I'm Badger Slick, & I write weird words of wisdom. @badgerslick - Tumblr Blog

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Ron's Pathetic Emails

My friend Ron has a bad habit of sending me emails that only he finds interesting. He also sends them to his 'friends'. As far as I know they haven't complained to him because they don't wanna hurt his fragile feelings. Me, I don't care. Later I'll submit to you our correspondence that ended this boring garbage. Here are some examples of what this 'relic' forwards. 1. History of screwdrivers 2. How to make tiny wood motorcycles from Popsicle sticks 3. Buying a new shovel guide 4. Cutting a vase in half with a saw (why not break it with a hammer?) 5. Washing dishes without a bra (Ron has a not-too-subtle deformity that requires him to wear a dwarf bull dyke training bra 6. Planting a 100 acre field with the new John Deere rolling seeder 7. Buying fish at the market (I find this strange as he doesn't eat seafood) 8. Inside a fast elevator 9. How to water domestic cactus plants with an eye dropper 10. Why I use superglue instead of band aids As you can see, he's a hands-on kinda guy. 11. Ballet slipper confidential (no comment) 12. My Czech grandma's stuffing recipe (Note to Ron: I'm sure the original recipe didn't have 28 ingredients and wasn't cut with Swiss Army knife attachments) 13. Beginners guide to door hinge replacement 14. A 2 minute walk down a deserted alley 15. Pyro-surgery in your kitchen: a new way for burning unwanted flesh with a soldering gun 16. Drill press maintenance for the vision-impaired handyman 17. Backing up your vehicle on a main street while its raining 18. Complaining about other people's driving habits continuously (very long repetitive video) 19. How to buy Kansas farmer shirts in foreign countries 20. Green fungus foot callous removal with repurposed kitchen appliances (warning: quite graphic) Had enough? Just be glad you are only reading the titles and not watching the videos. 21. Fly swatters, fly paper and repellents. Ron's guide for eating at his favorite cheap restaurants 22. From girlfriend to longtime roommate: how to tease, torment and ignore your partner 23. A monotone sings retchedly slow songs (better than sleeping pills) 24. Watch me run up and down escalators for no reason 25. How to bite, play and regurgitate food products in one easy motion (not for the faint of heart) 26. Time lapse of 'How I wore the same sandals for 10 years' (don't eat at least 30 minutes before watching) 27. A carpenters guide to wasting as much time as possible 28. My exciting world of photographing earlobes 29. Replacing new socks with new socks 30. Toilet repair while taking a dump I had to put an end to these videos. So what follows is our correspondence. It started with a photo of a 75+ knarled naked crone with disgusting tattoos all over her body. His comment was he found his 'girl' after 50 years. Jeeves: I can't sugarcoat your disgusting lack of what you think other people find entertaining. There's gotta be a website/chat room that has like-minded social outcasts such as yourself that you can communicate with instead of normal people such as myself. All of your ilk can make each other even more mentally ill on a daily basis. Ron: I remember doing her on the lawn at Woodstock! Jeeves: What's pathetic is she probably looked that way then. How did her feet taste? Like muddy grass clippings? Yum...yum...yum...you sick bastard! Ron: Fu*k you! So what video did he 'gift' me with next? 'Seniors in a German retirement home' calendar. I can't make this stuff up! Jeeves: Yeah...super... My life wouldn't be complete without something of no interest being sent to me from you on a daily basis. By the way... Try forcing yourself away from your endless searches for crap that no one gives a damn about? Ron: I shall delete you from my contact list immediately. XMas came early this year............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Street Outlaws, A Second Chance

My last review was of this same show. Street Outlaws - Fastest In America. I am a race fan. Especially drag racing. Why? Because each race is over in a matter of seconds. I like that. What I can't stand is inane conversation instead of racing. Unfortunately this program is mostly filler and little racing. So why am I doing a second review? Ever the optimist, I thought the show couldn't get any worse. Boy was I wrong. Here is a blow-by-blow playback of a disaster masquerading as entertainment. This series should have many races per show as 2 teams try to be the first to win 7 races. So there could be a total of 13 races. But each contest is divided into 2 shows. Why? So the participants can talk, argue, fight and make up. Kinda like a typical marriage. Anyway, this particular show starts with Carolina versus Detroit. Which is interesting because they don't race this week. A rerun clip starts the episode by showing some guys talking trash that turns into a scuffle. Filler. They even draw chips to see who races who. But...2 other teams are racing in this episode. Not them. Humm... New Orleans races the Northeast team this week. A clip is shown of Orleans winning the 1st round from a previous show. Their car sat on the line and didn't move on purpose. The other car left too soon, giving the victory to Orleans. In other words, no race. Now JJ the host is discussing race strategy with his friends. Filler. Now team Northwest talks strategy even before pairings are agreed upon. Filler. Guess what? Orleans also talks strategy. Ho...hum... However, a few minutes ago we saw 2 teams draw chips which aren't racing tonight. Go figure. So tonight racers aren't drawing chips. They're calling out other drivers. This is gonna take awhile. More yapping. 30 minutes and counting. No racing yet. Oh, did I mention every few minutes Discovery channel advertises its other shows? Ad nauseous. Now a repeat of the repeat of the non-race that Orleans won previously by not moving from the line. After 40 minutes the first race! Finally... Orleans wins. Hey! I got an idea. Let's all talk some more! Filler. 45 minutes and 1 race so far. By the way, everyone still yapping. 2nd race finally starts. Each race lasts maybe 5 - 6 seconds but this one is interrupted mid-race by more of the same Discovery channel show previews. Including the show we're trying to watch now. The race? Well, 1 car spun all over the track so it wasn't much of a race. Hold on... The show's over. Good. I've had all I can take. A 50 minute race(?) show and only 2 races? Yep... Does this channel know what a horrible 'dog' this show is? Put the poor animal out of its misery. To ease my mental pain I find the mute button on my remote a necessity. I think all of us have watched shows that we think can't get any worse. Some do. This is a textbook example. If you're interested in drag racing my advice is don't watch this program. But if terrible shows give you a perverse entertainment experience, you might wanna watch it. Which leads to the question. Am I gonna punish myself more by watching this program again? Of course! Punishingly............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves Nocturnal Emissions - Street Outlaws

