanly feel. The small things really go a long way. I picked up a valet tray and watch box so that my accessories aren’t just lying around on the table. I got a garment rack not only for extra hanging space, but also to put my favorite pieces on display as sort of decoration. Maybe I should post some pictures. I am still looking for wall art, but I really don’t feel the rush. 

 4. Fashion 

I guess I’ve been gravitating away from street wear and more towards clothes I can wear to work. Honestly, a little part of me will always love sneakers and the Obey clothing. But I’ve been trying to invest in pieces that sort of match the stage of life I’m in. Still trying to stay on top of trends and figure out ways to be unique obviously. 

5. Church

Really thought I was going to move on from RCF, especially after the summer. While I love all the people still in college, I realized I’m just in a different stage of life now. Even only being a few months removed... BUT PDan asked and it seemed like there was a need for a helping hand. Helping out a CG that has a few new servants so hopefully I can transition out by the end of the fall semester. Who knows? Maybe I’ll really like it and stick it out. Other than that, I am getting ready to check out YA cg’s also. Going to do my best to be balanced and build relationships on both sides!

6. The Future?

Honestly, I don’t even know where I’ll be in a year, but I have stopped worrying too much about it. Sometimes it scares me, but most of the time it’s okay. I have figured out that life will work out someway somehow. In the end, I hold onto my identity in Christ and remember that is all I need. 

I think that’ll conclude this post for now. Obviously, I’ve left out some more personal things, but I figure that if you are curious, you can just ask me directly.  

[ayocurtis]

Life Update

Procrastinating per usual by blogging. It’s been several months, so I figure it’s about time to post again with graduation looming. So basically I’ll study for a bit, write to take a break, and then study more. 

1. Staying in Philly for a year (hopefully)

I did the whole OCR/job hunt thing to see what was out there. I suppose all my doubts about being pre-med made me want to see what I could find. Ended up interviewing for some consulting jobs, but realized along the way that I would regret passing up on the chance to try applying to med school. About 90% sure that I’ll be able to stay and do some different research at CHOP in my gap year. I’m also pretty sure that this med school app process will truly test me and probably be very difficult. But I’m surprisingly not that anxious; I have more confidence that God has a plan for me no matter what. 

2. Graduation is surreal

I really can’t believe college is almost over. It’s also crazy to think that so many of the people I knew from freshman year are going on to do amazing things. My freshman year roommate is on a Fulbright and deferred UCSF med. I just can’t help but be in awe of everyone else. I think part of me looks at myself and is like “Dang. What have I done?” But then another part remembers how great college has been and how blessed I have been through my experience. Even so, I can’t believe four years went by so fast. My problems back then seem so small now. But it’s funny because I still have zero clue about what the future holds. Also, I look so different physically. I like to think I put on some muscle, but dang I was a skinny Asian boy back then. 

3. Non-stop planning/busyness

Have been super busy of late. April was a month full of RCF events. Had the pleasure of taking the lead to revamp Sister’s Appreciation Day. I was quite inspired by my friends from the UC’s and decided that it would be fun to do a joint event. Also, we set a bad example for the younger classes in pushing off our class event; thus, no one else really thought to do anything. It was so much work, but it’s the kind of work I really like to do: choreographing fun dances, making videos, planning decorations and crafts. I’m so thankful for RCF because I’ve been able to use all these random interests I have for ministry. In the end, it was a great event and I really think the younger guys came together. Hoping that it’ll set a precedent for future years to be equally awesome. Besides that, I’ve been trying to deal with post-grad stuff (job/housing), graduation, and med school apps. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but it’ll be fine. 

4. Relationships are goooood

I think Senior Year has been a good year in terms of having more fun and hanging out with others. Junior year was probably a low after freshman and sophomore years. But I really like that we’ve had a good group of people to hang out with. I am thankful for my co-leaders who are so awesome. I couldn’t have been happier with our dynamic and how much I love them. Been sowing into relationships in the hopes that I won’t be too lonely after graduation. 

