β½ πππππππ ππ πππ
β Pairing: Dazai Osamu x gn!reader
β Category: Angst
β Synopsis: You remind him of his old love whenever he holds you close.
β Note: I've been thinking about writing something like this for a while now, welp here ya go. I am simply an amateur so don't expect this to be good. Also, Neena is an oc of mine. Grammatical errors are ahead! Enjoy? 07/17/2023
"I love you."
You peered into his brown eyes, feeling something ache inside you as he embraced you closer to his chest. Never before has he shown such tenderness in his eyes. He never did. Only when he visualizes you as her would he act in that way.
Despite the stinging feeling within you that you wanted to disappear, you smiled dolorously at him as you leaned in to kiss the tip of his nose. However, you failed to notice him tense up at your action.
"I love you more," you said quietly enough for him to hear. You didn't even realize you were holding your breath until you let those words out of your mouth. Although he always tells you how much he loves you, you were unsure if he really means it.
"Is my face too alluring to be observed for that long?" his giggles jolted you out of your thoughts as you quickly turn your gaze away from him in embarrassment. As his laughter subsided, he tilted your head back to him, removing his hand from your head to caress your cheek.
"Don't look away," he smiled fondly at you but you knew deep down in his eyes, you weren't the one he was seeing, but instead, a glimpse of her. You tried numerous times not to think about it, however, you are unable to resist letting your thoughts consume you.
Sure, your relationship with him is perfect in every way, but sometimes, you don't feel if he genuinely cared or love you the same way he did for her. No matter how many times you tried to make him fall for your touch, he'll only see you as her and never the actual you. You felt like a substitute, a placeholder for the person he once loved.
"Is there something bothering you, Belladonna? You've been dazing off a lot," the nickname made you cringe, he never calls you that, he only does at times like these, and knowing the reason makes your heart tighten.
You sprang awake from your thoughts, however, he was no longer looking at you, nor was his hand caressing your cheek. Something inside his head was attempting to persuade him that he cared about you; he always convince himself that.
You shake your head no, assuring him that you're alright and nothing to be concerned about. Of course you weren't, yet despite his knowledge of your deception, you chose to lie. But did he ever cared?
Dawn is starting to break, lighting several areas of Yokohama. The both of you stayed in his place and cuddled on his couch till daybreak. Dazai had contacted you previously asking for company since he's feeling suicidal. He always is. It's not something to panic or worry about.
He closed his eyes and lowered his head before returning his hand to your head. He exhaled a sigh.
"You already know how much I love and care about you, (Name), are you really certain?" you despise the way his voice is constantly strained, always seeming more like he's convincing himself than truly saying he does, and it causes him to feel guilty about it.
You made no sound. You weren't certain of your response or what to say. It was the first time he had ever inquired about your well-being, but did he really mean it? or was it just a ploy to make you feel special to him even though you're obviously not?
Finally, he turned his head to look at you, but there was no light nor affection in his eyes. That's how it's always been.
"Neena," He spoke without comprehending what he had just said.
Before he could even utter another word, you shifted your weight, causing Dazai's hand to slip off your head while you both stare at each other, his expression was perplexed but he soon realized what he had just said. His lips slightly open, his eyes widen as he observes your sorrowful look.
"(Name)..."
You walked up to the door, grabbing your jacket from the rack. You stood by the door with your hand trembling on the doorknob as you pondered whether to go or just wait for him to say anything. You resisted letting a tear fall from your eye, of course you already knew about that; What's the point of crying? Why are you crying? Why are you being so dramatic?
He remained motionless and silent. He didn't even move; instead of approaching and saying that it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again, he remained still. Dazai expected this to happen, so he let you be. After ensuring that he won't talk or even offer an apology, you let out a breath and turn the door knob.
"Just find her again,"
And with that, you left without closing the door.
Dazai looked towards the open door where you had departed and sighed, he stood up to close it and leaned against it. He knew he had fucked up the moment he realized he can't let go of her. But why didn't he tell you from the start that he was still in love with someone who had left? Sure, it would be hurtful if he decided to tell you from the start, but only for a short while. Now that you're completely smitten with the brunette, it's too late to turn back.
But why didn't he tell you from the start?
Because he was afraid.
Afraid of what?
The feeling of being alone again.
Why's that?
His previous relationship is something he cherishes a lot, and letting it go is both devastating and terrifying. He grew attached to someone and fears that he may lose the solace of the former love of his life.
But why did he entertain someone if he's still in love with his previous lover?
Please make another part ππ This hurtsss. I NEED TO KNOW EHAT HAPPENS NEXT