I got hooked on the show since the 1st episode. A group of guys in Tulsa Oklahoma race against each other on the streets of that city. Illegally before Discovery channel got involved. Now they race legally on the same street weekly. These cars go way over 100 mph in the 1/8th mile. They race for money and to get to the top of the list. They also race out of town teams. There are accidents and arguments. Pride and money are at stake. The variety of competitor personalities make for compelling reality TV. As a bonus, the show has a couple of oddball pals who are prone towards wacky vehicle adventures. Very entertaining. In fact, a national craze call no-prep racing with big prize money is now sweeping the country at your favorite drag strips. Which brings me to... What else? A spinoff show of course! Street Outlaws - Fastest in America. Set in Memphis. Our host is JJDaBoss. Hopefully not his real name. He's the leader of the Memphis team. Teams from around the country compete against each other weekly to see who will take on JJ's team in the finale for $100.000. So far so good. Except... The show is mired in inane race talk, controversy and even fights. What follows is a synopsis of a typical show. Northeast against Kentucky. Last week was part 1 of 2 of the contest. This week the show starts with the 2 teams arguing. 1st race this week and a car won't start. 'I think y' outta purge at 800 'cause y' don't have no respond'. What? They get to the line and the race isn't close. The losers say the winner crossed the center line which would disqualify him. A fight ensues immediately. Then the teams make up. Another discussion begins as a competitor has to leave for a work-related issue. They've yakked to the point that there is now a rain delay. What do the guys do during the delay? Talk some more. And more. Please let the street dry! The street is dry. Yet more talk and no racing. Boring. I assumed the majority of the program would be actual racing. Don't assume! Unbelievably the 2nd race doesn't start until almost 40 minutes after the first. Finally... Oops... Another uncompetitive race. By the way, the car that won was in the 1st race of this weeks show. Which is strange because both teams have 7 cars and drivers they bring to the races. More talk: 'Car kin't git out 'till it rolls'. Commercial break advertising what else? The program I'm now watching! 3rd race wasn't close. 'We do runs the gits'. Okay... Next race the Northeast wins. Easily. The other car broke. They move on to the next round. Finally... Program over. Whew! A 50 minute race show and 4 races. C'mon guys... Did I mention that the last 2 cars raced last week? What happened to all the other cars? From my point of view I don't see how this mess can possibly be renewed for another season. There are 2 shows for the 2 teams competing that could easily be combined into 1. Why weren't the Tulsa boys invited? Because they have their own show. This program could take a lesson from another spinoff. Discovery's No-Prep Racing series. No-prep means entrants have to race on a track surface as is. Here the best individual street racers from around the country compete at venues around the nation. This show is broken into 2 weekly parts per track. Why? Because a lot of cars are entered. All race. Little talk. This is their 2nd season and I'm ready for number 3. Burnin' Rubber............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - The Devil's Graveyards

The oddest documentary I've ever seen. Believe me, I love good documentaries. Watch 'em all the time. This one is sadly about a scientist whose son was attacked in a vehicle by their pet German Shepard in the Algerian desert. Then the dog bolted and ran into the desert never to be seen again. Doctor Spencer, the father, a biologist by trade, has a mission to justify why the pet turned deadly. The father, in an attempt to absolve the dog from responsibility, tries to prove to himself and to us that a 'vortex' made the animal nuts. By the way, the father as you can imagine, isn't right. What follows are my comments on certain scenes throughout the program. After the tragedy, the father goes back to build a grid hooked to scientific measuring equipment for answers. For some reason this area has no apparent life which I admit is strange. He finds unusual magnetic inconsistencies. The father thinks the fluctuations somehow made the dog mad. Here's where it gets weird. His example: Remember those old fighter planes that disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle? He thinks there's a link. This subject has been beat to death. Turns out the pilots were grossly inexperienced. I'll let him slide this time. Who knows? We are now shown animals acting crazy. A lion having an epileptic fit for example. The doctor takes core samples and finds higher concentrations of certain minerals in the vortex area in Algeria. Then he says this applies to other world vortex areas. Which is interesting because vortexes are supposedly everywhere in our planet. Animal and weather behavior therefore are going bonkers because of these anomaly zones he believes. Total planet annihilation in twenty years Doctor? I'm gonna say you're full of it. He says unexplained events happen in world vortexes. Hey Doc, weird shit occurs everywhere. Of course he plays the extraterrestrial card. Why? He says the vortexes aide their navigation through space. Really... Flash back to animals going nuts. Why? Aluminum oxide isotope 26 is the culprit. At camp they find a small field of aluminum oxide isotope 26 that is supposedly the vortex magnetic bad guy. They figure if they give the ground a strong electrical shock, then the magnetism will disappear. A female electrical engineer, a Ms. Silva, whose just as driven as the Doctor, is in charge of the procedure. They didn't have enough juice the first time. Now with more power and 'the fate of the world at stake' (the documentarian's words), the second try is also a failure. Even after she strikes a metal post (attached in some way to their power source) with a huge axe to 'create' the explosion. Everyone was tired. The camera crew leaves for their camp to sleep. The film crew, two miles from the vortex camp, is rocked in their vehicle and the sky lights up with a gigantic explosion. Here's where my credibility index starts to go on high alert. The host says they went back the next morning. Are we to believe they simply went back to their camp and crashed out? Not turn around to see what the hell happened? Or if anyone was injured? Guess so. When they return, the camp is vaporized. But... A cameraman happened to leave behind a camera that was still coincidentally filming until the explosion. Humm... What did it show? Ms. Silva arguing with an American electrical contractor who helped set up the equipment. For some bizarre reason he grabs a thick copper line and drags it to the middle of the vortex field as he argues with Ms. Silva. Flash. Boom. Gone. A few questions: Is the Algerian desert really this green? Was it filmed in Algeria? Which means... Could the show be a 'recreation', based on actual (any) events? It bothers me for some reason an American electrical contractor is there. Why did the camera crew need their own camp? How did a camera survive this huge explosion? It was pretty much at the epicenter where everything else vanished. What the hell did I just watch??? Magnetically...........Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Thailand Bar Reopening Rules

