[bae-kugo]

My heart hurts..it feels like there’s this big hole and all I can wish is for you to text me sweet things…to just tell me everything is okay.

I go to bed alone with my thoughts.

[bae-kugo]

this blog is still essentially private. I mean no one will really read my feelings. 

i have so much anxiety right now. 

I get scared on actually finishing school. having a legit doctor position. it’s overwhelming at times.

i get scared about if i’m even smart enough to do what i want to do for a living, and i get nervous about the future. I get scared that i’ll mess it up..or i get scared that I may end up really doing a lot of things by myself in the future like..raise kids...having to do stuff overall by myself. I hated to see my mom be so alone all the time, so what if i end up turning into what i hated to see growing up? 

I can only hope i guess.

[bae-kugo]

i had a dream to get out of louisiana during my schooling, and i guess i finally did it. 

How stressful and tough yet rewarding it has been. 

Between spending 3 years in hell to now being able to see glorious mountain sides everyday with some of my fur children is a blessing. I’m not in an extravagant place by any means. There is no central heating, the apartment itself has a lot of quirks, and the building looks like you can kind of get murdered in it from the outside, but the change of scenery itself has been pretty nice. Just like most places, you’ll find yourself some rude people, but majority nice people...i’ve been grateful to meet some really nice people so far. 

The move itself was...stressful. At first i was telling myself I regretted it a lot,but i had no way of turning back even if i wanted to. This was part of my fate at this point and a new adventure I was planned to set out on. However, I reconnected with some old friends along the way and found new amazing and beautiful things landscapes to enjoy. 

My landlord has been nothing but accommodating for me (even though he is brand spanking new at his job).  He has his own two kids and a wife and he’s come from japan. His older kid is about four and flipped out over my life sized bulbasaur, and i thanked them for everything by giving them a little louisiana type stuff. 

I met a new friend while getting my internet set up. She’s from Florida and she overheard me talk to the rep about my pc build that i had made a month back. She had shown me hers and how hers is jolteon themed (while mine is venusaur themed) and we hit it all pretty well! It feels good to have connected with someone and be able to meet and hang out with in that manner. 

As i’m typing this, i can’t help but to keep on looking outside with my cat in my lap sleeping peacfully. I’m excited to hike, try new foods, meet new friends along the way..and i can’t wait to share these experiences.

Most importantly, i can’t wait to see the person i’m in love with again. 

i just hope he can’t wait to see me soon too..

[paulfrankjuliusthemonkey]

anyway. onto better things

[mukkiethekip]

family outing (full view!)

[jokeboy-deactivated20260221]

my skills include being a sleepyhead and a sweetiepie

[bae-kugo]

I watched my first cochlear implant surgeries today. 

And here’s what I've learned: 

1.) give doctors and surgeons some respect at least. They’ve gone through hell just to learn how to take care of us in a specific field..I at least have to give credit when it’s due.  2.) at the same time, I've also learned that life is in the hands of other people who work hard to understand medicine. As I was watching someone first hand on a table with their skull being drilled in, it made me wonder how seriously quick a surgery CAN possibly go wrong with any wrong move.

3.) I might not become a doctor who conducts surgery...but I am a doctor who will specialize in someone’s fate in their hearing health.. I need to be more mature in terms of the lives of my patients this year, and I hope to make that a goal.  4.) Surgeons listen to soft rock and fall out boy during surgery. I sat there listening to 3am by matchbox 20 whilst watching two holes be drilled in a mastoid bone to find the round window in the cochlea.

5.) Watching a surgery happen in a surgery room was almost like being in a medical show, but it feels a lot more real whenever you’re in the corner watching and taking it all in person like a fly on the wall. I was surprisingly desensitized and more in awe as I watched bone be shaved off and blood come out.

[jokeboy-deactivated20260221]

so stressed really need the comfort of a man's big big boobs in my face

[angoragoats]

Why goats? Why ask?

[ruaken-risen-in-christ-deactiva]

[dinolich]

[bae-kugo]

@sha-dowfax

[bae-kugo]

I've never felt my life and future to be in the palm of so many hands until today. I feel like I can’t breathe.

[youareyoubutwhoareyou]

Hey if u like the ocean look at this its rly cool I think

[boglord]

as someone who was already scared of the ocean uhhhhhh

[ms-demeanor]

Terrifying depths of the ocean my beloved

[bae-kugo]

Currently I'm proctoring an undergraduate exam, but I think I want to manifest my own affirmations in the air on myself this Thursday.

I’m determined. Whatever I put my mind to, I always do it with good intention in mind and manifest it into the world.  I’m smart. I may not be immediately or super smart, but with determination and a lot of hard work, I study to gain a better life. I’m always always learning. learning itself never stops, whether it be able yourself or others also.  I’m reliable. If anyone were to need me, I would help if I were readily available.  I’m kind. I always try to take the good in people and try to gain perspective of the bad. I try not to let the bad overrule the good that I love in a person a lot of time..because I just imagine my life without them.  I’m a good cook. I love to cook for others, and to see their faces light up makes me smile.  I’m resilient. I try to recover the best I can from the most difficult of situations in my life and not resort to unhealthy habits of coping. I’m warm. My heart is always open to the people I love. I can be funny. It’s not my strong suit, but making people laugh makes my heart smile. I’m friendly. I try to be friends with people who are different from me; to gain perspective of others values and thoughts in the world.  I’m lenient. I acknowledge that others have lives, but that also we both must make time for each when we can.. I’m empathic. I try to understand other people’s emotions to gain different perspectives and try to understand them. I’m learning to be more open. If I'm not open, then I'm just hiding my true feelings. I want my true feelings to exude with no hesitation because I only have one life right? I don’t want my life to be without regrets.  I’m learning to trust people and turn to them. I used to be scared that if I would express my feelings to others, then they would leave me. I used to instead go to my fiancé about a lot of things because he is my rock. I’m learning that it’s okay to talk to other people because it creates a better friendship bond, but to understand people have boundaries on when to be able to vent to them. 

[bae-kugo]

Not sure if this has turned into a personal journal of mine, but it feels better to write a lot more than twitter allows. 

I don’t really have much of faith, but whenever I see a kid in a medical setting lately, it really gives me strength at times. 

I had my first baby consultation with single sided deafness today. The mom seemed really nice..she really cared for her child and wanted what was best for him. We sat down and talked about ideas of amplification/hearing devices for the child since it’s only on one side. She seemed more interested in the cochlear implant option and i’ve just...haven’t seen a mom cry before about their child and wanting to give them a good life.  I think i empathized a bit with her.  I think most parents do try to their best of their ability to give their child a good life and it made me wonder how I would also probably do anything for my child (when I have one). The child is a little underdeveloped for their age due to the single sided deafness, but he’s been progressing. I tried to play peek a boo with him and he would smile at me. I think the ultimate thing about my profession is just that...making that connection with a special patient and giving them the best hearing care you can that can positively change their life. 

I hope as I really gain experience as an actual AuD doctor, that I make a positive impact on my community...

[u-have-been-hacked]

“I wanna do this with you “ a love language

[npdsafe]

Things that don’t make you a bad person:

Displaying “scary” symptoms of mental illness

Being diagnosed with multiple disorders

Having one or various personality disorders

Being diagnosed with NPD, BPD, HPD, or ASPD

Having very low empathy, or no empathy

Having symptoms that cause anger, emptiness, or paranoia

Having triggers or “strange” personal boundaries

Needing extra help or accommodations

Having intrusive thoughts about upsetting or scary topics