Things have been very Switchy here lately. Elisya came out and I believe spent some time watching anime and playing animal crossing? I think she wanted to do some cleaning but we got wrapped up in a goal on ACNH.
I’ve come to realize that Willow fronts to help me with distress I experience at the grocery store, and she actually came out before we even left the other day. That day was already very dissociated, and reality was near intangible as switching loomed in the distance. Most interesting was that Si came out on the ride home.
I’m not very sure what triggered this, and she talked to my partner quite a bit. This was surprising as she’s selectively mute in the inner world, and when she does talk it’s in whispers to Ty, or through gesture. Oh, you know what? She must have been triggered somewhere in the grocery store. I remember her pointing to something in the check out.
I think she became comfortable with my partner due to his shared characteristics with Ty. They’re both about the same height, have dark hair, and similar face shape (though facial features and demeanor are different). It was interesting to hear her voice and note some of her mannerisms. I think she might be an age slider? She seemed older while out, but I’m getting this feeling from Ty now that she’s back to being younger at the moment.
Personally I’ve been dealing with a lot of hardship. However as of this morning I’m feeling a slightly greater sense of self, and more of a connection to characteristics and interests that I would consider “mine”. It’s hard to say when you feel empty all of the time, and when you know that you share your life with others who are so distinct. It makes me wonder if my interests are really mine, or if they belong to other alters. Most recently I’ve worried that they belong to Jeremi, as he seems most similar to the things I would categorize as “me”, but that doesn’t feel quite right. I’m hoping that these features are me, and that I’m not just mistaken.
Sometimes I wonder if my alters were created to take things with them. I know Willow was. She’s the perfect, untouchable, happy child. She was created to preserve the childhood I never had, and the child I was never seen as. I felt like I was missing something, from a young age, that necessitates being a child. I worry I was a ghost at times. I was always too old to not be abused. I was always too tall to not be held to adult standards. And so I think my brain took being a child from me- or at least the things that are standard to the childlike experience- and said “we’ll keep this over here, so that this part of you can’t get hurt anymore.”
Knowing this makes me wonder if my other alters are similar, perhaps some more designed to protect me too. I wonder if strong parts of their personality have been my brain taking something from me and tucking it away to keep me safe, even if I’m just safe in fragments. As time goes on, I am rendered more apathetic. I lose my interests more and more. Things I loved seem as boring as everything else. But I can look at my alters and say “Oh, I remember a time where that interest was the focus of this body, where you existed front bound.”. And I’m not sure if that was me back then; or if that was somebody else who had already split; or if my alters formed from who I was in those moments, sequestered off to stay pure and protected as Willow was. Just another part of could-be-identity , taken from me. I wonder if, at the end of the day, I *personally* will feel hollow; will become a void: Just a picked over chicken carcass with the meat of the breasts; thighs; wings; all separated out and stuck in Tupperware, slotted into the freezer with little dated labels indicating what’s inside and what it needs to be preserved for in the future. Will my bones get boiled too? Will my very core get turned to broth, and will that broth too be stored in a mason jar high up in the pantry, so far away from me? What do you even do with rendered bone? Do you throw it in the trash at that point? Does it disappear from existence? Or is there more to take? How much can be removed until I’m nothing? How much will belong to me until we die?
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