Bars here have been closed for a few months. Too much risk of Covid. The government plans to open them on 1 July with a truckload of new sanctions. I'll get to them later. Just so you know, since the government has been keeping stats, out of a total population of 160 million, over 3,100 confirmed cases and under 60 deaths have been recorded. If this is to be believed, it appears to me that the 'pandemic' is somewhat exaggerated. New cases for weeks have been detected by nationals returning from overseas only. I could get into the politics of who they want to let in and why, but will let someone else carry that torch. I'm going to highlight some of the new rules (22 of them!). Remember, rules will constantly change, be added and also eliminated. And massively violated. The rules I will cover today may not be valid tomorrow. Pattaya is a great example of a drinking tourist destination. When bars closed, it is estimated that over 2000 bars had been open. My guess is that up to 500 won't reopen. The ones that do are going to face a clientele of few tourists. I can see a few hundred more rapid closures in the next few months. How many people can come to Thailand at this juncture? Not many people can even travel anywhere. Are there enough foreigners living here to support these establishments? Simply, no. Examples? Soi 6 has (had) 70 bars and were complaining about lack of customers before closing. Where is Walking St. gonna get young bodies to support their many nightclubs? When you read the new rules of operation are you even gonna want to go out? Maybe. Because as you will see, it will take an army of thousands to enforce these rules. Ain't gonna happen. What follows are some sample rules and my radical but needed upgrades I feel will make the bars sanitized at a higher level than the government could ever imagine. Rule: No overcrowded venues. Plan? Are they (I'm assuming the police) gonna go to all the bars in less than a week and set patron limits for each club? Are they gonna limit the number of working girls who crowd themselves into smaller bars so the customers can barely squeeze past them? My plan: I have no clue. Rule: Temperature screening of patrons and staff. My plan: I say management must continuously screen staff after every customer leaves the bar. Rule: Tables must be at least 2 meters apart or have partitions separating them. Plan? Will there be a special table separation measurement enforcement task force created? My plan: I like the partition idea. Put up chicken wire fences with gates surrounding each table. Rule: Chairs must be set up at each table. People should be sitting, not standing. Chairs should not be moved. Plan? How can folks sit if the chairs can't be moved? My plan: Have chairs bolted to the floor so no one is tempted to cheat. If they can't squeeze themselves into the seats they have to leave. Rule: Only eating and drinking allowed. No singing or dancing. Plan? If management catches someone singing, kick 'em out. My plan: I agree. It aggravates me to see others having more fun than I am. Rule: No bottle service. Liquid must be poured into glasses with ice. Plan? Snitches (all employees) will get reward money from the city if they video violators and call a 24 hour hotline. My plan: First of all, bottles are sterilized before liquid is introduced into each container. I maintain bar glasses washed with Pattaya water are not as clean. The ice will dilute the beer. A real treat for thousands of beer drinkers in the city. Yummy... I can solve the glass problem by substituting styrofoam cups which in addition to better sanitation will keep the beer and ice mixture colder longer. Rule: Disposable menus. Thrown away after a customer touches them. My plan: Put a menu board on the wall. By the way. Someone had to touch the menu before you. Rule: All staff must wear a mask AND a face shield. Plan? I assume foot patrols will be created for erratic quick-peek enforcement. My plan: Platoons of quick-deployment troopers hidden in roving truck convoys roam entertainment areas and rapidly storm into bars to catch staff violators. By the way, how does one pick up a girl when he can't legally see her face? Rule: Stages must have a partition between the audience and performer. Performers must wear a face shield. Plan? Refer to previous answer. These teams can do visuals on stage personnel while they perform their harassment assignments on permanent staff. My plan: I agree again. My question is do stage performers (DJ's too) spit on audiences? I had no idea. No wonder face shields are mandatory. Are barriers enough for this problem? Rule: There must be someone, maybe venue security to enforce these rules. Plan? No plan. My plan: Bribe security. Note: I don't trust in-house security to enforce these rules. Therefore I support specialized quick-strike law enforcement units on patrol. Rule: Toilets must be cleaned and disinfected hourly. Plan? I assume the security individual(s) should oversee this. My plan: Bacteria will be significantly reduced if all customers must purchase face masks, plastic booties and gloves upon entering each venue. Upon exiting toilet areas the customers must purchase a new set of plastic gloves from the latrine attendant. Rule: No use of pool tables or darts. Plan? Cover the pool tables. My plan: My concern is with the darts. What if an irate customer spits on a dart and then throws it at someone? Security better bring their 'A' game for abrupt dart flight interception. Rule: Do not allow service staff or hostesses to drink with customers. Plan? Constant surveillance. My plan: I agree. Am I to believe a guy will buy a girl a drink when you can't see her face or allow her to be present at your location? C'mon... Well guys, I've presented you with all the ingredients to have a miserable time. Still wanna go out? Sanitationally Yours............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Reptilian Warning

Here are excerpts from my lunch yesterday. Noodles not talking, burping into her phone. Grasping it with coiled wormlike appendages. Relt: What's going on after lunch? Jeeves: I gotta go to Foodland at Terminal 21. Could Noodles drop me off? Relt: I gotta get some stuff there too. Noodles, could you take us there? Noodles: No. Her mouth opens wide as a subtle warning. Pointed, razor sharp incisors on alert. Ready to sink into unsuspecting human flesh. A careless verbal movement of my mouth could have serious consequences. Jeeves: Wait a minute. The mall is only a mile away from here. Noodles: If you want to go I take you and Relt to Pelt Point where he can get his car and you two can go to mall. Then he take you home. Finishing her answer with a hissing sound from the depths of her tubular diaphragm. Then silence. Jeeves: Are you kidding me? You drive Relt's truck. And live in his condo. Last week your excuse was, 'I don't wanna sign in'. You are in law school so I assume you know how to write. But signing your name is an inconvenience? That's pathetic. Noodles: Silent treatment. A very unsettling reptilian grimace on her scaled face. Jeeves: I'll say it again. That's pathetic. Noodles: Silence. Her chameleon-like eyes changing to lifeless orbs, black as coal. A viper ready to strike without remorse. Relt: Well, our friend Ahab is joining us for lunch. He can take you to Foodland, wait and then take you home. (Wimping out as usual. Their whole life is open hostility towards each other, but he would not confront her) A scent of squirting danger is in the air. Jeeves: Don't involve Ahab. This should have nothing to do with him. And frankly, I'm afraid of Noodles.

Noodles: Silence. Playing, teasing her phone. Her earrings, necklaces and nose rings starting to jingle like the tail of a rattlesnake. Ahab arrives. Jeeves: She took your soul. Does the term 'self esteem mean anything to you? Take the keys to YOUR truck. If she doesn't like it tell her to get the hell out!

Relt pretends to be invisible.

Jeeves: Check please. (I pay and am getting up to leave) I maintain eye contact with this creature of a hidden world. Not trusting her to thrust her fangs into my neck if I blink.

Jeeves: Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life? Relt: He plays it smart and doesn't answer. His eyes glaze over. No comment. He's looking into distant bubbles of the cosmos no one but him can make sense of. Then starts whispering 'What if...what if...'. to an entity he can only see.

Jeeves: Earth to Relt. Why don't you grow some balls. Man up for a change.

Relt: Its too late for me. You know I can't. My medical condition.

Jeeves: I think you mean 'mental condition.' Relt: Aren't you gonna say goodbye to Noodles? (Honestly, he was serious!)

Jeeves: You're the one that needs to say goodbye. Before it's too late!

Noodles: Silence. Suffocating her phone. In coiling position. Ready to strike, smother and devour her prey in one gulp. Foaming at the mouth like a rogue python. Jeeves: I'm gonna slither... I mean leave now... Quickly!

