OCD isn’t just about being neat or always having to have your pencils in a perfect line on your perfectly cleaned desk. It’s a mental disorder that literally makes you feel like there’s another person inside your head. Constantly bullying you and telling you irrational things for you to believe when you know it isn’t true about yourself. But they keep persisting and egging you on day by day, or even months. Those same intrusive thoughts prevent you from enjoying your days, relationships, and sleep because they are always in the back of your mind and come out when you ask them not to. You get stuck on a certain thought or image and they replay in your head endlessly. Besides the intrusive thoughts, you also have fear that if you don’t perform a certain task then something bad will happen to you or someone close. If you don’t perform the task correct or meaningful then you do it again until you feel that small moment of relief.
My OCD started when I was around 7 or 8 years old. Anytime I thought of something bad or did something bad I would always tell on myself to my parents. My thoughts were saying I was a bad person. I would say the most bizarre things that a 7-8 year old shouldn’t say/think. But telling on myself would clear my conscience and I would feel better for a little while. I eventually “got over this phase” in elementary school.
But this past year I started having these bizarre thoughts again. My head was telling me something I did and something I’m not. I literally thought I was going insane. I was arguing with myself that those thoughts are wrong. But the more I fought the worse it got. It’s literally like having a bully inside your own head. I would have to leave work sometimes because it was so bad. I couldn’t sleep without taking sleeping meds. I rarely wanted to be around anyone. I did not feel like myself. I knew my thoughts and fears were untrue and irrational but why was I obsessing over them? My anxiety was through the roof and I fell into depression. I’d tell my boyfriend and parents about these thoughts because it would provide me some relief. Just like when I was little, but that isn’t healthy and it is very impulsive. My parents finally got me help. That’s when I found out I have OCD and how it’s a true mental illness.
It was a relief to know why I am the way I am and how I was when I was younger. I was glad to know I wasn’t going insane. I’ve learned to fight the thoughts and to control my impulsions. Patience and meditating is slowly, but surely becoming my friends. I know this will be an ongoing battle with myself for the rest of my life, but hey it could be worse🙃
So please think about it before you throw the “omg I’m so OCD haha” around when you’re picking up a piece of fuzz off the floor.
gummygunk
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