Side note: both younger siblings are now in dating relationships (Hi Annie). I find myself being very chill about it and quite trusting. I think my view of other people’s decisions has changed drastically. I used to be so distraught about the lifestyle decisions of others. Now, I am very comfortable letting people make decisions (even if I disagree) because 1) they’ll do what they want to do, and 2) I have confidence in God’s sovereignty. I know I personally made mistakes in the past, but it was all to end up where I am today. I can’t deny... it makes me just re-evaluate my four-year-long period of singleness and just question if/when it’ll ever happen. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I would have done college any other way. But now I’m looking to the future and it’s one of those things for which I have to trust in God. But to be honest, I think I’m reaching the point where if the opportunity presents itself, I’m more confident in my maturity and ability to have a Christ-centered relationship. Definitely have four years of Renewal teaching to thank for that. 

5. Questions of church involvement

It’s a hard decision. I’ll only be around for another year, so I’ve got to wonder if it’s worth it to make the transition to YA. i mean I have the rest of my life to be in adult ministry right? On the other hand, another part of me knows that it’ll be different to stick around RCF as an old person. I will have less opportunities to be in community and my peers will have disappeared. I do want to serve Renewal in whatever I do. That much I am sure of. It’s something for me to prayerfully consider. I’m at that place where I’d be comfortable either way. I just need to be tipped in one direction or the other. Pretty sure I’ll stay involved with RCF for the summer, but beyond that, who knows?

6. Miscellaneous

I have been trying to eat better in an attempt to lose weight before my mom sees me at graduation. I know she’d be just a little bit happier haha. It’s hard when I can’t make time to go work out during finals... I’ll probably do something crazy in the next week in a last ditch attempt. 

Counting down the days to May 19th because not only will I have graduated, but I will also know where the Lakers are picking. Not that anyone cares, but this is a big deal for me. 

If I think of anything else, i’ll let you know. Btw this took like two hours to finish with studying in between. TWO MORE DAYS. 

[itasa]

Here’s a fun exercise. Write down all the things that you care about. Ask yourself, “Why do these things matter?” Then, build off of your list and synthesize similar things. Ask again, “Why do these things matter?” In the end, you are left with the things that give you meaning in life. Through...

[ayocurtis]

Ayy

[ayocurtis]

Pressed but not crushed

Almost this close to wanting to give up on others. To saying "forget it" and "they are beyond reach." I feel hopeless almost. It seems like they're walking the opposite way and they've gone too far. 

I rebuke that thought. There is no doubt, no strife, no hurt that will keep my God from accomplishing His will. "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted" (Job 42:2)

I look at myself and think I have nothing left to give... if I give more of my thoughts to others, I'm pretty sure I'll have nothing left. What about my happiness? I keep thinking, "If this continues, I will surely lose hope." There is a real war raging against us. 

Christ is the answer. He is the answer that we've been longing for. Our reason to hope. Our reason to believe. I look at the cross in my unbelief and I think, "This is why I can try to pour myself out."

Here's a side note. I don't know exactly why I study biology besides the fact that it made sense if I want to pursue medicine. But today I was reminded that biology is so intricate and so precise. In fact, even my dreaded orgo lab class shows me that there is deep complexity to chemistry. I am reminded that these things point to a God who is sovereign over every detail of humanity. Every molecule and every mechanism proclaims His excellency. And I get to learn more about His character through His creation. 

Back to the cross. The God who controls every single detail of life... the omniscient and omnipotent God... He came down to be as low as I am and as finite as I am to bear the burden of my sins and the sins of humanity - that I might be brought to right standing in the eyes of a holy, perfect God... and I didn't have to do a thing. 

You want to know what love is? That is love. So how can I refuse to love others when I have received so much more? How can I not continue to pray and cry out on their behalf? Jesus did it for me. And He did not groan or mumble or say "Woe is me. This is too much to bear." 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. [Hebrews 12:1-2]

Jesus counted it as a joy to endure the cross. He knew the end goal. He knew that this would bring the most glory to the Father. And He still knows where this is all leading. And He has promised that it leads to joy that I cannot fathom and glory that I cannot imagine. 

You know that hymn? The cross before me. The world behind me. No turning back? I'm not going back to the way things were before. Not a chance. I lived in hopelessness. I was the god of my own life. I could do whatever I wanted. And it was terrible. I find that life in humble surrender to His will and seeking His glory far above my own has been so much better. 

Therefore, I press on. Bring it on. The outcome is decided and my victory is already won. I cannot lose. 

