BaggityBean

Why do they call it an oven when you of in the cold food of out hot eat the food?

[baggitybean]

My ants are full of pants.

[baggitybean]

daily reminder!!! skip school and punch your local senator :)

[baggitybean]

Just turned 5 years old today, going into 1st grade this fall, wish me luck.

[baggitybean]

Day one of eating every plant I see.

[baggitybean]

Whenever I enjoy my time scurrying at the local cemetery there's this guy who always tries to hunt me down with a flintlock pistol.

We have a date on Thursday.

[baggitybean]

All it would take is a taser and I could for sure get Barack Obama to whimper.

[baggitybean]

Why did nobody tell me that Jack Black was at my house? C'mon guys.

[baggitybean]

The drugs in my system are unionizing against me.

THEIR UNION ORGANIZER IS THE FUCKING HAT MAN?

[baggitybean]

Bean Yoda.

[baggitybean]

Just got kicked out of Walmart for turning on every light, lamp, and bulb I could find. Those dicks at Walmart can't understand a little light humor.

Home Depot on the other hand?

[baggitybean]

Shoutout to my boy uh...

*looks across the room*

"Sprite Zero Sugar?"

[baggitybean]

I know that if you gave me like an hour and some Jim Beam I could befriend the skinwalkers in Appalachia. I bet someone probably already did. That's why they're so scary, so they'll scare fucking creeps away from this one guy's moonshine still. In return the guy just pays them in shine and it's just a cool little setup they got going on.

One of them has a beanbag chair though, don't ask how but I just know.

[baggitybean]

I found a little gnome in the woods and asked if he was down to smoke. He brought out the fucking EVIL pack, shit was straight up RED.

Anyway, I bashed his skull in with a stone shaped like my mothers face.

[baggitybean]

Everyone's always talking about cement and concrete, meanwhile mortar is sitting politely in a comfy chair reading The Catcher in the Rye.

Wait.. mortar what are you doing with that Charter Arms .38 Special Revolver with hollow point bullets?

[baggitybean]

Yee-haw, schlide em schlow schloy.

[baggitybean]

I wish I could stay outside for the rest of my life but apparently I have taxes to pay by earning money, which makes me have to pay more taxes that I have to work to get money for, and it goes forever until I die.

[baggitybean]

Get it?