Whew!............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Rob Riggle - Global Investigator

Actor and adventurer Rob Riggle travels around the world in hopes of solving some ancient mysteries. Been there, done that. Actor? Never heard of him. This program I predict will be nothing but a retread like many others preceding it. The subject matter will be as familiar as your toothbrush. A pirate (Black Caesar) treasure in the Florida keys is tonight's subject. Recent weather has beached debris from wrecks from the sea. Rob gets a metal detector and 30 seconds later finds nothing. We now know he has a short attention span. Next a historian fills Rob in on pirate Henry Caesar's history. His ship allegedly sunk off Key West. According to one 'expert'. Good luck. He hooks up with treasure hunters. Rob brokers a bogus percentage deal if treasure is found. He provides food for the crew. That's the deal? I must be behind the times. I thought treasure hunting ships weren't million dollar plus luxury yachts. Maybe the owner purchased the boat with earnings from suckers like him. My take is this yacht wasn't the result of discovering treasure bounties. Now they're gonna dive with metal detectors. They find an anchor which means they are on top of artifacts. Rob finds a coin. Yes, one coin. It turns out to be a shell. We now know he needs glasses. Then Rob finds a scabbard which he's gonna have a female expert identify. They fire old muskets on a new 'pirate' ship. Why? For filler and something to do. Surprise! The scabbard of course is much newer than of Caesar's time. Who would of thought? He asks locals about his quest. These folks have good advice. He's told chances of success will be 'zero'. Never one that listens to reason, he persists. At the Pirate Museum he gets a history lesson on Caesar. There were two Caesars. So instead of one phantom boat, there may be two which he'll never locate. The expert thinks the alleged wreck is in the Northern Keys, which is 100 miles away from where he started. He meets a local there in a small boat who shows him an old bottle he found. Would that not tell a guy that this guide has severe limitations? Oblivious, they go to a small key with metal detectors to search the beaches. And find a snake under a board. We now know Rob's afraid of snakes. Not one to show off, the guide snorkels in shallow water and finds a small brass pipe and a spike. One of the crew (Cowboy) from the yacht brings a magnetometer to scan Rob's new location. On a jet ski. Which stretches the limits of credibility since his boat is docked a hundred miles south. The device leads them to some tiny metal misshapen coins. Their value? Historical. Which means pretty well worthless. A fitting end with a totally predictable result. I do have a few conclusions. Obviously this program will not break new ground in solving any ancient mysteries. Ever! But It succeeds in a soft, puffy sort of way. Not because of the subject matter. It turns out Rob Riggle is a comedic explorer who has a clever quip for every situation. He doesn't take himself or the program seriously. And it works! For better or worse, there's two types of this kind of reality show. One type is where the people are stuck in their situation. Mountain Men is an example of people who have chosen a lifestyle that doesn't change once the cameras are gone. Anything Bear Grylls and his contemporaries are involved in is purely temporary. Some folks sink their savings looking for their fortunes. Bamazon, gold prospectors set in the Amazon jungle, is an example. The opposite would be Josh Gates of Expedition Unknown. If he finds anything at all it's mediocre. Then he jovially walks away to the next show and subject. They have one thing in common. They all get paychecks from the channels that film them. I'd say the real winners are the folks who survive in wilderness areas. Can you imagine their surprise when a representative from a cable network offers them $15,000 an episode? To do what? Nothing they wouldn't do anyway. Kill animals, cut down trees and build stuff. Ho...hum... They are the ones who found treasure without ever looking for it. Really............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Eating History TV Show

Old food collectors Old Smokey and Josh Macuga in this program are eating out of date packaged and canned foods that are decades old. They're not gonna like most of what they eat. No surprise there. The show is new and the food is old. I'm reviewing it now as I can't imagine the show will be on for more than a few weeks. What demographics are they trying to attract? People who are bummed the autopsy programs are on hiatus? Or maybe a few stragglers that watched what appeared to be two healthy young men who would let poisonous insects and reptiles bite them. Who came up with that concept? I tried to review it but couldn't stomach the visuals and screaming. Watching a tarantula bite a guy's arm is not for me. 1979 Fritos corn chips are first up. First a history lesson. Which I assume will be the case for other items eaten. Anyway, the chips didn't age well. They spit 'em out. The oil on the chips was rancid. They didn't get sick. Hardtack. A flour, water and salt concoction from a 1913 military reunion. Tastes quite dry and bleachy. Was a snack food given soldiers during wars. Onions, stale bread and peanut butter are freshly prepared. Was used during the Great Depression. The guys said it tastes like Thai food. Pepsodent tooth powder, 75 years old. Josh brushes his teeth with it. Tastes soapy. This program is 30 minutes long. I'll now report on the second half hour. Wheaties from 1947. There are holes in the cellophane and the flakes which means bugs have entered, eaten, died and turned to dust in the box. I beg of you guys...eat this. Yes! Salty, sour as hell. My expectations were so high for regurgitation when... They somehow enjoyed and kept it down when combined with milk. Military rations. 45 year old beef and rice. From the Vietnam war era. Bet the troops were thrilled to eat rice. Add water. Fishy smell which is odd. Salty and bland. 40 year old Tabasco sauce. Has gotten hotter as the ingredients age. 1982 ET movie candy. Musty, in pill form. Lemony and sugary. They like it. That's it. A very harmless program unless you're the one trying the old food. It was a major disappointment they didn't at least retch. What's more pathetic is they didn't have digestive issues. Not even a cramp. Even more disappointing was no spontaneous and uncontrollable diarrhea blasts. Bummer. At most they just made ghoulish faces. Hopefully before the program is canceled, the above mentioned side effects will present themselves savagely and violently. I predict that ratings would significantly improve. Do they have a national club? Such as the Brotherhood of Old Repulsive Products? BORP. If so, are conventions held in abandoned food processing facilities? Would they trade old food items? 'I'll give you two packs of 1932 Mama Clobcod's catsup bubblegum for one can of 1951 Skink Brothers herring paste.' What never ceases to amaze me is what people around the world choose to collect. Does a small voice nag a person subliminally until they decide to collect say...pre-1940 wood bench dual hole outhouse seats? Who knows? There is a collector underground that does collect old packaged and canned food. Some of these folks send Smokey and Josh the food to taste. Why? Because these aficionados are curious about the taste profiles and don't want to take the chance of getting food poisoning. I was determined not to watch another show but I will. There's no doubt they're gonna get sick. I need to be watching when that happens. Retchedly............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Mountain Monsters