[ayocurtis]

Stepping into the pit

The missions conference this weekend was awesome. I didn't get to go to everything, but the sermons really hit home. I realize I am blessed beyond measure to go to a church where the leadership makes every effort for the church to be outward-facing and always pushing the gospel out to the nations. I am so thankful that God has shown me the importance of missions during my time at Renewal. 

1 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. 2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40: 1-3 (ESV)

Dr. John Leonard shared from this Psalm when discussing the way that Jesus deals with people who are in the pit. He doesn't merely call out and tell us, "Hey! Get out of there!" People don't need to be told that they are stuck. He doesn't merely throw a rope. Dead men don't grab ropes. He doesn't merely drag us out, keeping us at an arm's distance, and then shaking all the dirt off in disgust. He is a God that steps down into the pit, fully embracing us, and carries us out. 

This causes me to reflect upon the way I've recently been thinking of others. I've been having a hard time seeing brokenness and ugliness. Call me a hypocrite because I am, but I just look at people and sigh... thinking that they are so far from changing. I see the pattern of sin and forget that there is a greater pattern of grace. 

I need to have a right view of Jesus' ministry on earth. He dealt with real brokenness. The R-rated brokenness. The type of sin that would repel me is the type of sin he touched and forgave. It's the type of sin that is no match for my God. 

I have the habit of hearing or seeing things and thinking, "How could you do that? Don't you know better?" And the reality is we don't know better until His Spirit moves in power and puts a new song in our mouths. But even so, He reminds me, "Don't you remember when I dragged your dead body out of the pit? As deep as you thought it was, I still reached down." Not many people know just how terrible my sin was and how ugly my life was. I used to be really ashamed of it also. But what once caused me guilt and shame is now evidence of His greatness and goodness. He put a new song in my mouth. Oh would that song ring louder and more clearly than the voices of discouragement and disappointment. 

The enemy's message is hard to fight. But don't tell me that people will fail me. Don't tell me that it's inevitable. Don't tell me that people can't change. Don't tell me that my community sucks. My God never gives up on His people. The gospel demands and promises change. My community is His bride who He relentlessly pursues no matter how ugly or how stubborn. 

How can I be discouraged by community? He is not discouraged by me. Any thought of wanting to give up is selfish. His calling to make disciples is not easy so why do I only want to deal with the good side and ignore the bad side?

Lord, help me to be like You. Help me to go into the pit among the dirtiness and ugliness knowing that You are there beside me, giving me strength to love your people.   

[ayocurtis]

What I mean for evil, He uses for good.

Again, I find myself writing on this Tumblr when I should be studying and doing work [like I really should], but I have been feeling so afflicted and so worn down that I have to get it all out of my system. It feels like I've been in the ring with an opponent that never tires and after too many rounds, I feel the beating and pain suck the energy out of me. 

As a servant in my fellowship, I've always felt responsible for others. Perhaps knowing that I was once so lost and so far from God I have this mentality that I have to be the one to help people who feel that way. But it's so much harder in practice. I'm so easily discouraged or disappointed. I look at people and wonder, "What are you doing God? Where are you? Why are you letting them stray? Where is the fruit? What am I doing this for?" My frustration feeds itself and soon enough, I have frustration towards everyone around me. 

More and more, I see the imperfections. I see the human nature. I see the consequences of sin. And it is so hard to see. I want to give up a lot. I think that it's not worth it to pour out myself and see nothing. I don't want to love those that are hard to love. 

The hearts that are refusing to change. The condemning spirits. Hypocrisy. Conforming to the patterns of a culture that is in opposition to God. Tongues that cut down and destroy. Lack of self-control. And as much as these things discourage me when I see them in others, it is sobering to see that they are found in my own heart. 

We call ourselves Christians. We call ourselves sons and daughters of God. Yet we continue to grasp and cling onto the very sin that nailed Him to the cross. We who are made alive in Christ and are dead to sin STILL choose the lesser pleasure. We are so blind and so lost. And it is this human failure that makes it so very hard to serve others. 

But these are the very things that the Enemy conspires to plant in our minds. I forget that this is a battle... it is a very real war inside us. That's why the beating and the wounds are extremely painful. But this is a battle that has already been won. On the cross as the Son of God bore the wrath we deserve, every sin has been conquered. 

Therefore, I can have confidence. I can have hope. I can have joy. And no one can steal this from me because it was purchased at great cost by one who is greater than my affliction. No matter how people will fail and disappoint... no matter how I fail and disappoint, I don't have to lose heart. Christ has already done the hardest thing for us. How can I not trust Him to use every situation for good? 

