Lions, tigers, and bumper cars - oh my!
Welcome to Bachelor week 2, ladies and gents.
This is the week we see how stir-crazy all the contestants are after living together in the Bachelor house and being “basically shut off from the entire world”, according to one Bustle article. What a delight!
This episode can be summed up as follows: two one-on-one dates (one fancy one boring), one group date (race-car related obviously and a breakdown about bumper cars), and a fight between Krystal and Bibiana. Also, this fab quote made its debut on this season: “you need to check yourself first before you try to check on other people”, to which I said:
But to get back on track:
It only took The Bachelor franchise 22 seasons (not to mention all the seasons of the Bachelorette), but they FINALLY got the first date right. They gave Becca, the lovely girl to first go on a date with Arie, a pair of louboutins, Rachel Zoe gowns (along with a meeting with Rachel Zoe), and Neil Lane jewelry to match. To keep. Forever.*
I don’t know how to express my utter shock and envy at this act of generosity but may I just say, this had me reaching for a bachelor application.
I had to stop staring at her shoes just so I could have something to write about*. I think I speak for everyone when I say I’d MUCH rather have them than a man any day. When I did manage to focus on the date (and stopped salivating over shoes), I noted the following:
Despite Arie’s claims that he saw part of himself in Becca, I’d have to give their date a four. I expected the two to have more sparks since she was the first date, but it was the usual drill: one exciting event + another exciting event + happiness over events + one more surprise. Words like “exciting”, “best”, and “great” were used repeatedly. There was no lack of romantic moody things the producers planned. But it didn’t make me feel anything. I wanted to move on. Unfortunately, that meant moving on to Krystal’s date.
Becca and Arie’s date: 4/10
I’ll say it: I was surprised Krystal got the second one-on-one. In retrospect on this episode, I don’t know if she’s a total poser or just a really happy person whose intentions are misinterpreted (we can safely assume everything is muddied by the producers, because that’s part of their job title), but she annoys me. I’m not quite sure what connection Arie foresaw when picking her.
Despite the sketchy home videos presumably played on a 1999 VCR and an awkward meeting between Krystal and Arie’s family (on their FIRST date), I don’t think the two will (or should) go on date two soon. It was brave of Krystal to open up about her family’s history to Arie (and to tons of viewers), but that doesn’t mean sparks were flying. It means Krystal knew how to get to the following week and took the appropriate steps. Brava, Krystal. Even if you slightly annoy me, your strategy gets bonus points.
Krystal and Arie’s date: 4/10
And Krystal has almost definitely thought strategy. She decided not to tell girls too many details about her own date, keeping it private and spoke to Arie twice during the rose ceremony, even though she had a rose. That screams I-thought-this-out-and-am-not-here-to-play. However, her game play violates the number one rule on this show:
Rule #1 to The Bachelor: If you want to win, don’t get wrapped up in the drama.
Whether you’re starting it, mediating it, or dwelling on it, drama is distracting. The Bibiana versus Krystal drama won’t be the last feud of the season, but it is the first and will become an example of why this rule is important. While drama makes for good television, it gets boring fast.**
The easiest way to win the game heart of the suitor is to avoid drama and go for the moral high ground at all costs, unless you’re repeatedly provoked and need to defend yourself.***
Let’s cut to the final scene: the rose ceremony. The producers made a big stink about whether or not Bibiana would get picked after having little time with Arie thanks to Krystal. Krystal’s annoying behavior, at least as it was portrayed on camera, tells us her strategy completely ignores the fact that there are other suitors in the house. To be fair, so does Bibiana’s behavior.
In my opinion, the most REAL drama came with Jenny’s exit. She dissed Arie after not getting a final rose, then walked out, before sharing the most AWKWARD HUG OF ALL TIME with him. It was ... not part of the journey. (Arie, dude, you should have read the signals and not forced it !!!)
Arie thought the hug looked like this:
But it actually looked like this to Jenny and everyone else...
You get the picture. It was all kinds of cringey. And guess what - the cringe-worthy parts are only getting started! Welcome to the weirdness that is the Bachelor, the reality show that exploits contestants/suitors and their hearts each season all for the sake of the “journey”. We’re only on week 2 :///////
*Yeah, I’m not good at concentrating when couture is in the room.
**Maybe I was misunderstanding? Maybe it was a until she gets eliminated deal? Was there a contract involved?
***And while I love this show for many (irrational) reasons, fighting is not one of them on either the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. Yes, I understand I’m watching reality television, but fighting just embarrasses everyone involved. Also, I’m left watching clips from The Women/Men Tell All, and reading “real account” narratives on People.com/Bustle/what have you, trying to figure out whether or not they actually fought and had a vendetta against one another.
****I have a theory the producers pay these people off.
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