Gosh I used to enjoy this show. The premise is simple. Six backwoods outdoorsmen from the Appalachian area seek out monsters that people in small towns and farms are asking them to investigate. First let me introduce the cast. Trapper: Team leader. He's a tracker. Hell, they all are. His specialty was examining shit barehanded and sniffing it too. He would pull it apart to see what it was composed of. Unfortunately he died recently. His digestive by-products examinations will be sorely missed. Buck: Youngest team member. He's in charge now that Trapper's gone. He's the fattest of the group by a wide margin. But he, like the rest of the group, can flat move in the forest. When you're brought up in a poor semi-wilderness environment, your chances of survival are greater if you're fast on your feet. Jeff: Researcher. Relates history and legends about the creatures they're after. Old, bearded and overweight. Old in Appalachia is anyone over fifty. Huckleberry: Security. Same age as Jeff. Tallest of the crew, bearded and also in need of a diet. They all carry guns except Jeff who carries an infrared heat sensor. Willy: Trap builder. Probably in his forties and in shape. He comes up with a different creative trap every week. Wild Bill: Assistant trap builder. Same age as Jeff. A crazy and loud ex-Marine. Desperately in need of oral hygiene improvement. If he was put on a corn on the cob diet he would starve to death. Also entertainingly clumsy on occasion. Quite an interesting crew. I'll start off as if Trapper is still alive. Someone calls say from West Virginia about monster sightings. The crew except for Willy and Bill go to investigate. They talk to locals and even are shown videos and photos of the beast. When the viewers see this visual evidence its only for a split second or two which to me is bogus. All such evidence should be broken down and shown in more detail. Then they go on a survey to get the lay of the land. In search of the Devildog, Grassman, Wildman and so on. They always make varying degrees of contact. Real or not, it's a refreshing departure from the Finding Bigfoot series which in its ten years or so run seems to scare or repulse the creatures they seek. Next the crew calls Willy and gives him information to pre-fab a trap that he and Bill erect with cut trees on a game trail near the activity of the day/night before. These traps are simple, big, sturdy, clever and almost never capture the creatures. The fun is watching them build the traps. Bill means well but needs Willy's guidance as he has a limited attention span. When the trap is tested, all the guys clap and yell. Team spirit. Next is the night hunt on the ground and in quads. They encounter crude tree limbs arranged in odd patterns, cornfields, hollows, boulders, hills and creeks. They get harassed and chase these things trying to direct them to the trap. Usually when the thing is in the trap it escapes before the team reaches it. One time they were after a giant hog. The Hellhog. They had a shadowy video of a huge outlaw pig from a local farmer. They captured it and the viewer saw it in the trap. But the pig in the trap was just a large barnyard specimen. I'm a seasoned viewer and caught the discrepancy immediately. Occasionally one member will get 'cursed' by one of the creatures. Disappear and then be found half naked and in a daze. This never happens to Bill as there would be no noticeable change. One time Huckleberry went missing on a chase and was found almost naked and incoherent. No sane person wants to see that. Why would an entity want to get close to a hairy, tall and fetid smelling individual? I have no idea. Once Huckleberry removed a metal foreign object from Jeff's nose with forceps which you don't see every day. At the end of every show they have a group yell and leave the area. I liked the show until...... In the fifth season they (who?) changed the format. The team goes to the haunted Black Forest in search for a Bigfoot. They encounter a sinister red shack, child of the woods, a Bigfoot, and another monster I can't remember. They also start encountering a 'rogue team' of mystery men who harass and kidnap them at will. The rogues are always a step ahead. So begins a wilderness soap opera that continues every episode. Our guys are coerced into scavenger hunts looking for clues for secrets of the Black Forest. Gone are the lighthearted romps in a different location every week. This happened until the end of the season. Then the show went on hiatus for over a year and a half. I didn't think it would return. Travel channel last September presented new episodes. I was excited until they went back to that Black Forest crap again. Same old shit with this 'rogue team' concept. I don't know if this is the end of the series or not. I do know the guys have enough personality to carry the show without the needless gimmicks of the same location and a mysterious enemy gang. I'd like to say something clever, but it's a bummer seeing an entertaining show turned on its ear. Hiatusly............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Reclaimed

What the hell kind of reality show is this? A pretty stupid one if you ask me. Two guys search the old west for old mining claims they think may contain minerals that remained after mines closed. They make a deal with the landowners giving them a cut of what is extracted from the claim. Sometimes they ask for hunting rights to sell during hunting season. Last but not least part of the deal is rebuilding a structure on the property as part of the agreement. All fine and good on the surface except... Most of the show isn't actual mining. Anything but. For example, they upgrade a Colorado cabin that's above 9000 feet in elevation. Except they forget to insulate it. For one thing people can't just go anywhere they feel like and hunt. They even came up with prices to charge for hunting and lodging. So far these guys, Alex and Kevin are plying their trade exclusively in Colorado. Just so you know, this state has been raked over for years by prospectors. It's very rare anything of value is left for these guys to extract. Investigating mines that can still pay is a monumental undertaking. Never forget that this is a typical 'reality' show. They're 60 miles from Denver. In a silver mine. Just so you know...the price of silver is so low that nowadays making a living with a barely investigated mine is a fools errand. Anywhere. In today's case they take the word of the owner. This week we have a bonus! Paranormal investigators are hunting 'spirits' inside the mine. Surprisingly they fail to 'connect'. At any rate, Alex and Kevin negotiate a deal with owner Jerry Jensen for 5% of the mine if they give him a cash payment and other considerations, which flashed across the screen so fast I have no idea what they entail. They also put an upgraded (bigger fan and some ducting) ventilation system in the mine and... Fix up a dead school bus for the owner to use as an office. The action is non-stop. Have you caught your breath yet? I can tell you that putting two tires on a bus has never be so...so...... Ho...hum. They spray bleach to kill mold in the mine. Also find some dynamite carelessly left in one shaft. The tiny highlight of the show is when they ignite it. If you stop reading this now I don't blame you. Continuing, they refurbished the bus minimally and installed a barbecue! After the guys left, Jerry Jensen the mine owner, started mining silver and stands to make $200,000 a year he says. So the boys make $5000 a year for 5 years. Not so fast. Is that after overhead? Will the mine continue to produce at that rate? If the price of silver plummets they'll shut 'er down until prices go up. Any number of negative variables can happen that the viewers aren't aware of. To continue, what if Jerry gets sick or has an accident? A little history. The Jensen family has mined this claim and a gold mine nearby for years. In other words, keep Jerry healthy. Gold prices are going up dramatically. Yet at Jerry's gold mine he's giving tours. Hmm... Mining has always been speculative and rarely rewarding. That's kinda the way I feel about 'reality' shows. My prediction is this series is gonna get shafted soon. Predictably............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Expedition Unknown

I'm back! Thank God for explorer Josh Gates. He and his producers find obvious targets to explore for treasure. You know the game. It's been played out in too many shows of this ilk. 'We're searching for buried treasure!' If you can think of any place that's been totally investigated, Josh is your man. How can a guy be so excited about going to sites that have been picked over for decades? I'm assuming that too many viewers are not schooled enough to realize he will NEVER find anything of value. His excitement is contagious. It's bullshit and I can tell you to not waste time searching with Josh as he will never find anything other than the odd nail or clay artifacts wherever he goes. Let me ask you a question. People, expeditions, decades of investigations in the same areas Josh searches have not found these alleged treasures. How can he find what others can't in two weeks? The obvious answer is, 'ain't gonna happen'. Go with him to the Andes for a lost treasure. He bounces around in the jungle for awhile. So what. Then, at the end of the show he digs up broken pottery. He's excited as hell. I'm no expert, but I maintain if I went to the Andes cold turkey, hired a guide and said find some chunks of pottery, (that would be dumb) there is no doubt I would be successful. His exuberance can't be real because the seasoned viewer knows not to get excited over broken vases. Case in point: He goes to the Florida Keys in search for Jose Gaspar's sunken pirate ship. Of course he pores over old texts to make us think he has clues overlooked by other experts. Sure he has. Scholars do the same thing...for years. And end up finding nothing. There are many treasure hunting outfits in the Keys just waiting for marks like Josh to appear. They'll show you a sunken ship because there are hundreds of them. Rent a boat and catch a fish. Rent a boat and find a sunken ship. Happens every day. So what does he do? Gets on board a ship from Mel Fischer Expeditions. Who or what is that? The deceased Mel after years and deeply in debt, found the most lucrative shipwreck in history. Of course he had to fight the state of Florida to get his well deserved money. In the end he prevailed. Anyway, Josh has got the scent. The chase is on! Mel's son takes him to a new shipwreck site. My bet is Mel Jr. or whatever his name is had been to the site before and deemed it worthless. So Josh and some guy dive to the ship. Predictably nothing of value is discovered. But Mel Jr. or whoever says it's a new discovery. Now let's play along. Mel Jr.: That's a new find. (he's not excited - been there & done that) Josh: So I'm the first person to view this wreck since it sunk? Mel Jr.: Yes you are. Heh...heh. Josh: I feel so fortunate. Mel Jr.: What artifacts did you find? Josh: Pottery! Mel Jr.: Of course you did. Remember this. No matter where he goes he has to find something. Coincidentally on every episode, whether in the mountains or in the ocean, he always finds pottery. I've watched him dry-heave with fake elation when he finds even the tiniest shard. Pitiful. Now here's the final payoff. Turns out experts think that this Jose Gaspar wasn't real. He was a fictional character. Why were we not told this at the beginning of the show? Could it be we might not of watched this fiasco? That SOB Josh knew we wouldn't watch if we found out at the start that the premise was bogus. Don't worry about Josh. When the show is mercifully cancelled he'll be selling fake ancient pottery at a flea market near you. Thanks Josh............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Truck Night In America

