LONG WINDED BULLSHIT RANT
Ugh here we are again with these thoughts and feelings😑 I'm starting to feel lost in what I'm doing again. Feeling like I'm disappointing people. Feeling like I'm annoying my friends. I hate how it seems like I struggle to hold conversations with people, it's like I don't know how to talk at times. I know there are times where I just go on and on and on. Problem is I don't know how to start correcting myself on that shit and it frustrates me. I had an opportunity at work to potentially change career paths and make more money but instead I dragged my feet and got scared and applied for the job to late and missed out for now. I hate that I sabotage myself.
THEN well these feelings came back again. It's been some time since I've felt this way about you. It drives me up a wall when this happenes because it shouldn't and I know better. But it's difficult not to when your everything I want in a woman and when I look at you I see the life I want but can't have. Someone who actually motivates me to make myself better, to stop being a lazy piece of shit that I am and do something with my life. Some times I think my ex couldn't even do that. But you get through to me like no one else ever has at times. She's one of the most beautiful people I know. And I don't mean just looks. Personality, intelligence, big heart, very caring, driven, funny as fuck and great assests too. I will always wish things were different but they never will be...
Then I look at myself and wonder how I can change some of my own short comings. I try to stay positive about things but it's difficult at times. I keep having this sinking feeling that I'm going to be alone for a long time and that's not what I want. I want to find a woman that makes me happy, validates my feelings and that I can grow old with. Friends tell me I have redeeming qualities but it's hard to believe them when I see more negative things than positive about myself. I just want some kind of sign that I'm doing something right. Ughhhh. I hate these feelings....