The only hard part is that these situations are real and painful. They actually hurt a lot. They make you feel beaten and broken. So in the moment, it is easy to feel despair. But in the midst of the storm, I cling to His promises because I know He sees the bigger picture. He knows how every painful situation and every disheartening moment is refining me and sanctifying me. His plan is to mold me no matter how much it hurts until I am found in His presence where there is perfect joy and perfect peace. 

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 18 as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

[lolshtus]

Men’s Shoe Guide

[ayocurtis]

The Ups and Downs of Christian Living

The great thing about Facebook is that the whole world can see what you've been up to socially. Anything you put out there is available for others. And for myself, it's weird to think that there are well over 1,000 people that can potentially see things that I post. How many friends do I really have? Definitely less than 1,000. 

Recently, I've been seeing more and more things on my newsfeed from people I've known from the past and these are people that I haven't talked to for years and years. Specifically, I've seen people with whom I've gone to retreats, church, or Christian club. I don't like to judge people or assume anything about what's going on in their lives, but I do believe that the things you say provide a significant glimpse into your life. 

So when I see that these people post questionable pictures, vulgar statuses, and even drinking videos, it's hard to believe that I used to pray and worship with them. Again, I reiterate that I am in no position to judge anyone. I'm the greatest hypocrite I know. I was a high school Christian club leader, but I lived in secret sin and rebellion towards God; so why am I surprised that other leaders I knew appear to live in rebellion now? I'm not sure. Maybe it was because back then I was shocked by how much they prayed and how eagerly they wanted to bring the gospel to their campuses. It's been years and things happen to challenge our faith. Only God knows the heart, so I must trust that He is in control of their lives. 

But it happens more often than I would have thought. I think that so many who grow up in the church become hardened to the gospel and slowly turn away. It's discouraging to see it. No matter what kind of environment you put someone in, it is the inward change that produces fruit. Maybe in the back of their mind, they are still going back and forth... every time asking for forgiveness but later giving into the flesh. It's a wrestling match between our flesh and spirit. And a lot of times, we allow our weakness to overcome. 

Even if we knew how much our actions stumble others, would that compel us to change? If we knew how much our statuses and photos caused others to spite God and to question His Word, would we strive to be holy? I'm not sure. It would maybe make us feel guilty. But being motivated by guilt and shame is hardly reflective of the freedom found in the cross. Holiness lies in our freedom from sin that enables us to have victory and to obey the law [Romans 8]. 

Every time I see something discouraging from a past friend or acquaintance, it's hard to not judge. It's hard to be gracious and understanding. I think my initial reaction is always to judge, and then it changes to sadness. How can I remember that Christ has already won?

The lesson is to show grace and to withhold condemnation. The other lesson is to be wary of my actions and words, knowing that they reflect who I am and what I believe. 

Updates:

1. Have begun preparing for the MCAT. Being in a home environment sucks though because I'm easily distracted and dissuaded from doing work. To be honest, I'm anxious because I don't know if this is really something I want. I've always worked towards this goal, but now that another significant challenge is facing me, I again question if I have the resolve to do it.

2. It's amazing how much time I can waste and still not pray or read the Bible. 

3. I miss having community and can't wait to go back. High school friends are still in school, so it's tough to feel productive with my time. Still hate studying, but I miss people more.

4. Been catching up on lots of movies to make myself more culturally relatable. Notable movies this summer so far: The Departed, Wolf of Wall Street, Django Unchained, Anchorman 2, Her, American Hustle, Dallas Buyers Club, Thor 2... can't remember the others right now. 

5. Slowly contemplating the creation of another blog on Blogspot. Talked about it before, but still thinking of things like a name, content, etc. It'll happen eventually this summer. But I'll definitely keep this Tumblr to write personal thoughts as always. 

[nbclassics]

The New Balance 990 Re-issue in Burgundy

[ayocurtis]

If I ever come across an affordable pair, you already know I'm going to cop. 

[ayocurtis]

Last one today. I promise. 

[ayocurtis]

More fun with gifs. 

[ayocurtis]

BIG NIZZ. 

