TROPICAL WRITING

[perrfectly]

Photo by Multa Media 

[oylesarhosollsammki]

İşte yatiyoruk balım,, (fotografli konuşma arzusu içindeyim bu ara saçma sjdj

[consistent-sincerity]

[dogwoodbite]

[id: graffiti on the base of a concrete overpass where previous grafiti has been covered over with gray paint multiple times. In black all-caps handwriting, it reads: "What kind of paint are you using to paint over this? Because if it is latex, its probably way too cold for it, you want good adhesion, you need like at least 40°-45°. Maybe wait till it warms up a little, I mean what's the big rush? Like, I'm in a rush now but our situations are different" /end id]

[azizetipi]

My kind of prose.

[azizetipi]

Beautiful.

You call me that? Beautiful?

How dare you.

[azizetipi]

Timelines

It's always been a struggle with the beginning from me. How to start. And if I have a beginning, what's the next transition.

Something parallel to the missing years of my childhood. Parts of it that take up no space in my memory. And I've never been one to sit and wonder "what happened?" A passing thought maybe, but it's not something I'll dive into.

What always mattered was the ending though. The present, the living future. That's the focus.

[azizetipi]

Valuing Time

It's been a minute. Even longer than but I couldn't count the seconds.

If this was the way we were taught to hold onto precious time, I'd give you more than all of my hours of the ever ending days.

This way, you'd say you have me. And I wouldn't feel as though I had no say in where I let myself go...

[azizetipi]

By God, The sun does not rise nor set, But with each breath I breathe my love for you. Nor have I sat amongst a group of companions, Only for you to be the central theme of discussion. Nor have I remembered you in happiness, nor sorrowness Only for you to reside in my heart, within my murmurs Nor would I reach for a drink of water in thirst, Without beholding your image reflected in the cup. -Al-Hallaj

[azizetipi]

Let Me Remember You

IN all of your reflections, Past the closed doors And hidden whispers

THROUGH fading moments Beneath intimacy In the most crowded rooms

NO face, no teeth, Only eyes and deep laughter. Caught by me and thrown into Forever Memories.

EVEN after your worst, After my outbursts, Smothered and demanding

SOMETHING stuck Like sand glued by sweat Onto my loosened grip.

[azizetipi]

Golden Blossom

Something fresh in the sunlight, demanding for open eyes and deep inhales. I wouldn't call it inspiration, it's more exciting than that. It's the acceptance of what always was. That's what it is.

Cradling, rocking, swaying my every tightness.

[azizetipi]

Her: Let's meet up.

Me: I'm too nervous to do that, but thanks for messaging me.

Her: I understand. Take care.

Me: You too.

[azizetipi]

It is odd, having someone you don't think of often reach out to you.

Maybe it is in this state of mind where I am unappreciative and annoyed more than anything else.

This world is hard to navigate when you slap away every hand and then cry about how lonely you are.

[azizetipi]

I was sad and now I’m furious.

This is the 4th time he’s wrecked the house.

I gave him all day today to explain hisself, to talk through what happened yesterday and he just pretended like nothing happened.

I am a different kind of broken right now. Like waking up and the first thing I do is cry type of broken. I’ve been hurt before, screamed at and bruised, but last night was different.

Last night he proved to me that he is incapable of talking through our problems. It just resorted to him becoming angry and violent. Nothing gets through to his head.

Last night I screamed back and stood in his way. I dared him to come at me with the rocking chair my mother got me as a gift for my birthday.

And he was scared. Because he knew if he did that the relationship was over. He has enough self control for that right? To make sure he can still drag me along.

Until I fell asleep and all day last night I cried on and off because I knew it was over. I want it to be over. I don’t want to do this anymore. And I told him, the only thing I learned is that these lips have no freedom to speak the truth.

I’m shut up, sealed tight. There is no more arguing, no more respect.

Him: Sleep well.

Me: You too.

Him: Sweet dreams.

Me: You too.

Him: I love you.

Me: You broke my heart so bad.

Him: I’m sorry.

Me: Sorry is not enough.

[azizetipi]

You're selling yourselves for less than a dollar. For fame.

[azizetipi]

When it gets bad, it's awful.

I mean down in the rut, rain clouds pinching at my skin.

But when it's good, it's bliss.

The last thing I can feel is hurt.

So I tremble then stand tall, still.

You know how that goes when it's up down left right.

(R1+R2)

[bubbly]

[azizetipi]

Spring, Her Majesty

Oh yoo hoo, Winter! Leave the door open on your way out Will you, please?

I'm waiting for my dearest friend to come through the door. Her warm smile, modest and reserved. She doesn't make me laugh as hearty as Summer But my inside gets all gooey and I find a reassuring peace. I know she cries often, but always for good reason. And when it's over the grass is somehow brighter. She dresses the naked trees, pulling on fuzzy sweaters. And leaves seeds out for the birds to come feed.

I can't wait for her any longer! But you can't rush time, can you? Or the roads that lead to you. How she teaches me patience.

[azizetipi]

The Heartbroken

I dreamt of him again last night, he visits me in the most difficult nights. When I woke up 4 or 5 times, tossing awake from exhaustion and endless thoughts.

Driving his jeep, on his way to his wife and I'm stuck in the middle of the road, understanding that he has to go.

But I wonder why it is that I'm still seeing him. Maybe something left undone, something left incomplete. It baffles me how that could still be when we had our closure, said our goodbyes and best wishes.

It wasn't fair to either of us how brutally we ended things, speaking the harshest of words and using them as whips against all the desire we had built up. Maybe it was the sexual chemistry. Me wanting more from him every single time, expecting to be cherished and admired. He was good at that, making me feel like I was wanted carnally.

It's been years, 6 years, since I've seen him. An awkward handshake on his last departure. We were tired of each other. Tired of the weight we carried behind unspoken feelings. Kept me leaning back into my chair, waiting for confrontation that never came.

Stop coming at me, please. I don't want to see him again in another dream, especially not when I'm struggling to keep both myself and my own husband happy.

And unsatisfying marriage will bring out the worst of a person, their darkest desires comes to light because they can't be met. I'm tired, oh so tired, of having my heart broken over and over by the man I've been storing in the deepest parts of my mind. Why are you still there? Why are all of you still there? All the men that satisfied parts of me I'm too ashamed to say out loud. Keep low, keep hidden, I don't need this to resurface after spending years privately reminiscing of all the wild nights and mixed drinks that brought me that sweet fabricated fleeting joy.