Five contestants and their 4WD trucks compete on obstacle courses. The four presenters are very experienced off-road veterans. The first test has five vehicles go up a hill. Slowest is eliminated. Presenters are then paired with the remaining four contestants to mentor them through the rest of the show. A word of warning. Folks spend billions of dollars on trucks and accessories every year. Why this show continuously has mostly beat up trucks compete is beyond me. Sorry to say ratings must not be that good as they've changed the rules for this show. Only the first two trucks to finish the hill climb will be allowed to continue. Why? Two NASCAR drivers who didn't even have to face the hill climb to quality are competing. Guess what two trucks made it in to the finals. Not a fair fight. I'm gonna suspend this column until the next show. The trucks are lined up and ready to go at the bottom of the hill course again. They look well used. No trailer queens here. The junk blazer made it ten yards before rolling back to the starting line. He ended up finishing but is last and gone. The trucks have names. The Toyota is called Yota for example. The next challenge is two trucks towing two cars up a hill on a side by side drag race. It's starting to rain which affects traction. Yota has a small propane powered engine. He's gotta face a 600 horsepower Chevy and loses. Now there are three. They now go to the garage for maintenance. Somehow one contestants engine valve cover has fallen off which is highly unusual. The next contest is a course where logs are buried then placed straight up and the vehicles must drive over them and not high-center. For some reason the Jeep has no reverse gear. The hosts are genuinely into cheering these guys beating the hell out of their trucks. The big Chevy's front axle actually came off the truck. How cool is that? He's eliminated. The two trucks left are in the shop again for repairs. Two trucks are left for the major obstacle course finale. It's raining like hell which is perfect for wrecking. One obstacle is a junk pile of cars which the trucks have to go through. The Jeep stops in the mud pit in which every vehicle always gets stuck. He doesn't finish. One guy left. A young guy who drives what looks like a beat to hell Chevy. He does surprisingly well. Gets stuck in the swamp, winches out and wins! I know...I know. I wish more strange breakdowns happened like in past shows I've watched. Alas, it was not to be. I'll admit I'm in a slump. The damn program was just too entertaining. Frustrated............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Forged In Fire

This may come as a shock to you. I like this program. Four bladesmiths forge knives from scrap iron items in studio forges. The rough knives are examined and one contestant is eliminated. Round two they refine their blades and install handles. Two tests are conducted and one more contestant is asked to leave the forge. The two remaining players are given a bladed weapon or sword to replicate at their home forges. When they return their weapon has to survive three tests to win. Sometimes one blade fails before the tests end and the remaining contestant wins be default. There are three judges. Each an edged weapons expert. The most memorable one is Doug M. He has a bladed weapons self defense school. He's the man who cuts, pokes, slices and decapitates dead animals on stage. And enjoys it! When a weapon performs well he says his famous phrase, 'It will kill'! The guy is a maestro of mayhem when he tests a weapon. I even like the host, an ex-soldier who doesn't let his ego interfere with the proceedings. What follows is a typical program. Richey, Elijah, Austin and Dan are today's contestants. They're gonna make a thin combat knife out of forging three sizes of metal rods. This is pretty tame as they usually give the forgers junkyard metals to use. They heat and bind the rods then pound them to form a blade. Richey tells us how his progress is but his southern drawl makes his comments impossible to understand. After the hot blade is pounded to form the blade is quenched. Which is dipping it in hot oil to harden the metal. If blade perimeters are not met the contestant is eliminated. Richie shows his blade. Elijah has a warp. Austin does a good job. Dan is the least competent and is eliminated. Now the three make handles and the blades tested. J. Neilson is the judge who is responsible for most of the blade failures. For example, he'll put a blade on a deer horn and beat it violently with a bat. I don't agree with tests that a user wouldn't ordinarily do in daily blade use. Elijah forgot to put his guard on before installing his handle. Barely made it. J. Neilson is gonna thrust the blade into a gas can. Richie passed it well. Elijah shockingly passed the test. Austin is tested last. His blade broke. Goodbye. Richie and Elijah now have to go home for four days and replicate a samurai-like sword called a katana. Which is odd. Usually the contestants have five days. Richie may have a problem as he set some of his equipment on fire. Put it out in time to cause minimal damage. Elijah had no forging issues. They're back in studio for the final tests. Doug is gonna attack a hung pig carcass with Richie's blade. Cut the pig in half. 'It will kill'. Elijah's blade does just as well. 'It will kill' also. J. Neilson is gonna attack bamboo viciously. Richie did well. So did Elijah, even with a slight bend. Doug cuts through sand bags. Richie's handle cloth is unraveling. Elijah passes the final test also... And wins! I have to apologize as this is the most 'normal' review I've ever done. I feel it's boring as hell. I had not seen this episode before and was anticipating catastrophic failures throughout the show. Sadly, this was not to be. So, as a bonus I'll review the next Forged In Fire show. Mike, Ben, Sawyer and Justin are up next. They gotta take drill bits and melt them together to form a blade. New judge Ben Abbott, another violent tester is subbing for J. Neilson today. They put the drill bits in sealed metal canisters and put them in the forge to melt into one ingot. I've seen people faint and have other assorted medical issues during this process. Alas, not today. Mike broke his blade in half. He's welding it together as a desperate attempt to have something to show the judges. First round judging. Justin's blade passes well. Sawyer's blade has a slight warp. Ben's blade is like a club. Mike's blade is just too weak to survive any testing. Gone. Now the three guys who move forward have to install handles and refine their blades. Ben broke his handle and has to craft another one. Sawyer is the young gun and is doing well. Testing. Ben is gonna strike a cinder block with Justin's knife. It passed. Sawyer's knife broke. Ben's knife has delaminations but is tested anyway. It doesn't break! No need for a second test as there are only two contestants left. Now the survivors go to their home forges to make a rather short 'balazanda'(?) sword. It pains me to report there were no issues during this phase of the competition. But wait! Ben's knife has a crack! Damn! False alarm. Final testing. Kill test with Doug. Pig carcass again. Ben's sword decimates it. Justin's blade does almost as well. Judge David Baker swings Ben's blade into a wood shield. Same with Justin. Doug is slicing cloth. Yeah, real tough test. Cloth? Justin wins by the narrowest of margins. Good contest. What can I say? The show is just too normal to make fun of. Oh Well............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Alone (not really)