[godsandmonkeys]

20 Song of a Sapling

Honeysuckle bright and sweet, Closer come, come sing with me. In rain and sun we’ll joyful be, The flowered vine and I, the tree. A pretty sight we make entwined, Yellow blossoms, slender bough, But light and air I need to grow, You choke the life out of me now. Oh Gardener, come and prune the vine That spring and hope again might shine, For now I see that this can’t be With that, a vine, and this, a tree. 

[oh-anthonio]

GIVEAWAY: $200 Florsheim Shoes Giftcard

Enter To Win!

Over the years I’ve fallen in love with Florsheim as one of my favorite go-to brands when it comes to finding the perfect pair of shoes. From traditional looks to those with a little more edge, there’s always a pair that seems to go with whatever’s in my closet. Just take a look at some of the images of my favorite outfits above featuring my ever-growing collection of their shoes.

Today I’m giving all you loyal readers a chance to discover which Florsheim shoe works best for you by teaming up with the brand to offer one reader a $200 giftcard to use towards a purchase on their site.

The rules are simple! Use the widget below to enter and gain as many points as you can. Open to residents of the contiguous US only and the winner will be announced next Tuesday 4/15 so good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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[ayocurtis]

If the Lord wills...

I haven't posted anything for a while. I've been wrestling a lot with my security in Christ and future plans. It all started with being rejected from a few different student groups. Some I thought I would get. Others I thought I didn't think much of it. In the end, I found that my pride is easily bruised and my sense of self-worth is misplaced. 

From year one, people saw me as some kind of important person among Asians at Penn. I wanted to be humble about it, but internally, my pride ate it all up. Well, now I don't feel that way at all and it leaves me questioning my identity and worth. I've been relegated to a has-been. And I think that's the way it is supposed to be now. I had an urge to step back in... a sort of restlessness and fear of missing out. But I found that those things weren't meant to be. Although I might be bitter or disappointed, I found that within my sadness and self-pity, I have greatly wronged God. I have placed my worth in acceptance by others and have craved the affirmation of man. Too often, I find myself anxious or worried because I am sensitive to how people will perceive me. It was good to be reminded that my boast is only in the LORD. 

26 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28 God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, 29 so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. 30 And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31 so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” [1 Corinthians 1:26-31]

In the midst of my busy exam/paper week, I was obviously stressing about post-graduation and all that good stuff. I always feel like my plans won't work out and I won't know what to do. Thus, Friday's large group sort of pierced my heart with truth. 

13 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. [James 4:13-17]

I usually come to the same conclusion: do the best I can and surrender it to Christ. How can I hold onto my plans so tightly when everything will go as God wills it? How can I be anxious or worried when I have no idea what tomorrow holds? As far as student involvements, I've pretty much come to peace with taking it easy next year. I think that it has recently given me more conviction to focus on ministry and to put more time and effort into serving other people. 

I have a short list of things I'd like to do before I graduate, especially now that I have free time. I think I'd like to start a blog this summer. Something more organized, thought-out, and consistent than this Tumblr. I've always been interested in sharing thoughts and endeavors related to my weird range of interests: fashion, theology, sports, exercise, music, dance, etc. I'll probably whittle this all down into something more streamlined and coherent. Contrary to people's speculations, this is not an attempt to meet girls. I am not worthy or deserving of such a privilege. 

In the end, I'm praying that I would have confidence to take every aspect of life and with surrendered heart and mind, say, "If the Lord wills..." 

[kangalex]

The North Face // Camo Metro Mountain Parka

[ayocurtis]

Have resisted North Face since arriving to Philly, but I would probably wear this

[oh-anthonio]

GIVEAWAY: Ernest Alexander Bedford Overnight Bag

Enter To Win This Bag In Your Color Choice

I’ve teamed up with the kind folks at Ernest Alexander to give away one of their new Bedford Overnight Bags ($395 Value). Made out of a water-resistant cotton canvas with leather handles and brass hardware, it’s sturdy and stylish enough for even the most adventurous travel plans.  Going on a weekend getaway? This bag is just the right size to hold all your essentials with ample room in the main compartment and additional exterior and interior pockets to keep smaller items organized and accessible. Follow the instructions below for your chance to win this bag in your color choice of Navy, Olive, or Black.

Use the widget below to enter. Open to residents of the contiguous US, 13 years of age and up only. The winner will be announced next Tuesday so good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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[ayocurtis]

just trying my luck!