Itās just been getting extremely hard to function lately anymore if Iām being completely honest with myself and I donāt know where to turn to right now..
I noticed my depression getting extremely bad around the middle of May. I know for sure it was getting bad because I had the chance to see my favourite band play live and yes I was thrilled to see them face to face and watch them perform flawlessly in person, but I also felt absolutely nothing leading up to it and even after. Even now I know I couldnāt fully enjoy it because of my mental health deteriorating.Ā
I wasnāt enjoying myself with friends anymore, I wasnāt working on my projects like my book or comic or cosplays at all because it felt like a huge amount of physical and mental effort to get up and do anything.Ā
Hell, I was so depressed at Anime North, something I had been looking forward to for months, that halfway through the second day I just wanted to be left alone and when my friends went back after I just stayed in bed and felt hollow the entire time. Itās awful. And the messed up part was I made the choice to stay behind, but when I was alone my brain kept telling me itās better Iām not there. My friends are having so much fun without me.Ā
I donāt know when the romanticizing of my life ending started. Iām way too much of a chicken shit to try anything for real, but the suicidal thoughts are there. What if I just stepped into traffic, what if I just took a walk at night one day and just kept walking until I physically couldnāt go on anymore, what if I took all those pills and didnāt wake up, what if I went up to that bridge and just tossed myself over the edge ya know? I donāt know why they started or when, but theyāre there, those thoughts and fantasies that I know are horribly unhealthy and very fucking dark, and the worst part is it doesnāt freak me out anymore. It just creeps into my mind and all I can think in response to my brain doing these things to me isĀ ā...oh...āĀ
Itās gotten so bad that I donāt really know if I have anyone to turn to. I feel like everyone really hates me now, and have hated me for a while now but justĀ āput upā with me because of whatever reason. Iāve got nothing to offer, I find it really hard to just smile anymore. Itās so exhausting mentally and physically.Ā
I forgot to eat dinner the last two days now. Probably will forget today also..
Iām worried Iāve screwed up my friendships with my best friend especially because I feel like Iām bothering her to hang out every so often. And if I know another friend would like to join Iām scared Iāll get forgotten or she may be mad at me for inviting someone along with us for some reason? I donāt know. When I voice it, it makes no sense but those worries and thoughts are still there to the point I cried going to bed last night over everything.Ā
Hell, I even am pretty sure my best friend has noticed my behavior changing over the last few months. For instance (I still feel like a piece of shit about this too) we had a trip planned, and two other friends were coming up for the drive. I had asked my sister if she wanted to come and initially she said yes, but then I panicked and my anxiety and fears reared their really ugly heads and even though she said she didnāt want to come anymore, I got really overwhelmed thinking that somehow because it as more than just us two, I was being replaced somehow and I nearly cancelled plans for that whole day. And I have no excuse. I donāt know why.Ā
I seriously donāt know why any of these thoughts and feelings or lack of feelings are there. I just know itās getting so incredibly hard to stay motivated in anything and I feel like my friendships are falling apart so fucking fast and I canāt stop it from happening.Ā
I donāt know what to do tbh...
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