Once again let's dive into the world of phony 'reality' television. These shows appeal to folks who enjoy watching people suffer. Why? Their lives are shit and they want to see people worse off then themselves. You know the type. To add artificial credibility to the show, producer Vic 'Ropemouth' Dimonucci hired his drinking buddy Bear Grylls as Chief Technical Adviser. Bear was available due to injuries sustained in a bizarre methane explosion inside a defective outhouse at the Mt. Shasta visitors center San-O-Let sewage park. The guy proved his mettle by wearing commercial-grade bloat diapers without complaint. This series takes place in the Arctic. Day 43. Six people remain. Barry talking to camera. Misses his wife. Duh... Checks his traps. Medical crew checks on him. Alone? Naw. He's crying, won't stop whining about his wife not being with him. Pathetic. Nikki spit on a rock and commented that it froze. Glad for the valuable insight. Checking traps. Killed a rabbit. Gonna eat vegetables out of the butchered hare's stomach. Cool! Woniya checking her traps like the other contestants. Caught a squirrel. She's thrilled. Wish I could say I was. No one has gotten deathly ill. Not even the dry-heaves. A major disappointment. Ho...hum... Jordan's inside his tent complaining. Goes to fish with a reel and branch for a pole. He has no bait. Just a hook. What a surprise he failed. Drags himself back to his tent to pout. Nathan cut his hair. A perfect example of how desperate this show is for content. He almost fainted while walking which for me would of been a program highlight. Woniya is doing the female empowerment schtick. Not only men but women can do this stupid crap too. Blah...blah...blah... Ya think? Michelle films checking her traps. Seems to be the highlight of everyone's day. She's fatigued because of low calorie intake. Get this! As a bonus she's constipated too! I think she's starving and can't take a dump which makes for an unusual and intriguingly watchable medical condition. Especially now that she can't focus and is starting to hallucinate. Definitely need to show more of her struggles. She's crying. Needs to hook up with Barry for a group whine. Nathan checks his gill net and shockingly has a fish! To me this is the first and last edible meal of the program. Michelle whimpers in her sleep. She's a pro at feeling sorry for herself. She gives up. Or is this Nikki? Who cares? Calls...yes calls for extraction. She was the most vulnerable of the lot so no surprise. I think the shows ratings will plummet without her continuous misery. One thing they all suffer acutely from is boredom. Like the viewers. I don't know how many episodes I missed before tonight's show. So here's a list of questions. Q: Why at all locations are there no bears, wolves or moose? A: The contestants would have to be armed. Q: Why not arm them? A: Because the producers are afraid these (unstable) people might turn the weapons on themselves or production employees. Q: Why does the majority of the show evolve around depressive self-analysis? A: Ratings. Q: Why were these people chosen? A: Contestants are carefully screened by trauma psychiatrists for weaknesses the show will exploit relentlessly. Q: What precautions does the show provide for their safety? A: Oh...the usual. Weekly medical evaluations. Continuing psychological tests that aren't part of the televised part of the program. Boat and air rescue. Bush phones. Panic buttons. Drones. Emergency first aid kits. Herding unwanted wildlife away from the contestants. Miscellaneous tools of which I would like to inventory just to see how prepared the show wants them to be. Q: What other support personnel does the show provide from their headquarters over the hill? A: Video techs to make sure the cameras function at all times. Don't wanna miss accidents, complaining and crying. Medics at the field hospital. A hypnotist who doubles as camp bartender. Chow hall personnel from the local Awahini Eskimo village. Local outdoorsmen to protect the compound from the animals they displaced from the 'campers' areas. Zombie-like groupies for non-essential errands. Recreational director and ballet instructor Pierre Pourquet, so personnel won't get as listless as the 'victims' the show is about. Q: Why do people wanna be on the show? A: To prove to themselves that they can hack it in the wilderness. Q: Why was the last answer bullshit? A: Because they know help is a phone call away. Q: And? A: Why compete? C'mon... Money and fame. In that order. The money will last longer than the fame. Q: What have I missed by not watching this show from the first installment? A: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, 'NOTHING'! Yawningly............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - A Day In The Life Of Bear Grylls

When I noticed this program was airing tonight I had tears in my eyes. But not of joy. Ye Gods! How much more can the viewing public take of this guy? At last count he's had I don't know how many survival shows. I don't know how many and I refuse to find out. To say he's over-exposed would be an understatement. I don't enjoy these types of programs but am watching it so you don't have to. Highlights? Bear wakes up in different countries. Breakfasts of bugs (protein). He almost pukes in the Sahara. Unfortunately he doesn't. He cooks a tarantula in Guatemala. My turn to hurl. Makes tea out of some unnamed plant that even he finds disgusting. Which means to real humans it's toxic. Bath time in various locations. Brushes teeth with leaves and twigs. The guy is too cheap or forgetful to even bring a toothbrush with him? Thankfully a very short segment. He climbs a lot. And bitches when the going gets tough which I enjoy. If he'd just slip once. Oh well, can't have everything. He crosses areas on very unstable logs which would be a red flag for any outdoorsman. Not Bear. Maybe it's because he's not alone. Just guessing. Lunch is larvae, slugs. Dissects some sort of caterpillar for juice. Catches a fish and for some reason decides to eat it raw. Better go find a beetle for dessert which he does. I maintain the producers edit out him puking. You know he does. He comes to grips with whatever environment he's in. Of course he does or he'd be in trouble or dead. Oh...I forgot... GPS beacon. He's a jumper too. Just once I'd like to see him misjudge and twist or break something. We have yet to see his emergency medical training on himself. Never will. Too bad. A helicopter is always minutes away. Constructs shelters in different locations. Builds an ice cave in Alaska. A lean-to in some jungle. A hammock in a tree which we're led to believe he's gonna sleep the night. Not a chance. Kills a lizard. Surprise! He cooked it! Time for some after dinner grubs for that dumpster taste you just can't find in your fine dining rainforest shacks anymore. Finds a sheep carcass in Ireland he rips and shreds with his hands! Uses the pelt as a sleeping bag. I'll give the guy credit for traveling light. In Africa he pisses around another animal carcass as a buffer against hyenas. I'm curious. Does this survival secret work on other predators? Such as pissing around a dead moose in Alaska to keep the badgers away? Anyway, he uses the animals neck as a pillow. Imagine a freshly dead animal on the African savannah with no predators in sight. Coincidence? Naw. Some guys have all the luck. Hummm...... I think I've solved the mystery of why animals around the world avoid him. His diet. I maintain that what he eats causes a stench around him so obnoxiously putrid that no wild animal with any sense of smell would think twice about Bear avoidance. Then add his bodily waste evacuation functions and you get a living biohazardous mobile landfill on the move. The vignettes for this show were taken from previous programs. One can only hope he doesn't come out with, 'Another Day In The Life Of Bear Grylls. Overbugged............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - Man vs. Bear

