Bad Book Blurbs

We read* good books badly so you don't have to

[badbookblurbs]

The World According to Clarkson - why shouldn’t I just punch you in the face?

‘Did me wonders’ - Piers Morgan

Go sign the petition to reinstate ‘Jezza’ here. Don’t read it, just sign it.

[badbookblurbs]

The Buried Giant by Kazuo Ishiguro

Author of the Booker Prize-winning The Remains of the Day will take his ball and go home if anyone, and I mean anyone, calls this book a fantasy. Despite it being set in Arthurian England and featuring a dragon whose breath causes amnesia. Based on a true story.

UPDATE: Ursula Le Guin gets medieval on Ishiguro's ass, basicaly saying "it's fantasy - get over it. Hooray for K!"

[badbookblurbs]

Rigid Finite Element Method in Analysis of Dynamics of Offshore Structures by Edmund Wittbrodt et al

Rigid Finite Element Method in Analysis of Dynamics of Offshore Structures by Edmund Wittbrodt et al.  The sheer modulus of elasticity!  Take hold of your prescribed freedoms, look past your restraint set, and embrace the bottom-up meshing that Wittbrodt et al put forward in this infinitely accessible tale.

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Poems That Make Grown Men Cry - It's 250 Blank Pages

Poems That Make Grown Men Cry, edited by Anthony Holden and Ben Holden.  It's 250 Blank Pages.  What can we say?  They don't want to talk about it.  No, it's not that, just seriously, can we drop it?  Look, I'm going for a walk.

[badbookblurbs]

Broken Angles - One woman's acute descent into a hell of bad geometry

Broken Angles by Graham Masterton - One woman's acute descent into a hell of bad geometry. Isn't Ireland lovely? Doesn't she fill those jeans?

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The Husband's Secret - with real book blurbs this bad, who needs Bad Book Blurbs?

The Husband's Secret by Liane Moriarty. Seriously, I do this for fun. Who approved this nonsense? I mean if I reviewed this book and said "this book is literally a bag of steaming faeces", what would you think? And yes, I know it is literally correct, according to the OED - I just don't care.

[badbookblurbs]

The AC Cursed - A Novel .... About a foul-mouthed menopausal woman with broken air conditioning

The AC Cursed by Joyce Carol Oates - A Novel .... About a foul-mouthed menopausal woman with broken air conditioning

[badbookblurbs]

The Jane Austen Book Club - Five women and a man read six books, go their separate ways

The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler - Five women and a man read six books, go their separate ways.

[badbookblurbs]

We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves - either tautology or balderdash.

We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves by Karen Joy Fowler.  Either tautology or complete balderdash.  We're beside ourselves with uncertainty.

[badbookblurbs]

Africa: A Biography of the Continent - Don't Become Too Attached to the Lead Character

Africa: A Biography of the Continent by John Reader - don't become too attached to the lead character.  In this richly detailed epic, it is hard to forgive John Reader for the care with which he crafts the tale of our noble protagonist, until we are utterly enmeshed in his being and eager to see his rise to a life rich in peace and contentment, only to be forced to sit back and witness as Reader heaps countless abuses, torture, and worse upon on our splendid hero.  Conquest, inhumanity, pestilence, famine.  This work demonstrates a remarkable sadistic streak in John Reader.

[badbookblurbs]

Beowulf: Explosives Detection Dog - The Dramatic Sequel 1,000 Years In The Making!

Beowulf: Explosives Detection Dog by Ronie Kendig - The dramatic sequel 1,000 years in the making!  Finally Beowulf fans can look forward to the second installment in the series after a lengthy 1,000 year hiatus.

[badbookblurbs]

Never Go Back - Jack Reacher is so tough he disobeys the title right on the cover

Never Go Back by Lee Child - Jack Reacher is so tough he disobeys the title right on the cover. I mean, it says it right there in huge floating white letters.

[badbookblurbs]

Kafka On The Shore - Not as magical as Jersey Shore but more realism than Geordie Shore

Kafka On The Shore by Haruki Murakami - Not as magical as Jersey Shore but more realism than Geordie Shore. Anyway, wasn't this the fake book in Bridget Jones's Diary?

[badbookblurbs]

Single Woman Seeks Revenge - Where the Hell is Superfudge?

Single Woman Seeks Revenge by Tracy Bloom - Where the Hell is Superfudge?

[badbookblurbs]

Cat Sense - How the Made-Up Feline Science Can Explain Why Your Pet is a Selfish Dick That Will Eat Your Face

Cat Sense by John Bradshaw - How the Made-Up Feline Science Can Explain Why Your Pet is a Selfish Dick That Will Eat Your Face

[badbookblurbs]

Beowulf - Translated into plotless explosions by Michael Bay in memory of Seamus Heaney

Beowulf - Translated into plotless explosions by Michael Bay in memory of Seamus Heaney.

[badbookblurbs]

Generation X - special-kids swarmed shiftless slacker seeks superstardom, sans striving.

Generation X by Douglas Coupland - a shiftless slacker swarmed by special-kids seeks superstardom, sans striving.  This book's limited page count means you get the big payoff of completing a novel without much work, or waiting for baby boomers to die.