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[b90mo4]

hey you

so, we have managed to get through simchat torah and sukkot, worked last week, cried at the patheticness of my wage this month.  Thought i made a friend but unfortunately we are too different. 

Rayna had a hip replacement, too scared to ring her after our over medicated chat a couple of weeks ago.  I will ring tomorrow.  Dad is doing well, looking after Arnold, I guess he needs someone else to look after now you have passed.  I really hope there is a heaven or a reason for the pain and joy of this world.  I asked a couple of years ago if he would move closer so I could take care of you both, but he refused.  I miss him as much as I miss you.  I do miss you.  I wish we could have both enjoyed more time appreciated each other, but that time has now gone, and there is only the future without you in it.  We keep your spirit alive, we have a photo of you as young lady in the kitchen, full of hope and youth, to remind us that everyone has story and we were only a small part of yours.  We know we were important and loved, but the look on your face, your beauty, your innocence.  

Zoe remembers you as your face being soft, she is the most amazing person, full of beauty and cheekiness and honesty only a four year old can have.  sorry Ivy has just tried to dig her way out of her crate.  It is fireworks night and she is terrified, 

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you,  I love them but I miss you.  

I know I have to keep going, but it is so fucking hard, I miss our bitching sessions so much.  Everyone is so busy doing their own thing this time of year,  they just had to keep going, no time for anyone else’s drama.  I am going to Heathrow on Thursday to collect a dog from China, my career may have been nothing to write home about, but at least we have homed a few greyhounds, raised a bit of cash and foster a few hounds.  Love you to the moon and backxxxx

[b90mo4]

First Yom Kippur without you

Miss you, Dad had your party without you, no one really mentioned you, I guess not to upset Dad.  The boys did beautifully and Alice and Noa’s speech was sweet.  It was like you have been erased from our lives.  Even on your special day.  I hadn’t bought your card or your present.  I did go to your grave, but you are all around me not in a hole in the ground.  Rosh hashanah was hard I didn’t go to shul, read mourner’s prayer, which still makes me cry. Just walked out of Yom Kippur dinner, I don’t want them to know how hard it is.  How many times I cry a day just because I ache so much.   18 months without hearing your proper voice, is a long long time. Knowing that there will never another good day when you recognise me and talk about people we both know, even in your really quiet voice, slurring your words and you gradually lost your ability to swallow. 

Yom Kippur is going to be hard, I really have a horrible headache, I just miss you, Dad doesn’t hug anymore he is so caught up in his own world.  He won’t stay in our house, but is happy to stay with Nic.  I didn’t realise how much closer they had got.  I always felt like an outsider, your shiva confirmed that I always will be and I am not paranoid.  

On a lighter note, Zoe had her birthday party, she was so cute, she eventually remembered Neave and they began to play, 

[b90mo4]

so you left

so 16 months after your final accident you left us.  your precious body had had enough, we held your hand in ours and your heart in ours, and you left with all the dignity you deserved.  Pain free, anxiety free and with your precious husband by your side, you left us.  I miss you every second of every day, but to know you are finally at peace means everything,  Happy birthday our angel, we love you, we miss you and we are grateful for your love and kindness.  xxx

[b90mo4]

Hey

So Alice got her GCSE result for her early exam and guess what, she got an A.  I know, she is so proud of herself.  I couldn’t actually talk, they put her through it.  I knew you would be happy and proud of her.  She means the world to you.  She would love to be able to phone you and hear you congratulate  her.  

I hate that we can’t talk and bitch, I so miss my bitching partner.  I am lucky and I can see you still, but it is the daily phone contact I miss the most.

So this is how I am going to talk to you from now on.  It has been a year since our last phone call, I miss you so much.

Happy Anniversary, the card is a photo of you on your engagement party.  Dad looks supersmug as usual, but you look so happy.  I can imagine you laughing with Audrey or sharing a joke with Grandma.

I love you