Yet another take on outdoor survival shows. Bart, Honeybump & Tank. Three grizzly bears raised in captivity against three contestants. Set in the mountains of Utah. Bear Mountain to be exact. We'll see what happens. Bart pulls a contestant off a porch with a rope wrapped around their waist. The damn bear weighs 1400 pounds! He pulls a rope attached to Krissy. Shockingly it took the bear 28 seconds to pull her off her perch. Once he got purchase she was almost yanked out of her pants into a water pit. Gym jock Mike is up next. Got the same 28 second score. Last up is Brad. A slightly built runner type guy who didn't stand a chance at 8 seconds. Bart pushes a 2000 pound spool a short distance against poor Brad who pushes another spool four times his weight & decisively loses. Mike loses to the bear easily also. Krissy gets her small spool and shockingly pushes it closer to the finish than the two men! Tank is gonna eat 5 different foods vs. the contestants. They had to eat bugs too. Well, this wasn't exciting. Just gross. Honeybump, a small female is running against each contestant on an obstacle course. All the bear has to do is run in a straight line which she won't do. Brad's a sleek runner and I think did well. Krissy did not do as well as I expected. However, Mike & Krissy have accumulated enough points to go on to the finals. Contestants get in a metal mesh ball. Bart pushes the ball into a hole. Krissy lasted 28 seconds before being rolled into the hole. She wins overall and will be competing in a future round. Now that my frenzied excitement is somewhat controlled I'll break down the program. Surprisingly, I thought the contestants were somewhat normal. Even likable. The two male hosts were unobtrusive & forgettable which is a compliment in my world. It's obvious that the bears have very little training in preparation for this program. Now I'll break down the challenges. Tug of War: The reason the first 2 contestants got good times is the bear wasn't interested in biting the rope and pulling. Solution: Have the trainer force a rope covered in honey down the bears mouth and yell to the contestant, 'Pull!' Spool roll: Replace the spools with dumpsters. Any bear who's had any contact with humans knows what a dumpster is. Combine this with the food challenge. Each contestant will have a unit weighted according to their weight. All units will have food inside. The contestants run to the dumpsters, including the bear, turn them on their sides and start eating what's provided inside. Nuts, berries, insects, raw fish & steak tartar. When the bear is finished the other contestants will have what's left of their food weighed to determine a winner. Points are deducted for puking. Obstacle course: The program I watched found Honeybump not willing to run competitively. It shouldn't be a stretch for a handler who's been with these beasts for years to find a way to force them to run. It seemed that he couldn't. That's where I come in. I'm a problem solver. See, 'Bump needs a reason to run. The night before the program put an electric clasp on each leg. In fact, I'd say put the shackles on her a few months in advance so she adapts to them naturally. At first she'll try to gnaw them off. Regularly administered electric cattle prod shocks should solve the problem humanely. Anyway, when the race starts, 'tender jolts' from a qualified electrician alternate from paw to paw. She'll run. Mesh ball roll: Bart again seems disinterested in the process. The metal ball with a person inside isn't worth his effort to roll it even 20 feet. Pathetic. Solution: Spray contestant with she- bear 'in heat' ovarian extract solution and put him or her in the ball with live chickens. Bart will go nuts, try to get inside the ball, and violently push it into the pit. How will he stop trying to enter the ball? He won't. We then shoot him with a tranquilizer gun. I know what you're gonna say. 'It's cruel!' A bee sting is more painful than a sharp metal probe. Everyone knows this. These big boys can handle the 'juice.' And...the program only lasts maybe 20 weeks. Also alternate Bart with Tank. That way both these animals get the thrill of a potential mating frenzy and regular chemically-induced afternoon naps. Accidents can happen. Therefore the only advice I can give the people who compete is to make sure there is at least one person on the set who they can outrun. Competitively............Jeeves

Jeeves Peeves & Nocturnal Emissions - XFL

Houston Renegades versus Dallas Roughnecks. Or is it the other way around? Who cares? The color guy says it's a rivalry which is odd since they've not played each other. Ever! Activity alert! A play review in the booth and we get to see an official in a chair looking at a screen! Kudos to the work that goes in to forming a new professional league. I can't imagine all the intricacies involved. Hiring administrative, coaches, players and referees that the NFL has no use for is easy due to the sheer volume of rejects and wannabes. What about the investors who obviously have too much disposable income? It's a slam-dunk guaranteed tax write-off. Activity alert! We get to hear Houston's (or is it Dallas - who cares) head coach call an offensive play! 'Dip two off gill mew volt'. Thanks for commentary no one has any hope of understanding. Activity alert! Lady interviews a defensive player on the bench after an interception. Lalala: Explain that play Horboblo. Horboblo: Yob yet ball kinda jist fell in mah paws. Lalala: Are you glad to be playing football again? Horboblo: Beats teachin'. Activity alert! Head coach calls a play: 'Dog do bow wow left bone shank'. (It's so exciting to listen to something you don't understand...again) Extra points can be one, two or three points depending on ball placement after a touchdown. I like it. Well, I gotta like something. Quarterback for one team already has three interceptions and it's only the first quarter! And you thought Eli Manning retired. Actually, I won't memorize any players names unless they get injured. (A special hobby of mine) The success of this league depends on TV revenue. Good luck. Fans? There will ALWAYS be folks who will go to ANY athletic event. In this instance, Why? 1. Ticket prices have to be low or free. 2. They have no hope of ever affording NFL season tickets. 3. They desperately want to be part of something. Anything, as long as it's cheap. Activity alert! Defensive coach calls a play! 'Burp hair und effer whorl'. Jeeves: Whut? Have you ever been channel-hopping and accidentally tuned on a pro women's basketball game? Yes? No? Either way, you're not missing anything... The reason I bring this up is the cameras quite selectively pan only the first few rows so it seems like there's more fans than are really there. There has never been an audible fan count and never will. My point is; will the XFL release fan counts? Not until there's more fans. Fan alert! We're told over a hundred fans from Houston came to Dallas wearing team jerseys! Jeeves: They wouldn't happen to be patrons of Losers Bar? Misfits Welcome! Lalala: Zoltinian, how does it feel to sack, recover a fumble and score? Zoltinian: Ah deem come troot. Post-game thoughts... The game was competitive. I didn't pay attention to who won. Not that it matters a hoot. Remember that ALL theses players aren't good enough to be NFL bench-warmers. This league fills time between college and pro football seasons. No more. No less. There will always be people who watch their favorite sport no matter the quality of play. Would I watch another game? Naw............Jeeves

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